J & Z talk about the dyson ball, looking fish straight in the eye, and more.
when did birkin get so big i don’t know
what that is it’s a designer isn’t it
designer
bags
i want to get those burberry glasses
dude those things look like someone on
like a dirt bike wears i don’t care who
also plays on a men’s recreational
softball they’re only a couple i mean
the ray bans were just like almost the
same price i mean might as well like 400
i think right there’s like 350.
okay let’s just split the difference i
guess
350.
they’re not the same
it’s not the same after tax you know 50
and not anything to me it’s like 45 yeah
we’re looking at we’re looking at 385
after tax let’s be honest 10 10 out here
now if we get two pairs we get the other
one 20 off
i think that special is over
have you been there no no but i get the
emails every [ __ ] day and you read
all of them
[ __ ] you no you don’t enough to read at
work
yeah i’m sure you don’t welcome back
slap dicks this is around the laundry
table episode
42 42. shout out jackie robinson baby oh
yes the man who changed the game
uh first and foremost want to thank our
sponsor aputure oceans bringing ideas
and ads to life oh i’m sorry i meant to
let you do that one um
yeah sorry we were supposed to do it
yesterday but uh we were really hungover
in a long day because believe it or not
we went to
a pit bull concert
never thought i’d say those words but
we’re in the second row and i’ll tell
you what mr worldwide it was liz [ __ ] mr
worldwide put on a show yeah i remember
texting you and i was like i was like
yeah dude all right i’m down because
you’re i didn’t know we’re gonna go well
i know i didn’t plan on because remember
we were joking not playing we were
jokingly saying oh my god pitbull is
going to be there that’d be so funny and
then next thing you know we have row 2
tickets i mean it was the afternoon
before the concert we bought them yeah
i texted you as like i just sold 400
bucks in algorand to buy pitbull tickets
and i’m like that’s the tweet right
there that’s never thought i’d text but
i’ll be honest though it was [ __ ]
sick when he played hotel room service i
freaked the [ __ ] out it was great dude
mr 305 what what that’s detroit right i
don’t know
or where is he from he’s not from
detroit
so [ __ ] funny man honestly i was okay
there’s a thing too i was laughing the
whole time we were just so close to him
i was watching him dance and i was
[ __ ] crying it was
it was so [ __ ] funny man honestly he
played so many throwback bops though
because let’s be honest we always would
actually many times like made fun of
like who would go to a pit bull concert
it was one of those concerts and i was
amazing and because
let’s be honest regardless what you
think no one can deny his early 2000’s
how many bops he [ __ ] had that’s a
fact
like when you start i know you
i screamed really loud yeah it was it
was [ __ ] phenomenal i would just say
i also got [ __ ] [ __ ] face i ate this
bitch’s fries right in front of her yeah
that was funny yeah i felt bad i don’t
know what the [ __ ] well she took your
drink no i
she
what happened was i think because they
were dancing right there so they slid
our drinks were under their chair they
slid there and obviously you have to no
one can have cans you have to pour in
the cup and so i we had the same type of
drink and so she she slid her drinks
so far under that they were right next
to ours so i reached under just grabbed
one and started pouring pouring in
mother excuse me i’m like and i i
literally excuse me do i amuse you in
her fake ass [ __ ] balenciaga shirt oh
that was so stupid so stupid but um
hello my i’m like oh and i looked at my
oh well i mean our drinks are right
there we have the same one i’m sorry
like and i only i didn’t drink it i just
poured it into mine i poured like three
drops before she noticed i’m like i’m
like oh i’m so sorry i’m like oh yeah
yeah yeah i’m like look under the
[ __ ] chair your drink’s right next to
mine you stupid [ __ ] yeah pissing me
off and then we had the first get your
50 year old boy for the [ __ ] out of here
yeah we had the middle yeah he just
stood there the whole time he just stood
there i’m like yeah do something [ __ ]
yeah
i must have money or something the yeah
he must have money to get a fake
balenciaga wife beater yeah the [ __ ]
it was fake as [ __ ] it’s always like you
know you have those
you know people at the airport who have
like all louis vuitton [ __ ] and they’re
sitting in the back an economy and it’s
like if you had five thousand dollars
actually that’s just for the backpack if
you had fifteen thousand dollars for the
suitcase no you wouldn’t be flying it
wasn’t that i mean i’m i’m just saying
because of the fact that my added to it
my drink was right there she could have
been like she could like oh okay i see
how that would be and i didn’t drink any
of hers i poured like i’m like oh i’m so
sorry i’m like my drink is right like i
like how our drinks are right there you
push yours really far i didn’t see it
then what would you do
well it wasn’t hers it was a different
girl the fries oh i thought i think oh
wait maybe i don’t i thought you looked
her right in the eyes and just grabbed a
fried [ __ ] agent i think i did and i
was like just out of spite like because
it was a 50 year old guy wasn’t gonna do
[ __ ] i mean i wasn’t being a dick i was
like i was like hey i’m like i’m so
sorry
i’m like i’m so sorry i didn’t know you
were nice we had the middle age like oh
yeah yeah yeah i’m like i have my own
drinks i didn’t purposely take yours
dumbass yeah like the [ __ ] we had the
middle-aged moms who like they were in
our seats when we started oh yeah and
they tried so when i confronted them
obviously i knew we were in the right
seats because three of them packed up
their [ __ ] like okay we’re caught we
gotta go and the ones just like look at
my enumclaw rodeo paper crumpled ticket
i’m like i can’t even read this and so
then i hand her my phone and she’s
sliding through my apple wallet for the
force and she’s like
oh this is these aren’t our seats even
though her three friends were already
like ready to go and it’s like so we got
caught it’s like hey it’s second roll
second rule pit bull here all right mr
305 yeah but it was it was a [ __ ] fun
time it was good i’ll be honest it was
fun so many it was nostalgia a lot of
the songs there was um
it was good it was it was great sounded
great god how many times did the dancers
have to redress though i mean they were
casually they were that’s why
that’s why they call mr worldwide baby
dude all around the world yeah people
want to be loved
oh this is fun so uh
today’s national podcast day
congratulations to us i didn’t know that
until you posted something yeah i just
saw a thing uh apple podcast tweeted
about it i was like wow wow that’s cool
it must be nice yeah right
like you know how like people be like
it’s national taco day it’s natural like
who says like groundhog day
that’s when the thing comes out of the
dirt and like looks around and it’s like
iffy is that what it actually means is
there’s like a metaphor for something
well i think if he sees his own shadow
and he gets spooked then it’s like
there’s two more days of summer or
something
where do people come up with this [ __ ]
if the groundhog has down syndrome then
there’s two more weeks of summer
did some of this [ __ ] is just [ __ ]
ridiculous it’s like
[Laughter]
happy concrete day like there’s just a
thing for everybody
so he comes out if he sees his shadow
then it’s like okay something’s
happening it’s like did they just keep
him in like a little cage how do they
know if he sees his show in shadow i
best just guess he’s just like
he just gets spooked he doesn’t know
what it is
maybe they just keep him in an all lit
room so there’s no shadows who i want to
know who came up with these and who what
government funding there was some quirky
mayor who wanted to do something so
they’re like hey so we have this
groundhog let’s just shove them in the
dirt and then like there’s just one for
everything like for example i saw this
one national drink of beer day was
yesterday
that was pretty cool
um
if you had a national z day what would
people have to do on that day drink
drink i guess they do it for everything
anyways but um
your life sucks yeah wait for national z
day yeah
no everyone has to [ __ ]
everyone has to facetime me
that’d be cool
the whole world yeah it’s all it’s
facing me
zoom has to get a huge server
what’s the ping like on this
i don’t know um well no so what i’m
saying is so we got like groundhog’s day
we got [ __ ]
um
like you know remember there was a movie
about it you know they have like a whole
little fair a little ceremony and the
little weasel comes out of the [ __ ]
dirt and it means there’s like the
summer solstice yeah obviously here’s
some more here some more okay this is
october 15th is national white cane
safety day what the [ __ ] is that and it
says aka don’t kick a blind guy today
day
oh
what is that i was gonna kick a blind
guy and then oh it’s national so it’s
like a joke
october 13th national no broad day i’ll
be keeping it out for that one nice um
national drink beer day national coffee
day national walk to school day i live
20 miles but it’s national walk to
school and that’s a pedophile’s favorite
day right there
national do something nice day that
should be everything national no beard
day so just [ __ ] cut it all off on
october 18th
pro
national pro-life cupcake day
pro-life that’s like anti-abortion
national stop bullying day honestly we
need national people it’s like hey don’t
kill these kids let’s have a cupcake
anyways yeah there’s just so many ones
i’m like who the [ __ ] who approves this
there’s must be a committee yeah it’s
like parks and rec [ __ ] just [ __ ]
committees that we just have to put on
there to appease the hippies i don’t
know what the [ __ ] it is but it’s just
weird it’s a strange anyways the uh so
another thing i want to talk about that
i saw some juicy shitland is
so do you know okay so drake’s no album
dropped right yeah certified [ __ ] boy
and the uh
apparently so you know him and that
millie bobby brown girl yeah they took a
picture together yeah okay so no but
apparently they they text a lot and they
have a relationship but they said that
it’s completely at one point they had
said they had talked before but i doubt
someone that high up would risk that
okay wait till you hear the lyrics okay
there are drake lyrics there’s a lyrics
talking about was like february 22nd
is the day blah blah blah it’s her
birthday when she turns 18. then he was
talking about um like like tiger i’m
hitting 17.
she’s 17 years old like dude there’s all
these little [ __ ] hints and
everyone’s like well michael jackson
didn’t do it so he’s probably not i’m
like come on
i don’t know it’s just i mean yeah it
definitely is weird but i’m saying he
called out her birthday in his position
i’m saying he wouldn’t have done any
he’s too famous he wouldn’t i mean
everyone wants the [ __ ] you know
everyone wants what they can’t have
i mean yeah but i don’t think that’s
what i mean he’s waiting till she’s 18
which is not still he’s has a [ __ ]
[ __ ] he’s a kid with a [ __ ] already i
don’t think they’re together i’m gonna
guess they’re not
i’m gonna say they are have you seen her
cake i mean i’m gonna isn’t she a porn
star she was oh that makes it better
well i’m saying pusha t said in a song
so
um would you ever like data like
would you ever date a porn star like
she’s actively okay listen here’s the
thing i don’t think i could
i don’t think i could like not because
it’s a job
because it’s like i don’t want to know
that like my wife’s getting porked at
work today i don’t have to know you can
just type her name like obviously there
are people that that can be a thing and
it’s hey if it’s cool if you’re fine
with it i’m saying i don’t think it’s
something that i could i feel like
sexually it’d be the worst relationship
because she just got porked all exactly
and then what would you two really share
and then you’re like are we in the
movies i was like she’s not in the mood
issues yeah or like oh am i in the mood
because she just uploaded a new video we
were getting [ __ ] down now i’m not
wanting it anymore what the [ __ ] like
even if it was something that like you
guys came to agreement okay like it just
leaves such a spot for the relationship
it’s like
where’s our time
it wouldn’t mean as much if you’re
already [ __ ] everybody
well your time you’d have a lot of time
together because really i mean they’re
maximum like 40 minutes not to mention
like one day
all it takes for
one male person i know to be like oh
let’s scroll through [ __ ] porn today
and get one off and they see my [ __ ]
wife i mean like a
very popular one because there was that
dude that was dating lana
i’m just saying i don’t think i don’t i
don’t i don’t know it’s like
i mean yeah there’s just so many things
that i would not be able to know how to
i’m not prepared to i’m not yeah i’m
just not prepared i don’t have the
necessary life skills to handle like
some people some people would see it as
yeah my girlfriend’s hot and everyone’s
spaking it to her but i get to do it for
real it’s like they’re still [ __ ] her
so
it’s like og mud bone with a [ __ ]
army cap on with a yeah
it’s [ __ ] it’s just
a weird thing i don’t think not that it
couldn’t work it’s just like i wouldn’t
want to be i wouldn’t even want to put
myself in that position
never yeah but i mean what if it’s like
no [ __ ]
what i want what i want to know is is
that does she have a good personality
you know what i want to know is is that
so like okay you can come to terms that
that’s not cheating it’s a job does that
mean the guy gets to go [ __ ] people that
what there’s so many unhealthy things
that could happen in that scenario i
just feel like it’s like let’s just say
he cheats on her and she’s like and
you’d be like
look at you yeah you know what it is but
she’s getting paid it doesn’t matter
okay well i’ll [ __ ] make up some
[ __ ] fake choices it’s like i’m gonna
look at this video and i’m gonna thank
you you’re a really good actress it’s
just it’s just yeah no no yeah don’t say
you would either no i i would not
i’ve never been in that position nor
will i probably but i’m just saying i
mean atlt you know up to the moon in
fact yeah
yeah do you know that like on the moon
like uh you can live [ __ ] longer
because the ground yeah it doesn’t pull
down on you so much pull down on your
heart yeah in fact would you go like say
they say like we need a colony to go to
the moon right now yeah i’m going and
you can take one person with you you’re
taken i know it’s not me because you
can’t [ __ ] me
so
i mean if we got lonely i don’t know
well the thing is i can’t just take you
anyways because then you leave aaron so
if i could take three then we’re good i
guess i would just jack off in the
corner every night
[Laughter]
i already third wheel every day today
why the [ __ ] what changes in space
remember at like camp
there’d always be that one guy who’d go
into the corner and jack off no i don’t
i don’t know
like bradley yeah you know who i’m
talking about okay
i don’t know who the [ __ ] you hung out
with but they would people would go
people would go in the bathroom we saw
this weekend who i’m not gonna say his
name obviously i thought i was hoping
you remember this story but like they’d
always be like guys don’t look they just
go in the corner like we’re like [ __ ]
13. i’m just saying i think people would
just go in the [ __ ] bathroom but um
anyways yeah lake bradley was a lot of
fun it’s interesting how like guys can’t
go like a [ __ ] weekend at camp
with a [ __ ] spank in there i usually
i i always i always would because i’m
like dude when i get home shit’s gonna
oh it’s just gonna bang dude i mean
ropes it hit the ceiling jesus correct
dude
you’ve got to admit though if like say
you know you take a little sabbatical
yeah and you get back into that and it’s
like and then you know
everything because we go on vacation i
was like 13 or 14.
you know i’d [ __ ] i’d get home like
from a long vacation and have them once
and i’m like your paws are just
i
i go in the bathroom welcome back
i’m like welcome back baby
don’t call it a comeback
you know
did you ever like
fap on your own head
i never did but i knew a guy who told me
a story that he did like in middle
school obviously we were pervs so middle
school we all share our stories and he
who shall remain nameless i was like
dude what’s happening it just like went
into my hair dude
jesus you you shot a load of your head
couldn’t get it out she’s using this gel
ew bro [ __ ] yeah that’s awful no like
have you ever like a grimy episode
i mean you ever like you know
it’s been like wow that’s a lot
where did that come from yeah it’s like
wow that was just cooking in there
i don’t know cooking up a [ __ ] stew
man
this is so bad they were working
overtime tonight it’s like it reminds me
of the b movie role in the factory with
the old all the honey and there’s like
they’re all transported [ __ ]
i don’t know sometimes
[Laughter]
so this tissue ain’t gonna hold it
even if it’s mounting the quicker picker
up where it’s not gonna do it oh
if you could go one cheater two sheeter
if you could go through a thing of
bounty you deserve if you build it they
will come
no
borax no pun intended watch the ants
but yeah uh
[ __ ] wild times
you ever uh
what do you think is like the weirdest
place you ever have
i have never in any weird places
honestly
because i’m not a weirdo yeah like any
time i’m in a position i’m like i can
wait till i get home i don’t get when
it’s just like yes there’s a public
masturbator in a subject like obviously
it’s it’s more of a young like when
you’re young when you just discover it
oh just never you always [ __ ] want to
like and that’s probably the time people
do weird places but
but i feel like but at the same time
grown men do it on [ __ ] subways yeah
i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know
maybe it’s like i don’t know what gives
with that [ __ ] but you know because
they’re grown men they can’t get in
trouble anymore i think they just don’t
give
you just don’t give a [ __ ] anymore most
people like to get spanked by spatulas
and [ __ ] like that’s not the same thing
i’m saying it’s weird [ __ ] yeah it’s
[ __ ] weird um i don’t know
uh have you ever gotten
caught by your parents having sexual
intercourse
um in the act no
really no
okay okay not maybe not in the middle of
the act but like still caught as in like
they walked in you’re in bed with a girl
and oh
that’s happened to me
no i didn’t bring anyone home i always
did it at other places yeah smart
probably
or not
or not but so what was yours you said
you got like during or like after it was
it was after it wasn’t during it was
just because like
it was probably when it was right before
we first moved to eugene maybe i don’t
know it was like 2015.
yeah we moved in 2016. something like
that uh because i had like the bonus
room outside ah the bonus for the bonus
remember bonus yeah yeah jeremiah um
and so like i was like don’t have an
english accent now because he’s lived in
england for is that okay if that’s dude
i’m saying is that
stupid is it true if you were to move
to and you have to grow up with it i
feel like you could pick it up though
like because if you would
if you hear it every day you know what i
mean
okay imagine if i studied abroad for a
year came back no guys
you hear me so much
it’s just stupid beautiful oh crikey i’m
getting cracked out here bro
no but you know what i mean bloody hell
yeah you’re out of cheeses you know what
that sounds like when i like that what
we just did the [ __ ] dyson ball guy
it’s a dyson vacuum
the ball rose it’s engineered how do you
figure out i’m going to get into vacuums
yeah 320 cc’s of suction
whatever purpose just like
how do you
how do you figure out you want to do
that i have a [ __ ]
i’m guessing you want to be like an
engineer and you end up just doing that
like i wonder if that guy obviously he’s
rich so good for him i’m saying what if
at any point he just is looking at him
he’s like yeah i’m a [ __ ] vacuum dude
can we do a sexual voice over one of
those commercials
and the handle pops off right here and
it’s in the girth it’s just long enough
so you can insert your wanker
and if you need some good suction the
new
the new dust mite buster might do you do
but it’s getting but the connection
trouble with pet hair detachment the
commercials though were so
like oddly satisfying to watch it would
just be like a light motor and then you
and then here with the 360 turn brady’s
and it’s so oddly perfectly turning the
ball like the new york times my mom had
one my mom had one it was the coolest
[ __ ] thing yeah okay what it’s a
jason it’s a model 2t
what was the new dyson i don’t know
what’s your newest product hey dude the
new dyson drop
it’s like those people who [ __ ] buy
all the shoes when they first come out
it’s like i bought this dyson for four
bucks
with some mom for 1200 yeah i put this i
put this louis v uh dyson ball on uh on
offroad for two grand slap a supreme
sticker on the ball
every three steps i see the sticker
no i meant the new r2 in the noom star
wars movies i know we were talking about
yeah it has the it’s like that basically
[ __ ]
do you think that’s where they got the
idea probably it’s like wow like this
like the [ __ ] producer’s high as [ __ ]
because he’s a dice commercial dude r10
that’s it right
and got the idea from no because dicing
it came out way before that i mean maybe
the initial sketches but i’m just saying
it’s just funny like those commercials
it’s just funny how that guy like what’s
the other satisfying commercial the
[ __ ] uh like to make a chair look
badass remember those secret lab
commercials
it’s like yeah okay those were dope if
you took away the music it was like a 4d
armrest it goes left right but it was a
really oddly it was a visually
satisfying yeah i wonder what the dyson
guy is doing nowadays i mean i’m going
to check in yeah check in with him yeah
the uh
i mean that’s something i mean
middle-aged moms get wet about which
what is cool guess is net worth what are
you gonna guess it is the guy who
created dyson ball vacuums uh 800 mil
dyson
[Music]
ceo or whatever the [ __ ] owner
ah
he’s probably bloated honestly
i mean those vacuums are spendy 20
billion on vacuums i mean but this is
just sarcasm okay i call i did call it
though he was obviously it wasn’t just
vacuum but he became
an inventor and an engineer in an
industrial design did you have you seen
the fan with no blades it’s just a
circle
no dyson has a fan with no blades it’s
like 800 bucks and it just blows i kind
of want that yeah it looks sick i mean
dude that’s how moms flex on each other
dude you walk in and they got a fan
pivoting that’s completely silent but
you can feel the air at work
yeah
yeah
what does james dyson doing nowadays as
well dude he’s probably in [ __ ]
meekness 74. pork in a [ __ ] 20 year
old hooker
probably what else do you do when you
have billions i don’t know
cook
he’s not vacuuming i’ll tell you that
james dyson once designed a new
ventilator in 10 days
it’s pretty impressive
no i mean if you’re going to invent the
dyson ball i mean a vacuum that’s silent
that doesn’t freak your dog out like
and picks up pet hair and has a step
attachment tool
dude okay listen i think someone should
come out with one that [ __ ] plays
music
well a smart vacuum yeah syncs with your
bluetooth no it has like a has like has
like a [ __ ] sick little speaker in
there and then like there’s airplay to
it yeah and you can blue and so like in
when it like when it reaches full you
get to pick what song it plays oh what
song would you play
i do la bamba
you could say like you can
well like when it turns on you can
choose a snippet of sound or whatever mr
worldwide when it turns on dude come on
be sick or the uh
um i probably have hulk hogan say
something
let me tell you brother the vacuum’s
full
doesn’t matter how many one two threes i
slapped down in the ring i just thanked
my mean jeans and lucky stars that i had
these 24-inch pythons you might want to
change the filter on your model t
what’s that what’s that whole coconut
dyson guy oh he’s oh it’s a
english or standing can i get a whoa
that’s not how
i kind of wish i had that but anyways we
were saying before apparently we have an
accent though to other people that’s
that’s true but my question remains if
you move to someone like someone the
same way that like if someone with an
accent moves over here for a long like
eventually they kind of start to lose it
a little bit because you’re around like
the same sounds who you hang out with
right that’s what mom always said
no i’m saying but like is it possible if
for a long enough period of time that
you would kind of pick up an accent i
mean i feel like i’m the wrong person to
ask here but we’re also stepping back
from the original story you got caught
with a woman tell me
oh my mom walked out and then
walked upstairs and i was sleeping and
then
she walked in there’s a few more details
come on come on i that’s she walked in
and saw did you say anything
so she walks in
and the thing was like i woken up as i
heard the foot the feet the footsteps
come to the stairs i’m like i’m already
[ __ ] like she’s passed out so like i’m
my bed’s right here at the doors right
here she opens it looks over i’m just
like
i look at her where where was the girl
on the other side of me
was she naked
yeah there was covers
could you see anything no she couldn’t
see it no um is your butt or anything
well i i don’t think so maybe i don’t
know do you look her in the eye just
slap it
no my mom like a little boot and now
honestly i’ve never been so scared of my
life mom just looked at me and i’m just
like and she’s like
and she didn’t know she didn’t say
anything i’m just like
i’m like i was like just go i’m like i’m
like we could talk about you yell at me
later i’m like don’t make this worse
than it already is please and she just
walked out and then the girl later on
left and she never she never knew my mom
came in and she’s like oh my god you
better hit the road
like you better hit the road and so i
walk in the house no i’m just waiting
over there oh yeah oh yeah yeah i
avoided staying inside the hope i’m like
at some point i’m gonna have to go
confront this you know so i just walk in
the house
walk of shame walking a little tall walk
of shame a little bit and my [ __ ] mom
is just
pissed off and my dad’s just making
breakfast he’s just like
he thought it was he thought it was
funny because he said he’s you know he’s
a mom was [ __ ] pissed then my mom’s
like yelling and screaming my dad’s just
like something he’s like
he’s like you dog
once she leaves because i was like i was
like i was like 19 i think once she
leaves you know he’s probably like all
right
yeah because like obviously it’s like
i mean i’m i’m not i’m older but my
parents were like
heavy down on that for a while yeah they
probably still aren’t but yeah exactly
that’s just how that’s how my mom is i
don’t think my dad really cares but my
mom was just yeah she was [ __ ] pissed
it was really awkward but you know yeah
i mean so like say you have a son and
like say he’s younger he’s like 15 16.
yeah that’s the part that’s a hard thing
because i don’t know
i know what the [ __ ] goes on and it’s so
crazy because as you get when you get
older you think
your parents don’t know and i the mom
might not to a full extent because the
mom doesn’t want to know mom doesn’t
want to know but i’m saying the dad’s
like all the time so i thought i was
being sneaky my mom maybe never knew i’m
pretty sure my dad knew he was like i
got 35 minutes
at this point was just like i don’t
[ __ ] care anymore
yeah he’s like i’ve had four kids do
that three kids i throw the kids like
i’m not gonna just spy on another one
i don’t think i’ve had the energy to
care like i would say like but i will
say this i i i will
be more understanding as in like hey
listen cause i
if it’s gonna happen it’s gonna wrap it
up wrap it up and like don’t [ __ ]
meet some [ __ ] that you don’t know in
an hour away and [ __ ] go you know
sneak over there at three and two in the
morning yeah you know what i mean
because we care about your safety well i
get the same thing with parting like
when they’re super like the kids are
gonna do it at some point anyways that’s
why jacob’s parents did the best it’s
like hey like we know you’re gonna drink
just [ __ ] do it here so we know where
you are how he doesn’t have like 80 kids
is beyond me yeah it’s beyond me but
good for him man yeah
yeah every guy thinks they’re pull out
games in the best until it’s not
put that on a tattoo i mean we’ve all
been so lucky this far so i mean but as
far as we know as far as we
know but yeah
no that’s a good story no i’ve never
been i’ve never been kind of like that
like i think
the worst thing i’ve been caught like
have you ever gotten an argument
or some type of
an argument or an awkward interchange
exchange interchange exchange with like
the girl’s parents whether it was like a
girlfriend at the time a fling or
whatever it was yeah is there any i’ve
i’ve never known i’ve actually never
asked this question so i’m actually kind
of curious have you ever got in like an
argument or a weird awkward exchange
with a girl’s first yeah it was half i
actually i usually slay with parents
dude no me too i usually don’t have a
problem with parents like i actually
don’t even like people like oh maybe i’m
like i don’t know i mean i’ve never been
nervous because you know like a few
quick one-liners and i know the bar is
pretty low i’m like okay uh i’m good
with those yeah it’s like i can i can
easily do this
yeah you just look around if the guy’s
got [ __ ] deer heads all over the
place i think he likes hunting i know
what to talk about like come on yeah but
um no your salesman you know what other
people want to hear the scumbag
[ __ ] piece of [ __ ]
uh yeah i actually walked out
it was the first time hanging out with
the girl
and how long ago was this like high
school that was actually like 19 rav
high school maybe um
it was before aaron but it was so you’re
like 20
19 19 yeah 19 or 18 19 i was 18 oh yeah
yeah okay but you was it when you first
moved here
was it before you moved up here
i don’t know
but um the uh yeah it was like yeah it
was like 18 19 something like that and
no i uh
i
met up with her and we had a good time
you know just [ __ ] chill and she’s
like oh we’ll come back to my house and
i’m like i mean parents whatever [ __ ]
yeah i do this in my sleep
i know how to look impressive
i do though i mean i can’t around too
long i’ll see the true colors but yeah
i can’t hang around too long also
if you want in perfect it came to the
right place
they’ll be underwhelmed as fast as they
were
no but uh yeah and basically you do know
how to make yourself come off as an
educated guy even though you’re not yeah
no i i know how to act smart you know
you just got to play you just got to
play play the part you know yeah yeah i
can put those shoes on walk in with like
scrubs okay it’s a little much
i have a mask on before sorry i was i
just got out of surgery
all right dial it back dial back a
little bit ten percent baby
still got the rubber gloves in my back
pocket they’re dangling around there’s
like blood on them you come with a
briefcase all that case was nuts
oh man just save this guy from prison
sorry about that james
if you spence
need a lawyer i’m your guy
i’m a lawyer
i’m a lawyer yeah 200k a year give or
take a few yeah
james spence lawyer i mean attorney
attorney i’m a real estate mogul what no
i’m a real estate agent yeah yeah
i have a few sales you know i’m still up
and coming i’m still paying my dudes you
know
anyway sorry
no uh and the mom it wasn’t the dad it
was the mom was did you do something
wrong no oh okay
she didn’t believe my age
why don’t you give her your id she asked
for it i’m not even kidding i wouldn’t i
was like what the [ __ ]
i mean if you could have showed it to
her to be like uh you’re a little you’re
being crazy here no now that i think
about it i think i might have shown it
to her and she thought it was fake
maybe
okay the whole point is i’m meeting
parents and you’re gonna the first off
the rip is question my age and she says
something about like she’s like an 18
year old doesn’t have a scraggly beard
like that she said scraggly and i was
like what dude some of my kids like my
friends like sophomore year had a
[ __ ] beard dude anyways no the point
is she was just nuts and i literally was
just like this whole awkward things
going on then she just starts vacuuming
shout out dyson ball starts vacuuming
[ __ ] and then i just
hug the girl say goodbye to the parents
left and i’ve never talked to the girl
again what the [ __ ] completely go sitter
yep that’s what that’s great it was the
most awkward uncomfortable thing and i
was like i just don’t want to even deal
with this like yeah yeah i was like this
is [ __ ] stupid
well you should you should have told her
to make you laugh and then when you
laughed you were like okay you’re that
age
yeah just like that exactly and it was
good because then i met the love of my
life my honey boo that’s so like green
peen
i i i i don’t know like i just could
imagine being a parent just being like
i just want to know then she’s obviously
brought home like a 35 year old dude
then because it’s obviously been a
problem
obviously i mean if you’re
she’s like a bouncer she’s card me on
the way in yeah
it’s like it’s a vertical id like get
the [ __ ] off me she’s like are you
closing out are you leaving it open
it’s like
it’s like whatever happened in the past
this has nothing to do with me so how
would you dial it back in the house yeah
yep it’s like i’m getting some uh some
unnecessary you’re stereotyping right
now so yeah
no
like on their kitchen that’s like my
[ __ ] face like a bar i’m not allowed
back
so that was probably the most awkward
day yeah i’ve never had bad thing with
parents like i’ve met parents before and
it’s been that’s probably the most
awkward
yeah it’s horrible yeah that’s [ __ ]
awkward what about you
i don’t have one like that mm-hmm
no not that i could think of never had a
dad just like size you up a little bit
oh yeah 100 yeah yeah a couple times but
i understood yeah
i didn’t i didn’t break eye contact
though because i’m a [ __ ] i’m a g i
love it when it’s like a dad trying to
size you up but they’re like five six
and like
overweight and it’s just like
he’s like
it’s like i’m gonna run 90 feet and
you’re going to be out of breath so
let’s just see it’s like it’s like hey
pops i didn’t even do anything yet so
you know it’s like you might make it to
first but the same at the same time now
that i’m older i get it yeah
i get it but it’s like come on like i’m
gonna probably threaten if i ever have a
daughter just brings a guy home i’m
probably gonna threaten him yeah
passively i would like my for those
obviously for those out there don’t know
my boss can be a little you know um
a little over eager sometimes
[Laughter]
um
[Music]
you can be a stick in the mud sometimes
love them but anyways he has a daughter
i want to be a fly on the wall when she
brings that guy oh just because of like
just how he is
yeah just like hmm
he just sounds so where do you see
yourself in fact no he says he he sits
down and stares him for 30 seconds i
have you figured out
i know what you’re about he’s like a
[ __ ]
a detective or something’s like i saw
the shadow of your old wedding ring
you’re not wearing he like pulls out the
[ __ ] hat from harry potter gryffindor
slytherin
are
i always just thought the hat would just
like suck someone in just eat them
that’s not how that worked it just said
what side you were yeah but why that
you haven’t even seen them i’ve seen
them i’ve seen you have first two in the
last two
[ __ ]
harry potter
the boy who lived
come to die oh my god
i was thinking you say hello
which is kind of a weak version of just
changing
what does abracadabra mean it’s like a
magic trick abracadabra but it’s gonna
mean the pencil’s gone yeah basically
is this your card
you should have done that to one of the
like in high school like me in the dance
he’s like
he’s like hey i’m john is this your card
i’m just shuffling him pick a card any
card he’s like
okay
he’s got some tricks up his sleeve look
at it and show them don’t don’t let me
see though don’t let me see don’t let me
see
is this your daughter’s virginity
[Laughter]
oh wait that was someone else’s i don’t
know okay i don’t know how to get in the
deck
i’m seeing prom night 2013
god prom was always the risk because all
the parents were there you have to take
pictures and that was like the first
time you’d meet him or something
and prom wasn’t like that for me i
remember my mind but cascade had like a
banquet it wasn’t even a prom yeah my
dad always made me call the girl’s dad
and ask for permission
like i’m not trying to marry this [ __ ]
i just need a girl to go with me so i’m
like a loser i remember my dad told
dupe that afterwards and that’s exactly
what he said duper’s on my side i was
like 13 or something because i asked
sarah 13. i asked sarah baska to banquet
and my dad’s a gift to call her dad so
then obviously it was like hey sarah can
i have your dad’s number and she’s like
why i’m like i just need to talk to him
i i i bought you a ring so i have to ask
you
[ __ ] stupid that’s so
no why didn’t he just call like at that
at that age
you know what i mean it’s like why
didn’t he just if he really needed to
that bad it’s like obviously his
daughter’s gonna go home
she’s 13. like you know what i mean like
obviously okay like there’s there’s
little kids yeah like what the [ __ ] in
high school no one even did that yeah
it’s like the girl will go home yeah i’m
going this guy to the dance okay we’ll
have fun yeah
yeah i don’t know you know
that was old school which i appreciate
it yeah yeah
that’s great
i’m trying to think of my sister ever
went
i think she just went with a group of
friends
oh we all just went together
[Laughter]
yeah yeah but yeah good old days man
good old days yeah i remember we got a
limo and christian cameras though like
took off his shirt was like
like it was at that age where you’re
like 13 so you guys are just sitting
here yeah and then christian’s like
and then when he gets out he’s gonna
like put his shirt back on it’s also
like what are we like what do you
possibly what are these 13 year olds
exactly well we had so much mountain dew
yeah it’s like pass around the phantom
dude last night was a movie dude let’s
mix the sodas
like the sugar crash is gonna be so bad
later dude i’m gonna have a [ __ ]
sugarcane hangover that’s why i don’t
get like what’s the point of a party bus
for me that age like they all just like
so then and then they’re like this one
girl has the because it was like ox back
then and then it’s like okay we just
played party in the usa three times yeah
we just paid low by florida it was so
crazy yeah
oh my god but then there was the little
there was a little back booth you know
when that you’d go in like the back
boost booth oh melinda where you could
go like kiss oh look the confession box
the confession box yeah it kind of
reminds me of confession box i’ve seen
those have you ever been to one no i
have not confession box i feel like i
don’t trust the guy forgive me father i
have sinned
tell me your sins my son
it’s for what i’m about to do
that’s every movie before like
the thing is i understand it’s like it’s
just some random guy that did the same
shitty you did yeah i i don’t know i i
think it’s more honestly have more the
person feels they got it off their chest
imagine doing like a switcheroo how
about you confess to me
let’s say we interview you how much
money do you make a year before taxes
father
but you know what i mean i think it’s
more of like you could tell someone with
complete amnesty anything you know what
i mean that always happens in the movie
when the hero’s about to do something
bad you know
and he just has to make sure he does
that gran torino too yeah he’s like so
you’re gonna do it whether or not what
this guy said oh no no it always happens
you know it’s got the little screen and
so then the guy’s telling him not to do
it but then the screen pants he’s
already gone yeah yeah it just
disappears
the [ __ ] trench coat flaps it
[Music]
but yeah they do have that in a lot of
movies and shows
yeah like the old confession box like
this guy’s on the other side he’s just
like [ __ ]
jesus that’s what you get paid i mean
you’re basically just a therapist with a
wall no you’re a therapist we don’t have
to [ __ ] say anything really other
than the script they give you but
i mean if they say like i’m going to
murder someone they have to report that
right i don’t honestly think
like i think
i would love to go there and say the
most [ __ ] up [ __ ] and then leave yeah
that’d be fun so someone thinks you’re a
[ __ ] psycho that’d be sick they don’t
get to see what you look like i’m sure
they can when you [ __ ] walk out we’re
a veil
yeah if you have to not be seen in
public what’s your disguise what are you
wearing and don’t say sunglasses with a
baseball cap it’s slightly lowered
that’s every superhero
oh that’s not like
what’s the scenario here like am i
concealing my identity for fun or am i
doing because i’m like if i was a wanted
man yes you’re a wanted man and okay so
you go around the corner the cops are a
little bit behind you you have a outfit
waiting there and then you’re gonna walk
off with a with a crowd of people what
are you wearing
well if it’s something i mean chase
obviously it’s not gonna be some
elaborate disguise it’s gonna be i mean
you have like two minutes to put this
because if there’s a big groud of people
it’s probably easy to blend so you’re
obviously just changing your pants your
shirt and if you have a teeth like throw
a hoodie on with a hood and [ __ ] walk
or like maybe have like a little prop
like a little like you’re walking a bike
or something and [ __ ] play it off
that’s good a prop you’re thinking
walking a bike or something yeah yeah
props actors love props yeah they don’t
yeah without looking like you’re putting
your head down but you’re just like yeah
it’s all about the delivery if it was in
like seattle i’d have a seahawks jersey
and like
a like a [ __ ] like a goofy hat like a
cheesehead hat something that’s almost
like but that’s
no because it draws attention but it’s
like okay that’s not right it’s so much
that like it would still cause double
takes why is that guy wearing a block of
cheese as they’re running by one of
those glasses with the nose and the
mustache
not me
with the stick on mustache
looks like the [ __ ] pee off of veggie
tails you know what it’s like yeah yeah
yeah
the veggie tails are hard yeah they
hopped everywhere
dude you ever seen that there’s just
like this picture i saw on instagram
today of tarzan
and he’s like swinging from the vine
right and but in the end like the old
like they’re all swinging together but
like so he’s carrying
this i thought about this so he’s
carrying
the [ __ ] jane yeah with two hands
his feet are like kind of touching the
vine
is the vine like in between his ass
cheeks oh
maybe he likes the friction you know i’m
just saying it’s because then the
picture below had like a drawing and had
s over the vice like it’s like i have to
figure this out i’m like
whoa
you’re on a porno when the guy just like
slips it between the cheeks real quick
and then goes
maybe it’s one of those it has to be the
girls like that i don’t [ __ ] know
i’ve never
do you think i just hey by the way do
you like like the wiener sliding between
your cheeks and then not going out going
in after like do you like that
is is it cool like do you like do you do
you like is it turn did it turn you on
what the [ __ ]
i don’t know
i feel like if you’re doing that you’re
just already in
i mean you know they go like
like
like a [ __ ] slide
it’s like a hot dog
they’re trying to catch a wet hot dog
[Music]
i don’t [ __ ] know man you have to ask
someone for that i don’t know
i really don’t know it’s not something
i’ve really kept in my
not repertoire slippery that you have to
try to catch i don’t know i’m trying to
think of an example for soap
you know it’s always the initial the
initial
then it’s the recovery from this
or like a small fish
you can’t let it drop because you’re in
prison by yourself so you might drop
this and get [ __ ] in the air that’s
not what i was saying it’s just in
general i think i think a fish would
because it’s like it’s like
aerodynamic a little bit
and you’re just like
like those [ __ ] savage catchers they
just like don’t they just like see the
side of the boat
it’s like dude you just have to knock it
out you don’t have to break its face
[Laughter]
it’s [ __ ] barbaric if you think about
it it’s like dude it’s the little fish
is not gonna subdue you and then jump
back in the lake
it’s like dude you could have just like
hit it once or like
it’s never exploded that’s true
that’s true i’ve never seen one like
every single silly putty there’s like
[Laughter]
it’s like the mona lisa it follows you
everywhere
how did we get here
[Laughter]
oh my [ __ ] god
oh
that’s what the [ __ ] is with the bird
face
yeah dude
oh i think that’s a good place to end
probably
i like how also it’s like
they like hold it if they had arms i’m
sure the person would handcuff him but
just like hold him it’s like he’s not
going he’s not gonna grab your arm and
flip you over the boat and then jump out
the other side
like what the [ __ ] do you think the fish
like it’s not a [ __ ] 3 000 pound
marlin like what do you think’s gonna
happen
when it’s like a marlin do you think
they have they just have like a huge
sledgehammer they’re like
one of those ones the carnival with the
[ __ ] what is the purpose of that [ __ ]
game just showing bigger dickens like
just hey swing this hammer hit the bell
then you might get this [ __ ] eight
dollar giraffe
step right up you look like a strong man
do you want to play this rigged game
i have epilepsy
[Laughter]
oh
[ __ ] oh [ __ ] i have bursitis say play
the bell it helps
anyways
wow that was good that was good um but
yeah i think that’s gonna do it
today that’s gonna yeah uh jack where
are they where can they find you can
find me at jack underscore spend z where
they work yeah underscore lesney um and
they can find us both on the round
launch table instagram page you wanna
patreon yeah hey shout out the patrons
appreciate it uh check out
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just go to our website
aroundthelaunchtable.com or you can just
google around the lunch table and we’re
the first 15 posts i can
um so you have to scroll like another
page page oh there we are no we are the
first we’re on the first page if you
type in around the launch table shout
out there we are behind the jerry
springer show yeah um
so uh yeah check out the patreon it’s
got a exclusive content exclusive
episodes we got we’re gonna try to do an
exclusive episode every month we did
september it was the hot ones we got
october coming up tomorrow
um not the website plus you get the
episode of the week early so yeah and
then you get every episode a week early
exclusive content asks access to the
discord access to live q and a’s all the
other [ __ ] [ __ ] hell yeah yeah so
uh that’s gonna do it for this week
we’ll see you guys later
and uh yeah that’s all i really got and
stick around for the new season of merch
coming out it’s kind of been enough
great jake todd is on it he did our last
merch and we actually talked about it
today so yeah so the other one’s coming
be prepared it’s hoodie beanie season
sweats joggers blankets whole nine yards
mugs everything so anyway stick around
for that
thank you guys for listening and by the
way we are well on our way to 5 000
downloads sir so yeah let’s [ __ ] go
thank you guys so much we love you and
peace and love and always
