J & Z talk about what we would do if we time travel, a gorilla that understood the concept of death, and other stuff. Check out our Patreon for exclusive episodes and early access to weekly episodes! https://www.patreon.com/aroundthelunchtable
welcome back to laptops this is around
the lunch table episode 46. episode
44
the big four six um
yeah you know we’re just choking along
here making our way making our mark our
p cast mark
oh yes
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and we’ll try to answer it yes yes we do
yeah so and uh and current events i
don’t know if you saw
but uh new zealand finally hired their
first wizard that was uh i thought he
was the guy or he already has been yeah
he’s been a wizard but i’m saying he was
legally what do you think the criteria
is for that job interview point he has
how many spells have you cast
that shit’s kind of real i guess right
i feel like it’s more real
metaphorically but there’s witches and
[ __ ] that can like
you know okay yeah but they’re not
[ __ ]
using the force and throwing [ __ ] across
the yard that we’ve seen okay
i mean you can sell your sword the devil
we know that
if you listen to rap lyrics
but um no he’s got a you gotta have a
pointy hat and a long beard in your
[ __ ] channel but i’m saying the point
is he was legally hired yes and he was
paid money yeah how much you think he
makes
no it said it wasn’t like a lot but it
was like it was a wage it was a salary
like a literally literally it wasn’t
like anything crazy imagine applying for
a credit card you always have to click
other you know for your occupation and
that’s like so what were you uh i’m a
master of the mystic arts imagine
[ __ ] a conversation he meets a girl
at the bar what do you do i’m a [ __ ]
wizard i think he’d say master of the
mystic arts that’s what i would say
free beer yeah appears it’s a simple
spell but quite unbreakable
and i’ll take it off you’ll cool oops
yeah i uh i don’t know i saw that and i
was like huh interesting so like so okay
here’s something yeah so you’re going to
wizard school right
whatever the phone hogwarts school
wizardry yeah okay so like what’s the
first spell you’re [ __ ] learning
because i’m learning how to get those
panties down to the ankles honestly
not by force i mean like yeah i don’t
know we gotta watch this i don’t think
they have a spell clause in legality so
yeah well i mean those who practice wan
law and know the practices and ethics
the juan chooses you we all know yes the
one does um
my first spell would probably be like
the voldemort spell where it kills
people
like the fireball you know oh yeah yeah
yeah
but would that come in handy nowadays
because i feel like what do you mean if
you’re ever in trouble you have your
[ __ ] like how many times have you
been in trouble when you need a fireball
where you’re actually wanting to kill
someone in a incineration
incineration well obviously it’ll be
self-defense but imagine okay this is
you don’t even know what you know until
you need it that’s very true it’s like
the [ __ ] that carry around pepper
spray it’s like that’d be like okay if
you had a wand
it and you could like disappear and like
[ __ ] get out of some a sicky
situation even in in a situation where
i’m like okay i don’t need to kill
anyone right now but like i would really
what i’m saying an incineration spell is
like
yo that person’s dying
but there’s also other spells there’s
stun spells
like a [ __ ] stun grenade from warzone
stupefy
is that what it is harry potter yeah
stupid fight
stupefy semper fi
that’s how you conjure up the [ __ ]
fortunate song song to just play no you
say semper fight and then seal team six
pops out of your one
dude the good thing about those old
world war movies or like not old
warriors but you know there was always
that [ __ ] witty guy from the bronx
there’s always some guy from the east
coast dogs like this
always is it’s like either yeah it’s an
italian guy or something like that that
is true he’s from brooklyn like think
about a case saving private island he’s
got the hair slicked back safe and
private ryan there’s one there’s
actually two let’s say brian ryan band
of brothers band of brothers there’s one
yeah and um
in the pacific there’s one he always
dies towards the end though so that you
know you get except the guy overlord
there’s one that one that actually the
newest warrior that came out that’s
um all the nazi experiments yeah which
is actually by the way
real [ __ ] real [ __ ] excuse to
experiment on people so yeah that’s
crazy like uh so like say you’re like so
you get casted for like band of brothers
or something who are you going to be
like would you be the witty guy would
you be the straight lace soldier or
you’re the guy that runs into battle i’d
probably be the i’d probably be the
witty guy the guy that dies first not
that necessarily because it’s all across
the board i would say but i would be
i’d be the guy that kicks ass takes
names and then once in a while throws in
a good one yeah exactly yeah you know
like
all the [ __ ] just went down everyone’s
freaking out and you’re like hey
yeah the guy’s telling jokes it’s like
they’re about to [ __ ] maybe die
at that point i feel like you just you
just kind of gotta not give a [ __ ] you
know
it’s like i mean you can’t after a while
i mean i remember when he’s throwing
rocks into that guy’s head
but it’s like you’re just desensitized i
guess yeah
that’s crazy yeah he’s playing beer pong
with that guy’s brains jesus christ
just [ __ ] get up yeah can i get a
3-2-1 please
i gotta move the bodies around it’s
[ __ ] up can i get a tank it’s right
there how do they make those like in
obviously in the movies
on the movie sets like the bodies look
like like you know what i’m saying like
it must be actually kind of crazy how
they make it i believe they just put
green paint up to like here
and then they see the rest of it because
remember seeing
remember when anakin got you know like
sliced yeah he’s like you’re gonna
underestimate my power don’t try it that
thing
he has like his leg is green and then
his arm is green they just oh
i see it that actually makes sense and
then he like falls but then it looks
like there’s no limb there what i don’t
get is how did he get his
left leg in his right arm
like his left his right leg must have
had to been almost anakin jumped yeah
well here’s the thing he got opposite
well did obi-wan slice left first all
right we don’t know i mean it kind of
looked like he swung if he’s flippy it
looked like he swung right first but if
you if you listen there was two more
there was two noises like
so he did a double hack yeah he went
that’s not even like having sympathy for
like your [ __ ] formula he warned him
he said don’t jump up here i’m gonna
[ __ ] you it’s over anakin i have the
high ground yeah
and then gets [ __ ] sliced and diced
dude when that movie came out when the
music’s going
and they’re [ __ ] dude
in theater i’m like this is the craziest
[ __ ] i’ve ever [ __ ] seen because it
was it was it’s like me and lane going
at it you know
especially because the order in which
they did it at that time nobody knew
like the whole story of what happened
yeah they just know that this guy was
anakin but then and then you had episode
two and one yeah okay well anakin was
obi-wan so what happened and actually
it’s kind of smart that they did it that
way because what sucks about the about
the marvel movies i love them but the
comics were already written so it’s like
there’s always those dudes on twitter
would be like oh you wanna know what
happens in end game here you go i mean i
know that they changed some things
around yeah but the premise of the story
it was written like 20 years ago and
it’s like oh we got this nerd [ __ ]
sitting on a bean bag eating cheetos
wondering why his dick’s orange and
[ __ ] he knows [ __ ] and he knows
birdie what the [ __ ] yeah
honestly here’s the thing i think okay i
think like old school comics are sick i
would love to collect i would never read
them i would just i never want to show
up one would be like the cosmetic
reason because the covers are cool like
the retro looking [ __ ] yeah
it’d be pretty cool i believe they still
make them right yeah yeah superman ones
over like a million bucks yeah some of
them are [ __ ] insane amount of money
at the two that’s like [ __ ] four
million bucks
it’s crazy
did you ever have anything worth like a
lot of money that you lost
like something like your grandma gave
you or something um i don’t
that i lost i don’t think so now like i
look back on my other things i’ve lost i
don’t know if it was even
that much remember when we were in the
winery and that girl’s like hey
you guys if you would have bought
bitcoin 10 years ago
yeah if i could go back in time if if i
can go get we’ll go back in time and
then give jeff bezos my whole life
savings to invest i’d be rich too yeah
it’s like dude imagine if you’re the
first guy against time travel like
you’re [ __ ] bowling dude
what’s the first thing you’re doing
time traveling yeah you go in the past
okay
i’m actually serious about this so don’t
[ __ ] laugh
i’m i’m gathering modern modern weaponry
some machine guns et cetera et cetera
guess where i’m going i’m going to the
alamo and i’m [ __ ] up the whole army
remember because there’s like a couple
hundred dudes versus thousands
do you not know the story of the alamo i
know the story there’s a couple hundred
texans in the alamo and then like
there’s thousands and they’d hold them
off or better yet i would go back that
and i’d go master them and then i go
back farther and the three hundred
that’s what i was just gonna say damn it
you meant the 300 spartans give me one
more
it’s [ __ ] insane dude i honestly wish
they’d make a movie like it’d be stupid
no one would watch it but like imagine
like sharknado it’s like yeah like time
travel guys goes guy goes back and like
just there’s no moral of the story we
want to get to watch this guy just [ __ ]
yeah like he’s standing in front of our
army like 5 000 and they’re like oh my
god kill this guy and he’s just like
[Music]
it’s insane dude technology isn’t that
crazy if you think
are you a five-star general have you
been there
no
i’m saying but like isn’t that crazy to
think about it’s like okay
ten dudes with machine guns ten could
like wipe out one of the whole armies
like with other stories and whole army
yeah it’s crazy crazy but you gotta like
have enough ammo though i mean you know
when that up when that lmg goes clink
you’re a little [ __ ]
well after you’ve dropped [ __ ] 2000
of them i feel like if that happened
they just start like bowing and saying
you’re a god or something yeah probably
on it or they’d run out it’s where they
thought like everything was god’s like
oh there’s lightning he must be like
imagine imagine like all those times in
like ancient history when like a village
was just overrun by a powerful rule like
if eight of them had machine guns they
would just they would have killed all of
them yeah like one dude with enough ammo
a sniper over here with a silencer he’s
killing all them before they even wake
up it’s nuts i can go to [ __ ] uh and
go to walmart and buy one of those for
900 bucks then you find mascara town
yeah
yeah that’s kind of funny welcome to the
us of a baby
country
country bald eagles and budweiser yes
sir do you see the dude who did that
shooting got [ __ ] finally tried
i don’t get why it takes like four years
yeah it’s like there’s videos of him
shooting people and he admitted to it
and then it was like dude it was like
i just kept skipping through it was like
45 counts guilty murder guilty in the
first screen guilty here’s the thing
it’s like and then it goes to a jury
what are they gonna say
like why does it take five years we know
the [ __ ]
nicholas cruz yeah yeah that’s [ __ ]
yeah i don’t know why the [ __ ] it takes
so long and then but he’s already in
jail so it’s like but then everyone’s
wondering about the oh here’s a question
for you oh getting dean okay okay
should he get the death penalty
yes 100 actually maybe he kind of gets
off easy if he gets the death penalty
that’s the other thing but the thing is
that prison isn’t that bad these days
they got ipads what do you mean
if you’re in no it’s not i’m saying if
you’re like a celebrity was a person
yeah it’s probably [ __ ] cake we’re
not gonna let him around the other
people
yeah he’s probably in solitary
confinement it’s probably torture
so you believe torture is the way to go
i mean you deserve he killed like 17
kids yeah i just hate when people are
like oh well you can’t kill people to
teach killing people isn’t wrong and
it’s like well no it’s like those
it’s like those movies when they’re
about to kill one of the villains we’re
not like them he just slaughtered all
your friends kill him dude i
do you know them
we were watching the [ __ ] uh the
strangers
and he’s pointing the gun and then he
just puts it down and then the guy just
kills his dad it’s like i’m sorry if
you’re wearing a potato sack for a face
with an axe bam bam no i’m yeah that’s
what i’m saying like in a lot of the
movies like they hesitate or they stop
it’s like we’re not like them do you
want to die i eat or be eaten yeah it’s
a fight or flight or at that point i’m
standing ten toes i’m blasting a boy i
don’t even give a [ __ ] yeah i’m blasting
who’s the police gonna believe me or the
potato sack guy with it yeah whoever
acts as blood all of us yeah and if you
run those fingerprints you’re gonna see
16 counts of [ __ ] debauchery on that
record it’s just it’s so it i yeah a lot
of the movies are like that i know it’s
for the dramatic effect it’s a movie but
it’s like oh
i hate it it’s like this person just
tried to kill you and you’re not gonna
and now and you’re not gonna kill them
because guess what happens you turn
around they’re gonna [ __ ] stick you
he’s obviously psychotic like
he’s not gonna be like he gave me a
chance i’ll back down like the you know
what i mean if a guy let me just give
you a scenario someone just attempted to
kill me
and i get the best of them and they’re
i’m like pointing a gun at him on the
ground i’m not hesitating
emptying the clip i don’t care
i mean sorry empty the club in case he’s
got it they just tried to kill me yeah
what i think gets people like the only
way i wouldn’t is if like the cops
already had him or something okay fine
whatever like if it’s in this scenario
it’s just me and him
if i don’t he’s going to kill me
unless he’s i know he’s rich and i know
he’s going to get out of the justice
system then i’ll pop him all the cops
got him it’s like you need to know don’t
[ __ ] with jay spence yeah i mean i’m
just saying it’s just it’s
what
the thing is
the thing is yeah is that when you are
in that situation i feel like people
think a lot about the legality yeah of
course because okay here’s the thing
this is 100 true in washington state
this is so [ __ ] up i’m kidding
if someone comes in your house okay
someone walks in our house right our
living room living room is right there
if we shoot them we’re [ __ ] and
they’re not they have to enter a bedroom
before you can do that
i’m sorry if some [ __ ] heroin
addicted white comes in
and like
and i got my 12 gauge okay well here’s
another one through his chest here’s
here is the one thing though it’s
because
like if but if you are like attacked and
it’s self-defense then yes you can
doesn’t matter where they walk through
it’s like but
i’m guessing i still think it’s [ __ ]
up but i’m thinking if someone was to
randomly walk into your house
you can’t just kill him right away no i
mean i’d ask him
here yeah you can but i would have a
very thin ice layer
okay you and i are sitting there
watching on the couch okay erin’s in a
room yeah it’s just you and i somebody
walks in the house one who who’s gonna
say something first you or me who do you
think
well i think we both freak the [ __ ] what
would you say just like what’s up
it depends if i’m [ __ ] up or not okay
you and i honestly i have beers i would
i would be like what the [ __ ] are you
doing in here yeah and then i’d say
leave and if they didn’t leave i mean
[ __ ] we’re arming up are you grabbing
the okay are you in i would probably
throw hands first are you and i gonna
tag team him or are we gonna like i
would say something but like if
it depends if he walked he’s like oh
sorry like me sorry wrong house
sorry wrong house i didn’t know
no but we walked it i mean
i mean the scariest thing would be if
like he walked in just didn’t say
anything like i’m like hey what the [ __ ]
you doing
and you just silence okay sounds worse
silence is way [ __ ] worse like not a
single like oh oh it’s just just like a
a blank stare oh my if he if there’s
silence i’m i’m running i’m [ __ ] him
up right there i can’t somehow i know
that if there’s silence you’re gonna
look at each other and be like
not our heads just be like let’s take
this [ __ ] yeah that’s just it’s
like an un it’s unwritten thing it’s
like all right like i saw this video on
twitter actually literally not too long
so this couple had like a condo and like
the living room [ __ ] is upstairs they
had a video camera in the condo and this
[ __ ] guy like her husband he’s a
little he’s a little guy he’s not a big
guy he’s in the kitchen
laying on the couch not that but i’m
saying he’s a small guy like five six or
something yeah like a five six skinny
guy and he’s just in the kitchen he’s
cooking whatever and because i’ve seen
the video and this guy walks up there
like he walked in the front door
and he walked up the stairs to where she
sit in the couch and points a [ __ ]
shotgun at her
and then the [ __ ] husband without
[ __ ] hesitation sprints in grabs the
gun and so then him in the sky are just
[ __ ] he’s holding the gun as hard as
he [ __ ] can and the guy
yeah and he’s just fighting and the wife
just sitting on she’s like
help him i know i’m like help him and
like obviously the only thing that
happened is he held on the gun saw the
guy like dragged him down the stairs
he’s holding on to the gun so we can’t
turn around shoot him he gets the gun
from the guy runs but then finally she
calls and then he runs back upstairs has
the gun he’s like hold the cops whatever
like help him why did she
how bad would she have felt as if like
he’s fighting and she’s just watching
and then he gets invested he shoots him
that’s a problem with that’s the problem
with women is that they always say
they’re down to scrap until the
scrapping starts and then they’re just
sitting on the sidelines waiting to be
tapped but i mean i’m just saying like
obviously i’m not saying she can buy
herself [ __ ] but it’s like help him the
problem sorry the problem with a girl on
guy fight is that girls
always resort to like pulling hair and
the guy has short hair who cares she i’m
saying just [ __ ] grab like help me
grab him help me help you yeah exactly
if i go down we both go down like
i should be the number one priority in
this situation
yeah but you know you got to do what you
got to do for the [ __ ] and in the
video this is part of it
the guy
who ran came back and knocked on the
door and asked for his shotgun back
the ball’s on that guy you imagine he’s
walking someone’s house like something
that you’re like why do you
can i get my gun back or no
the guy’s like what the [ __ ]
okay okay so here here’s another thing
so say a guy tries to like mug you right
and you end up getting the best of him
and you beat him right yeah he’s laying
on the ground are you taking a couple
twenties out of his yeah [ __ ] yeah i’m
gonna be like i am yeah how does it feel
yeah let me run your pockets full yeah
yeah yeah
learn how to do it huh no but the first
thing
first thing i’m doing is probably
looking at his id taking a picture of it
so i know he is
smart so you can find his house
i wasn’t saying no but just in case
slide it on fire
[ __ ] arson
i hope you got a fire extinguisher from
the house because your daughter’s
getting a molotov through the window
you ever see that [ __ ] where it’s like
this is a former navy seal who kills
pedophiles during the day it’s like
that’s cool but he’s also just running
around killing people well he’s a
vigilante he’s an unappreciated hero
yeah no i agree with it 100 percent like
pedophiles yeah [ __ ] you like you
deserve to die
yeah yeah you can’t get cancer culture
for that you want to cancel me for that
pedophiles you deserve to die [ __ ] you
yeah but like i feel like that guy just
has a blood thirst and he’s just like i
can get away with this one you know i
mean he’s like he’s probably doing the
[ __ ] before and he’s just like yeah so
like if you know how like it is
interesting how like former navy seals
turn into like mercenaries for higher
you know
who is the hiring guy for that who’s the
scout and it’s just like hey
you muscles mister i think it’s more of
a group of guys because here’s the thing
that you can make a lot of money doing
that and you know who hires people like
that cartels and [ __ ] so
that’s like like do you ever like i’m
saying a lot of people the cartels the
cartels get they get all this they hire
them from the mexican army
and then they all the like elite
soldiers because they can pay them way
better than the government yeah i i just
that must be like it’s kind of like
being the fourth string quarterback it’s
like you know being the guy holding the
gun at like the cartel guy’s house it’s
like it’s gonna take a lot of balls for
him to come here so i just gotta hold
the gun and get paid but when it does
happen [ __ ] hopefully i’m not here yeah
i gotta like hopefully it’s my day off
yeah i gotta like protect this guy do
you think they get vacation
it’s like hey i gotta get my wisdom
teeth pulled could i
hey pablo can i take the weekend off
he’s like a cartel sniper looking over
like the payloads like hey he’s okay
tomorrow night we got a big shipment
coming in i’m gonna need you to look
over it
i promised my wife we’d have dinner yeah
i put there anyway put it on the google
calendar yeah i mean like
emilio is there any way we can get some
pto out of this or dude they’re in the
middle of it he gets a call
my kid’s in trouble at school i gotta go
he’s like hero give me the ak
give me the kalishnikov
dude that’s actually [ __ ] hilarious
like [ __ ] like just organized crime
guys can you imagine like they’re
because that’s like you know they’re
making a lot of money but it’s all on
their own time or whatever it’s like
it’s okay i’m gonna need you i need you
to fly to miami get and do a drop hey um
this weekend um my daughter’s actually
graduating with my daughter’s
quinceaneras
i gotta buy her the crown and [ __ ] in
the balloon yeah so i’m kind of busy
he’s like
god
dude can you imagine being like hey like
i got a doctor’s appointment you’re on
vacation days i think i have a couple
sick hours left
they have like hr
hey so pablo kind of said a racist
remark to me earlier yeah and i’m not
okay with it so can you imagine that
being a thing
i feel like that’s just a bunch of dudes
just they just gotta get along you know
like i mean they have to they all gotta
act tough they gotta get faced hats and
braid their hair or whatever but like at
the end of the day they’re you know at
the end of the day they’re probably
playing games together yeah they like to
be the little spoon at the end of the
day yeah you know that’s how it is
i think how guys don’t like to admit
that you know i like being a little
spoon like cuddle me i mean that’s not
my first choice but a little spoon [ __ ]
yeah make me beat a little backpack on
me you know like
make me a ninja turtle you know
master splinter
but i would say something i don’t mind
if i’m already asleep or something but
usually on my first choice
it’s my first choice it’s not what i did
but
they’re like they’re like rub my back
and it’s like i worked all day so how
about you rub me and you rub their back
for 10 minutes they rub yours for two
seconds it’s actually the opposite for
me my wrist hurts i’m like and then act
like i’m asleep
yeah oh i have another i have another
funny thing so um
i heard this
you hear a lot of things no i do these
ears are planted to the ground let me
tell you they hear what the streets say
and the streets are always talking
people hear many things my lord whether
the truth is among them is unclear
um
so i know someone with fish they have
like fish you know like yeah i know what
fish are in a tank and so they told me
that they had to put one down
what does that mean putting a fish down
i mean doesn’t it die and you flush down
the toilet a little bit of fish
like the [ __ ] balance
i just i i thought i meant like flushing
down the toilet but there’s actually a
way to do it it’s with like a certain
liquid and then they like slowly fall
asleep
fall asleep or choke on the toxic liquid
i mean the thing is don’t i feel like
when fish die it’s pretty peaceful and
then they kind of apparently fish can’t
feel pain
which is weird because every time i’ve
hooked a big old son of a gun he’s
flopping like a [ __ ] yeah but
here’s the thing this is the re the
scientific reasoning is they don’t have
biologists
go ahead a frontal cerebral cortex which
is the sensory
to feel pain etc etc like we have in
other animals they don’t have that
interesting so if they feel any pain
it’s like a minimal thing but have you
ever seen when a [ __ ] fish fish cry
no one gets it gets its tail bit off and
just keeps swimming so it’s like okay
it just keeps going don’t lizards can’t
they like regrow their tails yeah they
can imagine have you ever tried to catch
blue
no but you know like when you were kids
you try to catch lizards you grab and
then
if you grab they’ll rip their own tail
off and then the tail’s just like
yeah
so then because usually when they’re
running that’s what you grab them by
first if you’ll get their bodies their
tail and so they’ll go
and then they’ll rip it off and then
you’re left with a little worm
it was kind of faster it would be weird
at the tail grew back a body like a okay
imagine this imagine a person
got their leg blown off and then they
grew another one
crazy [ __ ]
that’s the same thing it’s kind of like
kind of crazy same thing hypothetical
and real yeah
like i’m saying like the process of
regeneration yeah
yeah it’s like a snake sheds its skin to
a molt
yeah that’s kind of crazy too it’s not
it’s animal kingdom man dude
i remember bill birdy thing about it
remember when he taught the gorilla
like the concept of death
so they basically basically there was
this gorilla
that they gave a little kitten to like
[ __ ] hold
and then
they and they realized it was like a
reward system and they could give if he
learned his [ __ ] language and he
would want to learn it so he could yeah
so
you get to pet the little kitten right
so can you imagine like
the first time like they give him the
kid he just grabs
throws against the wall
hey listen there’s a chance it’s an ape
i know you know what i’m saying it might
just
throw something i just don’t know i’m
wondering why it’s not working
like when an animal will kill another
animal it’s just like
it’s like hello you good can we keep
going
um but no so they uh i only know this
from the billboard segments i don’t know
how true this is but they uh
they taught this gorilla
all this [ __ ] and it’s it’s just going
fast it’s learning all the throwing up
gang signs yeah throwing up the set i
mean it’s already chosen the gang and
everything yeah yeah and so
i don’t know who was the chaperone of
the kitten that night but anyways the
kitten got killed
rest in peace not by the a big i hit by
a card yeah i got hit by a car which
why’d you let it outside like it’s like
hey this is the girl’s kitten let’s just
take it out in i-5 and throw it out
there and see what happens
oh it needs to go peek go go ahead yeah
go ahead go out go so anyways it comes
back all right
or the trainer comes back and the
gorilla’s like where’s the kitten
where’s the kitten right and so it would
set you through
[Laughter]
and so he’s basically like yo it’s dead
you know right imagine like
[Laughter]
imagine like having an argument with
someone and you’re lying in sign
language you’re like like where
did you go
last night
i was with the boys
were you with
that [ __ ] were you with no chanel
no were you with chanel
i was at
bar drinking like imagine an argument in
sign language how funny that [ __ ] um
i feel like that’s why deaf people marry
each other but anyways the
honestly is that where we left off um
so anyways the [ __ ] gorilla they tell
the gorilla like hey so i don’t if i i i
could fall in love with a deaf deaf girl
oh yeah one percent i could just
freaking cuss her out she won’t even
know okay that was not the
angle i was taking but um she’s like are
you mad no
[Laughter]
uh you know okay anyway so they go back
to the gorilla
and they tell this gorilla like hey your
kitten is dead right so they tell the
crook they tell the kitten that they
tell the gorilla the kitten’s dead they
tell the kitten that the girl is dead
so the gorilla understands and it starts
crying it’s weeping all night in its
house or whatever
but they’re built for the house
it’s like it’s behind its mortgage
so all i’m gonna say is they taught this
the bank’s gonna buy his house yeah yeah
um hopefully you gotta get an interest
rate um
as bill burr said the [ __ ]
they taught the gorilla the concept of
death and still left it in jail why
would you not break the thing out yeah i
mean
you you were better off just leaving the
thing that video that’s where it cut off
it just started crying going
wouldn’t wouldn’t it have been better
just to like
not teach him that and then let him pet
the kitten yeah so then it’s like he’s
not i mean
here’s the other thing can inters can
species
you know like in in like anime or like
anime like cartoon anime you know like
in shrek the donkey [ __ ] like hentai
yeah you know when in shrek the donkey
[ __ ] the dragon and they have dragon
donkeys right
[Laughter]
like dragon bodies with the tail yeah is
that is that possible
like a crossbreeding of the dude yeah
like say because i know we can cross
breed like different dogs like oh it’s
half
american yeah but then they’re still the
same species though they’re still
canines so i’m saying like if a dog puts
a k [ __ ] a cat are you gonna get no dog
no you’re not i don’t think that’s how
that works
why not well i mean i have my phone but
i can’t google you your phone’s
recording yeah it’s a nevermind but
i’m just saying i don’t think i think
you can within it’s
i guess within the bounds of logic of
the species well a human’s dna is like
one away from a pig that’s why when
someone needs a heart valve they use the
heart valve of a pig which is
interesting but yeah but that’s like one
p it has it can’t just has to all fit
it’s cohesive yeah it’s cohesive yeah a
[ __ ] yeah a pig can’t go [ __ ] a
chihuahua and then it’s a pig in a
chihuahua when it comes out the other
side maybe we just haven’t tried hard
enough no but maybe we need a wingman
anything that’s happened like that
that’s unnatural it was like done
scientifically
it wasn’t done naturally so here’s
another question for you there’s not
gonna be there’s not gonna be a [ __ ]
ostrich ape running around there’s not
gonna be a goldfish i’m saying maybe
because we just didn’t help the
ostriches out
anyways oh i do have a question for you
so the human race somehow became number
one in the uh
in the animal kingdom right which i
don’t get how because a baby cannot like
a calf comes out of a it’s what’s the
brain part it’s the intelligence part
i’m saying
a calf comes out of a freaking cow and
it’s already walking and yelling yeah
and if it yeah
a baby can’t do [ __ ]
if i have a five-year-old just let it
alone in my living room it will die like
you can’t even figure out
make top ramen and there’s
some 25 year olds can’t even do their
own [ __ ] laundry
it’s like ridiculous anyways what do you
think would be the next runner-up for
the king like like we are the ones in
the zoo and they’re the ones trotting
around in houses i would have to say
primates
like primates probably like
monkeys and [ __ ] really but they’re not
that like isn’t the most intelligent
thing like adulthood dolphin yeah
dolphins up there
i’ve met a couple dolphins i have i was
in hawaii and i met someone i met a
couple dolphins hey hey how you doing
jack spence sales
um
no uh i’m just saying i i have met a few
dolphins okay we’ve crossed paths if you
can say
what about them seems intelligent they
just come up and just gone
asking for they are very intelligent
in what way the way they hunt oh am i
gonna give it a [ __ ] algebraic
expression is just going to solve it
with a chalkboard okay i will give you
one right now have you ever seen the
video of these dolphins hunting and
there’s everything
there’s a school of fish
there’s a school of fish and there’s
like a far away view
and
all these dolphins are going around and
so one of them goes in the middle and
divides them he divides and the other
ones are waiting far away so the fish
can’t see him he divides them and then
they swarm one specific group they eat
them all and they go to the other one
and then they got a shepherd they shop
that just seems like instinct have you
ever seen a pack of hyenas take down a
giraffe like
i’m just saying it’s not i don’t i’m not
the one that’s the smartest
intelligence how is that not intelligent
i mean like okay how is that not it’s a
secret artificial intelligence dolphins
like no but that’s artificial
intelligence this is real life
intelligence synthetic
maybe no exactly that’s not the same
thing but what i’m saying we’re not
talking about cpus and gpu how are they
the most intelligent beings what have
they done what have they contributed
have i ever seen a painting on the wall
and been like oh that was done by marty
the dolphin like never it’s so
interesting how words are open for
interpretation they are just like the
bible and what i’m saying is they are
i’m not the one who named them the most
intelligent offending the dolphins
because i’ve seen many things about it
i’ve read a lot of things about it heard
a lot of things about dolphins yes yeah
yes i’ve watched a lot of planet earth
yeah did you see that freaking movie
with it with the dolphin what the [ __ ]
was that
slipper flipper yeah i did yeah
it was a cinematic masterpiece if i will
okay how about this what other animal
can you take into a cage and make it do
backflips and it pets you into [ __ ]
makes you wait you give it food they’ll
do whatever the [ __ ] you want yeah yeah
you can write a line it’s not going to
eat you after giving it a couple steaks
you could put a grape you’re on top of a
seal and watch it bounce up yeah
i’m saying they’re they’re different
they’re a little more and more
intelligent there’s a little more depth
to them you’ve ever seen a ceo balance a
beach ball why did you do that why did
you do that
for the shrimp in the bucket but he can
understand that i get this it’s called a
reward system you give it a reward you
get a okay how about this you give a
lion a steak every day for two years
guess what you hop in there there’s a
good chance it’s still gonna [ __ ] eat
you there’s people who hug lions
have you ever seen those guys who are
just like petting lagers and [ __ ] yeah
have you ever why do they always have
their shirts off yeah
does it like the skin-to-skin hong kong
i think it is but all the okay all those
people that went to live with wolf it’s
like oh you’re wearing h m i’m not cool
are those people that own like you know
wild animals a lot of the time or at
least half the time they get attacked or
they get eaten by the animals they piss
them off the thing with humans is like
you piss me off i know to go into the
other room sleep on the couch and watch
some [ __ ] netflix
animals they’re just like oh i’ll just
but if they’re carnivorous it’s like i’m
[ __ ] hungry what’s some of them how
is this herbivores
what’s the other one omnivore that’s
what we are right we eat everything both
we both you know we eat coochie and ass
buy carnivore
buy carnivore it’s like bisexual but
come on
if you had to come out how would you do
it
would you like do it on twitter or like
tell your family i don’t have to come
out but if i had to
i probably just wouldn’t
because i don’t need attention yeah so i
probably would just keep it to myself
would you tell your family
oh yeah i mean eventually when i’m
getting poked by why is it you know but
but you’re bi you could be with a girl
or a guy oh i’m bi well then i’d
probably definitely keep it for myself
it’s like yeah unless unless unless
there was a day if i’m a bisexual person
and i was like okay i’m dating then you
have to tell yourself you’re dating them
yet hey by the way this isn’t my boy i
met yeah it’s like hey in thanksgiving
we’re going to be kissing around the
table yeah yeah but i don’t think
there’s any way it’s like we’re going to
be holding hands on top of the table to
let everyone know i wouldn’t have a
[ __ ] parade yeah
yeah i
do you have something you would do i
feel like you did if you asked a
question no i just popped in my mind um
i think i just tweet i’m gay period
because my whole 300 followers would be
like but then everyone would be like
yeah you are as a typical yeah you’re
gay it’s like finally all those pictures
of you and z you’ve been posting for
eight years makes
sense yeah i mean that makes sense too
yeah
do you think
anyone thinks we’re gay
not actually but i do i’m sure there’s a
good amount of people that know us but
they’re kind of little they’re getting
little gay boys not actually saying but
i i mean i feel like people are like
there was a bug yeah i didn’t catch it
um no i didn’t it was way off i feel
like
at this point it’s like okay we know
what they are they’re just they’re just
the boys that show up to the wedding
together you know
that’s good
they’re here for a good time not a long
time that is true that’s what we preach
that’s what we do yeah we practice what
we preach yes we do that well z’s gotta
go on a date we’re gonna [ __ ] end it
right here
i don’t have a date i have a meeting a
fellowship meeting a meeting
a meeting between two cohorts it’s a a
thank you oh
says you’re drinking it
uh anyways thank you everyone for
watching around the lunch table z where
can they find you
i think if i made isaiah underscore
lesney james what can they find here
glad you asked they can find me at jack
underscore spence you can find us both
at around the lunch table make sure you
check out the around the one table
patreon patreon.com lost your own lunch
table i don’t think our fall collection
is coming out because we just haven’t
heard anything about it but uh yeah just
stay tuned and that’s about it so yeah
well thank you guys for watching we’ll
see you next week
[Music]
let’s get rowdy up in here
