J & Z have Trevor and Jordan on the podcast, Trevor tries to convince us that he studies old manuscripts and ancient writings, and the rest I don’t really remember.
oh it’s already
welcome back slapsticks this around
lunchtable episode 43. that was really
good
nice and we have some special guests
here today with us um but before i do
that i just wanted to say i want to
thank our sponsor after oceans bringing
ideas and ads to life and one
sorry awesome
go
to life
okay well um and anyways and we do have
once again some atlt alumni we have
jordan obaya one of aperture owned by
the ocean’s own finest and a returning
atlt alumni trevor cartwright yes great
to have you guys the guy who wants to
kill tom cruise yes that guy if you
remember don’t remember and the guy that
did some other unspeakable things
don’t get me going on tom cruise yeah
so uh yeah here we are we’re doing a
four-way tonight yeah four-way is good
yeah we were just watching some uh we
were just watching the old ball game
yankees versus red sox that was good uh
we were talking about it wasn’t over but
you were kind of pushing it yeah i
didn’t do the episode so it’s okay the
game we don’t know what happened in the
end yeah it’s baseball you never know
it couldn’t turn any given it could take
a turn
the uh the only thing you were saying
what if i think it would be way more fun
if they just removed the net you know
yeah i want to see a eight-year-old take
a [ __ ] ball off the face that was my
idea
yeah that was my yeah i’m saying but if
there was no net and there’s like the
the kid with the number one finger just
gets decked if you see like five or six
fatalities a game a lot more people
would probably watch baseball and that’s
what like the ambulance guys are there
for otherwise they’re just sitting
around not doing it yeah people would be
showing up with the riot chills
got into it with someone on wednesday at
the mariners came because i’ve seen
another
[ __ ] 50 year old man with a baseball
glove at a baseball game i’m just like i
was like dude are you like why you’re
not going to catch a foul and also
that is for little kids like why are you
bringing a glove catch it with your hand
like a grown-ass man or your beer
man
yeah i got pissed a lot of people have
gloves they still miss it though they
don’t catch it honestly he’s bringing
off a pedophile vibe okay that’s not
good oh my god you don’t want that oh my
god dude like i need to catch this ball
so i haven’t end with one of these let’s
just say
hey if you want this ball just come on
come on come here public public service
announcement if you are older than the
age of six actually not even 16 14 do
not bring a glove to a baseball game
jack-jack is weird hey we’re going to be
on mitts i was saying
he did ask me he texted me he’s like are
you wearing mitts are we going to bring
our mitts to the game you know
if we sound bite that whatever makes you
happy jack well maybe we wanted to play
a little bit of pepper in the parking
lot yeah you know a pepper we i actually
saw this video of this kid that uh he
had just like a normal baseball he
caught the foul ball and this little
girl wanted it which by the way one of
the little girls always just get to
average like if you want it work for it
like well they’re going to get that when
they get older they don’t need it now
yeah exactly
no i mean like whatever they want oh
he’s learning
yeah but no he gave her he swapped the
balls and gave her the [ __ ] the one
he already had he’s like yeah serves you
right and it was good because she got
you know the satisfaction of not working
for anything and he got the you know he
got to keep the ball he won esther yeah
that was great i told him that story
he’s on a roll tonight wow
he’s
loving everyone
there’s no reason why a a grown-up
should ever want a ball so bad like you
ever see people die
no like in san francisco
they’ll jump out their kayaks and just
okay well that’s kind of funny because
there are other guys
i would do that but like i’ve seen a
playoff game in the cubs this like guy
ran through the standards a playoff game
and he ran like over the ledge and like
robbed the foul ball catch from their
own team everyone’s like dude everyone’s
literally gonna murder you and also how
the [ __ ] old are you the guy looked like
he’s 60.
wasn’t there a world series game where
it was like
i remember watching like a documentary
on this with my dad this dude was just
like wearing headphones or whatever he
just went and grabbed the ball and it
was like the game winning out or
something like that that’s happened a
few times
history actually yeah and the guy would
have totally had anything the fans have
kind of but that’s part of the game when
you want a full ballpark this is what
happens ever seen that that video that
guy that was literally on the [ __ ]
dead center wall who [ __ ] grabbed the
ball there was a home run and they
[ __ ] hucked it and hit [ __ ]
stanton on second base you [ __ ]
gnarly
this guy’s got a [ __ ] cannon
someone’s a [ __ ] cannon but he’s like
this guy can it sign him up yeah would
you guys ever have like sex and
catcher’s gear or anything like that
like what i know someone i know someone
who does that that’s great no you don’t
conversation no
if you mean like weird they don’t use
catchers there’s no way i have heard cuz
you know how they have the little flap
you can just flip up
that’s not that far down there to use
look at that hey
people people have foot fetishes too
yeah so catcher’s gear fantasies i think
it’s more like maybe this is robinson
i mean they sell things for that jack
have you even been catching this smells
bad i’ve i’ve thought about it i don’t
own catchers yeah i’m in the market can
you imagine well
i can i i know where you can find some
at our house oh downstairs if it’s caleb
it’s probably very sticky
can you
like the [ __ ] girl comes home and the
dude is just in catcher’s gear naked but
when catchers gear hey
he flips up the flop there it is flips
up the flop she’s like is that it
is that it
and he’s hitting a strike tonight let me
tell you
and he is fighting on his show
he is putting on a [ __ ] show all
right all right jack have you ever had
a run in with the police have i ever had
a run with the police um i’ve ran from
the police yes yeah yeah uh elaborate
please um we were coming we were at
rayqu ray crawford’s party a girl we
know was on the was on the table going
what the [ __ ]
[Music]
dude that’s the thing like what like if
girls can go on the table and just rip
their titties out why can’t i go up
there and just next thing i’m gonna do
your wiener out but dude
helicopter up on the table yeah it’s
like oh
i do
that
[Laughter]
i am an apache helicopter
[Laughter]
um
no yeah they just like busted it and me
and this guy named terry love terry um
terry
we ran to the old cavalier but like he
could never fit in the cavalry remember
we’d have to open the sunroof or part of
southern oregon university yeah
what about you actually wait i want to
hear jordan i think we’re all going to
go the first time i ran from the top
[Music]
okay i want to tell two and he brought
out his nightstand
i was 12 and we were throwing well
these uh we were uh we were going to the
park and these uh tennis players called
us [ __ ] and so we started picking up
pine cones
stranger things go [ __ ] yourself so we
picked up these pine cones and rocks and
we started throwing it at them and we
had slingshots and we started chucking
them you brought your slingshots to the
park it sounded i was 12.
yeah and the cops followed us back to
their to my house and gave us the talk
but you didn’t you didn’t run very fast
my second best running with the cops was
like
we smoked a big fat jay this is b big
fats so [ __ ] before we drove
and i was in a band like you said tell
me a band story and tell me a band story
this is your band story thank you i was
opening for ac dc yeah ac daisy
for celine dion we’re on our [ __ ] way
home anyways and this is before weed is
legal we get pulled over and
i thought it’s still not legal to do it
and drive
it isn’t it
yeah we didn’t get arrested or anything
but i made it out alive that’s so
[ __ ] nice i like the tennis player
one because they were calling you
[ __ ]
yeah and so i threw a shine
why would you call the cops on that it’s
like no you need to get the i didn’t
call them i know why would they call the
cops a 12 year old shooting pie throwing
rocks and pine cones oh stoning like the
old age
imagine that getting stoned in like the
town square because you pickpocketed a
freaking child or whatever it would be
kind of cool
they usually remove your fingers for
that i did it stoning was like
other witchcraft dude that would suck
imagine 85 people just throwing rocks
that you’re just like that’s the worst
they definitely knew how to [ __ ] you
over there there’s like going to suck it
was like us going to a movie nowadays
like hey guys you want to go go to the
stoning at [ __ ] seven and just yeah
or like when they did beheadings and
everyone’s like yeah
[Music]
i don’t know any deaths in football well
yeah that’s what happens okay yeah i
mean it’s pretty violent support but
we’re not allowed to kill people anymore
i don’t know if you noticed and we can’t
taunt them now
which is good there’s a taunting penalty
throw the flag yeah yeah that’s right
yeah which is off the good [ __ ]
i don’t want that yeah they they get
paid a lot of money at their own expense
and we get to watch
their expense
so if there was a gladiator ring brought
back now are we going or not
yeah i would probably try it i don’t
know how well i would probably front row
i would i’d probably be like sitting
like the back and be like yeah i don’t
want anyone to know about someone would
like some shades on a big hat yeah and
you’re just like so is this like like
your favorite gladiator like a big
mascot yeah
you’re like so is this the bee’s knees
and then you see him get murdered in
front of you
it was always like oh here’s this
[ __ ] 800 pound lion and you have a
stick they did fight each other i don’t
know i just remember the movies it was
like was there’s an animal or like an
easter egg how do you watch gladiators
yeah that’s gladiators literally he
killed so many people and then the lions
come out their tigers well they come out
wow he’s fighting
killing people’s illegal unless you do
it for sport kind of like porn like if
you pay someone for sex it’s illegal but
if you have a camera
it’s okay
wait rewind tell me run that by me again
i said it’s weird that killing was
illegal unless you’re doing it for sport
from a crowd same thing with oh back in
the background i swear you just said
it’s weird because like killing is legal
i’m like no i said killing’s illegal
like where unless you’re doing it in
front of a crowd something with porn
it’s like you can’t pay someone for sex
but if there’s a camera then it’s like
oh it’s a porno i don’t think that’s
quite the same thing okay so yeah it was
an example i got a mythological i got to
read these ancient texts
and it was there were like 10 libraries
but it was like it was like ancient
mesopotamia and they had like 10 laws or
things you couldn’t do are you an
archaeologist
no
it was it was it was in a book i read
survivors
and
one of them was like if you steal from
your neighbor and you can prove it you
can kill him and i was like that’s a
badass yeah because they were like we’ll
prove prove that he stole forever in
egypt like those little brushes
and i was just
like in the mummy
i thought it was pretty cool and you
couldn’t and if you and if you’re so
another funny thing kane said doctor
another another fun thing before i tell
you where i got these things another fun
thing was so the husband the husband
could cheat on his wife
but if the wife cheated on him he could
murder her
i was like dude we go in his room
there’s just glass cases there’s ceramic
[ __ ] tablets in a pot i’ve been to
egypt all right i’m gonna steal it i’m
gonna steal the declaration of
independence
nicholas cage over here saw the
documents have you guys ever read a
history textbook in your life yes but
you know wait i said it sounded like you
just dusted off these parchments you
found it i did examine it with lemon to
expose the [ __ ] picture i did believe
it or not you’re writing an invisible
link back then
maybe i think
it’s possible anyways
z
i know you’ve had trouble with police by
the way why is that by the color
oh i
oh you’re just a sweetheart aren’t you
oh my god he didn’t get in trouble at
all tennis players called him i got the
talking okay that’s not but they called
you [ __ ] hey
i’ve been in the clinker for the night i
didn’t tell that story yet
okay
i’ve been in the clinic we were on tour
in raleigh north
[Laughter]
there was a carolina
and it was full
i’ve i’ve never been in jail
i have an actual dark scary place the
only thing it was a dark instrument the
only time i’ve ran into police
was when i was 13 years old oh well not
an adult i mean were you eating ass but
i was throwing water did they call you
[ __ ] no no honestly i was probably i
was still a virgin at thirteen i wasn’t
eating if i was eating ass famous
i’d be a menace to society at this point
yeah men is just the same but similar to
you there’s no tennis players involved
but
uh i was oh no a pack of tennis players
were screwed me and my buddy
got our hands on a bow and arrow
um don’t know well i’m not going to say
how we got it we didn’t steal it we
still could get in trouble for this we
went to we went to a public park and we
were shooting it towards the forest
where like there aren’t people it is a
public
and we were shooting and then someone
apparently that entire time we were at
the park by ourselves had called the
police on us and a cop showed up
and he he like drove up right up on the
street and then he like he got out of
his car with his hand on his his waist
like by his gun
i’m 13 years old okay i have a bow and
arrow on my hand and he goes drop the
weapon
drop the weapon like i was gonna [ __ ]
shoot him with the bow and arrow
luckily
i’m still alive luckily i did and you
got away i did not
try to shoot him with bow and arrow did
you point it at him in like a standoff
situation no i dropped oh yeah i mean i
immediately dropped the bow and arrow
though why but it was still [ __ ] back
you dropped it
he’s like he’s like police drop the
weapon police drop the weapon wait a
minute have i thought have i told this
story no i haven’t no okay because as
soon as i was telling you it was like a
feeling
okay anyway so i dropped the weapon my
dad’s prosecutor of the hometown i work
i live in not working sorry it’s been a
while prosecute a cart right now
prosecutor cartwright and so he he’s
friends with your please drops the file
this man was simply walking home from
work
the cop confiscates the bow and arrow
from me
after i drop it and he’s like go home
you can’t shoot this a public park
yes
he takes it and then he goes home and i
don’t say [ __ ] to my dad i was like oh
holy [ __ ] i got away with [ __ ]
shooting a boner at the park my dad
comes home from work that day and he has
an arrow in his head and he drops on the
table i’m like oh [ __ ]
he’s like
and then
he was like what’s this and i was like
i’ve never seen that before when when
dudes are caught they say so much dumb
[ __ ] like if you’re caught in the
activities you’re like
like for example like for example last
night jack spilled a candle on aaron’s
rug which she very happy and always
thought it was gonna be me but it was
him it was me and then so it’s like dark
wax it’s dark it goes through the table
because the table because the table
isn’t really it it’s a basket it’s a
basketball it goes to the table and
pours through the basket he looks at it
did you just spill that he’s like no
no i didn’t i lied you liar he’s like no
it was a it was a [ __ ] cat he’s a
[ __ ] yeah well the cat’s the one who
bit me him and that’s why he like jumped
out at me that’s why she was like if he
bites you you got to take the pain
the funniest part was just
like everyone saw
the hot wax was that
because it’s wax like dripped through
and stuff and it’s really dark and it’s
on white carpet
did you spill he’s like no big smell
it’s good it wasn’t me what do you think
is the most disgusting food to eat on
like a first date that just sounds like
indeed
really well i wouldn’t even eat anything
indeed anyway no i don’t like indian
food curry you guys are suck it would
probably be any type of pasta because
like
yeah i mean i don’t care that’s cool
yeah that would be a bad one you could
as much as i am
it’s not fun to take small bites i
always want more is there like an
unwritten rule like when you’re eating
pasta together you just like don’t look
at the other person because i purposely
don’t because it’s like i don’t want
them to look at me eye contact eye
contact
yeah it’s yeah
i mean you there are those things
you can use a spoon and kind of twirl it
so it’s more and once one could argue
it’s better to make eye contact while
you’re stuck
it could be seductive you’re just
looking at it
i’m just saying if a girl did that to me
where she’s just like where were you
doing that we just talked
dude jordan’s been checking out the last
four minutes we just talked about
what
he’s he just whispers this is
dude i just found out you had to make
the broth for like over 24 hours yeah
yeah yeah because we wanted to make it
that’s what i checked out
yeah
in the documents i found they mentioned
a lot of ancient soups i will marinate i
hey why don’t you read an ancient
article for once in your life how has
that helped you in life huh i know in
situations like this i know i know a lot
of history i know a few things
yeah do not assume her gender thank you
god z you’re over two already go
national treasure come on oh
it’s coming
what does that mean the oldest artifact
i know the dead sea scrolls would
probably be the oldest artifact
what is it with the big heads easter
island
sorry it was it started with an e
elephant island
hey uh you know what we should we should
book some a trip to ellis
yeah it’s that’s what they should call
these elephants everywhere that’s what
these are called [ __ ] menchie’s
that’s exactly that is that is good yeah
apparently they used to have like bodies
and [ __ ]
maybe bodies and you can actually get
elephant island no easter island just
for fun i’m gonna go elephant island too
yes
i’m scared
even though it’s not it’s i heard that
like elephants aren’t supposed to have
people on them shocking and you can
actually like elephant island is an
island in the arctic look at that oh
that’s why they go there yeah that’s
what you meant yeah completely different
so i i know some people who traveled to
antarctica for like fun i don’t know why
you’d ever want to i thought you can’t
go there apparently it’s protected by
the unit because apparently a lot of
it’s actually tropical that we don’t
know about and there’s a pyramid there
as well interesting so like from like
aliens vs predators that movie where
there’s a underground that apparently
yeah
yeah well no no not not that but if you
go to like google earth you can just see
the [ __ ] pyramid
yeah it’s there
there’s a lot i believe that’s where hit
that’s where hitler went when he it was
either argentina or antarctica i’m
pretty sure argentina yeah but um no i
know i’m saying it was the conspiracy is
one or the other no i’m saying if you
didn’t do it that it makes sense i’m
sorry the most [ __ ] narcissistic guy
in the world’s like yeah i’m done just
like
he ain’t gonna kill himself oh he killed
himself i don’t think he did don’t
really
you think you think he just offed
himself in the bunker with some [ __ ]
which by the way talk about loyal hoes
man she went out with him dude you know
they were like ah
is she gonna do it because if not i’m
gonna kill her yeah yeah and then i’m
gonna
myself i mean she probably acted like
she’s probably going to kill
she liked him but
i mean say so like he was dirty rich for
a while i don’t blame her yeah like say
you had to be like hitler’s slave for a
while like would you
like act like you like them or would you
just want to die i don’t know that
mustache is pretty
ranky dude it probably would freaking
hurt if he’s like kissing you and german
german is such a violent language
yeah sorry it’s probably going to piss
off wendell
it’s a pencil bust
anyway i think it’s a violent language
i think it’s just eastern europeans
actually languages eastern european
sound german though just if you could
have any
if you could have any accent actually no
i have i have a better question french
irish what celebrity do you do you think
you look like because i have one that i
think you look like but do i think i
located no one has their own when they
look at themselves yeah i don’t know
what other people have i see ozzy
osbourne in you
it’s when you wear the glasses when you
wear these people have long greasy hair
and i don’t sing [ __ ] death metal i
don’t yeah
[Applause]
i could be him for halloween
jordan i see is like a
like a stone
like a low-level drug dealer who wants
to make it to the top [ __ ] spock
that’s not a celebrity too that’s funny
i see you as jeffrey epstein
similar with the
um
let’s see i will take his money but not
his sexual desires
uh let’s just uh let’s dye your hair
brown in your ted bundy oh
what they think yeah it’s like well he
was actually attractive it’s like what
you think one attractive guy ain’t going
to be [ __ ] nice i saw pictures of me
but back then i guess he was like oh
yeah oh back then so there’s lower
standards yeah everything was different
like things were in the now
we got you know [ __ ] we got green we
got [ __ ] rings and [ __ ] rings dude it
gets filthy nowadays dude we got sex
robots now they’re like
it’s filthy though it’s just you know
it’s different do you have those yeah we
live in
we live in an age where you know girls
like to take their tops off i think we
need to encourage that yeah
we live in an age where if you’re a
horny you can have a silicone [ __ ]
delivered to you overnight
in a discreet box yeah with lube
like it’s just like god these kids these
days are just like everything’s at a
touch of a button yeah like i can go
like this on my phone and have like a
plastic vagina even rewinding not even
not even too long ago i’m saying you
remember a time
i’m saying snapchat
first days if you were the i’m pretty
sure we were in high school on snapchat
was it yeah was in its first remember it
had a list of best friends
that caused a lot of trouble we were
talking about homework i swear
amongst everyone because whether you
were dating someone or you just had a
thing with them they would be like oh
why are you talk you know cause a lot of
problems but i will say i would know
everyone you remember how big of a deal
it was
if the girl you were flirting with or
talked to whatever sent you like
underwear like
it was insane and remember there was the
thing you could do to screenshot so she
wouldn’t see it but i’m saying anyways
oh and now it’s like i just see
teddy teddy’s titties and coochies all
over twitter all over my twitter tatties
we’re so desensitized to it yeah i’m
saying but back then you remember that
how
if you even got a tit pic it was just
dude your year was good
i was in the [ __ ] house for sending
titpix around a lot in fact the
school year school administration
one time i sent a picture of a girl’s
tits to my friends and then the [ __ ]
principal pulled me into their office
and it was the most awkward experience
like trevor we saw the teddy’s
trevor can i see a person and match it
up with a girl exactly what happened too
i was like you son of a [ __ ]
you know this is child pornography you
can’t be looking at this by the way true
yeah
let’s put them on good point actually
that’s true technically he cannot yeah
let’s let’s put that it was okay i was i
was like please principal that’s the
president please don’t tell my parents
because the president can do it today no
but he can do it no one gives he gives a
[ __ ] because he can hide it i mean there
was there was like three there was a
principal there was like this the
counselor is a woman there’s three
adults in the room looking at the
pictures and showing me i was like what
okay what what do you want from me like
okay
technically this is child pornography
let me just blur those delete to leave
later yeah i was like what do you want
from me sorry jordan you were
homeschooled how did that work like
no i mean like how did you meet like
[ __ ] to like did you have math at 9
00 a.m
how does that mean i started playing
school sports i was the mysterious man
the mysterious man
[Music]
oh dirty fox in like fifth grade
[Laughter]
i held her hand right afterwards okay
sure she wore my jerseys
back then though dude you get a hug like
remember you’re like okay oh yeah after
school a hug was like dude your bird was
like this like the whole the whole day
you’re like waiting for them today
you’re like dude i’m so [ __ ] nervous
oh my god i’m gonna hug her afterwards
wasn’t your bird though so
my bird one bird hug just
you’re not telling me that you didn’t
tell me like i was at a chub yeah
that is like the ultimate ecstasy when
you’re younger is like dude if you’re
holding hands there you’re hugging her
all the time dude
like dude this [ __ ] is mine
um my my fifth grade teacher was like
and she had she had fake tits and i was
like right at the height which is really
for elementary school
fifth grade yes and so every time she
hugged me i would just get swallowed by
[ __ ]
silicone
and i was just like
that’s when i knew i liked women yeah
for sure you didn’t know before oh
i was a little nervous about it oh i see
what you’re saying i mean i didn’t hit
puberty until seventh grade i was late
bloomer i mean i like i i knew i know i
got a lot of time i liked women
oh i made up for it
yeah i do miss that time when you were
like smaller you know and you could like
hug women fitness fitness small spaces
too like i had this one i had this one
teacher little wicker basket you know
i had this one teacher my freshman year
high school
and she because i went to north my
freshman year um and she would always
wear dude oh my god she had such nice
titties
and so she would like lean and every
time she would help me i would was mine
and she would always lean over like
right
lean over i’m like
yeah
yeah number two is when i’m having too
much yeah
so i will give everything i would i was
like 14. i would call her two i would
call like because she’s like okay just
raise your hand for help and i’ll come
help you i’m struggling with questions
she always wore
the type of shirt it was just everything
and just hanging yeah she always would i
feel like she showed me what she was
doing yeah she must have i’m saying and
every i would ask her like every day i’d
be like hey i have a question even
though like i already know the answer
i’m like hey can you uh help me on this
one right here oh yeah so what you do is
you take two and then like i make oh my
goodness it’s a longer problem so if she
comes over here i’m so i’m gonna sound
like i’m like i’m like
and you’re right but the thing is i keep
my head down so in her perips
peripherals yeah she would look she
would it would look like i’m still
looking down so i’m just like this i’m
like this like look at the paper
you just have to give it the thing to
was when you’re like doing stuff right
really small so she’s like
lean’s all in like
excuse me a mess you dropped something
and then she yeah anyways the worst part
was when it was like one of the older
not attractive woman that do the same
thing like we had this uh we had this
teacher that woman name named nameless
and like she just it was one of those
like you know when the ass is really
like really big and they don’t walk
right you know
yeah
there’s a couple of different examples
but i think like hip dysplasia yeah
it’s like it’s like it’s a wide load is
what i’m saying it’s like it’s very big
it’s not like it’s meant for bearing
children
birthday cribs yeah but like also fat at
the same time that’s what i’m saying
when they bend over in front of you yeah
it’s like a black widow when you see
them you know how big their asses are
but their body is really tiny yeah
that’s what it’s like yeah well no she
didn’t i mean it was all big she didn’t
have like the hourglass figure yeah who
was like she wasn’t slim thick she was
like 60. it’s like a peach
oh [ __ ]
anyway sorry i didn’t mean to interrupt
i was just no i was just saying that
that that’s the [ __ ] worst dude i
mean
jordan so you being i’m gonna go back to
home schooled again um you didn’t tell
[ __ ] yeah yeah we want to know like so
like you would meet these girls just
like at sport games but you’re playing
in the game so how did you how did you
talk to him afterwards
i don’t feel like i should explain
myself well it’s okay because no one
heard you say that so it’s all right
i don’t pillock i should explain myself
you don’t feel like you should explain
yourself when you’re in seventh grade
how you talk to [ __ ] dude i didn’t
have to say anything i just stood there
and then they just like i just
oh
george
okay fine you guys don’t want to believe
me you weren’t gonna help no no no don’t
believe me no we do that’s literally
what happened that’s literally gonna
happen you’re handsome whatever you want
exactly i sat there and that [ __ ]
came right up okay how about this what
is the most embarrassing thing you’ve
ever said to a girl
like i’m saying it could be i thought
you’re gonna say embarrassing thing with
a girl and i had a really good okay
perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect
embarrassing thing with a girl
embarrassing moment
my mom
happened to come home oh
of the middle of the day
oh my god
hit the shower on like i’m getting ready
to get in the shower mom
ma’am yeah i was a little kid and uh and
you were whacking your wien no there was
a woman in my house and she wasn’t she
was in the bathroom she was in the
shower he’s a man he’s a man of god she
was in my room then why did you want a
bathroom insanity oh because you’re okay
yeah i was just shoes in the room and my
mom came up there and like screamed
you’re from the
devil you know hey my mom was she didn’t
bring god into it but she would be like
who
was
who who are you [ __ ] was that [ __ ]
last night i’m like mom she’s a nice
woman
mom that’s my wife and also she loves
her she did things to me last night that
you’ve never done it for me mom
she showed me her boobies and i liked
him
something’s wrong with his medulla
hey i was like hey hey mom guess what
you don’t get to call people [ __ ]
anymore because i’m a [ __ ] believe it
or not you know what mom you grew up in
the 80s what does that make you oh
that is crazy like back then like they
all just did coke and 24 7. it was party
times yeah and mlms
my multi-level marketing was legal and
you know but then a pyramid scheme
there’s a lot of people who got arrested
for it
it didn’t become
illegal was like a [ __ ] thing people
got arrested and like it was just like
10 years people are people from the ages
are so scared of marijuana my own dad
framed me
for having a pipe at the house
my mom found a pipe and she was like
trevor
and it was my [ __ ] dad’s the whole
time and i was like
you know he just didn’t say [ __ ] and
i’ve nev i’ve never even seen the
goddamn pipe i was like i don’t know
i’ve never seen the goddamn guy
she was like she was like well i know
it’s not your brother’s and i was like
he like walks with you who’s she going
to believe
no i found out [ __ ] three years later
i was 21 like and i was like i was
telling the story my dad’s like oh yeah
that was mine and i was like are you i
was
made
i was grounded for two weeks dad what
the i could have been slaying so much
poon dad yeah dude i i mean what’s the
worst trouble you got in with your
parents
like
i feel like you you did some naughty
things back in the day
i looked pretty good
for the i mean i didn’t get i was doing
stupid things but i didn’t get caught
very often oh that’s good uh the worst
thing the worst trouble i was ever in
um uh
my freshman year in college came home
and
naturally i was 19 years old like
throwing a party with all my friends
from back home my parents out of town
this weekend
and someone
will i will not name um
had two four lokos and did a bunch of
coke i guess
and he got in a fight with my toilet and
he kicked in the top of it and smashed
the whole thing in
and the toilet porcelain god
that’s dude and the thing is the guy i
was like the guy was like five foot five
i don’t even know how he got his foot up
that [ __ ] high like it was like but
it’s like porcelain like he cracked it
he cracked it in
like a karate chop like a little
spongebob karate why but i don’t
do you ever have two
two four locos and cocaine will make you
you probably he probably thought the
toilet’s talking to him i guess what the
[ __ ] he kicked it and i saw i tried to
hide it out i got so pissed i was like
dude i can’t hide this from my parents
like this is like i can clean up a mess
right and then be like all right bro i
cannot go to lowe’s and buy a new top
no not the exact same phone replacement
perfectly i mean you can’t though
like if it’s a custom-made toilet you
don’t you can’t just go find a tub
i went to i went to his [ __ ] house
how’s the lid that closes itself you
ever say what you’re going to say you
know what i did i went to his [ __ ]
house and i took the top off his [ __ ]
toilet
it was not custom-made i covered it i
covered with the towel
and he broke it i covered with the towel
and it was two inches too big on this
i’m never gonna pick up that towel
no no she no as soon as she walked in
the house and she went in the bathroom
she’s like trevor what the [ __ ] is this
and i was like i sat on the wrong part
mom i tried to poop up top
taking an upper decker upper decker yeah
denny’s yeah honestly no because [ __ ]
why you’ve taken an upper decker and
denny’s tell a story were you there with
your favorite son of a [ __ ]
those are hard-working people
the girl was being a real big [ __ ]
you [ __ ] over where were you
janitor were you first or fifth
i can’t remember i was probably like
because imagine like what’s sitting on
that side
that’s so [ __ ] up just laying a log
off of someone else’s turd yeah
if we have any listeners who work at
danny’s
um please tell us if if cause i’ve
worked at places where there’s a janitor
for a restaurant i’ve worked in places
where they’re like hey it’s your turn
closing crew it’s your turn to clean the
toilet the thing is when you clean the
[ __ ] at you close you don’t look at
the top of the toilet you just like i
think this is not smells like [ __ ]
just some rubber gloves
it’s either the janitor or the plumber
that’s gonna have to deal with it one of
the other yep
you are a menace
because when they flush the toilet and
it’s clean it’s brown just imaginable
okay the thing about dogs is like it’s
easy to pick up because it gets hard
real quick like those are just gonna be
not unless you’re sick they’re wet when
they come out don’t they i’m saying that
like you pick them up and it’s still a
one piece a lot of experience in dog
poop
no
this episode is taking a turn for the
worse but um no but i’m saying like if
you got to pick up human poop like it
just feels like i’ve never picked up
humans yeah i haven’t either
he sounds like you have to say like have
you ever held this
have you ever felt the heat in your hand
it feels great it’s great i feel those
people like to get pooped on your chest
i just want to know what happens once
they do it like it’s like okay i just
came now what do i do with this vlog
obviously they sniffer talk about
regrets
we’re talking about a bunch of fetishes
that now that probably that’s got to be
some crazy post not clear
you ever not and you’re like oh wow why
am i here then you nut and then you’re
like i have [ __ ] on my chest i’m gonna
go hang myself you you have poster
clarity without any of the [ __ ] just
like normally you’re you’re like oh [ __ ]
maybe i was a little bit mistaken but
it’s okay they were a little too [ __ ]
like imagine doing that and then you’re
like great there is [ __ ] it’s on my
[ __ ] did you have a doggie bag or
like a like a safeway plastic bag we can
can i smell that i’d make them throw me
in the washing machine yeah yeah
there are uh there are people who like
you know like farts and [ __ ]
what is going on
we just talked about poop i don’t want
to talk about this i listen to you are
you into this stuff i listened to a
podcast today i listened to the baseball
really talking about it i listened to
the basement yard and they said that
they want they played a video on it
where a guy said
he he was waiting for this girl to fart
and he was like and he was like i i was
like okay he was like i was like i want
a good one and so it’s like a good like
what what’s a good one
like he’s asking uh he’s asking a bakery
for the good loaf of bread in the back
i don’t want the good one i want the
good one the fresh one what’d you eat
here today pf chang’s i want the little
toot just the little shirt
hey hey i just listened to it today no
no more poop all right jacqueline tudor
poops and queefs
all right okay let’s
first let’s finish this out let’s get it
the same thing no more farts okay no
more farts what’s a [ __ ] fart he
brought up [ __ ] trevor’s trivia
all right a new segment of the day guys
last time we talked travis i’m gonna
interview you guys there are things you
can google where you’re just like the
answers it doesn’t make any sense who
posted this is it from wikipedia you
know okay okay so i need two and
two and a half intelligent minds
i got a half yes that’s why i looked at
you last
so two and two and a half men
where does the term blue collar come
from please explain blue collar worker
yes people don’t work did they have blue
collars that day
no way it’s just like because back in
the day all the other ones for your
average american
the workers that were worked in the
business or the white collar suits and
the people that worked up in the
skyscrapers the shitty workers that
worked in construction were the blue
collars construction workers don’t make
bad money though
where white collar workers are the
people with suits that work in stocks
and business and finance blue collar
comes from construction so hard work
what about the people who work in the
restaurant never mind no no fact i was
listening i was listening history books
did mean nothing good
did you have some [ __ ] thanks
all right i think i got the answer i
needed did you guys get another trivia
question please oh yeah
i’m uh going to answer the next question
trevor’s trivia let’s have you guys
answer the questions if you know the
answer trevor’s trivia comes from
questions but trevor is i’m like a i
have a
i have an average sense of knowledge
about things
85 encyclopedias in his room britannicas
and [ __ ] a-a-a-a-1
b-minus average in college huh and still
be all right
yeah it’s still beat otherwise
uh trevor’s triv trevor’s trip trevor’s
trip what a twitter traverse
audience
please please do it well what a terrific
audience
how insightful we should put that on our
intro at some point
thank you for watching atlt
you should not
pass
sorry that’s jimmy from south park
can you say aperture oceans bring ads
and ideas to life no i’m not going to
yeah and also i
really don’t like gingers
why why don’t you like gingers i don’t
have souls i’ve met a couple pretty ones
but anyways trevor’s trevor street
actually listen listen this there is
actually some hot red heads not a lot i
know either i agree i saw the titanic
carlo j hanson titan i don’t know if
he’s dyed ginger i don’t think she’s
actually ginger
she’s not ginger she dies it like
scarlet red
or no it’s definitely a crimson
strawberry blonde
only one way to see
check the drapes
back to trevor’s tribute are you guys
trimmers or shavers
i shave with a razor same
all right trevor’s trivia why why did
they why did they uh
change um stds to stis why did they
change the term for it
sexual transgender diseases they use
both to infect d’s and eyes are
different yeah and infections no but
they change it entirely where like
if you got like i haven’t had that many
tests back in 2013
oh my god did you guys rehearse this on
the way here
no i did i i didn’t even [ __ ] know
he’s coming the thing is they still they
still use like sd cards
sti like they still have two categories
for it so that’s why i’m like so why is
aids or hiv worse is it the same thing
no one is like you’re seeing one one’s a
virus one’s a disease which one’s the
one you’re [ __ ] like you’re like the
easy you got i believe that’s
right but i believe you can have an aide
just one i thought it’s like
it’s like yeah my joke i just haven’t
it’s my joke
that’s from family guy thank you
our joke i just gave it all the way
anyways uh
aid i don’t know the difference between
std and sti to be honest sexually
transmitted infections between
sexually transmitted diseases
trevor’s trivia okay why did english
from the united kingdom change when it
came over to the united states because
we just wanted to be different
because we were countries
wait wait what was the question why did
they want to change why did english
change when it left the united kingdom
sort of like you have e’s and
vows
now you and they
turned it into takes because we started
caring about pronouns um
if you’re not going to answer it i have
another trevor’s trivia yeah you guys
are [ __ ]
all right um i didn’t study for this one
so travis trivia why was there alcohol
prohibition
because
uh
the government wasn’t making any money
off of it no that’s why they brought it
in that’s why they brought it back was
because
they could tax the [ __ ] out of it yeah i
thought it was like weren’t making any
money so they legalized it and then they
brought it back i thought they thought
because it would
fix like crime and [ __ ] honestly
trevor what’s the answer
i don’t know what’s there
gotta know the answers to your question
i absolutely do not i make the rules oh
yeah easy oh all right
um trevor’s trivia what did the aztecs
call weapons
that were used against them
so you had to choose the concrete so you
had to choose a side during the civil
war like north or south
north because we know what the [ __ ]
happened
uh i would i would definitely choose the
north for obvious reasons yeah generally
that’s the south
[Laughter]
it was ulysses s grant
also the guy on the 50 bill yeah i just
really related to grant so did you guys
remember when how pissed people got when
they tore down the statue of a
confederate [ __ ] general yeah why are
you guys it
why the [ __ ] do they care they probably
walk by that thing every day and just
like oh look at that you guys remember
you guys remember standing
you can’t convince me that the john
smith pocahontas thing john smith this
is he just [ __ ] raped her probably he
had to have this whole history oh they
were in love well guys we have to be
honest with how the stories were told
because they were not told they were
told by the victors
they were they were now we know you guys
were actually in love but oh she fell
over that cliff she can’t tell you you
can understand sarcasm oh she got really
sick in that winter in in the jokes we
make that we do make but we all can
realize there was a reality in that
there was no way in hell that oh this
woman was not raped yes because
it was back then it was just like
there’s no repercussions for it so
everyone was just what what was
pocahontas famous for did didn’t she
lead like
clark well she
that was like
chicago yeah yes that was the right
that’s part of my culture pocahontas
yeah it was not the right same one my
culture is not your costume
every halloween identify as an apache
it’s like someone dressed as an indian
everywhere i actually had the real
teletubby tell me that cause i’m a
teletubbie every year and i kick the
[ __ ] out of them dude one year i tried
to be like i was like gonna be a cholo
for halloween like that’s racist i’m
like
i’m brown
i’m like how is it racist and even if
someone else wants how is it racist it’s
a costume
i’m not doing black no one’s doing black
now that’s a little that that’s
something else i think bill burr said it
best when he was like he was like he was
on this date and the girl’s like this is
gonna sound oddly racist but there’s a
lot of asians in here and he’s like
that’s not racist what would be racist
is like oh my god why are there so many
[ __ ] asians yeah exactly it’s like
dude that would be there’s a fine line
between the two you know what i mean
it’s like okay well
i’m taking up all the tables
or something like that it’s just an
observation it’s like wow there’s a lot
of well next place i’m gonna go like
there there’s a lot of white people well
if there is in fact a lot but that is a
good observation that’s a great time and
sometimes like you know if like if
you’re in a place and there’s just so
many children like there’s a lot of
there’s a lot of kids in here i i almost
you know why people do it
maybe people of other races are like
there’s so many white people yeah of
course yeah people do all the time oh
dude it seems like this isn’t home
this isn’t home i don’t like it where i
come from there’s two type of folk those
who ain’t and those are knee-high and a
grasshopper
yeah and then
all right hey we’re at 50. oh we are
[ __ ] fitting we have finished yes
baby when you’re a piece of [ __ ]
so i’m going to say trevor where can
they find you on instagram
uh
trevor cartwright and yeah i’m not going
to spell it out because well if you
can’t sound on spell right then you’re
t-r-e-v-o-r
c-a-r-t w-r-i-g-h-t thank you for trevor
carhart well you know that
you’re you’re a big
uh you can find me at obaya state
university we are accepting all these
new offers recently have fun no one’s
going to find you
i will say okay what’s happening what’s
your instagram
dude’s going to find me i’m sorry do you
guys know
uh also women stop getting pregnant
please you’re being selfish
we need we need less people there’s too
much traffic cove it didn’t do its job
yeah it’s still true we need a plague
plague mother nature’s trying to just
wait
just wait until you’re like 35 or
something
at that point you’re not gonna want to
do it like did you read about any of the
plagues in your ancient documents
about pla yes i have read quite a few
what was the hieroglyph for plague
was it like
it depends on what language we’re
talking about country we’re in egypt
uh jack underscore spence isaiah
underscore lesney and both of our
instagrams are on the around lunch table
instagram page but also side note
ball collection [ __ ] it’s coming
around hoodie season bd season
joggers season the whole nine so you
better be ready for it yep so let’s just
drop a sexy ass video for it too you
already know yes and jordan’s going to
help out with that um and you want to
run over patreon uh jake todd’s doing
our fall collection again he did great
for the summer and the painting behind
us uh if you’re watching um patreon.com
slash around the lunch table you get
episodes like a [ __ ] duck you get
episodes a week early and you get the
exclusive episodes once a month our next
one’s gonna be good as well so
definitely make sure to check out that
looks like he has doubts
oh you look like you might be an nba
star
you got you got from the 90s you got
like the flat top that’s because he was
like
he was looking at jack he couldn’t
decide he’s like dude he’s kind of got
like
i don’t know his hair is it’s not
straight it’s so like it’s jupro or
it’s perfect honestly yeah
yeah yeah it’s like i just want to do
like the half juice
yeah that was it patreon yeah boom done
check it out give it away so yeah this
is it um if you guys have our patreon or
paid subscription apple podcast you’ll
get this a week early and you’ll already
see it before the rest of the [ __ ]
but if you don’t then you’ll still see
it after so thank you guys for listening
um it’s been a hell of a ride a lot more
great things to come thank you guys for
listening it’s been an honor and a
privilege and as always and see ya
