J & Z talk about childhood stories and women.
if i don’t succeed
put him in reverse and watch him bleed
what is that from um oh wait i remember
as a kid i am the ice cream man running
over people
i am the ice cream man running over
people in my ice cream van if i don’t
succeed put it in reverse and watch them
bleed
what is that problem
it’s like a middle school rhyme wow yeah
my rhyme schemes are dope
you wanna do the intro that was i guess
welcome back slap dicks this is
[ __ ]
hit it
what was that all that was our intro
but you got to do your thing well yeah
but i didn’t do it last time either
though maybe just maybe we’re on to new
things bigger and better things maybe we
are this is episode 40 though so you
just got to say that’s true welcome back
slapdicks this is around the launch
table episode
40. 40. this is 40 man we’re officially
the podcast and it’s mid-life crisis
we’re gonna go buy an f-350 truck that’s
way too souped up for us and
drive it once yep and then blow a big
old vape out the window with a bumper
sticker on the back that says if you
think my puff is smoking guess how my
wife looks
probably not that good no no they don’t
have class
um hey welcome back uh do you want to
announce this is the first
early episode this is the episode this
patreon we’re finally gonna get that
[ __ ] cash because y’all are [ __ ]
clowns
[ __ ] taken from the little man
[ __ ] robin hoods out here [ __ ]
yeah what was the um did you ever watch
that um
[ __ ]
robin hood on vhs the cartoons
with the fox yeah that [ __ ] hurt hard
dude uh when he was uh remember when he
shot the arrow
yeah do you remember when um
when uh the bear would all dressed up to
go to that event so then he went no and
then the bear was acting like he was
like on the king’s team or second steal
[ __ ] he was in a little yeah no yeah and
the bear was like had this blonde wig on
he was like because his name’s prince
john he’s like took the words right out
of my mouth pj
and the guy’s like pj pj me
you know jc you’re in good company
company yeah [ __ ] um
if you’d like
if you could be any other like ethnicity
what would you be like would you be
jewish or like
what kind of question is that i don’t
know jewish
you’ve seen spaceballs right i love that
movie because they call them jewish from
the druids that was funny i’d be jewish
because i got
it’s mad you are jewish i’m not your
hair i’m not a practicing jew you’re
still you could be jewish not a
practicing jew i believe your mother has
to be a jew
dude i contract that you know that just
tells me you’re jews how do you think
they get the dreidels because like
facial hair is so hard but the sideburns
to go in curls do you think they have a
little like spiral curling iron like
extra extensions
probably extensions no here’s the thing
bailey let us know if there’s any trees
here they’re like like where my hair but
they’re just long enough to go down it’s
not here it’s
here
what is the point of that i don’t get
the cruelty i i believe it’s a big petty
statement like dude there’s religions
that are like we don’t wear wedding
rings we wear watches
it’s like we don’t do church on sundays
we do it on saturdays we’re all going to
[ __ ] kill each other
it’s [ __ ] stupid uh 9 11 the
anniversary shout out was less
i mean like it just happened look shout
out 911 you guys that was that was crazy
911 just dropped um
no like 911 just happened we’re kidding
911 just happened
rest in peace it didn’t just happen
anniversary yeah yeah 20 years i figured
taliban would be back by now but
dude [ __ ] you’re on a roll
butter me yeah the uh no i mean i
figured i mean when the 10-year
anniversary happened i was like they’re
coming back like they’re getting the
band back yeah they’re
you know they’re sitting there like
let’s get the band back dude one last
job
but at the same time i feel bad we’re
not i’m not i feel bad for joking about
that yeah it’s kind of funny if we’re
going to like thinking about that if
we’re going to get canceled course it
would have happened like 10 episodes ago
we’re fine yes we don’t have a big
enough audience uh but no i felt like
the taliban like you know if i was
sitting in that cave you know
with a box cutter and the thing is
the thing
we see them as that but they’re [ __ ]
not dude they got a lot of money because
we gave it to them we just gave them 64
billion dollars in [ __ ] planes and
[ __ ] no i’m saying yeah they got i’m
saying they’re not just [ __ ]
i didn’t say they’re just [ __ ] no
i’m saying you think that when you think
it but i’m saying they’re not they got
resources small time podcast co-host z
pro taliban
dude they got [ __ ] like black hawks
and [ __ ] they’re gonna like alex jones
me dude they’re [ __ ] throwing me off
the [ __ ]
do you want to have sex with me
[ __ ] alex jones i do the things get
alex jones in the podcast
alex jones come on i’ve actually thought
of it if i could give any birthday
present to dupe if we got alex in the
podcast be like hey bro you got to come
over right now an emergency comes in
alex jones
i’m like hey you guys he has to say yes
yes look at that you want to have sex
with me
the thing is the thing is about that guy
and that’s the creepiest part of it all
is when you research the [ __ ] he talks
about some of it a lot of it’s true
actually most of it and it’s like oh
this isn’t good
this isn’t good uh so i do want to talk
about the funniest part about his alex
jones’s career thingy is like
that he like
was the one that got any footage of the
bohemian grove thing yeah yeah this
doesn’t make him famous just picture
that guy sneaking through bushes how
funny that would [ __ ] look dude just
this big-ass guy
going through these bushes of the
[ __ ] camera it’s like a [ __ ]
burglar on a wire just
[Laughter]
you guys haven’t checked that out check
it out um
no the uh
god i had something to say [ __ ]
the thing with with the alex jones thing
like you know i wouldn’t say big fan but
you know i like his [ __ ] i do think i
believe he’s more of like a fear porn
kind of guy you know like who fear porn
you know there’s people that are so into
that [ __ ] so much they’ll just so i
think he’s a little off his rocker but
he also he says a lot of real [ __ ] yeah
what what the [ __ ] can you say a little
extremist but
so say you had to join like a gang
or a group a gang or like you know like
the crips the bloods parouse i feel like
those are blood yeah they’re there
what’s their dream pyrus and because
there’s a paroo blood and then just
blood they’re just different type of
bloods oh
like a positive and
[ __ ] we owe negative mosquitoes don’t
bite us yeah you know what i mean dude i
would love one my grandpa had o negative
and mosquitoes never liked that [ __ ] and
to be honest i’d be a little offended
it’s like the mosquitoes want my blood
but they want anyone else oh gee two
tone crenshaw mafia
rest in peace my brother dj waldo was it
dj waldo austin waldo it was a piece
awesome walter we actually looked up
your obituary by the way we thought you
were dead now but he’s he’s up and
running somewhere he’s in a cabin in the
woods
spanking it to some [ __ ] to a kenny
chesney poster
i don’t know
this isn’t the kenny chesney concert
okay i think we need to restart no this
is good that was shitty
we had a hot take
i don’t know caught off the ramp i
thought it was a little shitty this kind
of sucked
i was very much enjoying it okay well
then we’ll edit this part out and then
we’ll keep going okay anyways do you
remember that family guy where brian
became stupid and he wore the orange
vest because no his name was justin no
no that was peter yeah he wore the
orange vest and he’s like this isn’t the
kenny cheese
i think the best brian griffin moment of
all family guys is when
quagmire’s transvestite dad and then
brian [ __ ] him and then quagmire goes
well he brian didn’t know because he got
drunk and then he realized he [ __ ] his
last night and then
he [ __ ] quagmire goes over and beats
his ass and then quagmire leaves his
house and brian’s like dripping blood
opens the door hey turn around i [ __ ]
your dad
okay now this is a serious question so
in that case
there’s been a lot of rigmarole a lot of
things going in the air of like do you
if you’re on a first date because a lot
of transgenders out there which is you
know whatever
you know do you say it but this is the
question do you think you could have sex
with a transvestite man who’s now a
woman and not no like do you think the
surgery is that good i i don’t know i
haven’t seen it firsthand i haven’t
either but i do i know a video of the
surgery on twitter and it’s very graphic
i do know
i do i do know
i do know that like they do like
invert the skin so it has the same
feeling i guess you know what i mean but
they recreate the clitoris
but yeah i’m just saying i
i’m saying but there’s a lot of people
who can’t afford to do that so they just
have a wean still yeah like in hangover
2
i’ve actually been very thailand with
the girl i’m very confused about this is
it a girl or is it a guy because it’s a
guy but she has boobs and she’s they
yeah you could get [ __ ] boobs you can
get a dick put on you right
not like that you could tell if it’s a
[ __ ] what if a girl wants to become a
man
how does that happen because okay they
get rid of their boobs
no i’m saying the genitalia
i’m saying yeah you can but it’s pro
it’s not real you could it’s not real
i know that it’s not real
you just asked me what’s the difference
so is it a man
or a woman it’s a you could tell look at
our [ __ ] [ __ ]
it was put on but it’d be probably after
the fact that’s what strap-ons are for i
guess right well okay here’s my question
so as a man
you can now i get that because really
you’re just taking it open and folding
it inside yeah you’re not getting like
probably much sensation but how does a
girl turn into a man
they just use [ __ ] prosthetic stuff
oh it’s not a real penis
guys what do you think they do they go
to the [ __ ] morgue and rip a dick off
a guy no on this [ __ ] but if you’re a
tr if you transfer to a woman you they
literally make a [ __ ]
they literally make it it’s different
when you’re cutting something off and
making the skin into a [ __ ] little
hole
yeah exactly when you’re adding it but
yeah
but you can yeah i’m sure they could do
certain things but it’s prosthetic
better to buy more than that which is
why i’m pretty sure i’m sure a lot of
them have just strap-ons and [ __ ] okay
so back to my question
you and i have both seen a vagina in our
days
um
do you think you could tell the
difference i’ve seen a boochie or two
yeah oh wait that’s a bottleneck
here’s the butthole cam missed this
[Laughter]
that was good yeah that was good you
said that last night what would you say
no um do you think you could tell the
difference like
i my mom actually always made a good
point because we’d watch cops and we’d
always see like [ __ ] in vegas
sorry we’re talking about if you could
tell it’s true you’re like my mom no my
mom always my mom always said to look at
their hands
oh the the meaty hands like you know you
could tell a woman’s hand from a dude’s
hand oh
it’s kind of crazy we’re at this point
where like you gotta tell the difference
it’s kind of nuts
yeah here’s like i you would think
here’s the thing you would think that
you would know that you would know we
i’ve seen i’m like
whoa wait i would have actually never
remembered the asian victoria’s secret
model yeah yeah and i hate those where
it’s like you think this woman’s hot and
i’m like yeah and then you scroll down
it’s a man yeah and congrats you got me
listening you got me twitter we’re not
yet
we’re not being transfo if you want to
do it do it i’m just saying it just it’s
it’s a confusing time because it’s like
what do you want to be
what do you need what do you want from
me you know like i want to be what
that’s a good question what did you want
to be when you grew up
a baseball player fireman a fireman i
think because i always had fire trucks
he did have a big hose
yeah what did you want to be okay wait
hear this a rapper yeah
no i remember one time i remember for
the longest time your profile picture i
know you’re [ __ ]
pointing with a mic okay every white boy
out there at one moment wanted to be a
rapper
what was your rap name
i think it was just j spence
[ __ ] no i do remember one time like my
mom
this is probably one of the cringiest
moments of my life my mom like looking
back i’m like 14 15.
and like she found like
i think me and preston had written this
entire album and then she found it
i don’t remember it was called like
revive or something
and so
my mom had found the binder of the
lyrics she’s like what is this and i
remember saying i’m like 14 i’m like a
freshman in high school like mom
i’m a rapper and my shit’s really good
i’m gonna make it like you’re the next
evidence yeah [ __ ]
chicka chicka chicka slim shady
hotter than a soda
twin babies hopefully he’s talking about
like babes not like a little baby to be
getting the trees like vietnamese people
he’s evil and i’m bad like steve siegel
above the law because i don’t believe in
police either [ __ ] me neither we need to
be legal so please leave me with the
keys
um
like what was your go to like i remember
one of the first songs i ever heard was
from elijah your brother and it was bon
jovi’s uh
living on a prayer living on i’m just at
the beginning
[Music]
tommy used to work on them
[Music]
dude
like we don’t get that anymore wow
we’re
now we just have obviously going offset
still be playing
um
when was the first like have you ever
gotten like alcohol poisoning or
anything yeah
yeah yeah yeah it happened a time or two
almost killed myself told me about it
i got food poisoning twice that was the
worst thing ever my appendix blew up
inside me that was funny i almost died
that was fun i remember going to the
hospital i was like
i know you’re taking [ __ ] snap videos
of me and i’m just in the worst pain of
my life i’m like dude stop you’re on
morph no relax it doesn’t no i’m serious
i was the way away for they first took
me in there i remember i’m sitting there
i’m like dude don’t record me oh he’s
grumpy right now no [ __ ] i’m grumpy
right now my appendix just blew up
inside me you [ __ ] and you’re like okay
you’re grumpy right now i’m like what
the [ __ ] did i come to see you every day
you were in there
that’s not the question i did i was
there by your side along with you you
what’s funny about you
someone will tell you hey like this is
what you did you like
well i also did this i also did this
good thing so that should cancel this
i know i hate you in my car but i i came
to see you in the hospital every day i
volunteer too much occasionally hit a
woman with my car michael scott
have you ever gotten to a car accident
where you hit and ran
i’ve never got a constant with anyone
else um one time it was me and cody
parker we went you got a hit run
no i hit and ran someone
what yeah me and cody parker were in my
car we were at my grandma’s because we
used to record in her garage i was in a
car when someone hit ran oh
nice
it was actually really funny but um i
forgot that like you know hydraulic
brakes need a little pressure to work so
i was like i’m gonna you know sneak out
so i turned the i put the battery on put
in a neutral and turn the car off
going down the driveway and i’m pressing
the brake it doesn’t stop it just keeps
going to the neighbor’s house bam into
their car and then i started it and
that’s how i always snuck out though i
was put in neutral my car was like i
just i pulled it out of driving and
pushing on the road down the waves and
then i started it and then drove yeah i
went to my uh i mastered the art of
sneaking out when i was in high school i
never actually got caught there was uh
my dad suspected but yeah i never got
caught either yeah i like how now now
like because like i was at my parents
house like a couple weeks ago and we
were just like walking around because we
did all this [ __ ] to the house we’re
walking around it and you can still see
see where i cut the holes around the
screen pegs so i could get back in
so my mom was like she obviously knows
sneaking out and she my parents always
be like oh we knew i’m like no you
didn’t yeah you knew whatever you would
have been yeah oh we got him now james
we got him now
we got him now i think one time was like
my dad suspected because he came into
waking me up the next morning i was like
up
i think i got because i would go to like
i can first name job i would i would
like go to like elise’s house nice and i
would stay till like
six
or six thirty or something because like
before her parents went got up and then
i’d leave
when the sun came up like go over there
like that i’d say that i’ve seen
security i [ __ ] remember what were
you doing for six hours i’m talking
about
the bible and stuff yeah bible studies
those are good hey guys and like no
here’s the thing i was a [ __ ] ninja
here’s the thing she she had like a
two-story house her
room was on the second floor right and
so they have i’d pull up you know in the
neighborhood you know get my
hood i jump on this wooden fence that
was super wobbly and then i had to jump
onto the roof
and then shimmy across the skinny part
of the roof to get to her window and she
always she always have to she’d always
have the window open and she’d be like
like waiting for you to come because
like there’s this there’s nowhere to put
my hands it was like winter time and
there’s that’s icy you had to like jump
out and so i’m not like because here’s
like there’s a beam here so i have to
like quickly go across and grab the end
of the window and then like without i
almost fell a couple times but i never
once did
and anyway so i came back home one of
the times
i guess obviously i’m [ __ ] just
exhausted every [ __ ] day you know
what i mean but they they just took that
as this is how i am this is a growing
boy yeah and then so one time
i um got home a little late
i stayed a little too long because i was
like really [ __ ] tired fell asleep
and then it’s like retired from what
well just i was up late you know i was a
growing boy extracurricular activities
yeah i’m sorry it was super late and the
thing is i somehow i never actually cut
it close other than that time but and it
was like 7 30 dude 7 15.
like it was their parents weren’t up yet
no they were up that’s why i was like oh
my [ __ ] god but they didn’t know what
you’re like
no here’s the thing because they were
like
it was daylight outside but like i could
see that their light was stolen but the
kitchen lights weren’t [ __ ] went on
and so my dad probably had just gotten
up he’s like showering whenever he’s in
the bathroom and so their windows like
obviously close to the drapes like his
whole lights on so i’m like
[ __ ] i’m like oh my god i’m so [ __ ]
late and so i [ __ ] have like a gate
opener for the gate so i turn off my car
and i’m [ __ ] that’s you i’m getting
no that’s the thing i’m like if they see
me this is gonna be the worst thing ever
but i had no choice i couldn’t afford
him to hear me come in and so i’m
[ __ ] i get i i’m like 50 meters
probably for my [ __ ] meters or 25 155
meters and so i’m sitting there and i
turn off my car in the middle of the
road make sure there’s no cars and then
i [ __ ] get out and like
then i’m just getting some momentum
because the driver has a little bit of a
hump and i’m like i got a little
momentum here so
i’m pushing this thing i get it up the
driveway and then i close the gate same
time
and then i close down like
close the door and i’m like sprint to my
[ __ ] window and i jump in
and then i [ __ ] go to bed and i’m not
kidding you within [ __ ] five minutes
my [ __ ] dad
comes to my room and i had like been in
my room for a couple minutes already i’m
like oh my god i pulled it off i’m like
oh my god i [ __ ] pulled it off
but
my entrance was so hasty i didn’t notice
because i took my shoes off to be quiet
yeah i stepped in the bark so bark was
on my socks
and like it fell from my window when i
like jumped in you can talk your way out
of that though on the carpet that’s not
bad and so
and then i so what i did was i put the
screen back on everything’s like that
but then he
kind of spot he didn’t say it but i saw
him look at he’s like
he’s not an idiot yeah he didn’t say
anything though and then
like because he didn’t know for sure but
he’s like
i’d assume he thought oh last night he
did something but yeah and then the next
time i tried like
it was the it was like the evening
before i was gonna do it because the
next thing i was gonna do it again and i
was taking out the trash
and i walked over to my screen i can
because my window’s right by the front
door i looked i’m like
there was [ __ ] two pieces of duct
tape on the [ __ ]
on this on the screen window it’s like
when you never told my mom though he
never told me when you’re doing my
parents car they put some rocks on the
wheels and the thing was i i was a
ballsy [ __ ] i was just like okay
so he knows let’s let’s calm down but
he wants me to know that he knows so if
i take these off and sneak out again
he’s not going to see it coming i took
off a piece of tape and then stuck on
the next night he’s like oh he’s not
going to do it again after he knows i
know and then exactly
the crazy thing the first time i ever
snuck out so my parents like i couldn’t
have a cell phone until i could buy it
myself which is like 18 or whatever
but it got to this point where my
parents let me have this little like
track phone you know like the pay phones
yeah yeah yeah yeah and the service was
horrible i’m all my life this happened
so earlier that day i was with some
people my mom texted me like where are
you at are you coming home or like why
aren’t you home because i was supposed
to be home later that was at like noon
or something but my phone had been off
so i took it with me jake brown picks me
up and we’re going to the abc he was
like the go-to guy for steve yeah
yeah he taught me everything i know so
we’re going we’re going to the [ __ ]
let’s take it out yeah yeah yeah yeah
okay you’re cool um the uh we’re going
to the abc party or whatever [ __ ] was
[ __ ] lit so we’re at a gas station
he’s fueling up and i turn my phone on
and i get a where are you at are you
home like why aren’t you home
and my heart yeah by drops dude i was
like this is the first time no i was
like have you ever been in that
situation and you’re like because i have
like it wasn’t necessarily sneaking out
but maybe like i just left without them
knowing and you get that it’s like hey
they already know i might as well just
say [ __ ] it and take the punishment
later it’s abc party exactly which that
[ __ ] you can ask everyone from high
school
that [ __ ] was nuts
that [ __ ] was nuts
that was like a project x party i’m not
even kidding you it was crazy
i remember because i had my ipod touch
and i’m a phone i took videos of scuba
steve beating up uh
scuba steve beating up this guy i
remember backing up just every video i
had i backed up the hard drive still in
there it crashed and one of these days
i’m gonna go down to those pc repair
shops and get him to fix it yeah and i’m
gonna pull it up so it works all that
[ __ ] dude great
yeah
if so you did just
accept the consequences later and you
just went
no no it was the text from earlier
that’s what i was saying my heart
dropped and then i looked at the time
stamp and it was oh
okay yeah i never got caught no i
actually had
one of those i remember specifically was
when i first got my license
and it’s like i just turned like 16 or
something that was really when you went
to donut country no not that okay that
actually wasn’t that but we’ll talk
about that another time even though we
have talked about it but now that we’re
on air you want to make it seem like
something else so i’m just gonna let
that one slide um so i’m gonna say
i was going actually yeah
it was
not that it was it was during the summer
time so it was like the sum the same
summer i got like my license or whatever
so i go
to i’m saying the first name i would go
to bailey’s house and you probably know
who i’m talking about yeah yeah i go to
her house yeah and i’m like okay like
it’s like i pretty yeah i was young as
[ __ ] okay so anyways so i get off
baseball practice forever like summer
ball
and then she lived like right by north
right now right over there like right
right remember spring brook where i used
to live that one story house before we
moved it was right it was that complex
next to it it was right but i didn’t
live at that place dope i’m saying it
was right there so i got off went over
there and me and her had already been
hanging out and [ __ ]
and so i’m like oh i’m stoked let’s go
baby and her mom is super [ __ ] cool
like her mom just let me hang out with
her i’m like this is awesome like my
parents are not like this and so we’re
just hanging out
next thing i know i’m like i’m having a
grand old time i’m like i don’t want to
leave no it’s at this point it’s like
i think i gotta practice like three or
four but it’s like i made up an excuse
oh i’m going out with so and so to go
get slurpees and go to brett’s house or
i forgot what i [ __ ] said but we’re
gonna go we’re just gonna go kick this
of course because i just got you know
they were very strict on when i should
they didn’t even want me to do that but
because i already was doing it they’re
like okay well you better be home soon
i’m like right i bought myself some time
and so next thing i know
it’s [ __ ] nine things are here it’s 9
30.
it’s nine [ __ ] 30 and i’m like holy
[ __ ] like the whole time i’m like like
oh this is so great and then like oh my
[ __ ] god and then
next thing i’m getting phone calls it’s
like oh it’s your mom i’m like oh it’s
okay
i’m like it’s okay i just gotta commit
it i’m not at that at this point i’m
already in trouble yeah i’m already in
trouble yeah i’m like [ __ ] what do you
want me to do and so it’s nine it’s like
9 30. so i keep i keep ignoring cold
tests and then like 10 minutes later i
put my phone text hey sorry it’s going a
little am like i’ll be home soon i’m not
gonna be home soon i like how every
parent when you don’t reply for two
minutes is just like they’ve been
kidnapped like they just like go to like
it’s better than them they go to the
nuclear option of like we need to pull
the car that’s why that’s why i texted
them i was like because it already been
like i waited a little bit because
or ten calls and they already had called
like five times
and then all i get some people i get a
text from my mom and she’s like come
home now in all caps nice text back no
caps no
i just said no
and she did not i did i did i was like
no
you know you’re [ __ ] at that point no
exactly because you already knew no i
knew i was gonna get a talking to at
this point i was starting to cross over
that threshold i’m like i’m gonna be in
big doo-doo but i mean like you were
crossing over some lines with the no i’m
saying i’m about to crash over threshold
where i’m gonna be in trouble like if i
had went home at like eight i would have
got talking to okay don’t do it again
bye bye at this point so they know i’m
out and something’s going on
you know
and so i said no
and then she calls me again and i just
don’t answer so i’m chilling with her
another 30 40 minutes go by it’s like 10
something damn and then i i text my mom
again i’m like all right i’m like i’m
okay i’m like i’ll be home soon i just
didn’t know what to do and then after
that i just stopped answering and so
it’s like so we’re hanging out having a
great time blah blah blah
i think it was like it was like 11 30.
[ __ ] or something like that or 11 or 11
30.
what’s going on with the mics that was
the headphones we’re good oh and so it’s
like 11 30
and i forgot it was around 11 30 or
close to midnight where i finally was
like all right i gotta go should no just
stay i’m like i [ __ ] i’m like i’m
already gonna get railed so
i kind of just accepted was it worth it
no here’s the thing here’s what changes
he said no just stay i’m like well it’s
late i’m like you’re i’m like i’m sure
your mom doesn’t want me to like you
know doesn’t want me to stay here she’s
like she’s not going to no you can say
as long as you want like
oh and as a 16 year old boy yeah so you
know you say he’s only so much she
doesn’t care i’m like
please i’m like i’ll stay for a little
bit longer and so because at that point
i was all that’s the thing i walked out
to the front door and i’m like
and i stood there i’m like
which head make that made the decision
there it was it was a battle of the
[ __ ] fire night it was at the same
time it was a logical decision it’s like
okay if i’m already in trouble i might
as well get the best bang for my buck
here the best bang i mess with the book
you know what i’m saying i’m like
because i i really liked her i was like
i was like this is my woman
obviously it wasn’t it wasn’t at all but
i loved exactly i was like this is my
woman but the same at the same token
like
based upon all that had happened already
i’m like okay i’m already in deep [ __ ]
yeah i’m like i might as well just grab
a shovel and keep going every attic
wants to get high one more time
no but um
and
i just was like [ __ ] it like i’m already
gonna be in trouble so i stayed a little
longer so i get home
anyways so i get home oh no and i’m
dreading i’m like the whole way i didn’t
play music on the way i’m just like like
i first got my car i first got my car my
god she’s so great she’s so great oh my
god that was so fun and then and then
like i’m like smiling and then like two
seconds down there i’m like
i’m like
yeah and so i get like as soon as you
come you come to yourself i get on corey
road why i don’t even we didn’t even go
that we didn’t do that i didn’t come we
didn’t do that no we didn’t do that much
stuff i was edging the holder
so we can
so i get on corey road and i’m just like
sweating bullets and i know what’s about
to come so i pull in the driveway
like the second i [ __ ] i’m trying to
act like it’s cool
[Laughter]
yeah i for some i’m like dude if i just
act cool like it’s all good it’s like it
was popping
up
the second i pull up the [ __ ] i just
see the front door heads poking out like
my dad the funny thing is my dad didn’t
say a word
he knew he knew you were dude you knew i
was he knew i was doing something but he
like at the same time he
it’s not like he wasn’t mad but he knew
my mom was more mad than he was so he
just kind of sat down yeah he had to
choose her side yeah he just like sat
that one out because he was he was kind
of just like
here’s the thing he knew you were
getting some poon but if he doesn’t go
on her side he ain’t getting no pun and
then you know it’s yeah catastrophe i
walk up and that’s why i’m like what
like it’s cool what like nothing’s going
down i walk in i’m like i’m almost like
sit down and i’m like okay
so i sit down on the counter i’m just
like
what’s up guys like i gotta go to bed i
got school tomorrow this is you now
whenever you get some trim
you come out and you’re just like you
have your shirt on you come out you’re
like hey
it’s so annoying you walk that you think
that you do walk different so do i that
is so stupid you know every time i do
bro
no you are
you know it’s funny you’ve never once
said that and i just because i come out
with my shirt off and i’m going no but
it’s one of those like who does that no
one doesn’t i’m just saying do you think
i purposely take my shot like i’m going
to totally flex on these people no no
i’m just saying you walk a little taller
that night
i don’t know about that
i think it’s debatable i think it
depends on what happens but anyways
so my mom slaps me in the face
because side note you’re gonna hit my
wife go ahead
side note because there was a tragedy
like that was recently i remember yeah
there was a tragedy that happened in our
family and but you texted her and told
her yeah no but that and that’s why and
so she’s like crying and slaps me in the
face i hate when they start crying
there’s no reason to cry she’s like how
could you do this to me blah blah blah
and then she’s like where were you i’m
like i was with bailey and like who’s
who’s there who’s bait what’s in they
know who the [ __ ] she was and i’m like
i’m like dude i’m because i at this
point i’m already [ __ ] and so i was
like i went almost like i was hanging
out with them for a little bit and then
i went to bailey’s house i’m like i
didn’t want to leave
and i’m like i’m sorry blah blah blah
because after i started crying that’s
actually good you admitted it holy [ __ ]
i would have tried to lie myself
she would she’s never she was never
gonna know who she was so it’s fine i
was just like you thought you loved her
you’re gonna bring her home
yeah but i mean at the same time it’s
like it could have mom i love her mom
i’m gonna be a rapper i bring her home
it’s a really common name
but anyways i’m like and she didn’t know
who she was so i thought and so i i just
kind of like hoped that would fix it a
little bit and so when she just storms
off goes the room and my dad didn’t say
he’s just like
and then he walks he didn’t even he
didn’t even look mad he was just like
proud he was just like
and then he went into the room and he’s
like go to bed i’m like i’m like all
right but yeah i got it that’s how i
feel like i’m gonna be the dad like but
that that is that is a classic
if you know you’re [ __ ]
yeah you might as well at least enjoy
what you got [ __ ] for
you know what i mean i don’t think i was
smart enough to do that as a child i
think when i got [ __ ] i just was like
yeah you kind of you kind of get that
feeling like you’re just destroyed
you’re like oh my god my life’s over oh
my god i’m in trouble yeah that happened
one time i remember it was me and noah
and we met up with uh
your first name tori
oh and her friend murat her house i know
what you’re talking about and then um so
we for some reason we like to like
because we set up the projector in my
grandma’s garage and [ __ ]
i’m [ __ ] sick yeah
i’m gonna get action from this chick
from the big screen dude no it was a
front to stay somewhere else besides my
parents so then we ride our bikes like
six [ __ ] miles dude i’ve rode my bike
miles yeah
[ __ ] and so i remember uh
so it takes like two but i don’t have a
phone i have an ipod touch so i gotta
wait till i get wi-fi so finally i get
the 18-digit hash code because they
never changed their original password to
get wi-fi and we’re sitting there where
i’m like i’m freaking out and so then my
dad i get a text
my dad where are you and i was like at
this point it’s late as [ __ ] it’s like
yeah it’s like it’s like one oh yeah and
we just got there because it took us two
hours to [ __ ] get there so then i
told my dad we’re getting ice cream by
and then
we [ __ ]
[ __ ] just
rolled out of the house i wrote it back
it took forever my dad took down the
[ __ ] projector all this [ __ ] goes
back he didn’t tell my mom
that’s real g moving though yeah i don’t
think he did and the thing is like as
like if i was waiting check down the
projector and stuff i thought you said
you went to her house yeah but we went
back to my grandma’s because we were
just getting ice cream and he never
actually knew about where we were oh i
see okay yeah which we never came back
with ice cream so it was kind of stupid
i ate it i ate it and i threw it away
you see it on my lips
but yeah that that and that was my
and thank god i learned that at a very
young age was it’s like if you’re
already screwed over dude and you’re
some like it’s like those memes when you
see when you’re in another town your
parents ask where the hell you’re at
you’re just like it’s like you might as
well just accept the concept because
you’re gonna have the consequences
regardless yeah they only go so far yeah
you might as well just do you think
you’re gonna be a good dad
do you think you’ll ever be a dad
yeah probably unfortunately
[Laughter]
i guess that’s what marriage is i feel
like i guess
i’ll marry a girl i guess do i have kids
i’ll have kids maybe i don’t but it
doesn’t matter we’ll still have them at
some point i guess
do you want to send them to college i
guess i’ll feed them i guess
i’ll go home and just
deer in headlights because i just work
my ass off and they hate me i guess
[ __ ]
i can’t even imagine but yes i probably
will be at some day yeah
no i’m not well i’d be weird i think i
think
overall i think i won’t be a good father
i mean you’re what you’re almost 26 now
yeah i’m yeah getting closer to third
dude it’s gonna be so weird when i’m
like dude happy 30th bro dude i’m gonna
kill myself so it’s not gonna happen i’m
gonna kill myself at 29.
actually after my dirty 30 i’ll kill
myself thirty third is what it is
thirty thirty
yeah what’s uh what’s over the hill
that’s 50 right
over the hill yeah when you made it over
that’s like 40. no over the hill is 50
that’s when you’re going down
you made it to the peak and then you’re
just 40 40 is like
the end of any type of youth you’re
holding on to like 30 like 30 is that
too i guess you could say you’re like
30s are fun whatever but like i would
say
like your prime base like your prime
your primary years like before you’re
like and everything starts to go down
it’s like after like your middle mid
thirties like now i start going to bed
at eight yeah that’s what that’s like
middle third mid mid thirties i wake up
early just want to enjoy a cup of coffee
like the thing is like
the thing with kids man it’s like i
would love to just be able to like can i
just have one at like 18
like they’re already 18. i just have
like a beer with actually
not still legal but can’t you there is
one thing jacob’s parents actually
played it well i mean not for a sense of
him keeping it in in his pants but in a
sense
because they didn’t care about that but
in a sense it’s like
my kids are going to want to drink
they’re going to want to do these things
regardless
if i
if i have this open door
to my home where i know they’re going to
be safe
then they’ll be like okay cool we’ll
just i’ll just do it at our house so
then they won’t be somewhere i don’t
know i think that’s a better option
because they’re gonna they’re gonna do
what we did if they hey jc thanks for
the assist yeah
thanks for the assistance yeah no my
parents dude i remember we had a few
people over at my house it was like will
boyd
terry jules team terry
and uh
i feel people over my and jake
i think cooper was there and it was like
we couldn’t have anyone over and i
remember you know the next day i’m
sprinting more than a lot of my lunch
break we clean everything up my dad
found three bottle caps i got grounded
for like two weeks he didn’t even know
what the [ __ ] happened
yeah it was like dead come on
yeah like one time i got caught drinking
mike’s hard lemonade in my room
[Laughter]
mike’s harder with dylan huntley
severson oh yes dylan you if dylan he
remembers so we’re in my room
and he like he was like dude should i
bring some mics all right i’m like i’m
like yeah because obviously we were
wrong we were obviously really young i’m
like dude yeah so he like you know you
remember how popular like the string
bags like with the yeah the laces were
super like six my cards and those
sweatshirts and i’m like dude let’s get
this [ __ ] lit dude and so we’re like
we’re just watching a movie like we’re
just chilling just and so my parents go
to bed and we’re just like i’m just like
yeah bottoms up we’re drinking i guess
so we drink a couple and then my dad
walks in because i i thought he would
knock first but he just walked in i’m
like [ __ ]
he walks in and so i just it’s i just
play it off i’m just like
it’s unlimited i’m like what’s up he’s
like
what are you guys drinking i’m like
lemonade
and obviously like he already knew he’s
just like can i talk to you for a second
like
[ __ ]
he’s and then he pulls me he’s like what
are you drinking he’s like he’s drinking
alcohol i’m like
obviously at this point i’m like it’d be
i just look stupider if i just continue
to lie i’m just like because he can just
go look at the ball yeah he could just
go look so i’m like i’m like it’s i’m
like yeah we’re drinking a couple mikes
our lemonades i’m like god i’m like yeah
we are like it’s just me i don’t we’re
[ __ ] getting it
like it’s just we’re gonna [ __ ] after
this he’s like he’s like you you know
better than he’s like i i don’t even
know what’s it needs to come on i’m like
dude it’s just me and dylan i’m like
come on i’m like what’s having a couple
drinks jesus it’s not like we’re having
a couple drinks
you’re [ __ ] like talking to your wife
i just had a couple drinks yeah we’re
like [ __ ] 50 i’m just having a couple
drinks you know
you wet the poor oh [ __ ] night
[ __ ] mob wives big ange
my boy i’ve never watched my mother
watch mob wives no dude big ange was big
angs dude who is she like a jersey chick
dude she was like if you needed to hide
the gun she’d put it in her butt dude
like she was real big age mob wives you
were that’s where the rat thing came
from
my father no he wasn’t a rat but your
father
dude they were just and then they pull
each other’s hair talk about how you
have no class [ __ ] yeah well they
[ __ ] smoke on a camel straight or a
winston
jack jake smoked winston’s
who jake brown winston sometimes
he pulled out a pack of winston’s one
time i’m like dude this is it’s like you
obviously saw like an older person like
one time my brother gave me like
cigarillos you remember those like it’s
like yeah
yeah and then you like they were like
grape earlier yeah and i like stored
them in like this [ __ ] secret spot
and then i had some friends going to my
dude
oh god okay so
there was uh so [ __ ] bad yeah we
should be dead but there was thing
called triple c’s
it was cortisone cough and cold and you
could well you know what was so funny
every time we went to the thing is i i
i figured out the amounts and how it
would work perfectly for me
you took five at first you took five
cough and cold medicine yeah you took
like five
and then you get like that little oh
okay something’s happening i gotta admit
man that was one of the most [ __ ] up
times i’ve ever been was on [ __ ] yeah
me too 100 100 yeah and i remember so
bad for you too i remember we’d go to
walmart
and we’d buy 10 packs of them and then i
remember i was being like okay let’s
like cough up and go up there
so we’d be like
hi i remember a fourth of july time like
we went to like
cody’s
and
we like walked to the store
with or we went to the store with riley
because i told riley about it dude let’s
get him like all right all right bet and
so we go over there we get a baby i
don’t remember the entire like i woke up
the next day
i remember the night but like there’s a
lot of it i don’t even remember dude
i’m not even kidding you and i i was
like [ __ ] 17 dude no but dude like
teen maybe maybe
i hope you have my i have my back on
this or i’m gonna look like an idiot
you and i have done
a lot of things in our lives
that feeling was so like
like you’re so [ __ ] yeah it was it it
was it was like [ __ ] up yeah it was
like a like blank canvas dude it was
just like yeah you can’t even speak we
spun your entire wardrobe in the lawn
yep
that big armoire
okay i gotta tell the story so me and
him pop all these triple c’s by the way
do not you can literally die from this
do not do it it literally kills livers
it’s like popping ten nyquils it’s
[ __ ] horrible
anyways we pop all these triple c’s and
then it gets this point where you can’t
feel your legs and you feel like you’re
floating yeah because you can’t feel
like how you’re walking yeah and so then
z’s like remember remember you’re the
white board and [ __ ] you’re like dude i
don’t like this armor i don’t like
because no my dad said i might because i
was getting another one that’s why he
went but it was so big and heavy and
there’s so many components you were just
like let’s do it now sooner or later he
said you guys have he’s like can you
guys take no he’s like
he’s like you guys it was like 500
pounds no i know he’s like hey
that thing’s gonna have to go to the
burn pile over this flop it over there
and i’m like flop it over like roll like
get it out of the house go soup and then
just like roll it how did we get it
through the house i don’t know i don’t
remember it it was rivers were coming
out no because there were so many
remember there was so many pieces to it
it was like a really old armor that had
like a table that folded out of it it
was all wood out of one piece of wood it
was crazy
off of it
the craftsmanship in that thing was off
their hearts it was that was [ __ ]
picasso [ __ ] yeah and anyways so we
flopped that across the lawn and i
remember my dad was like
they were because we would just be
[ __ ] up around them we didn’t care
how did they not maybe either we’re just
really good or they’re really dumb no
well for that it’s like there’s no signs
you know there’s no like when you’re not
smoking we don’t smell there’s no red
eyes i’m saying they just probably
thought we were being stupid
yeah and so
we also like dance on the porch and like
you were hanging out with my sister the
whole time so
yeah um do you remember uh do you
remember the uh
remember she you know shaylee was like
three or four there was that little baby
cup that had little penguin on it and we
just were dying yeah for like an hour
straight yeah yeah dude i remember that
was the first time because we were
listening to uh we’re listening to lil
wayne’s popular you’re like
no i remember what song was it was a it
was a race remembered song um no i
was like no it was i promise because i’m
it was about a screwed up i’m a pothead
generally at the base of the beach i’m
like
no i’m going to show you i remember i
thought it was popular it was a race
armored song
but anyways
you know what’s crazy
i know i don’t remember the the name of
the movie but the movie watched that
night it was the um
ed helms like andy bernard from
the office it was him in like the family
went on vacation remember that clip with
the guy that’s waving the kid that’s
waving at the girl and the guy put the
little brother puts a bag over his head
yeah yeah it was that movie that was the
movie we were watching i remember
i remember at the peak of that we
started walking watching drugs inc and
then i looked and they’re like we’re
never doing this again
god that was bad yeah i feel like we i
feel like we uh
found ourselves no i feel like we uh
indulge too much in those stories but
it’s okay
it’s a patreon so [ __ ] it [ __ ] it more
at 45. but yeah uh
that was something i’ll give you that
that was definitely something um
interesting
but yeah uh
what a time to be alive and it feels
good
where’s me and mine yeah are you talking
teams
are you talking teams you’re not gonna
go along with it so i’ll just shut up
well i didn’t i was just waiting for you
i got some pretty big rings that’s a
really nice thing um thank you guys it’s
been a hell of a ride so far we’re happy
to make it here
jack where can they find you they can
find me at jack underscore spencer
they can find me at isaiah underscore
lesney on instagram or both of our
instagram pages on the around the launch
table instagram page um but yeah a lot
of exciting things coming guys the
trains coming hot you better get on choo
choo you better get on so uh thank you
guys for listening to our first paid
episode it’s been a hell of a ride
there’s gonna be a lot more to come
there’s gonna be a lot more cool things
and the hot ones episode is basically
done for the most part right
i you know what we’re just going to drop
it because i was supposed to go through
it jordan kind of half-assed it it was
okay
but okay so we have it so that one’s
also going to come out and that one’s
actually going to come up tomorrow yeah
so in this one yeah so we have a lot of
interesting things coming we need a
little bit of a transition period before
we started this whole thing everything’s
going on and we’re gonna yeah we’ve had
a lot of things going on good and bad
busy lives busy good and bad so because
like we needed like a week well actually
we didn’t even need a week it just took
a week because
there’s a lot of there’s a lot of
unfortunate to be honest the patreon
didn’t take that long it was there was a
lot of unforeseen circumstances but yeah
but we’re we’re we’re going to go
forward we’re back and we’re back and
we’re getting back on our normal
schedule the comeback is greater than
the setback and god often gives his
toughest battles to his strongest
soldiers you can feed us to the wolves
and we will return leading the pack just
remember that but yeah
thank you guys for listening it’s been
so much fun can’t wait to see you next
week and see ya
