#39 Would you be a good pirate

Episode 39

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J & Z talk about pirates, and other shit
do it i think you looked good either way
but thanks
yeah yeah yeah i’m just saying like okay
i’m not that short but i’m saying it’s
gonna be short saying i’m sick of it and
even if it went all the way it still
would look [ __ ] weird it’s not gonna
look good yeah i feel that i don’t have
the face for it and like the head i
think you have the lips for it
definitely that has nothing to do we do
have some big ones
but i’m just saying
big old lips well first and foremost i’d
like to take this time to talk about the
extinction of the western baldness
dolphin guys this is a precedent event
there are oil spills there are so many
things happening and if you give us
a dollar
then we’ll tell you we’ll not tell you
where it goes but like it’s going to a
good cause because we said so it is and
i just do you think people can do that
like they can like be like oh donate now
like because you really do you really
don’t know where your money’s going i
believe it’s called fraud and that’s uh
yeah but i’m saying i think that like a
company could
like do that and you get like whatever
they they could like pawn it off as they
did give it to that but they really
didn’t yeah it probably happens all the
time i mean you know why why the [ __ ] do
people have
charity events and [ __ ] i mean i i do
want to talk about like the extinction
of the bottlenose dolphin who would who
would be like this who would be the
expert on it’s the western ball-nosed
dolphin oh there’s a bottlenose ballnose
ball nose so he’s got like a ball gag on
yeah yeah who what what is that an
that does what
like okay so say you want to talk about
there’s marine biologists not just maybe
photographers maybe it’s some marines
pornographers maybe it’s a marine
biological i’m saying
if you have this problem of the
extinction of a dolphin who do you call
not the ghostbusters no how many is do
you think you could name like all all of
just all of this i just i yeah i
probably could name quite a few i
wouldn’t be able to write them all off
right away
but a geologist an oncologist an
oceanologist a white paleontologist why
are all uh why are all
archaeology i can’t even [ __ ] say it
hey welcome back to who gives a [ __ ]
why are all dude why are all
archaeologists must be the wrong dude
you’re having a stroke yeah why are all
archaeologists women
why they’re so good at digging [ __ ] up
uh first and foremost we’re just hopping
in this episode one we took a couple
weeks off but because
patreon yeah coming out monday yes it’s
a huge exciting thing and uh we have had
a little bit of a hiatus because we took
a break and then yesterday we’re gonna
do a sabbatical sabbatical yesterday
we’re gonna do one but we’ve had some uh
extenuating circumstances
that uh were unfortunate and uh
yeah we had a lot of [ __ ] going on i
guess i could just summarize it that way
not good [ __ ] but we’re gonna say good
[ __ ] it happens uh happens but yeah for
now like anything else we’re pressing on
yes pressing on moving forward so uh a
little late to the ads and [ __ ] here
shout out to
aperture ocean
aperture ocean productions bring ads and
ideas to life uh shout out cascadia
pizza where’s the thing i didn’t even do
an intro i know we’re just going it’s
just fluent so hey this this is this the
first episode which is what number 39
39. so this isn’t we we’ve never had an
episode of that intro and honestly i’m
okay with it we can exactly [ __ ] it [ __ ]
it [ __ ] it [ __ ] so here’s okay so like
you know how oh sorry okay uh just want
to finish the patreon thing uh patreon
patreon.com you’re on the lunch table we
have a patreon already bam we’re brianna
thanks i don’t know how you found out
because we didn’t post anything about it
but you did it you should just go and
you’re hot for it and we love to see it
thank you love to see you love you so
patreon.com around the lunch table
again all the episodes like normal are
when you guys hear this episode you
patrons out there will be getting
another episode because you’ll be
getting the next ones a week early and
the hot ones episodes done so bam taking
a little bit of time but it’s done yeah
around the lunch table shout out jordan
i’ll buy a shout out aperture oceans for
giving us that around the lunch table
after dark that one’s coming out boom so
one thing i want to bring up after dark
there’s twerking there’s ones there’s
stripper poles this is not where you
take your kids it’s not where you take
your families this is not a good a good
spot to be
this is the place where you’re kind of
like you know you you walk through the
door and you look behind your shoulders
it’s like the adult shop on a tuesday
popping with truck drivers and hordes
uh so speaking of like dolphins and [ __ ]
uh we had someone tell us this weekend
that i just had to bring up
so many questions so so many questions
so uh i don’t know why we’re talking
about bears but the bears
shout out to all the bears
the bears uh we were
sorry i don’t know what was going on i
don’t know
um so we were we were talking about
we were talking about bears
i couldn’t help but not but my bed
someone moans i got them on back
sometimes you just kind of moan one out
you know i’ve done it actually like
literally like have you ever been like
at work like you’re like you’re lifting
something like
not as in like what i’m saying like
you’re just breathing and it’s kind of
like oh it’s like a groan but like
you’re like that’s you did not just do a
but it sounds kind of like a moment
no that’s not what the first one you
just did if we play that back the first
one was
i don’t moan in my spare time i’m just
saying like have you ever incent like
unintentionally like
no okay it’s this is what it should be
like and you’re like okay yeah because
that type of moment is only if you put a
little error obviously if i’m saying
i’ve like
like if you’re or stressed out like one
time i was like stressed out at work and
like i’m just like i have so much time i
played i’m just like on the phone with
like my boss i’m just like i just don’t
okay yeah that and i just like was just
like did you just moan i’m like i don’t
know what the [ __ ] i just did
anyways what are you saying about the
bears oh the bears have you ever like
told your boss to love you bye on
i no i i suck i accidentally i said [ __ ]
you bye before
no okay i didn’t say that i accidentally
the gm in vegas but i meant to text
aaron i was like love you honey i’ll be
home soon and then he didn’t find it
oh i see you’re saying it’s like a joke
yeah like i’ve had boss bro no i didn’t
i was close enough with that i did that
but no i’m saying i did it on accident
complete accident oh i see i thought you
meant that’s a joke like for funny [ __ ]
oh no um you know i mean i think this is
hilarious we think this is hilarious
it’s like because i feel like it’s it’s
a lost art i feel like the whole
people used to say bussies a lot like
obviously [ __ ] if you don’t know what
bussy is it’s it’s because there’s a
[ __ ] obviously and a bussy is your
butthole [ __ ] it’s so they call it they
call it a [ __ ] and here’s the thing
i’ve heard one today and i’ve never
heard this before
it was yesterday excuse me i was at work
and one of my this co-worker was just
he was like you know
he’s [ __ ] like
there’s [ __ ] that’s probably the
funniest one i’ve heard that’s why i
like i call people’s buttholes [ __ ]
because it’s [ __ ] holy it sounds
hilarious but this one was the thing
this one’s just this one’s up there too
and he was just telling the story and
he’s a funny [ __ ] guy and he was like
and they were all talking about some
[ __ ] just sexual
dirty [ __ ] or something about like their
wives or something like that he was like
you know what he’s like you know i’ve
never been an ass guy he’s like you know
i’ve never really ventured there he’s
like i’ve never had the need to he’s
like but one night like you know i
had a couple drinks and we going we
we’re doing our thing he’s like
and i just flipped her over and just
stuck it in her buchi
like kuchi babuchi that’s good
and then he was like talking about like
eating her ass and stuff and i was just
like oh my god he was like you know i
i just stuck my face in there like it
was a fresh patch of petunias just just
needed to sniff and i was [ __ ] dying
boochie just [ __ ]
it’s just really [ __ ] funny i’ve
never heard buchi before
that’s funny as [ __ ] the uh speaking of
boochies that actually ties perfectly
into our
gucci collab dude yeah butthole gucci
hats the gucci [ __ ] collab the bucci
the butchie
you tried i tried um
so it actually it’s a perfect segue to
to our bear segment of the hour uh so
jordan was telling us so we’re talking
about hybrid hibernating bears and by
the way he’s 100 serious he’s like oh
yeah dude did you know that bears eat
moss and twigs that they clog up their
butt holes so that way when they’re
hibernating they don’t [ __ ] or fart and
then stink up the cave
and then okay here’s the discomfort the
other bear the clogging part makes sense
but like the item
the bear doesn’t want to smell up the
kids they’re animals they don’t give a
[ __ ]
they don’t care they stick their [ __ ]
whole faces and run carcasses they don’t
care yeah that’s not but the thing is
that might be true in terms of they eat
things to clog their body like at the
same time i feel like it’s not at some
point with him it’s like there’s so many
things he knows
i’m gonna be either you have albert
einstein’s iq or you’re bullshitting
half of these
you know what i mean it’s just there’s
too many variables it was i actually
believed the moss and stick part but
then like that logic of it it made sense
because they’re hibernating for so long
but like i didn’t well because then they
stink up their cage yeah and then the
other bears aren’t gonna like that also
don’t hibernate in [ __ ] groups other
that’s their cubs they’re hibernating
like [ __ ] wolves all together
there’s just like a bat just hanging
upside down what would you do if you saw
like if you walked in my room and i’m
just like hanging upside upside down
like a bat close my door say good night
good answer
let the man do his business yeah you
ever seen that like american horror
story [ __ ] and we we watched one weird
i’ve never ever gotten and then she’s
like aaron loves that yeah she’s like
[ __ ] the demon and [ __ ] and it’s like
dude that was [ __ ] up who are these
writers okay yeah okay there’s an
american this is like it’s it’s like a
new thing what’s going on like a new
episode and the girl [ __ ] this big
creature demon it’s like those it was
fail it was the creature it’s like those
porn ads when you see a [ __ ]
dark elf animated thing or [ __ ] this
bit i’m like who watches that or it’s
lowest quality you’re just going to town
on snapchat who watches it i need to
there’s obviously a market there is
in pornhub and they need to give some
more specific statistics because
they need to censor these ads because
when i go to a porn site i want to see
good family friendly ads no about that
too i want to see you know i don’t want
to see [ __ ] make bull i don’t want to
see orcs and elves [ __ ] i just you
know who who clicks on that who sees
human beings and like wow that [ __ ]
you know that’s kind of hot yeah who
sees all the thumbnails and then chooses
the cartoon yeah ooh it’s like an orc
okay obviously
probably not now but when you were a lot
younger you know would be like
choose your sex male female and then
you’d click it and then it would be like
tiny boobs big boobs biggest boobs
biggest boobs and so you go through the
entire thing of making this
time there i never did no no but you go
through the entire thing and making your
character then it’s that then you’re
just praying it’s not gonna happen at
the very end it’s like must be 18 year
old or older please put in your credit
card to confirm your you’re like
thinking that you would just get that
yeah i was like no
yeah that’s [ __ ] how big do you want
your [ __ ] to be two four eight
i think that well that i got that from
my grand theft auto when i was younger i
was like i’m going to strip club and i’m
getting some ass dude you ever
i mean
there’s nothing like one of those summer
nights with your [ __ ] out you know going
into the strip club and you just pulled
a high so you got money yeah you find
that girl that’s been looking at you the
whole time
and you close your door grab a tube sock
here’s the thing i never did that the
sock thing never did it i have never
understood why that’s a thing
you could just wipe it up do you know
who that trevor walls guy is
yeah yeah so he has a podcast called uh
uh dry saw no sticky socks
or no it was uh
um it’s something like that and
they were actually on the basement yard
and they no [ __ ] they interviewed him
and he they asked him how he got the
name and he said it like
he kind of had some like thespianism to
him where he was like oh
it came to me in a dream like not
actually just trying to be funny yeah
but um i had a friend who did the whole
sock thing but it’s like i don’t want to
put my what is it
an actor
that’s what it is it’s called
thespianism i believe but like people i
could be so they call them lesbians
because the 300 the movie i don’t know i
think he randomly he’s like or gives you
give it to the thespians and i’m like
what is a thespian yeah i believe it’s
like in the olden times like who would
act out i see a tunnel
yeah rose
yeah um
i gotta say dad that was
that was that was pretty good and then
she and then she tries to do it because
she’s inspired and gets [ __ ] heated
down the [ __ ] stairs [ __ ] and then
she’s like he’s like heather i thought
you were dead she’s like i learned from
the best like everything’s okay i just
got my spine broken yeah then there’s
i’m gonna play this there’s a bear
eating a raccoon in the kitchen while
we’re having this heart to heart like
i i that’s another thing i hate about
superhero movies i hate when they’re
like i saw a thing about this or is even
like in the hobbit like two of the main
characters meet up everyone’s fighting
around and then they’re like hey hey
glad you made it yeah it’s like dude
it’s like dude any one of these 30 bad
guys could just go yeah
it never happens i want a movie where
that happens dude i want a movie where
they just get [ __ ] up for being stupid
yeah i also like i’m sorry who’s your
favorite avenger
i mean i think about this conversation
iron man i like him
that’s a good call yeah i mean i feel
like that’s everyone’s answers you could
just because he’s badass you could he is
you could you can kind of be iron man
maybe i mean i don’t know you can be you
can not a billionaire philanthropist no
but you can be you can be uh you could
be robert downey syndrome
you got that from that clown guy today
didn’t you yeah
oh that was funny robert downey said
what’s that guy in that video and he’s
he’s at like comic-con or somewhere he’s
like what are you he’s like i’m the
riddler obviously he’s like how long did
it take you to make that suit he’s like
four months like four months he’s like
yeah he’s like if you spent that much
time talking to chicks you probably
wouldn’t be a virgin
the guy that this interview is over i
don’t get like okay the cosplay thing
like i get dressing up i think it’s cool
i just don’t have the energy to ever do
that my [ __ ] life is an idea i mean
this is what i’ve always wondered okay
so all i think they [ __ ] knows and
that’s the thing it’s a thing is that it
it’s that’s not what i was going to ask
sorry okay
but close
i want to know so
you always see it’s like i now have uh
megatron’s battle torn helmets
you know and it’s like okay so okay and
they invest money in it it’s like oh i
paid five thousand dollars for the set
there’s like five of them you know and
they’re all posing and they take these
pictures right all we see is the
pictures okay right yeah we just see
pictures of the cosplayers taking
pictures like oh i’m batman i’m robin
i’m freaking carly freaking quinn
what do they do after the pictures
i don’t [ __ ] know do they act out
scenes or do they just like hang like we
would right here but they’re in [ __ ]
i think that’s they just hang out
because they put a lot into it and so
they want to stay in it as long as
possible so all it is is for the picture
it’s just for the gram
and then oh you’re talking about the
people that like are just at home that
do this no i’m saying like i’m not at
comic con or something because you’re
walking you’re walking around yeah i’m
saying you take the pictures but you
walk i’m not saying comic-con i’m saying
the people at home who do this they take
a picture with like the little group of
and then what yeah you go to the bar
yeah downtown like hey thor yeah
the god of thunder yeah like what the
[ __ ] like i don’t i don’t i’m not trying
to hate because it’s like everyone’s got
we all spend [ __ ] on what other people
would think is stupid you know what i
mean and then maybe they don’t think
it’s stupid but we think it’s stupid
same thing but it’s just there’s just
like a
do you have a job
yeah if they i don’t get it if they knew
we spent a hundred dollars on a valerian
skin they said call us idiots but you
know what it looks cool like i get it i
just they think they look cool which is
cool you can have yeah yeah that’s great
i just i just want to know when you’re
in your 40s and you’re wearing spider
bands pajamas
yeah i don’t understand and like some of
them invest like thousands of dollars
and [ __ ] yeah it’s like oh i got this
[ __ ] no
hyuns jet
yeah i i’m all for that hyun supremacy
yeah i’m all for that yeah yeah that was
that was nice yeah
now you’re being texas yeah
what i understand is the people when
they dress up
and then like
they’ll like put on like an acting thing
and actually like be like oh
you mortals and they’ll like actually do
it that’s so cringey we’re like
renaissance fair people oh my goodness
well they live there and it’s like dude
you guys are eating [ __ ] chicken with
your hands that’s awesome and that’s
awesome yeah but like you don’t have to
and they’ll go to like [ __ ] red robin
after all in their night and i like how
all the girls just girls are hard for
the king and it’s just like all he did
was it’s like
it’s like this is a [ __ ] middle
school play you [ __ ] but some people
like take it seriously like the knights
code chivalry and when you know chivalry
is dead and i think it’s a deficit on
that i would 100
100 respect it and be fine with it if
they actually killed each other
yeah if they use real swords i bet do it
do it i’d be like you can use children
you can’t just pretend to have you know
what i mean it’s just weird
and then like they have like the battles
you know and then like like did all
those kids not have all those people
that have childhoods i don’t understand
i mean i’m guessing what was that movie
with uh
um the kid from superbad and he was in
the renaissance fair
oh yeah yeah yeah
no it was not
remember they had a role model stifler
it was stifler from wedding crashers oh
yeah yeah he was the guy that had oh he
was the guy that had the little black
kid never mind it was paul rudd
that’s what it was paul rudd great guy
yeah the uh i don’t
would do you think you’d get into the
big brother program
remember that same route where it was
like uh do you know what i’m talking
about no he was talking about getting
into the big brother program and so he
made it to like round three and they
were like give
an example of a of uh
of like a bad
big brother and he’s like you mean a
so they’re like we we meant impatient
it’s always like someone who’s not yeah
yeah and so then he was all like he was
like well yeah that is what a pedophile
is the inpatient’s to wait until they’re
that’s [ __ ] good that’s funny um yeah
he also talked about pedo do you ever
see him beau burnham did that song it’s
called new math it’s like that was a
while back he did it but he’s like
like girls are like a math obviously
he’s not a [ __ ] creep it’s a [ __ ]
up joke but it’s [ __ ] hilarious and
and hey don’t [ __ ] cancel me because
this is somebody else’s that’s why i
said bo burnham but um
these are not my words
um when you’re doing math he’s like
singing the song he’s like you’re doing
and you’re multiplying number or like
you’re trying to find the sum of numbers
if it’s under 13 just do them in your
because think about because like when
you’re doing a multiplication like 12
times 12 144 or something and so on so
forth but after i’m kidding subtle flex
of arithmetic yeah yeah i’m saying
anything over 12 you’re like oh [ __ ] i
don’t know about that one but like
that’s like like 18 times 18 i don’t
know yeah i don’t know
if i thought about 9 times 9 is 81. you
said 18 times 18. yeah so one way that’s
six carry the four yeah
carry the one draw the skateboard
why the [ __ ] did we ever learn cursive i
was so proud that i was really i had
actually really neat cursive why did i
need to waste time knowing that
i’ve never had to use it other than my
signature yeah i just do a big curse of
j with something but at the same time
you can scribble it and they’ll accept
it as whatever it is the only time it
didn’t get accepted my signature one
time was at h m and i had to sign and i
just put a smiley face and they like
pulled me to this what do you think
what’s the letter stand for hit or miss
on h m what are the letters stand for
hit or miss that’s a good one it’s
either a really good outfit or it’s a
bad outfit
i think h m had some good [ __ ]
yeah it’s definitely it was around the
yeezus phase the yeezy phase you know
with the extended tease
the [ __ ] you know
like when it was a lot of monocoque is
it like hollister and something else
no it’s i was just guessing i don’t
think i should look it up no my phone’s
charging over there oh h m hats and
magus no
hoes and muffs yeah hoes and muffs
i was in muffs
no muff too tough
no no see too rough no muff too tough
that’s great yeah no see too tough no
rep i’m rooting toot and shooting
been around the world twice spoke to
everyone once
that’s actually that’s a 6a it’s a sexy
it is
the do you think you’re a profound
i think i’m my mom answer honestly i
think i have my moments yeah that’s a
good answer i think i sometimes think
i’m more profound than i am i think
that’s a common thing but like i do the
same thing i think i’m like profound but
i’m like i’m actually a little bit
perfect you have a lot of good
one-liners and a lot of people think
you’re funny um it is funny last year
one thing isn’t funny that’s not true um
um only people who hate me don’t i mean
if you went to uh and that line
stretches around the block too
see what i mean you can’t teach what i
yeah oh by the way speaking of it or
this isn’t on topic at all um speaking
of nothing on the topic
welcome back to who gives us [ __ ] um so
there’s a cookie monster in the uk
and i didn’t know this i actually saw
this on uber fax on twitter and i had to
look it up because i thought it was
[ __ ] amazing and it’s the biscuit
monster monster and he has a fancy hat
and he says me a lot when i say me it’s
like don’t touch me biscuits
i’m assuming he says me like that
because he says me i’m saying but that
the saying would be like
like a pirate instead of mine
you know what i mean kind of thing
compared to walkie the plank like what
is it’s kind of i i don’t know what it
sounds like but it would be really funny
within english you had a chance to be a
pirate in the old times did you do it
yeah oh my god drinking rum all day and
then just dude
dude pulling up to the galapagos and
just clapping jigs just a [ __ ] like
but the thing is okay the [ __ ] up
thing is in that time it’s it’s all rape
they just would pull up and [ __ ] people
which is [ __ ] up at the same time yeah
but it was also it’s also the best round
at the old any time that’s like before
1900s like that was the best time to be
a criminal because like
it’s all like okay we saw this guy here
we have this dude who drew you with a
and maybe the marshals will find you so
if unless you’re an idiot you’re not
gonna get caught yeah and also like wow
you cut all your hair and you shave your
beard you’re never gonna get caught
you’re wearing a hat with some glasses
yeah you can’t catch you’re never gonna
get caught so that’s everything i’m
actually surprised people did back then
and it would actually be shitty because
it’s like if you get caught you didn’t
do it
it’s like
you can’t prove your innocence yeah but
they can’t prove you’re actually guilty
i don’t know it’s it’s all like
eyewitness accounts so if
a bunch of people wanted someone dead
they get like he killed my son
okay well they don’t have finger but
they don’t have [ __ ] to look
look what he did
literally and it’s [ __ ] crazy because
they were not like what about the the
best thing about like being a pirate is
that like i love how they have like 20
guns because they only only have one
shot so it’s like
toss it
i think the reloading of it would be
kind of sick i mean in mid battle though
not in battle you don’t have 45 to 50
seconds while the [ __ ] the british
are aggroing
that’s how you know like anyone in that
time it’s like that’s [ __ ] crazy
because i’m saying like yeah you took a
shot but i’m saying
you’re fighting with [ __ ] swords dude
that’s [ __ ] nuts like can you imagine
like here’s the thing
i want i would love to be a pirate
because i would first of all dress up
identical to jack sparrow oh dude the
eyeliner like the number one thing if i
was a pirate what i would want to do
is like first of all execute somebody
with like the sword whack the plank and
if it’s not that like when two ships are
and then do the anchor hooks and then
swing across with my musket
and then
looks like i’m just twerking my ass
i do i i i think is funny is like so
you’re on the open ocean like yeah
you’re gonna see them
like that
awkward yeah they’re just waiting
the funniest part there they are they
were just like
oh the wind’s going that way yeah
it’s like well they’ll be here in t
minus five minutes probably so everyone
just kind of chill for a minute get your
last drinks in
hey so they’ll be here i don’t know by
sundown maybe and then dude but like the
[ __ ] i like the funniest part is like
because i’m saying like is when like an
enemy ship would be chasing one of them
because it’s like chasing
and they’re all going so slow but that’s
like the wind if you’re ahead
if you’re ahead already and your ship’s
like fast like you’re never going to get
caught and so they’re going to stay the
same distance but until you go and
you’re just like
yeah yeah it’s well it’s like you can’t
go anywhere where they don’t know unless
they decide okay [ __ ] this it’s not
worth it and then go where like i’m
saying where are they going unless they
decide [ __ ] it we’re not doing this
anymore if they just decide they really
want you they’re just gonna follow you
wherever you go that’s like walking on
the sidewalk and like in an open parking
lot and you can only walk and someone’s
following you yeah and you’re just like
i’m just like they’re gonna fight
they’re just gonna but they’re gonna get
your tea tobacco sugar and spices either
way do you think that
if you were to walk the plank
yeah like how long do you think you’d
survive like dragon water the thing is
i’d do the return of the jedi
i’d jump
go back up grab my sword and then just
go back up oh the ball
but the thing is there’s like a bunch to
just shoot you
they would just kill you they have one
shot i mean i’m gonna take it there’s a
bunch of dudes i’m saying it’s me versus
the sharks i’m saying they throw you
over like
dude don’t they usually like put some
like big weighted balls on your ankles
we’ll usually just tie your like hands
and or or they just throw you off
because it’s open ocean it’s like you’re
[ __ ] anyways and we want you to like
suffer i mean if you found like a
drifting piece of beechwood
come on
or you know you could get to oh i mean
like how long could you tread in water
without how long before you give up is
what you’re saying just like [ __ ] i’m
just gonna i think well if i didn’t have
anything to float on i’m gonna do like
the back thing and just float control my
breathing and just kind of float and i
could do that for a while but it’s like
at some point i’m gonna imagine when he
got sharks
oh my god that would i would drown
i couldn’t do that i couldn’t do that is
there a way to kill yourself without
because if you hold your breath just
pass out right
you drown yourself no i’m saying
you can’t you don’t kill yourself you
just drown oh i’m saying you’re in an
empty room or no you’re just
you hold your breath here you pat oh i
see you’re saying yeah if you hold your
breath you just pass out but okay i
would just bash my head against okay say
you know you’re about to be interrogated
so much pain you’re gonna die afterwards
anyways and you want to kill yourself
you’re tied up like can you just hold
your breath no you’ll just pass out
if you’re able to actually hold it long
enough because usually you’ll give in to
like breathe your cerebellum will kick
the cerebellum is what does the that’s
why you don’t have to think about when
you’re breathing
i remember as like a kid sometimes i’d
like when i was sleeping i’d start
thinking about breathing and then i’d be
like oh no i have to control it and i’d
freak out and be like
it makes no sense
okay but no like i’m saying like there’s
not a way to kill yourself is there like
could you like if you’re tied up and
seeing a chair yeah there’s really
nothing like i just do this and try to
snipe well if i’m in a chair okay here’s
the thing i already have one
wobble wobble wobble you get that on the
be painful but you could do it [ __ ] and
then you bleed out like it’s gonna be
worse than that torture when a [ __ ]
when an interrogation officer comes in
with some jumper cables and a cord of
motor oil you know you’re right yeah
it’s like
good time to be honest
depending on what you’re into it yes you
know i’m not i’m not here to judge yeah
so like say you’re like one of those
guys is in like pain and you’re getting
interrogated i’ve never understood that
yeah but it’s like a hot that’s a
different type of pain
i mean you could try to be like when
you’re actually getting [ __ ] like
[ __ ] up it’s different than like oh
this hurts
because it’s in a sexual situation
that’s weird that like prisoners of war
and [ __ ] would just get like their
[ __ ] thingies chopped off and [ __ ]
yeah do you remember black ops one when
you had to uh
when when you’re playing russian
roulette they’re like you and then you
look at him yeah
yeah yeah yeah but there’s only one
bullet in russian roulette that’s why it
was kind of an unbelievable scene
because it’s like i hope when i point to
this guy and pull the trigger this yeah
it’s like you’re just like you [ __ ]
yeah and then you’re dead yeah this is
just a [ __ ] blank yeah yeah
it can a blank if you put it up to your
head it’ll still kill you though right
because of the
i believe if you take if you put it in
your temple maybe
it’s not like a spot in the back of the
head that you can just pop someone they
die no
not with your hand maybe if you had a
[ __ ] bat you can kill anyone in the
head i’m just saying but like there’s
not a specific spot there’s like under
here it’s like a tender spot but like
your temples are like the things say say
you’re in a fight like wha what is your
first move you’re just punching him like
in the nose just right in the face as
hard as you can i’m waiting for him to
punch first i’m countering so he so he
opens up wow
that’s good probably
yeah i think i mean that or just like
all right well or don’t protect your
face and i’ll just [ __ ] talk do you
think a 2v1 is unfair yeah it’s a it’s
this hand-to-hand bro it’s it’s unfair
it’s a hand [ __ ] yeah it’s unfair of
course but i’m saying if you were one
that overcame that you’re a [ __ ]
certified badass remember trial by
combat it was like hey so i know that
you [ __ ] murdered this village but if
you beat our best warrior that was a big
well it’s like an alpha male thing
yeah it doesn’t excuse you of the crime
you’re this badass we won’t yeah if
you’re you know if you’re this good i
mean we can’t let you know
it’s like hey if you beat this guy i
mean we just ran into one of the greats
like we’ll just let you go yeah also but
i feel like afterwards they’re gonna
like if you win they’re gonna take you
to the [ __ ] army booth
the us army wants you this is unrelated
but like do you think
that like detectives that look up like
cases and kidnappings or just whatever
like they’ve done it so many times
no but they’re kind of desensitized to
it and they kind of like look at a case
like oh wait wait it was done it’s like
dude this guy’s a [ __ ] pro
i’m pretty sure they do like i was
watching this show one time
and true crime is huge and they’re like
this show one time i think it was like
csi or something
and this like this lady was like with
her daughter
and like she was in the garden or
something and the little kid was on the
20 feet behind her and she like
literally like hi honey and then she’s
like planting flowers or whatever
whatever middle-aged wives do because
they’re bored
complaining and then she was she was on
the phone literally was like turned
around for maybe 35 40 seconds and turn
around she’s gone
like her little kid just got taken i’m
pro and
i i don’t think it’s any offense toward
the mom it’s like you ran into one of
the greats yeah you know it’s like it’s
not your fault
do you think detectives do that though
like like when they’re all like
investigating they’re just like dude
this guy is [ __ ] good
yeah this guy’s good he knows what he’s
doing the the problem with like the
whole true crime [ __ ] now like you just
get desensitized to it it’s like that
and porn and everything and it’s like
like the fact you can get desensitized
to anything that’s a fact i mean i feel
like our generation is like i like
imagine like our grandfather
seeing one of those it was a darken
storm and the captain said little john
tell us the story and this is the story
that little john told
um shout out to pop spence yeah
uh do you remember the gurgle gurgles
yeah with the lightning yeah yes i do
bro he made the slavic’s cry and then
their parents came over and talked it
wasn’t even it’s a story i could not
imagine as a parent being like hey i’m
gonna go talk to this other parent
because he told a scary story it’s like
kids these days are doing a lot of drugs
like at least they’re not doing that
yeah but like what i’m saying about like
imagine like showing your grandfather
like one of those ads of the ogre just
[ __ ] an elf
like he’s going to be like what the [ __ ]
but the thing is like we’re just like
where’s the xbox dude it’s known that
like in like the 70s and 80s
like the porn industry was just the most
[ __ ] up
insane lawless [ __ ] place it still is
not like no it’s not even close there’s
no regulation there was there’s
regulations now it’s not the same like
i’m saying it was just a lawless [ __ ]
place like
seriously like literally
it’s a fact the weird thing about porn
is that it’s like
so prostitution’s illegal but if there’s
a camera that’s cool
like yeah it’s a weird line thing
because it’s technically its own
industry i’m not saying i’m for
prostitutes i mean you know
make that bread but it’s like you can’t
not let someone sell their body yeah you
can’t do it here but not do it there
yeah yeah and it’s like oh but i think i
think the it’s up to the town because
vegas is just like yeah it’s cool no
it’s not cool you can get it you can get
arrested for no in vegas is 100 legal it
is 100 i’ve seen so many episodes of
cops where they make arrests in vegas
for prostitution no 100 maybe not
anymore maybe it is 100 okay well never
mind because there’s there’s the [ __ ]
billboards the little bunny ranger but
yeah there’s escorts are different than
prostitutes technically aren’t possible
you go into the [ __ ] single wide and
then some [ __ ]
grandma with a with a dress on smoking a
cigarette says girls girls
they come out
i sound like i know this i’ve never done
this you’ve seen too much tv
girls girls girls they’re like
i don’t know
jesus christ look at the [ __ ] crack
anyways either way i’m just saying i
agree with it but the thing is like in
that environment it’s regulated so
that’s why it’s the environment’s just
not a good environment like i mean if
you’re at the point where you have to
pay for sex well it’s it’s it’s such a
evolved time that i’m saying they drop
they drug test now there’s like there’s
there’s regulations in place directives
yes they do 100
drug tests
we watch that documentary on hulu
definitely not the males
they do everybody not them they they do
std testing and they’re they drug
they do they do drug testing i’m saying
they this that’s why i said they didn’t
do anything that’s just like show up and
[ __ ] all these people yeah [ __ ] [ __ ]
damn yeah that sounds like pimping they
all had bushes
yeah it was the time bushes were like
i mean
the thing about the bush man is it’s
like you know it’s definitely womanly
it’s crazy because like at one point
someone was just like
i’m just gonna cut this yeah and like
whoa i’m thinking of a high top thing
and they’re like
two on top three on the sides
no but i’m saying some point at some
point was like
why didn’t anyone think of this sooner
the other thing what i always wondered
is back in the day when girls were
wearing like bikinis
like was there just like yeah yeah
hanging out yeah that’s like dude i can
see her [ __ ] yeah it looked like
[ __ ] they were giving stephen king a
piggyback ride
or he was giving them a payback right
about that
yeah but seriously bro it’s crazy
it’s crazy times man it’s crazy it was a
yeah it was a crazy time like i mean if
you i wish i was like a teenager in the
80s i’d want to be in like the 50s would
be cool i think like this yeah i agree
with you like any any olden time like i
think that’d be kind of when was
segregation was that the 40s 50s yeah
that’s not that long ago
no [ __ ] yeah it’s not but um
it stuck around probably until the late
50s yeah wow
and then the civil rights made its
tremendous strides but um
yeah it’s kind of insane yeah like
dude what’s that conversation though
this is so funny like this is this is
i saw this in family guys oh no but i
can just imagine you and i like
dude you would have went to the good
bathroom i would have got a shark
do they do the same thing to brown
people i don’t do this all i can imagine
is like you mean like we get our chance
like time travel let’s go to the 50s you
and i want to walk in this restaurant
they have a fire hose
no we walk we walk in and like there’s a
guy in a polio [ __ ] yeah we walk into
this like like frank sinatra concert i’m
like dude this is so crazy and then i go
to the bathroom and you try to find me
then i’m lynched
it’s crazy dude
the thing is like i did they do the same
thing for like
everyone that’s not white
i don’t think so
right i don’t know it had two of us
it’s color and white i mean if you’re
color then i don’t know but either way
i’m not gonna i wouldn’t want to take
pictures i wouldn’t want to take my
yeah especially during the summertime
when i’m working
i have my dad with my birth certificate
next to me i’m like this is my dad this
is my birth certificate
i’m mixed
i don’t think there’s a mixed bathroom
but i’ll try
it’s the one with the dad the mom and
the little kid it’s the family yeah
family that’s where people go to [ __ ]
yeah it’s like he has a condition
they’re just
going to town yeah um what do we have
right now we’re at 30. i have one more
question you ever tried a weird condom
like not yes normal ones yeah what was
it it wasn’t the studs was it
it was you tried them with a little ball
but it wasn’t me who bought it like she
already had it
and i’m like okay well i need one so i’m
not really wanting to go because i’m
shit-faced i really don’t want to go get
one and so i’m like sure why not [ __ ] it
and i’m just like i just i felt like you
felt like an alien i felt like i had put
a normal condom on and then i’d put a
bunch of bbs in there that’s what it
felt like and it was so weird and for
her i’m sure it was like
i’m sure it was fine
i’m sure like because it’s stud like
it’s but i’m saying for me it was just
it felt so strange felt like she just
got a shotgun blast in her cage i got a
buck shot in my wiener dude like it
wasn’t like bad but it wasn’t it was
just so strange and i’m like who would
voluntarily do this i feel like people
have those it was like i was also like
six seventeen so oh wow or eighteen i
was like eighteen or nine she didn’t get
no i was like eighteen i was like to
fully appreciate i was like eighteen so
i would say people have those when they
buy the multi-packs and use the normal
ones and maybe the rib
and it’s like hey i got this did you
ever see that [ __ ] where i was like yeah
i was like 18 19 i think yeah anyways
what um do you ever see that [ __ ] where
it was like there’s a guy that makes
like alien dildos
that plants eggs and [ __ ] you ever see
that what the [ __ ] are you talking about
it looks like this alien people have
this fetish for alien dicks
and alien dicks and there’s what does an
alien dick look like green
it’s got these little tentacles and [ __ ]
like a [ __ ] kraken
yeah and but the thing is is they is
they use these
what the [ __ ] they use these gelatin
like balls so that it feels like it’s
like planting its eggs in you i believe
how do you get him out
you just don’t
and you die from like poisoning five
years later poop it out i mean imagine
if it’s in your it’s in their ass yeah
yeah you like right
but if you’re putting like a bunch of
[ __ ] like it can get clogged
just like the bears yes
maybe it’s for hybrid the bears need it
for hybrid i don’t know that’s a weird
scenario that would be something that
like our current government would be
like hey we need 1.2 trillion dollars to
give the bears alien dildos and then the
guy who makes him is like it’s my time
yeah hey uh we need uh we need 82
million dollars to put a gazebo in every
like what the [ __ ] dude bring an
umbrella no one goes there except the
homeless people yeah and it honestly
most of the time not even them they know
better than that they don’t even want to
do that park bench where there’s kids
like they do that i’m saying but like
they don’t but you know what i mean i’m
saying it’s more like rest stops and
showing like why do they put anything in
a rest everyone comes through the piss
blah blah blah bam bye why do you put a
bunch of [ __ ] because all that ends up
is some kids like yeah and there’s grass
there you can walk your dog you can take
a stretch you can do whatever it’s like
oh this is a great question
why are there like barbecue pits at rest
stops who is rest stopping and then hey
i have a couple [ __ ] prime ribs in
the back let’s just [ __ ] have a
barbecue at the restaurant some wiener
oh yeah i’m serious though i’m saying
but like no one would take this because
it’s a rest stop not not not a barbecue
picnic stop yeah and i know people
like people do stop there and like take
like an hour or whatever i’m saying well
the truck driver’s sleeping yeah exactly
but i’m saying not people don’t go there
to [ __ ] hey kids we’re going to the
rest stop today can you imagine i gotta
pick up all that food right next to like
500 people an hour or just blowing it up
[ __ ] 20 feet over and you know those
germs spread the winds going that’s not
if someone shits over there 30 feet away
from me i’m not going to get sick right
because the fragrance came my way yeah
i’m saying it smells bad of course it
does yeah but like it’s not close enough
to where you’d smell it and it’s like
when you go to the grill and there’s
some child’s band-aid on it and it’s
just like dude
dude did you ever go camping this is
specific when i was younger
and like they have like the the camping
bathrooms and they have some all of them
have it they have like the toilet
that is here’s the toilet and then 20
feet down is like the pit of all the
[ __ ] and stuff and so if you like go to
the bathrooms like
oh yeah
it’s like dropping [ __ ] bombs on
nagasaki in world war ii
the ultimate b52 bomber
yeah i i also like you could have just
put it here so then you don’t hear a
[ __ ] splat like you just threw
someone down there so they only have to
empty it like once a year i’m sure it is
because they can make it bigger but i’m
just saying like why is it so far down
uh four strands like it’s like alien vs
predator about to crack a glow stick and
drop and see how far it goes
i think the force range at one point was
like i’m emptying this every week how do
we make it once a year it’s like let’s
just dig deeper that’s pretty much the
answer how do they get it out of there
part of me thinks they just don’t
yeah maybe there’s just like ground down
there that fertilizes like the grass it
just like soaks in the ground yeah and
it is kind of crazy the way the cycle
works like we eat the plants we [ __ ] and
that helps the plants yeah the same
thing that happens when we die yeah
kind of weird if we came from the dust
and we returned to the dust it’s true
though that’s what happens and it’s also
like a
[ __ ] what’s it called when we breathe
in oxygen and now carbon dioxide they
take carbon dioxide and yeah
photosynthesis photosynthesis
yeah then they
photosynthesis let’s get into this yeah
they take in carbon dioxide they take
the oxygen they give out oxygen and then
we take an oxygen it’s
that’s why astronauts have a lot of
plants and stuff on the international
space station they have plants and trees
a lot of like little ones so when you
poop in space like it obviously doesn’t
fall out you have to pull it right with
like a glove
that’s a good question i mean you’re
like me but it’s the thing is no because
you’re still you’re still giving force
for it to get out it’s more of like
after it just doesn’t drop it just goes
it’s not that much
just another phone
you’re gonna grab it you don’t have to
pull that’s not there’s no gravity you
still you’re for there’s still enough
force to get it out it’s more of it just
just drop they have one of those they
have those doggy bags like i actually
legitimately would like
out of my own curiosity i know there’s
videos of it but like i want to like
dump a liquid out and watch what happens
like just watch it can you imagine being
like on psychedelics and you dump a
bottle of water and just like
in space dude holy [ __ ] i don’t think
i’d survive that i mean imagine like
standing in front of the toilet and you
pee and it just goes up yeah and you’re
just like why there’s a toilet here
let’s have a cup
i don’t think they have a toilet
where do they go no i’m saying why would
they if it doesn’t go in there they are
they gonna gather the [ __ ] and then put
it in the toilet and like force fleece i
would say that the toilet has a slight
vacuum to it so it pulls it down there’s
like a vacuum it’s a vacuum cleaner in
your butt
or maybe there’s like a certain room
where they have a vacuum so then like
you just [ __ ] on the walls and it just
sucks it up you just go in there just
[ __ ] dust busters
you have the little
the little
a handheld yeah the handheld one yeah
yeah i know you thought about it all
right well i think we’re yeah we’re at
45 yes or 45.
um yeah that’s going to do it for today
oh god
so gross bro okay uh i want to thank you
guys for listening oh yeah again we’re
sorry we had a little bit of a hiatus
but uh we’ve been working on a lot of
we’re working on a lot of big things
like the patreon like i mentioned before
and the hot ones episode’s been being
edited and
other things going on outside the scenes
that you know we’ve been a little bit
preoccupied but uh you know we’re back
and we’re better than ever well we never
really left so it’s okay we didn’t the
comeback is greater than the second yeah
and god usually gives his toughest
battles to his strongest soldiers
and we are the strong well i’m the
stronger soldier for sure
because i’ve gone through temporary tell
me how it is i’ll tell you how it was
um jack where can they find you they can
find me at jack underscore spence isaiah
anthony lesney where can they find you
isaiah underscore lesney on instagram
where you can find both of our
instagrams at the around the launch
table instagram page um but anyways
thank you guys for listening man um we
appreciate it and
you know even though we haven’t we
haven’t posted any clips we haven’t been
on our [ __ ] at the moment but we still
actually are getting downloads a lot
which is kind of weird because we have
loads done anything so uh thank you guys
for listening um we look forward to the
times ahead because like we said the
patreon is there we’re gonna have all
the episodes on the patreon and
obviously we’ve already explained the
patreon they get everything a week early
plus other features that you don’t get
unless you get the patreon um but if you
don’t want to pay live q and a’s too
maybe you don’t want to happen if you
don’t pay anything you still get the
normal episodes at the normal time most
likely just don’t be a [ __ ] little
slap dick yeah but but yeah don’t steal
from us you know but anyways it’s okay
either way but yeah the page doesn’t be
launching so a lot of interesting things
going to happen and a lot of uh better
episodes ahead so thank you guys for
listening thank you guys for tuning in
we appreciate you and as always good to
see you and see ya

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Episode 39