J & Z talk about alot of stuff, celebrity sex tapes, space farts, and que*fs.
welcome back to chef boyardee special
ah
[Music]
what’s going on slapdicks welcome back
to around the lunch table episode
41
41. 41. oh it’s a lot of episodes first
and foremost want to give a shout out a
little plug to the patreon check it out
at
patreon.com for
exclusive subscriber only episodes and
early access to all weekly episodes god
don’t you love that aren’t we nice [ __ ]
for just five bucks a month what is that
a coffee
[ __ ] actually no
if you get like a large coffee starbucks
more than that really
really
yeah so we got we got some [ __ ] rolling
out fall collection everything uh
elephant in the room uh we’re wearing
chef hats uh z you look good in yours
you look good thank you i don’t think
this is a hat you wear to look good but
what is did you know that the creases
there’s a hundred creases for a hundred
different ways to make an egg
[ __ ] i don’t know if there’s a
hundred but i read that there’s no way
there’s a hundred creases
maybe these aren’t real authentic chef
hats maybe their ethnic ones are bigger
you know the ones that like droop off
the side like a green beret i like those
ones there aren’t those like the special
ops you can’t look you end up in the
[ __ ] ukraine in like the ukraine
they’re called like the green barrettes
they’re still berets berets barrettes
are the things that like little girls
wear in their hair you know a little
you know when they like peel the hair
back and it goes in a little it’s a
barrette
or a beretta which is awesome
it’s also a gun vendetta
yeah uh we got chef hats uh z like if
you
like say okay so celeb crush coming over
bam she’s at the house she’s coming over
that night okay
like woman of your dreams what are you
making but you have to make dinner you
can’t okay the thing is i also don’t
know what she likes
exactly
i would know what she likes if she’s
coming over for dinner no i’m saying
it’s celebrity she just hit you on
instagram said hey i love the podcast i
want to come over cook me something and
i’ll be there you have no idea
after i screamed and ran around the
house guess what i would message back i
would say okay well what do you like to
eat
that’s not the point of the question
what what do you think is going to be
lights out that anyone would like and
it’s for the special occasion okay first
thing i would go with is some type of
steak or something but chick maybe a
chicken parm or something but i’m saying
that’s chicken parmesan i don’t maybe
she’s a vegetarian
at that point i’m going the mrs
doubtfire out and ordering expensive
food and then saying i made it she has
posted pictures in the past have heard
with like caribbean street food in the
back of a taxi so you know that she eats
meat
i thought that wasn’t part of the
question
i’m saying you’re you’re trying to get
out of the car i’m saying so you’re
gonna make a steak actually no okay no
no no no no no no no no chicken
fettucine that’s that’s always a good
out that’s a cup that’s comfort food
right there fried chicken fettuccine
you’re making the noodles by scratch
no the noodle no you’re gonna use a
pasta roni thing this girl’s like a
multi-millionaire celebrity i mean i’m
gonna go buy a pack of pasta just the
noodles and then
she wants handmade man then i’ll do it
you’re going to wear the hat yes
he’ll she’ll come in and she’ll come in
and i’ll be like oh this is my shoe
craig
i have like a full kitchen guys guys
come on i once killed a man with this
thumb
oh his most trusted man which was what
anyone can cook
anyone including brown people like me
and rats in vets and mouse and mice’s
i’m sensing a little nudiness um yeah
could be the tang it could be the sweet
um yeah dude what are you cooking um
[ __ ] pizza rolls yeah the thing is
it’s kind of like a negative compliment
you know
when
you know negging is a thing now you know
like being mean
to a girl is considered flirting which i
don’t like but it’s like no no no no no
no no let me go let me explain i’m
saying it is in its own context it’s
like i don’t know there’s normally like
greasy hair but on you it works you know
throws her off her game a little bit um
i’m going to do that with the food like
the ambiance is going to be great but
it’s going to be like you know some
pizza rolls so be like hey i like you to
do the ambiance but
well at this point you also know as a
celebrity she’s eaten the best food
around every amazing restaurant so it’s
like okay at this point this is this is
more of a comfort food thing it’s like
oh this is like a good snack this is a
good this is good oh snacks okay so it’s
like a box of cheez-its no i’m saying
you when you make something keep that in
mind it’s like no i know what i’m doing
i know what i’m doing charcuterie board
100
but a nice one i’m talking about
you just tell me what are you baiting
what are you cooking that’s not cooking
for food snacks i meant like in that
thought process it’s like you’re going
over there this is a five-star meal
keep the [ __ ] up i think i could cook a
five-star meal 100
you couldn’t cook anything i got second
place in the northwest bus sales chili
cook-off and i lost to a guy whose wife
made it for him i would hope so
you’d hope i lost no you would hope that
someone who cooks would beat you like
cook so yeah but i’m saying he got the
reward but he admitted his wife made it
that’s called cheating disqualification
what’s the biggest thing i’ve ever
cheated on
besides a partner
i have not i’m kidding i know well no i
haven’t yeah um
the biggest thing i
i mean like other than like a test or
something yeah
i remember a friend of ours
got caught looking at the uh at his
phone
i have a good one for you i have a good
one for brandon what did he do because
brandon was mrs ray’s aide and he like
went in and changed the numbers on some
of his grades that he got whatever and
then she noticed he’s like oh yeah i
don’t know i don’t know
and then later on he went a minute
but then
actually real move real og move miss
race part because it was something that
probably could have
prevented him from graduating and
she didn’t
she didn’t snitch
real move yeah i heard like uh
do you know what we’ve talked about shut
up brandon you should just kept your
mouth shut
yeah i’ve learned that he changed the
numbers on her computer
oh gee render they do attendance and
like it’s all right there so he’s like
which teachers come on you’ll be a
little smarter than that
i don’t understand computers well the
thing is she has that thing it’s all
written there and then when she looks
like oh i’m like dude why don’t you
change the numbers on a bunch of
people’s grades so then it couldn’t you
know i mean yeah i remember i uh
um i stole so i used to steal tests okay
so say that like i knew i was gonna fail
yeah i remember that yeah i’d go into
the room when the teacher was in there
grab the test and then flush them down
the toilet and then the teacher thought
that she just misplaced the test so i
feel like the sixth time obviously she’s
like okay i’m not just losing it because
she gave everyone 100 like three times
she’s like i don’t know what happened to
him and then she caught us i lied i was
g
i lied and said no i didn’t take
anything i don’t know that’s being a g
but i’m saying i didn’t snitch my boy
snitched on me
he admitted would you look at me
dude i’ve i’ve been snitched on so many
times in my life and you know what i
hold ten toes down then my parents had
to come down and say that
and i didn’t snitch until they told me
that hey your boy already and then they
brought him in the room and then he was
like jack just tell the truth man dude
okay so this guy just caught this guy’s
go to school with like once upon a time
commented on um the snap story of us in
the snap and the chef hats he said chef
boyar z oh
that’s hard dude that could be your new
twitter name
chef boyar z dude
hey
[ __ ]
um la mao
lmao
um
you uh
like so i was reading this uh this
article
and
so you know how apparently when you uh
when you release a uh you know your
natural gases outside of the outside of
the anus when you weave
yes when you and i queef
can dudes queef or is that only [ __ ]
things
i mean
a queef is a [ __ ] fart
i’m guessing
a queef is a [ __ ] party no isn’t it as
p word no so it is
so it’s sort of like ben shapiro though
so queef is a [ __ ] tweef is a [ __ ]
fart so like i’m saying like like queef
actually isn’t just like a farting noise
it’s actually a [ __ ] doing it
yeah i i believe a queef is like you
know when you’re just you know it’s the
air
but what i don’t get is that like
i mean you’re going in and out like
there’s no way like i’m saying how does
it stay in there like like a balloon
think about air does get in there though
so when you pull like it’s like you know
those jars of like it was like the noise
putty when you put your fingers in it
goes it goes it goes
it’s it’s the air it’s the air that goes
in there and then it’s like a super
soaker of air you know no but
it’s like yeah yeah um are you a fan of
queefs
i mean
i mean some people are into that i i’m
not into it i’m not into it or not it’s
just like oh that was a quick okay queef
we’re adults now yeah i mean it’s funny
as [ __ ] though i’ll tell you that yeah
sometimes i have a hard time not
laughing because it’s like
like have you ever ever has have you
ever been that scenario it’s happened
and like in your head yeah i wish one of
my buddies was in here
i wish one of my buddies and i could
laugh about this right now turn on the
voicemails can you do that one more
thing
[Laughter]
girls get embarrassed by i don’t know
why i mean it’s just like you can’t have
you ever used your voice memos in a very
investigative way yes i definitely have
i have yeah uh or like at work or like a
conversation like you know just in case
for insurance if something goes yeah
goes wrong wrong yes i i have i’m not
going to go into too much detail but um
oh you do oh i do yeah you really did
yeah i had to cover my ass yeah i did
nothing wrong man even though you didn’t
end up needing it but i mean a good
defense is a good offense
yeah yeah yeah one thing scouts could
always be prepared uh
no the cool thing i know that worked
before do you put like in my pocket my
colored shirt
and then just i have done it when like
uh in like a
yeah one of those situations yeah yeah
what was i gonna ask yeah okay so
anyways about uh back from [ __ ] farts
is that where we left off
hey where hey guys where we leave off
[ __ ] farts
thank you
um [ __ ] farts um so i was reading this
thing
apparently so apparently when you fart
fart not a [ __ ] fart i don’t i haven’t
done the research on on the on the
interworkings of the queef yet um it is
a title i plan on pitching to mtv um
the uh
when you fart there’s a lot of [ __ ]
there’s like several different coming
out this fall after teen mom
um
there is uh
you know there there’s a lot of things
that come out but in space so apparently
like a fart’s like a like a [ __ ]
biohazard because it’s flammable so if
you gotta you know
let one out you have to go to the toilet
basically just let it suck it out of you
god you would be on that all the time
you you won’t be collecting any data
some people like to suck farts out
though erin has a friend
that uh she’s a stripper
um and she says she gets asked a lot of
times that dudes want to suck a [ __ ]
okay out of them but i feel like that’s
more of like a joke no no no he wants to
do that she she’s she’s done it
i mean you give a girl enough money i
mean
why would you want to let alone pay
someone to do that i’m not saying me
i know i’m just saying it’s i mean i
probably just say that as like a joke i
feel like you don’t suck it out i mean i
feel like they just let her out and then
you go i feel like just take a big rip i
feel like it’s like a bottle rocket you
light it off waiting for it to blow up
in your face basically no i’m disgusting
how do you find out you’re into that i
don’t think you do i think you just i
don’t even know i don’t even want to
talk about you just like you [ __ ]
poop and then like slip on the floor and
be like
okay let’s do this and it was kind of
like had some stuff in there because it
was like oh i almost hurt myself
wait what like you just said when
they’re suck like if they were to do
that like imagine the girls like almost
like she tries to force it out and then
a little [ __ ] droplet comes out
you know when you’re trying to poop and
the whole log doesn’t come out but a few
little stragglers coming but at the same
time it’s like if you’re doing that it’s
like
the play with satan you expect to get
burned yeah the infantry comes out first
before the
for the calvary
ingest the pawns always go first the
x-men last stand when he sends them out
they’ll all get shot he’s like in chess
the pawns go first
did you ever see that south park called
operation human shield no
this is [ __ ] up but it was like
operation human shield and so they have
all the black guys in the front and then
all the white guys in the back
and the black guys all get shot down
it’s like operation human shield will
receive heavy losses and it’s all the
black guys dying it’s [ __ ] it is
[ __ ] yeah i mean you didn’t write it
so yeah you know couldn’t write anything
like that [ __ ] um is that a show you
ever got into no only one i’ve watched
was with you the michael jackson one
which was funny
that that one was funny as well
like you dance with me
[Laughter]
oh look wait a tree come on blinky come
ride the choo choo train
yeah i uh so say oh here’s a good
question so like my okay scenario
michael jackson is in your room he
climbs in through your window
but he just says he just wants to like
snuggle that’s the king of pop man
the thing is like i’m old enough now
like i could defend myself it’s fine so
it’s like come on no
you know i mean i it’s not like you know
so i mean first of all you’re doing it
for the cloud and i would now would then
tell them like yeah
that that we could do that but
i mean first of all you gotta show me
some dance moves first yeah and buy me a
dream like and i want and i and i want
to
i want to go i’d be like all right we
could do this but
we have to go to like a wedding together
and we have to like get a dance
a dance thing like to rock with you or
one of his songs and me and him me and
mj
perform an electric performance at a
wedding no one expects it i just text
him bro come out here i’m on the dance
floor bro so i’m gonna dance battle
someone he walks out everyone’s like
holy [ __ ] that’s [ __ ] back of jax
and we just [ __ ] when we moonwalk
together oh my god that would yeah yeah
so you like to be wooed before
but because of that yeah i would let him
yeah it’s a king of pop man yeah
you know i mean what like say say a
woman’s gonna woo you
what what what steps do they need to
take
the thing is it doesn’t matter because i
have to move her apparently so no i know
and the one out of a thousand chance a
girl actually makes the first move i
mean you know girls like summer is a
nice little
you know okay for the guys it’s like
though like the girl has to be wood for
them even to care so
i’m saying this girl wants to woo you
okay
okay
one of our listeners out there wants to
woo you
okay
now just jingle me the keys to your
heart
[Laughter]
by the way we’re wearing chef hats
because we might probably not do a
cooking episode and we bought these just
because so yeah [ __ ] you go ahead i
don’t know i haven’t really thought
about this to be honest you know i don’t
because there’s a few locks in there and
we just kind of uh we go out to eat and
i don’t pay for it
i’m just kidding um imagine if girls had
to try as hard to get in our pants as we
did i know
it’s about money the time
the but no if we’re talking seriously i
would probably i don’t know i think for
me it’s like little things it’s not like
you have to do this [ __ ] yeah i know
i want to know the little things just if
i can’t if i was to come home
open up your heart
if i was to come home and there was
first of all
i am such a slot for fettuccine if
there’s fettuccine made and she’s like
hey do you want to watch a movie i’m
like yeah chicken watch like lord of the
rings or something or oh i’m like okay
yeah yeah wife you up now yeah where’s
the ring
no but i think that like i’m a big
big fettuccine guy
that would be one if you’re talking like
okay will you in an emotional way i
don’t know i think it would be no
i don’t know i think i could woo you i
think i know you enough i think i could
move you easily oh god i mean i’m the
tough nut to crack but
but you haven’t cried yeah i have been
correct remember you ever cracked the
egg on the trampoline it’s like hey grow
into a little ball and we’re all gonna
[ __ ] yeah hopefully you don’t land on
your neck and break it
and then and then people are trying to
make you land on your [ __ ] neck
the uh did you know that those big ass
trampolines were
it literally said recommended like
one person at a time it’s like i
remember like the entire [ __ ] baptist
church sitting on that recommended it’s
just like
you know recommended laws it’s like it’s
like a yellow light it’s like the
[ __ ] recommended like the speed limit
it’s like 65-ish yeah
well aren’t white signs
like
aren’t white signs like yeah open to
interpretation but yellow are like you
have to
yellow can be cautioned too they’re
caution ones same thing like yellow ones
like caution curve here it’s like it’s
just warning you doesn’t say you have to
not go around this curve it’s just like
caution there’s a curve
dude do you remember remember the street
sign with the little squiggles
underneath it and it’s like saying that
you could skirt i always thought it was
like like water coming out of that like
a boat
and i was like there’s no boats oh like
with the car and there’s like squiggly
lines yeah i always thought it looked
like
i don’t even know it’s like the thing
the squealing’s like tentacles when i
was little [ __ ] octopus i’m like
there’s octopuses on this [ __ ] road
there’s octopi duck
oh that’s coming out right [ __ ] it’s
not called doc spider-man far away from
home or home alone too or no it’s it’s
it’s far away town hero hometown buffet
at least go to hometown all the [ __ ]
times dude one time okay now i don’t
know about now but i’m saying when i was
little
[ __ ] was so [ __ ] good bro like i
always go to the [ __ ]
the guys slicing the roast beef and [ __ ]
oh my god dude give me 85 [ __ ] slices
of that grab me a cinnamon roll get me
some mashed potatoes back back to the
table oh wait i need another plate go
back
fill that [ __ ] back up with some other
goodies
so good and you’re only paying like 10
bucks a person or something yeah if
you’re a senior citizen you’re there for
like six beans and then the kids it’s
like only like it’s
yeah we’re gonna worry about that or
whatever but i mean either way lord hope
hey would you uh either wait just tell
the kid after he’s done hey can go get
another [ __ ] plate hey so you’re uh
i’ve uh this is the z hour here your
birthday’s coming up right yeah but what
can a girl do will you you never
answered oh you didn’t ask me
obviously if you ask me something you
have to answer oh to to woo me i would
say
if it’s something [ __ ] [ __ ] i’m
just i’m not going to use the word
special needs now thank you
i’m not saying that i’m not i’m not
i’m just [ __ ] kidding no i mean i’m
not
pointing out the mentally disabled i’m
just saying you are actually [ __ ] if
you say something stupid um
i encouraging them i would say the key
to my heart would be a coors light a
flum and
that is so dumb
i’m saying if i came home to a phlegm
a coors light oh my god and uh and a
steak i’d
you know probably wipe it up right there
okay what about emotionally
emotionally like it’s like a look like
something you know you ever heard that
okay oh my also answer for mine would be
like
i give them [ __ ] but they give it back
to me um
or they can actually take [ __ ] yes and
then they can they dish it back to me
girls cannot for some reason that’s hot
i don’t know no it is because you can
have that back and forth and that is
that is very rare i like it i like that
yeah it’s very rare they get they get
offended uh very easily anyways what you
say um i would say like emotionally i
mean
have you ever heard the the saying like
a like a man’s mind is like a pancake
but the woman’s mind is like a waffle
the waffle is compartmentalized but no
no not a pancake spaghetti
the a woman’s mind is like
compartmentalized in like little squares
oh yeah but a man’s mind is just a
cluster [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah it’s just a
bunch of [ __ ] tanks yeah so i would say
like the key to my emotions if you
wanted to get a copy made um
hate when you give me that look uh
i mean
a nice beach goes a long way
um that’s true i
this isn’t gonna be my only one because
i can’t just copy you but that was a
great one being able to take [ __ ] and
give it back yeah
huge huge huge huge huge um
number two i would say is along the
lines of giving [ __ ] back is actually
being able to make me laugh
that’s it yeah that’s good i’m gonna be
honest there’s nothing against women
kind of hard to make me laugh
a lot of times you ever seen that
youtube video and uh there’s this
youtube video of this guy
he has like six videos of this like
series he does it says watching comedian
women comedians until i laugh and he’s
just sitting there
for like 20 [ __ ] minutes like [ __ ]
amy schumer not funny i hate amy i hate
her i hate her here’s the thing there
are i’ve met you know i’ve seen
funny women comedians i’ve met funny
women i’m just saying
a lot of them also they’re also like oh
god it’s like yeah another period joke
that no one gets besides the women
i get period jokes
i mean they’ll be like yeah my cramps on
a thursday after spaghetti night and all
the girls like
it’s like no one [ __ ] knows what
you’re talking about but yeah dudes do
the same thing though when we have jokes
that only we understand yeah but i feel
like most stand-up comics don’t talk
about [ __ ] and balls i did listen to
i did listen to a bill burke podcast
today holy [ __ ] that dude’s angry the
first like 30 minutes he was talking
about you know what i was in the airport
and i see this monstrous [ __ ] eating
three mcmuffins at the same time and
then this other guy scratches his back
on the pole that he’s holding the top
floor
it’s funny how he goes off on [ __ ] dude
he’s pissed man all the time and then he
said that uh he saw a commercial where
it was like no it was in the oprah
winfrey show she was like
she’s like the hardest job so they were
introducing a woman or whatever she’s
like this is her name is all she’s done
and she is the hardest job in the world
being a mother yeah then he and he goes
off he’s like how’s that the hardest job
in the world and bill’s like if it’s a
job you can do in your pajamas
[Laughter]
oh my god yeah he’s like what about the
guys in the coal mines who were like
every time there’s a [ __ ] earthquake
they’re wondering if they’re gonna reach
the other side yeah
i don’t get that what like
say like what oh that’s a good question
what’s your dream job like where where
do you see yourself in five years i hate
that question i hate that question
second five years
alpha male does not like to be
threatened then they won’t hire you or
maybe they’ll just you walk out of their
head keep that seat warm for me
you ever sat in a toilet it’s [ __ ]
warm
worst top five that’s
like that and like wet socks
that’s up there too try to put them or
like when you’re out of the shower oh my
god it feels like it feels like you’re
pulling it feels like you’re pulling a
[ __ ] f-150 with with the rope that’s
how [ __ ] to pull those things on your
leg it’s just like
you’re like using like you’re like
you’re pushing your leg and your foot
and then it finally gets i’m gonna start
underneath it
you grab the little piece you’re like
plucking it slowly in oh i hate that god
that [ __ ] annoys me and then it’s never
on right you’re like
i need to rotate it to the right it’s
like off like the heel part is on your
ankle and you’re like god [ __ ] or it’s
like in a nike elite sock where they’re
actually angled towards you oh i put the
wrong one on the left i i usually like
if i’m just around the house like i’ll
just wear like the ankle sucks or
something but even either way just when
your feet are wet that’s a [ __ ] show
dude or like even if not even like you
could dry them you you could sit there
with a towel and then you put them in
your house still not working yeah it’s
like any kind of moisture and those
socks are sticky
they’re just not going on speaking of
like pulling [ __ ] with f-150 i remember
going through the old guinness world
record books and it was like
it was like a guy pulls a [ __ ] limo
with his eyelids remember that [ __ ] with
like hooks and [ __ ] and it’s like yeah
i’ve seen it it was in neutral but
no [ __ ] it’s not in park he’s not
skidding it across
i don’t know i just it would help if
it’s
yeah
but with your eye i feel like his
islands would rip off i’m just saying
like how do you even know you’re into
that i’m just saying put yourself in
that guy’s position did you think he was
like dude next time we go to the bar i’m
going to tell him the guinness world
book of
record holder for pulling a limo with my
eyelids yeah that’s going to get you
did you see the [ __ ] on etsy where they
have like so like etsy was supposed to
be like uh
etsy was like you know a mom makes a
[ __ ] macrame plant holder and because
you know she’s bored and she throws it
on there overpriced and some other mom
buys it because she doesn’t want to make
it kind of [ __ ] or like
you know [ __ ] homemade oven mitts
etsy was for [ __ ] you could just buy at
the store but mom’s made them homemade
and charged enough price for shittier
quality yeah that’s what etsy was but if
you just type in like [ __ ] ring oh yeah
it’s there dude there’s [ __ ] home and
then people take pictures of it and put
it on the review yeah
i can never there’s full [ __ ] even if
[ __ ] and balls yeah and titties and
poop and [ __ ] and butt holes you know
how long porn sites it’s like confirm
your 18 or up etsy needs that [ __ ]
full on [ __ ] [ __ ] and balls it’s like
the same thing it’s kind of like what
reddit ended up turning into
yeah that’s the problem with you know
with these websites that tr like
remember there was 4chan 8chan and [ __ ]
they want to have complete uh
you know freedom of speech the problem
is the [ __ ]
child pornography [ __ ] they’re all
the perfect [ __ ] yeah the pervs show
up they’re like oh freedom of speech
like how about this website freedom of
speech accept that
it would be one thing if there wasn’t
porn sites but there is so
i’m saying the [ __ ] child porn is why
all this got shut down because it was
like the point of the website was and i
agree with the point it probably wasn’t
anything
it was probably just pornographic and
nudity in general no i’m i’m being 100
serious 4chan and 8chan were designated
forums oh you’re talking about those i
thought you were talking about kaia yeah
they were basically it was like anything
like it’s just freedom of speech there’s
no censorship no nothing which is you
know an american right but then the
[ __ ] [ __ ] perv showed up started
posting that [ __ ] so they had to shut up
yeah that makes sense just like why not
just make a site for anything but that
like
do you remember like a site for child
pornography no anything oh i bought a
child
jesus
small time podcaster jack spence under
fire
oh battery spoiler fire
no but yeah it kind of ruins everything
you know what i mean or it’s like the
same thing wow how like
omegle
and like all like the live chat with
strangers was kind of like a funny thing
and then next thing you know it’s
[ __ ] all these dudes with their dicks
out i’m like yeah dude why don’t you
just go look jack off or something like
it’s random people i know what are you
expecting to run into
yeah i remember are you expecting that
your favorite porn star is going to be
on the line hey do you want to see my
tits yeah yeah i
yeah you know what i mean it’s like what
are you expecting to see yeah do you
remember chat roulette that was the og
yeah yeah and i remember
um
you know just like oh i’ll see what it’s
about you click next and then it was
always like you know guys legs up
the camera was like in between their
feet and they’re just yeah it’s just
like dude why not why
at least like
look about look at what you’re about to
get and then proceed how you’re gonna
act don’t do it before you don’t be
jacking it before you even know who’s on
the line or maybe like he had someone
and they swapped
you imagine he’s like flirting with this
chick he’s just jerking it she goes okay
next person and the next one’s just like
a 14 year old kid he’s like
dude that [ __ ] like that’s what we had
to deal with now everyone’s got like
because we were at the very beginning of
the internet remember when youtube first
came out i remember my parents came up
to me yeah and they were like do you
know what youtube my parents just
thought it was straight up porn it’s
like it’s not porn
not at all yeah i know but that’s what
parents thought it was like it was the
very
it was it was the dark days of or the
great days of no [ __ ] censorship
these are doc days
days indeed
yeah it was which i can finish online
without you
um
yeah
[Music]
that was pretty good
sorry what are you saying how can i give
it again
how could i be how could i be
imagine making a career off humming
[Music]
just [ __ ] if you could explain
tick-tock in a made-up quick little
snippet
how would you explain it like within
like three seconds 12 year olds who want
attention
it’s pretty good i mean it’s like
did you ever see that reality show where
it’s like the [ __ ] tic it’s like the
next tick tocker and then it’s like
these little people not like talk songs
too oh my god but it’s not like little
people they’re like young people are
like 12 13 they’re they’re like yeah i
know what you know about rolling down in
the demon bringing the [ __ ] song
sucks
but anyways oh no oh no no no no no
no
sorry anyways there was a uh it’s
blinking
sorry anyways there was a uh no there
was like a reality show that some
youtuber put on and
it was like these like 12 or 13 year
olds they’re all beefing about [ __ ] and
then she’s like yeah she’s like i need
to go plan my tick tocks for the day
it’s like what do you need to plan i’m
gonna dance to this one and then i’m
gonna [ __ ] do us you can have like a
you can that is something you can do
right before you do can we be honest
let’s just be honest here
it’s pretty much just girls showing off
their bodies half the time now it is
yeah yeah and it’s like if you’re not
like i’m sorry but the most popular tech
doctors are the attractive yeah that’s
how it works yeah so i never found the
demilious attractive day emilio’s
demilios whatever the [ __ ] they’re doing
the demi lialos
de mili
yeah i never found i don’t know what the
i don’t know what they do like i don’t
they do tick tocks obviously i guess
like dancing they’re like
yeah basically like all the other ones i
hate when they stare at the camera and
it’s like that
and they put their tongue out oh i hate
that it’s so [ __ ] they’re like yeah
yeah i hate that [ __ ] i don’t even like
i don’t even scroll through i post on
our page i don’t even i don’t even go on
tech talk i just go on twitter and
instagram but honestly they have tick
tocks on there’s for the ogs though i
mean twitter is just raw
dirty unfiltered content yeah like i’ll
be scrolling through and there’s just
titties porn
i don’t follow the accounts but it’s
more it’s funny because then i’ll see
like
her favorite who favorite it i’m like
dude you do realize we could see yeah
you favorited this yeah it’s like it’s
like the [ __ ] share button on porn
science yeah no one clicks that i think
z would really like this yeah it’s like
who even you know
you got to be weird to do that like see
a porn video be like oh share to
facebook
i know a p a person or two who would
like to see this clip aunt greta will
love it i know yeah um
what’s the weirdest celebrity sex tape
you’ve ever seen i haven’t seen a lot of
celebrity sex tapes besides kim
kardashian yeah everyone’s seen the kim
k one you haven’t seen the whole colgan
one have you i haven’t no i didn’t know
there was one and nor did i ever be like
hulk hogan’s got one up here
come for me brother
[Laughter]
let me tell you brother
when you stick your diggity
i just think my meme jeans are lucky
stars
no matter how many one two threes i
throw down in the ring no but yeah i
haven’t seen any
celebrity sex i’ve seen sex scenes of
celebrities but i think the only sex
experience i’ve seen
keira knightley right and natalie
i would say yeah the kim k was one was
the only one actually like wow yeah
that was interesting and yet very i was
also let down i wasn’t
i was expecting i was younger also so
high definition camera on that that was
like 480p it’s like come on i mean i
[ __ ] see raging they’re like she
ain’t going to lay me down as their
[ __ ] dude
yeah i uh
i mean i i haven’t seen the whole kogan
one um why would you want to see the
whole club i don’t want to i’m just
saying it would be funny it’s also not
something i’ve ever done where i’m like
all right let’s look up celebrity sex
tapes yeah no i haven’t done that but
obviously you haven’t i haven’t seen the
whole hogan one that’s that doesn’t mean
you don’t want to watch these mixtapes
because you don’t want it there’s not
that many i’ve seen the kim k one oh
yeah the kim k one was
that changed the game dude what’s
another big one i don’t know okay kim k
hulk hogan
is that all we got that’s the next one
we need yeah
[ __ ] bruce willis i think
i don’t know
i don’t know
oh gwyneth paltrow’s coming out with a
new show called sex love goop
so that’s cool it’s just all about sex
we’ll be watching that we shall
yeah um
no i’m trying to think of like action
the thing is if you’re a celebrity don’t
pull out the camera i mean sign some
ndas and just get on with your business
like
but in the same token it’s like if you
are a celebrity let’s just say
you haven’t been the best with your
money you’re kind of
losing but the thing is because you have
a celebrity status there are things like
that along with the things that you can
make some quick cash who the [ __ ] buys
that who’s like so what do you do for a
living i uh buy and resell uh celebrity
sex tapes i’m just saying because they
are celebrities and they have so many
people that would want to see him which
is why you can make some easy how do you
think the ray j one got leaked like
did they just i guarantee you he
probably said it’s one of his homeboys
he’s like yo bro guess who i just backed
this weekend and they’re like dude
dude nice
that’s would you ever since the thing is
if i was a celebrity i would never
record it at all unless it’s like
something with my wife or something but
i’m saying i would it would be never
something i would record if i’m a
celebrity because it gets out it’s going
to be on there forever yeah so you uh
would you ever send a sex tape to your
brows
would i send a sex tape to my bros like
you just said ray j did like oh
i’m sorry but my penis isn’t that like i
wouldn’t but i’m saying i was just
guessing how it got leaked i don’t know
i mean all it takes is that decision for
one person
i would never send any of my boys a sex
tape what the [ __ ] i don’t have any sex
tapes
that you know of
i was in the closet
in a spiderman outfit yeah but um no i
would never do pinky blinders
yeah i would never do that yeah i mean i
i feel like there’s certain things you
shouldn’t send over the internet and
that’s one of them yeah obviously like
but uh
yeah all right but there’s also people
that like because they’re celebrities
they somehow someone gets a hold of like
their icloud or something or their apple
id or some [ __ ] yeah and then don’t back
that one up
use a loaner phone for that one yeah
[ __ ] burner yeah um clamshell 360p
camera it’s not like [ __ ] kim herself
posted that and just like i’m gonna post
this internet today you know what i mean
it leaks
it leaked somehow
she’s like guys ratings are low kim look
what happened after that though
and now there’s nothing but uphill for
her yeah
still talentless but still making money
yeah you know i mean that’s how it goes
i guess yeah dude if i had an ass like
that dude i wouldn’t be living here [ __ ]
i’d be [ __ ] rich
probably well i mean you also need chris
jenner though
yeah but she saw my ass she’d be like
i’m gonna be the manager of that
i’m managing that out i’m managing not
what you do or you think that is mine
that’s why i’m that’s what i’m managing
right there what like say you had to be
a model for anything like maybe like a
hand model or like a
mouth model like what what do you think
you could be
i mean i i don’t feel like i have nice
enough hands for that i don’t know i’ve
never thought of that um
you do have nice lips i feel like you
could like you know
there’s no lip models there’s not like
lipstick you know like yeah but it’s
like a model they take a picture of
their lips it’s not like you are a lip
model it’s like a model they take a
picture of their lips i’m saying
someone’s got to take a picture of one
of your body parts just one which one do
you think would be the best
i mean i’m going to say my [ __ ]
flaccid
yeah probably like rufus from composible
shaved yeah put some nice oil on that
and make it shine get some lighting in
there but realistically i don’t know
yeah i don’t know either i i do want to
go back to the point of how ugly a
flaccid [ __ ] is
kind of you know when it’s just it looks
like uh
a miniature version of an elephant’s
trunk the tongue of an old basset yeah
it’s just kind of
out you know yeah
what swing swing low sweet chariots have
you noticed that you have like you have
different dick days
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like sometimes
it’s just like
it’s really drooping like it’s sad
that’s why i always
when i like go to like high school
middle school my boy like hey how’s it
hanging today
to the left to the right i’m like a
little bit to the right today yeah it’s
weird down the center maybe but you know
yeah i’m where do you put it like i
usually put it to the left i usually
just let it wherever it decides to sit
and it’s usually has a mind of its own
it’s most comfortable you know i’ve
actually never like
unless like somehow during the day i got
to chop and it repositioned by itself
i’m like i usually just i’m already in a
good spot but like sometimes you know
you get up from sitting and it’s in like
it’s kind of like against if you’re
wearing like tight underwear it’s kind
of against him so you’re gonna have to
like pull out the underwear so it goes
down exactly yeah yeah yeah
um have you uh some basic repositioning
look at that yeah yeah the uh have
you [ __ ] was i going to ask i don’t know
it was a good question too there
actually never was a question no uh
there was um no we were talking about
flaccid is that when we left off classic
[ __ ] flat plastics um
no have you uh um oh what’s on top of my
tongue oh it’s probably not what it is
i don’t remember
um there wasn’t a question he had no
they had nothing
you had nothing just be honest about it
you weren’t gonna ask anything you were
just trying to no no i did i didn’t you
were trying to drag something out for a
few seconds long enough that you think
you would come up with something but it
ended up that you weren’t that
quick-witted then it’s okay that’s
actually not what it was there was
something good um okay
yeah well i think that’ll uh that’ll
pretty much do it
i actually had a question i want to
figure out what the [ __ ] it was yeah
well we’re just gonna act like he had
one but what are we doing right now
40. i think that’s a good place i think
it was
some good crowd today um so yeah guys
and here it’s it’s uh shit’s heating up
fast patreon’s been launched officially
um
you know this is the first week since it
has so uh we’re just gonna keep pressing
on things are getting it better and
better and better and better and better
and better and better and better so
stick around for it if you’ve been
around since the beginning you son of a
[ __ ] we love you today i love you um so
jack where can they find you find me at
jack underscore spend z where can they
find you and isaiah underscore lesney on
or both of our instagrams at around the
table instagram page did we shout out
aperture oceans already no we didn’t uh
i forgot to thank our sponsor after
oceans bringing ideas and ads to life
sorry jordan i usually do the beginning
but we forgot
um and
the fall collection for our merch is
gonna be coming along designed by jake
todd again obviously the summer you know
it’s over now it’s down because it’s not
summer anymore
but um i’m thinking fall and there’s
gonna be holiday [ __ ] yeah so uh like i
said before things are heating up
because we’re doing more [ __ ] now now
that we have a patreon now we’re gonna
be doing a lot more exclusives we’re
gonna be doing a lot of multiple
episodes um so it’s not just gonna be
one thing and then you know you’ll see
another
a week later or something it’s going to
be and then
in our instagram will probably be other
videos that aren’t part of the episode
so yeah a lot of exciting things ahead
so thanks for sticking around it’s going
to get a lot better so yeah patreon.com
last around the lunch table and see ya
[Music]
let’s get rowdy up in here
