J & Z talk about hot air balloons, what weapon you would choose in war, and if we could shoot a cheetah. First exclusive coming up! Follow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/aroundthelunchtable/?hl=en
jeez louise bees
geez louise these bees are on my knees
[Laughter]
that was good
welcome back slapdex this is around the
lunch table episode 38.
this is 38 30 a.m god first and foremost
well thank our sponsor aperture oceans
for just continuing to you know surprise
us and just bring us joy yes charging us
every step of the way
bringing ads and ideas to life
bringing bills in debt to life yes
exactly we’re just sick we’re just
kidding we’re just kidding yeah we love
them we got the bread on us [ __ ] you
know big bees uh we got the uh
uh yeah aputure oceans
shout out um also tomorrow uh we are it
doesn’t drop tomorrow but we are filming
drum roll please
[Music]
[Laughter]
we are filming booming our hot ones
episode our first paid yay episode
yeah
yeah our pain is your gain and your gain
is our net gain
bam didn’t work but works i get the
logic yeah but um and also if you
haven’t so it’s august 23rd today so um
yeah summer collection’s gonna be coming
to a close obviously i think you can get
still for the next week or so but if we
even have any left on the shelves yeah
that’s true
we’ll have one we’ll check the stock in
the back yeah we’ll have to have you
ever seen those like you ever go
shopping it’s like
oh can i can you go check the back for
like this size like size 10 or whatever
they go back there like they’re not even
looking they’re just like i’m just gonna
act like i went to work and then tell
them we don’t have
because i’d like to have a lot of
friends that have done like yeah i
really just go back there and then dick
around for a minute oh don’t have it
yeah there’s there’s that and there’s
also like
customer service nowadays it’s just
awesome it’s so [ __ ] bad yeah because
we got [ __ ] kids who
you know
don’t give a [ __ ] i hate if you don’t
give a [ __ ] you’re just not gonna you
know i hate when like when because
believe it or not times are so different
now is what like parents will be like
well when i was younger like i worked at
a fast food place and it wasn’t even
that hard at all i’m like well now
there’s uber there’s door dash there’s
like it there’s actually it’s there’s a
lot of [ __ ] what’s going on all at once
one thing i don’t like and people are
actually way more [ __ ] mean i would
say is that like
parents these days oh god we sound like
we’re a [ __ ] 12 year old podcast my
parents uh but no like like uh
we’ll call them
gen
xers or millennials or whatever gen xers
yeah because we’re not millennials you
and i are genzirs
so like our parents would be like
boomers no no their parents are boomers
yeah anyways the point is like they
recognize inflation when like the bills
come but then it’s like when they’re
talking about was like in my day i made
one dollar and 25 cents yeah they don’t
they don’t remember do you i’m like gas
was 40 cents a gallon you guys went and
got a [ __ ] milk chicken hamburger for
a dollar 25 like yeah [ __ ] was mad litty
um
uh when we were driving today and uh we
saw something interesting that i kind of
i don’t even know what to talk about it
i just wanted to bring it up we saw a
hot air balloon now what’s the purpose
there is
i mean there’s several different ways to
fly you have a helicopter a plane
a slingshot like it’s one thing
bicycle-powered people olden days
because they didn’t have anything like
that and i was like whoa this is nuts
yeah like
you’re in a [ __ ] easter basket 2000
feet in the air how’s that fun you’re
sitting there yeah uh one how do you go
up and down just more heat it’s more
heat than less heat than you slowly go
down but it’s like what if there’s wind
what if a storm what if one bird’s beak
goes in the side of it like that’s what
i always thought yeah but also if one
bird
goes into the propeller of an engine
you’re also [ __ ] that’s true yeah
which is why they fly so high yeah oh
they fly higher than the birds
yeah that that makes sense so you go
above the clouds nah yes yes bird
warning
where you got blue jayson coming
the [ __ ] turret goes down
it’s like from star wars when you know
han solo and luke go down in the little
ball turrets do you know what’s crazy i
watch this video and this dude this like
i don’t know if this is a thing that is
everywhere but
so like when playing like for the air
force and sure coming in i swear i saw
this this [ __ ] dude there was a group
of them and they all got like
little falcons and hawks and [ __ ] and
they sent them there to kill the [ __ ]
birds like to scare them away like if
there’s flocks of birds flying around
they’ll send their [ __ ] fly artemis
fly and then they’ll go like yeah and so
they’ll fly away because like but what
if the hockey goes in like james i’m
saying if you’re in a jet you’re [ __ ]
you’re [ __ ] toast yeah so really like
i mean
birds are birds are up there with like
death to human ratio like it’s more of
how fast they’re going what’s the number
one animal like that kills humans
hippopotamus i think
really i’m pretty sure well there’s no
hippos around here
are you talking about like africa and
every like in all the most deaths i’m
pretty sure it’s hippos hippos oh look i
thought it’d be like sharks
or likes or dogs
i don’t know it’s like an angry dog
because we all have dogs no i’m pretty
sure it’s hippos hippos i’ve always
thought like my cat was like
gonna [ __ ] slip my jugular at night
all right what animal
okay
mosquitoes are first because obviously
malaria etc etc makes sense
the mosquito the second deadliest animal
on the planet well the most like human
deaths which makes sense because a lot
of people get diseases and the first one
being drunk driving drive sober or get
pulled over this message is brought to
you by
i don’t [ __ ] know
let’s see we
got some type of fly
it’s a fly so these are all bugs they’re
bugs how about the deadliest mammal
that’s why i was there yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah mammal and nemo
anti-mammal um
mammal kills the most humans um
wait wait wait let’s make a guess
hippos how many a year
500 people per year
that’s a lot dude that’s not a lot
an animal to kill they’re only over
there but i’m saying crazy like
what is there eight billion people on
the planet like that’s all that the
largest animal kills is that this is
we’re doing pretty good it was taken
five years ago i know but we’re both i’m
saying
500 people a year yeah well hippo’s
scoreboard like we’re doing pretty
[ __ ] good i mean i’m just 500 out of
6 billion my reckon you know my uh
condolences to the you know the families
of those 500 people per year but i mean
that’s impressive crackheads you ever
see them throw a watermelon they just go
yeah [ __ ] go nuts [ __ ] insane how
big their mouths are yeah what’s the
largest fruit you think you can fit in
your mouth
like all
yeah like all the way like skin and all
probably like a plum
i would say
a peach
no no no no i mean dude you don’t know
what this mouth do but you cannot put a
whole peach in your mind maybe like a
small peach a tangerine
yeah those are small
or i don’t want too small i mean i want
to like you know prove it i’ll just say
a plum because i think a plum’s decently
big but i i think i’d stretch my borders
there but yeah have you ever tried to
fit like as much of something in your
mouth as possible like straws or
something like straws like a kid
no
i think i uh
i can fit this whole mic in my mouth
probably do it no well take the little
condom off the top
that’s worse
well but it’s like this is metal you can
wipe it off this one you try to try to
put whole thing in your mouth like just
oh put your mouth don’t actually eat it
but i’m saying
this is easy
i meant with the fuzzy on there can you
imagine that you could just like hear my
heartbeat with the fuzzy on it no cuz i
don’t want to get the fuzzy dirty
it’s your own mouth is there you’ve done
it before
see and then it gets gross that’s that
is how covet starts [ __ ] okay you try
put it over here
i gotta remember who’s mike’s
slap at first
the skeleton ran out of shame in the
shower there’s some tongue twisters
oh my damn
dude that was good
[ __ ]
though
yeah like did you ever like snort weird
[ __ ] as a kid
no i don’t think i ever snorted [ __ ]
when i was a little kid no i mean like
uh what was that powder it was just
basically cocaine
[Laughter]
pixie dust no not pixie dust oh
pixie stix pixie stix you started
thinking pixie dust [ __ ]
[ __ ] tinkerbell over here no but yeah
um why does every 60 year old mom have a
tinkerbell tattoo or a looney tunes
letterman jacket
i have never seen one
a looney tunes letterman jacket
you know what i’m talking about i know
what you’re talking about because
they’re all like why does every sick no
that’s not true no all i’m saying is
that
i will make this bet you go into a box i
saw this woman have a tj maxx tram stamp
the tj maxx home goods [ __ ] blue
light special right there yeah i guess
it had like lightning on the side
that’s actually badass i mean marketing
maybe that’s maybe like you know people
will be like vaping saved my life or
music saved my life
tj maxx saved her life you know maybe
they helped her out in some way or she’s
just a dedicated employee it’s called
brand loyalty that’s what that is
have you ever like gone to mcdonald’s
and obviously they have like two lines
right yeah so like there’s been times
usually i don’t care like all that but
there’s always that time
so the person like there’s kind of a car
there you know so you’re both done
ordering and like you’re really like
you’re trying to sneak up and they’re
trying to sneak up right after they go
to kind of
so you go it’s like playing a chicken
it’s who’s gonna back off first have you
ever had the one where like so you’re
you’re you’re on the inside lane right
okay and there’s someone on the outside
you were done ordering way before her so
you pull up but you can’t go yet yeah
and then they [ __ ] try to cut you off
and then it’s some and that’s what you
never do and that’s what i’m talking
about a 60 year old woman with like a
gray haired braid where the looney tunes
letterman jacket look it up what is the
[ __ ]
why is that okay anyways because it’s
just white trash that’s all it is okay
i’m sure a lot of things define them
other than [ __ ] acme characters can
you name three things to find someone’s
white trash i would say um cars out
front
like when they have like junkyard
looking things like on a pair like or a
boat on some cinder blocks yeah without
the windshield
um missing teeth
yeah
thank you um
i would say uh
food stamp card
um
i mean i
i kind of agree with you though yeah
yeah i’m not saying like your piece of
[ __ ] if you need help it’s just yeah
or it’s a complex matter like six
screaming kids
um no discipline trailer she’s smoking a
cigarette watching him yeah yeah and
like having fake boobs
and a [ __ ] but also wearing like an
oxygen thing
[Laughter]
that’s bad yeah it’s my kind of gal
right there is it then that’s what and
that’s what would you think a lady like
that would be named let me let me paint
you a picture like
like smoking a cigarette with a baby on
her hip
walking out like with the toys or the
eight toys there for the thing is she
was probably hot at one point i’m gonna
say like that’s an interesting take as
well but yeah what would her name you
know like ferrari or something her name
would be ferrari like a stripper name
like
or like laronda or something i was gonna
actually kind of sounds like a
white person’s name
dude
i was gonna say like
um in this erin it’s no offense to like
people who actually have this name but i
was i was probably going to say like
laura
or something or shelby
yeah that’s a good one that’s an older
name
like um
[Music]
i don’t know
uh
what is the worst female and worst
male name you’ve ever heard worst male
name i’d say would be keith
[Laughter]
uh worst female name
[Laughter]
sorry all the keith’s out there um
i don’t hate it if i would agree it’s
kind of weird
we had a friend we have a friend named
kiefer
that was because everyone just everyone
just called him quiffer yeah high school
was probably right he got roasted
yeah that was my brother’s friend um so
there’s keith
i guess it sounds yeah that’s it there’s
keys i would have thought of the woman
once because obviously there’s ones
that’s like oh that’s really common but
like i’m saying one that you’re like wow
that’s a terrible [ __ ] name like when
they try to get
like too
fancy with it you know like elon musk’s
xae divided by six or whatever the [ __ ]
it was
but i know i’m saying like asking you
simple questions it’s never an easy task
and that’s an oxymoron um
hmm worst woman name
um
[Music]
and it doesn’t mean it’s a bad name it
means for you you’re like oh that’s kind
of uh you know what i mean i would say
it would be like the common ones where
it’s just i got everyone’s named caitlyn
everyone’s name and sarah everyone’s
named [ __ ] like they’re not bad names
yeah we just know a million how about
henrietta
i’ve i’ve met a henrietta at a church
one time
my great name was henrietta wow that’s a
dad that wanted to name his son henry
and named it that’s [ __ ] no that’s a
little house in the prairie right there
henrietta that’s a little house in the
prairie name
so like say you like met like this girl
that you totally vibed with right god
just off the gate she actually makes you
laugh right yeah that’s rare
and it’s like okay you’re hitting it off
but she wears a little house and the
prairie clothes with the little socks
with the little ribs on them you know
and the [ __ ] you know where they fold
over each other i mean but the thing is
it’s like
you know are you gonna try to change her
changing how she like be like hey like
1950s
hey the pilgrims at plymouth rock hall
they want their bonnets back
that’s not changing somebody you know
what i mean changing someone hey you act
like this but i want you to act like
this that’s not changing but yeah you’re
changing there if there’s a legitimate
yeah i would i would maybe try i’d give
it a go how would you take it if
like so say it’s a girl totally out of
your league right i mean like i don’t
think a girl that bought it would be out
of my league no i’m saying in a
different structure
i was like
not like a model but i’m assuming if
that’s where she’s
yeah um
like say
like there is a girl so out of your
league right you’re just like wow i
can’t believe i got this [ __ ] right
and she
like
tries to change the way you dress
are you doing it or are you going to
keep your style i’m saying i’m doing it
then i’m not going to do it yeah you’ll
do it for like a day or that dinner she
really wants to go on with you i’ll do
i’ll do minor adjustments yeah that’s
good like as a compromise isn’t that
what it is just compromise yeah but then
if you tell her like hey that dress oh
that’s like you’re a piece of [ __ ]
i’m kidding i’m kidding i’m kidding i’m
kidding
hey you look really cute but your hair
could look alive that is why you never
marry a pastor because every guy knows
it’s okay to lie about that if they’re
like does this look good and you think
no which of course it usually always
does look good they’re like you know
like the pastors are like well that’s
still a lie jack and i’m like and you’re
not getting laid tonight what if what if
pinocchio
just told everyone that his nose got
longer when he told the truth
what if pinocchio just sat down and his
girl just sat on it and then just
started lying
[Laughter]
raise her to the roof
dude
she sits on his face it’s like the
barber chair
[Laughter]
she starts uh she starts asking like
impossible questions
did you watch porn today no
what’s 874 divided by 1 222. he’s like
six
dude pinocchio could have smashed like
what if you got a chub every time you
lied
whoa
um like downstairs yeah it’s upside down
how did you like hide a boner as a kid
like you know you’d be in the classroom
one pops up like before i obviously
everyone knows of like the young bands
i was just always scared like the head
would be showing up yeah that’s why
checking out well yeah unless you’re
wearing a short shirt you’re okay but i
don’t think you’re wearing a short shirt
no
shirt sorry yeah i want to show a shirt
your wink is not sticking out but yeah i
would say
i would usually refuse to get up
i would just like stay and stay in place
you know i remember there was a time
chad you know actually this is a fact
yeah i um
actually i actually peed my pants in
class one time really yeah i didn’t why
like what age that’s fourth grade uh
well that’s still older third grade or
fourth grade that’s so older what what
was it for here’s the thing so i got in
trouble for talking and like i was like
hey i gotta go to the bathroom and that
was like my thing to always get out of
class it’s like the boy who cried wolf
she’s like you don’t have to go which
that is and i’m not
uh shout out miss hopson sorry my ben um
and so i’m sitting there
and
that or was mrs smith one of the other i
don’t remember ooh um
so i’m sitting there and then usually
when one other person goes to bath meat
wait till that person gets back so i’m
i’m like hey i really have to go i’ll
have to go and then
did you just break the chair
i don’t know
there’s a screw right there
okay
anyways this is a wake-up call
i’m getting a bowflex i’m gonna commit
this is a wake-up call i’m one half a
sandwich away from fat apparently i
guess so um but anyways i’m gonna blame
aidan he was sitting in it last night um
so i’m sitting there and i’m like i
gotta go to the bathroom you know help
me out and so nick this kid named
nicholas goes to the bathroom first
she’s like oh we have to wait for nick
to get back so i’m like bouncing my
chair like this
and just right the thing is if i was any
older or like because i was in trouble i
would have just gotten up and left and
explained to it later but like i was so
just like oh [ __ ] i’m in trouble i can’t
move right now
that you know and then the seal broke
and the worst part was i was wearing
blue jeans ooh light blue like blue
jeans so here’s the thing and here’s the
the crazy thing is
i i
i don’t know if she knew i know no one
else knew i i don’t know how but like so
anyways it’s like the end of the period
so i’m sitting there it’s during reading
so everyone’s like reading and [ __ ] and
she probably knew so
everyone’s reading and then um i can’t
hold it anymore
i just i’m sitting there i’m like
i’m going it’s happening and so i’m
peeing my pants sitting there everyone’s
reading it i’m just like think of it
this way and it’s leaking down you might
have played chess because now she’s
always gonna let you go to the bathroom
yeah i mean yeah but um so like i just
peed my [ __ ] pants and this is the
best part is that like it leaks down and
there’s like um but like i was like a
leaky faucet yeah it was going down my
legs my legs like straight out yeah even
if i pull it doesn’t matter they’re
gonna literally soaking through the
dough and then the carpet you can tell
there was a puddle there like there was
wetness so what i did was
i always had a messy backpack thank god
with like extra homework assignments so
i pulled out thank god i was unorganized
i throw them i throw all the papers and
i put them at my feet like my my i put
them on my feet so now your homework has
ppm no it was all stuff i didn’t need so
i’m whipping paper down in my binder i’m
like putting stuff down there and then i
put the backpack in front because
there’s like a little slit under the
desk you can see i put the light back in
front like some p-pads so i put yeah i
put the backpack in front so you
couldn’t you could only see it from a
certain angle maybe if you’re watching
the crosstalk to be bomb you can see it
so then i put papers in front so and
then someone wants to walk behind me
they wouldn’t see they would see papers
on the ground they wouldn’t see like it
and so that makes sense i have it kind
of covered here but then so the bell
rings
hey we’re all going to lunch or whatever
the [ __ ] so everyone’s getting up lining
up at the doors
get the papers get the papers and so i
put the no i crimp the papers up right
so
everyone’s like i’m the only one left in
my like section or another i throw them
in the trash get other ones get a [ __ ]
ton of other ones throw them in on top
and throw it on top and so and then so i
go back to my seat because i’m you if i
stand up everyone’s gonna know i [ __ ]
peed my pants yeah everybody you could
have just said you like put water on you
or something i didn’t have any water not
that much water yeah not the whole
bottle
because it was down it was a trail it
was a trail it was hansel and gretel
down down my left rail like from my
people oh you’re like my legs so damn
just
but yeah anyways and so
i
um she was like uh are you gonna line up
with it i’m like oh yeah in a second i’m
just reading this like
um i’m reading the story we just read i
thought it was really good in the hat is
really speaking to me at this point i
was like i’m really into this right now
redfish blue fish are two fish and i’m
like i never pay attention i’m just like
you’re turning a new leaf aren’t you
anyway so i’m just gonna read and so i
get everyone leaves and so i’m thinking
i’m thinking ahead i’m like okay even if
i get out of here alive
i have what am i going to change into
you know i i don’t have any [ __ ]
clothes with me like what am i going to
do like i can’t walk i can’t even even
if i get out of here i’m going to go
away
so i [ __ ] i guess so i get out so
people go to their lockers or whatever i
sprint i just i decide to run and pull
the trigger i just we’re gonna say a
light joke i run
i just run out the door hoping that no
one will see because they’re all their
backs are to me so when i go by they see
my ass they don’t they don’t know what’s
going on and so i run downstairs blah
blah blah okay so i pull i’m actually
low-key a genius so i go into the
bathroom self-proclaimed i take my pants
off
crinkle up the pants
stick him in my lunch pail
you had a pee pee pail yeah yeah okay
stick him in the left because i i want
to get rid of the evidence so i put what
kind of lunch pail do you have like
snoopy or something no it was just a
normal lunch pill oh okay it wasn’t
snoopy
like buzz lightyear no it was just it
was a norm it wasn’t and there was no
character it was monochrome yeah i was
actually a minimalist
it’s actually gucci
actually had a louis vuitton
so happens as i get rid of it and then
i’m in my underwear so i sprint
across [ __ ] the school grounds to my
locker because i’m like oh my pe shorts
are in there yeah so garage show or
someone’s like yo why you got pee shoes
yeah you can’t wear shorts at school
yeah and i’m like oh i’m stoked for
dodgeball
and yeah i never get caught but i think
she knew once her garbage started
someone like pissed and yeah carpet
started smelling like piss yeah also it
was kind of weird that like in school
like shorts weren’t allowed unless you
wore like a pillow i know like what do
you want me do you want me to be a
virgin forever yeah it’s like it’s like
hey you know what i’m in third grade i’m
trying to like
like
when when did you realize that you were
like into girls like when when did you
realize it was like i always knew you
know
i mean well you know growing up you’re
like oh i hate him you know as a little
kid yeah but deep down you’re out you
don’t hate him you like being around you
just don’t know why yeah you know what i
mean yeah so yeah it’s it’s it’s it’s
it’s a time it’s a confusing time
there’s a lot of things happening in
your body you don’t know how to explain
exactly yeah you know and the first pube
i mean
you navigate it you know yeah so did you
ever
it’s funny because
anyone who’s young now won’t have the
same experience as we did which is kind
of weird if you think about it like the
generation we were born i’m saying
because like the the kids
and the next generation the internet
will be there but i’m saying internet
was there but like
when i was a young young kid i’m saying
but the only restaurant you remember on
on cable there was
like after dark like champions starting
like channel 1000 well ours was 5 20 and
5 11. really i think i still remember it
was pay for them
no because um you just had to put the
password in because they came in because
they were channels that ran movies
usually the 500
movies during the day but
it was it was adult protected but i knew
the password yeah and so like
and they usually started around 10 or 10
30. nice and they were like always what
was the first thing you watched you
remember
it was well they were all exploitation
now all of them were called adult
programming that’s all they were called
yeah yeah yeah all them were called
adult programming
but also i never knew where the setting
always was like
they were at a party or something and
like oh and then individually every
other person that talked went upstairs
then the music
because he’s like and then they go back
downstairs hey we’re back but yeah and
it was always like a bougie house do you
think you could act well in a porno like
without like laughing yeah it’d be good
i mean who who like say you get to
choose your character who you’re going
to be like my character the pizza
delivery man or you’re going to be the
[ __ ] the step dad
the step bro
i’m probably going to be the pbc
puerto rican black no big b pc big
porter
bprc
big puerto rican
we want the okay here’s the prc if i had
i if i was in that situation if i had to
choose i would probably be
like
the step bro because guess what i’m also
the step son
ah
that’s good because you can play both
angles i’d be the window washer
that like seduces her as i’m watching
them i meant because i would get the
milf ones and then yeah
you get both yeah
yeah did you ever see you ever see the
anchorman
the anchorman uh it wasn’t in the movie
it was
it was the blooper he’s like he’s like
one time he’s like on the 34th floor i
jumped from behind a window and scared a
window washer and he fell to his death
now
i said it wasn’t my fault
no you mentioned that looks like
dude’s washing the window on the 34th
floor
[Laughter]
i feel like this is a thing that’s funny
i can see you doing something like that
and you kill somebody
he’s just like oh my god [ __ ] 40
floors up let’s get these cleaned
[Applause]
like
technically it wasn’t my fault i was in
a meeting yeah
that’s [ __ ] funny i would it’s [ __ ]
up but funny could you do a job with
heights you think i don’t ever yeah i
don’t think so man like i can do heights
but not like the crazy like you remember
those pictures back in like the 70s and
like the construction workers were
sitting on a skyscraper eating lunch
dangling their feet off yeah i’m like
dude you know they were scared shitless
they were doing it for the cloud but
what’s weird is that
those [ __ ] photos took like
it was like you have to stand still for
10 minutes while this [ __ ] develops i
also liked even before that was like
maybe
maybe a little bit before the industrial
age was like
[Laughter]
this continued
before the industrial revolution that’s
that’s what it was it was before that so
okay anyways and this was like what was
the industrial revolution what when was
that the industrial revolution um
the 20s
boring 20s
1920s right
pretty sure that’s crazy is that they
were still using like steam engines 100
it’s only been 100 years like one
grandparent’s worth of life that’s what
i’m saying which is that’s kind of crazy
but um
i forgot my story because you keep
interrupting me well now we got [ __ ]
tesla bots that’ll suck you off for
[ __ ] bitcoin
no it mines bitcoin
that’s cool what is i don’t understand
the
the mining part what is their i don’t
understand the mining is where you get a
computer and you like tape a pickaxe to
it and then you just let it do its thing
i’m cutting that horrible joke out i
here’s the thing i i thought of laughing
to help you out but then i was like that
was so dumb i’m not even gonna [ __ ]
yeah that was [ __ ] but no i’m saying
because i’ve seen rooms up there like
this dudes have just walls of hard drive
like all it is there’s like in a there’s
basically like a think of it like a math
problem that’s simplest terms and every
time it gets solved it makes itself
harder
that’s all it is so then every single
viagra pill yeah
every time bitcoin gets mined it gets
harder and then you it takes more
processing yeah every time bitcoin gets
mined elon musk gets harder
[Laughter]
every time every time dose coin is mine
elon musk he’s almost at full send it
takes him a while what the [ __ ] did him
and grimes talk about
hey what the [ __ ] you have something
like have you ever seen them stand next
like talk about just people from polar
opposite hemispheres like and she’s
dressed like she came out a hot topic
and he is like a billionaire successful
guy who sold paypal years and years ago
and now he’s this industrial giant what
do they sit around the table and talk
about i guarantee you this now she talks
about vibes and manifestation then he
talks about his business and she’s like
so that happened
he’s like yeah and that’s when i got the
quantum accelerator inside of this like
imagine imagine like she’s like yeah
that’s rad like imagine like he comes
home from just like a long day like even
though he’s rich i’m sure he works as
[ __ ] she probably still doesn’t suck i’m
saying she’s still complaining he comes
and he comes home then from like he’s
been working like 18 hours because he
runs [ __ ] i’m sure he works at [ __ ]
though he comes home from work walks in
his living room in this falcon house and
it’s [ __ ] great she’s just having a
rave
hey babe i have skrillex over he’s like
we’re just gonna be jamming in the other
room
it’s like nice like he’s like can i just
have some [ __ ] dinner please like
i’ve i bought us this hundred million
house well no that’s the funny thing is
that he used to have all these houses
and everyone gave him [ __ ] for like
being a shitty billionaire so now he
lives in one of these tiny home which
actually they’re actually pretty sick
they are sick but now you can’t get away
from her now it’s like oh i’ll just go
into the other room living room’s right
there like honey where’s my
we’re gonna do my set yeah
yeah i just really wanna okay i really
wanna fly on the wall for their casual
conversation yeah like you know he’s
trying to vent her so like i had this
meeting today this guy wants to
this guy wants to invest but this other
guy doesn’t cut and yeah and then she’s
just like
yeah i mean i want to hear what her
advice would be for his problems i put
together a melody would you like to hear
it
yeah and then versus his
it’s funny because
his advice would just be like okay well
don’t do that yeah
like isn’t it and she probably still
wouldn’t listen to him one of the
smartest guys out there uh also i don’t
know what’s funny
i’m gonna say it
oh
what the [ __ ] is there sex like like
he’s like an older man he’s just a gooby
yeah he’s a gooby yeah yeah this doesn’t
work out or anything which is fine but
then like he’s like this sophisticated
billionaire but she’s a do you think dj
do you think he’s a do you think he’s
frisky
i bet he’s freakier than most i think
he’s i bet he’s got the little you know
the little black leather claw that you
just i don’t know what it does
it was from 50 shades i don’t own one
i don’t think you owned one how am i
going to go to your room and go look i
own a horse for two costumes
the horse for two is like
your
arms are the front person’s arms are on
the ground but then their legs are up
over that person’s face and their legs
and you have to work in tandem so it’s a
good lesson of uh working together as a
team and a cohesive unit but also
you have muffin your face
that’s not a bad thing or unless you’re
in front then she’s got stinky
[Laughter]
you imagine like what that would look
like it’s like in full sprint and i’m
not saying that without the costume yeah
can we get an x-ray of this please yeah
just imagine how funny that would look
like if they could pull a full sprint
that’d be pretty impressive
i mean i feel like you’d have to like
like the way you don’t horses kind of
levitate as they gallop you know what
i’m saying what the [ __ ] are you talking
about horses
if you if you like if you like you mean
like when in like a lion or cheat when
they run for a second they’re like
hovering over because they’re like this
one’s pushing and this one’s getting
ready to grab i’m not saying it’s a
[ __ ] star wars [ __ ]
do you remember
yeah yeah kind of like that
do you think uh
like so say you have one shot in a 44
minute only got one shot one opportunity
okay
mom spaghetti
i’m blowing mom’s confetti um wait what
i don’t know what that meant um
uh say you’re like you have a cheetah
running straight at you right he’s kind
of zig-zagging
you have one shot and you get a million
bucks
or you just drop the gun and walk
microwave
he’s doing this
[Laughter]
like in war zone or something you’re
running
but he’s running like 80 miles an hour
i think i’m doing it i’m doing the shot
you better lead that [ __ ] you better
see the next crop you better shoot the
next county
oh my god can you imagine like it’s
running straight it’s heads down
it’s just ducking everything i’m like
just barrel stuff it when it gets right
next to you
no imagine you’re
sitting there like come on come on can
you just sit there wait for her to jump
at you and then i’m just waiting for the
mother
of this mountain
oh
yeah i think are you doing it i’m doing
it probably yeah like i said i’m just
gonna wait till it gets to the like in
the words and there’s
hopefully those try like go behind me
and i gotta like oh [ __ ]
no can you imagine so it’s far away when
you shoot and you miss
and you’re like you have like so you
look you flip your gums
then you just [ __ ] have it like
around you have like a bat
you just have to get one swing in the
head and just [ __ ] it up
if you could be one animal
like what would your animal be like if
you were like my spirit animal yeah
i want to say it’s a falcon but i know
it’s not
i know it’s not
i i i want to soar above
above the skies and see the heavens as
but i i feel like i’m more like a like a
little
[ __ ] little insect
it’s just like a dung beetle yeah
i was thinking more like a cockroach
because it takes a lot to kill this body
you don’t know what you gotta do when
you’re in the middle of a cockpit
i’d say like in all honesty
um
if i could be anything it’d be like a
falcon i’d be a honey badger probably
why
because he doesn’t give a [ __ ] yeah
honey badge you don’t give what is that
even from okay well in okay i was
actually the thing the difference in me
and you as i give realistic things you
just say [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] i was gonna
say i was gonna say like that’s what i
wanted to because they’re smaller
they’re just they’re quick they’re
they’re sly
they do stupid [ __ ] they fight
everything i’d wanna be like i wanna be
that that [ __ ]
fox on robin hood he’d be like
that’s not i’m [ __ ] talking oh okay
so you know i know you would be
a a raccoon with a little you know
raccoon that’s a good one you could be a
raccoon probably a possum honestly yeah
the [ __ ] the poon slayer
i don’t even know what happens in your
head yeah
so like it’s a [ __ ] wild world in
there yeah it is if you ever come inside
you gotta visit pirates of the pancreas
you gotta see it morty you gotta see it
morning if you
so like okay i’m gonna see how i should
wear this
so like
you know when they
that was was it worth it to interrupt me
again
yes go ahead
anyways
i don’t remember i wasn’t asking
no yes you do
try to make me feel bad come on spit it
out
no but i was gonna say
so
[Laughter]
so if you okay this is a [ __ ] up
question but
so if you had to like actually this
isn’t a [ __ ] up question cause i would
do it but so let’s just say
you get a hundred thousand dollars but
you have to walk into a nursing home and
knock an old lady out yeah i’m done
buddy but you can’t tell her why
he’s gonna walk in there and [ __ ]
knock her [ __ ] up i mean
i’m talking to haymaker do i have to sir
so say the first punch does not go out
do i gotta keep going no you just you’d
hit her
go to sleep go to sleep
no you hit her one time as hard as you
can like she’s like walking with like
like a random old person is selected
can i choose the old person no they it’s
at random because i it’s at random okay
but i’m saying i would try to find the
woman that’s like
she’s got one foot in the coffin like
i’ll just push her in kind of thing
i would have done one that wasn’t so
then she’d be fine
did you then i wouldn’t get a card
just gently falls over their hips break
ribs shatter like exactly punch in the
nose or nose bone is going to go through
her brain then you got first degree
murder on your hands at least she has
one from the coffin she’s gonna [ __ ]
die if you punch her i’m saying i’m a
first-time offender i can get out of an
assault and battery charge i cannot get
out of the face so you’re doing it yeah
100 g’s [ __ ] yeah
would you do it are you are you gonna
send them money if they are all right
what is she gonna do with it she lives
in a nursing home
pay for another money to buy different
bingo cards yeah
this is from my grandson you don’t have
grandkids
yeah i don’t i actually kind of wish i
was like
raised in like the 60s and 70s a little
bit
no i’m serious
like okay when was segregation
it was like the 30s okay good like 40s
it was it would have just been funny oh
no those are the 50s 40s and 50s civil
rights movements because the 50s diners
still had like the
other drinking fountains and the no yeah
my bad yeah i was not an advocate for it
was like the 50s and 60s
yeah that’s why it was funny yeah my
civil rights movement made its
tremendous strides yeah it’s kind of
[ __ ] if it wasn’t that long ago
it’s true do you think there’s ever like
do you think there’s like an old bar
that’s like
yeah it’s probably it’s probably
population 82 in mississippi yeah
mississippi that’s the
that’s the like cousin [ __ ] state and
i don’t agree okay is it okay here’s the
thing it’s i’m saying one thing happened
somewhere and that’s the label i’m
wondering if there’s actually statistics
it’s like wow that’s actually a really
hi uh i’m at the town hall can i get the
cousin [ __ ] statistics wait i i’m sure
they probably do
how many cups no no inbred in
most inbred states
well just like california no it’s not
two city boy
most inbred state in the u.s is it
because there’s what what is it
washington’s first
eastern washington
it’s gotta be like montana is another
one
the most is washington
i feel like
uh
what
brazil japan india and israel the most
inbred countries but apparently
washington’s up there i need to look
into this hold on japan inbreeding is
the production of okay we all know what
everybody don’t think it like hands cut
off for just like
i don’t know i don’t know
okay so researchers from the university
of queensland researching this observe
observe 450 000 genomes from people of
european descent okay this could be for
descent born from 1938 to 1967 out of
the group 125 people met the inbreeding
criteria meaning the parents were either
first-degree relatives siblings or
secondary relatives aunts uncles in this
group researchers found common health
issues such as decreased cognitive
abilities and
otherwise they were
okay disabled you don’t know what i
don’t get so the first humans you know
we got adam and eve and [ __ ]
right yeah you know i’m going with this
so adam and eve have some kids
there’s no one else to [ __ ]
so you’re saying they just like didn’t
know any better okay well i’m guessing
okay well it’s like you gotta clap your
mom’s pictures just received
yeah maybe tough choices maybe back then
was more like a chore like or maybe it
wasn’t weird maybe it’s just like
we have to keep the population going so
i feel like that’s one on me mom
like what
i feel like back i i mean obviously
oh that’s a tough one huh talk about a
hard 50 50. yeah
on one hand you came out of that one
another one you’ve already been in that
one sometimes
that’s tough yeah that’s that’s a tough
what was adam and eve’s kane abel and
seth
so if you were go to war like
if you were go to war in like medieval
times okay like what would be
like your weapon loadout what would it
be oh yeah um like in the night like the
crusades or something so this is like
obviously way back i would like to
think that i would be like a legolas so
i’d be like you know i’m not asking who
you are i’m asking what your weapon of
choice is
explaining it it’s like you don’t have
to explain it your weapons it’s weapons
of range we got throwing knives we got
bow and arrows i mean yes i have my
small daggers to chip
chip chop you know so you she’d be an
archer that would be my thing i’d
probably want to be an archer but okay
here’s the thing you’re on i’m not gonna
be the guy in the front line just uh
you’re just getting [ __ ] stabbed in
there i agree i’m saying okay the
question is you’re in a battlefield
there’s thousands of guys versus other
thousands of guys you’re sitting there
in there you want to be in the front but
i’m saying you choose what you’re
carrying
to [ __ ] kill what are you choosing
yeah that’s what i said
a bow
oh like i have to charge to the like
you’re in the group you’re you’re in a
fight you’re in a fight definitely a
shield and like
uh on my waist is like a nice not a long
sword like a medium-sized sword
but then a big spear one of the big
spears so i can skewer the housing
spears no like the big ones where they
lay them down i would i would want one
to throw before as we approach i’m gonna
make a kebab out of these guys
and just kind of wave it around you know
[ __ ] slap them yeah yeah i would
probably do the shield and then i’d do
like like a a short light axe here like
a double-sided light axe and then i have
like a machete type thing on my back
right and then this is where it gets
interesting throwing knives on my belt
right yeah and then guess what i’m doing
okay i’m i’m assuming because when the
fight definitely doesn’t mean we’re on a
horse
but
what i’m going to do
is i’m definitely going to charge in
and then
like grab as many weapons off the ground
and throw them at people and then keep
going
so it’s a lot of range yeah there’s a
lot of stuff i can use so i’m gonna ask
the worst part of that is like
it’s so [ __ ] up because there’s so
many people fighting it’s like at any
point the dude over here can be like oh
this guy’s not paying attention yeah
exactly so you’re just [ __ ]
like in the movies when everyone’s
fighting around they’re just like
chatting yeah or like i’m saying the one
the main character have in a battle one
dude can be like
yeah you’re [ __ ] dead yeah maybe it
was like an etiquette thing back then or
something but um like an honor thing
yeah um so this we’re going to get we’re
going to tap into your violent side here
so say like
you could you someone just offered you
and said you could go back in time with
an apache helicopter to one of those
battle
oh the alamo i’d save my boys
yeah like
would you like
what’s funny is like it’s not that
complicated a machinery but you could
just go
no battle’s over or like you know and um
like you’ll see war movies and like
like there’s like um let me see what
other battle on the battle of blood
ridge yeah or like
you see like you’ll see a custard’s last
name yeah custard like and you’ll see
like it’s oh it’s 10 dudes versus
200 300 like or like yep or 300 bro
imaginate they’re in that little
one humvee with [ __ ] ton of ammunition
all of those dudes are dead all of them
dude okay i’m not saying this would be
fun it would not that would be fun no
like it’s like rude rick and morty go
into another dimension and they start
purging people on their planet yeah i
would want to do that i’m sorry that
would be cool i will pilot the
helicopter like can you imagine no
fortunate sons playing dude
the [ __ ] aztecs are coming
no it’s crazy ever seen that legal scene
in like 300 it’s like dude
five dudes with machine guns like with
all the aiming they need to sit in there
all those dudes are [ __ ] dead yeah
crazy yeah technology right i would i
would want to swoop in and save my
spartan boys
that’d be pretty that’d be pretty cool
yeah i can’t believe 300 dudes stood up
but where did we hear the story from
like who wrote this down
because they’ve been handed down for
thousands of years i’m saying the
victors tell the story the dudes all
died yeah but then persia after that
persia everyone rose up against persia
was in his name xerxes with all the
[ __ ] [ __ ]
voice imagine if he said i like a
high-pitched voice gum leonidas i just
reasoned together
no that was a secret but no they did
lose talk about stamina man talk about
stamina you know those guys [ __ ]
[ __ ] in bed
yeah they didn’t just [ __ ] they like
chiropracted they ravaged destroyed they
conquered lands they called for women
and women should not be conquered they
should be loved on churches
like they’ve wrapped their wife around
the [ __ ] post over there or something
like
come back with their head okay that was
not a
[ __ ] silver platter no but yeah it’s
crazy because back then like you know
i’m sure you read about like
historically like their kids were sent
off to like
yeah when they’re like six when they
were like six they were just supposed to
steal and beat each other up and [ __ ]
and then they were sent into the
wilderness at 13 and if they didn’t kill
like a wolf or something they couldn’t
come back and they had like an egg and
they had to like bring back the egg
what egg
there was a thing they would have an egg
and
they had to like go into the wilderness
for like several days and fight off [ __ ]
and come back with the egg untouched
that’s insane all right yeah wait seem
more [ __ ] up like remember like
that’s actually a fact i just tape it
tomorrow i’m not saying the movie’s all
facts it’s obviously a movie but i’m
saying they did like when someone would
have a newborn baby someone would
inspect it and if they were like
deformed or had any health they would
throw him off cliff and [ __ ] kill him
unless they were perfect they wouldn’t
keep him so they had abortions back then
too
jesus
damn but yeah cause like there it was
for fighting it’s like we have no use
for you so huh
so all that all guys were good for was
just fighting yes
what about fine arts what about
literature
actually the athenians were ah
which were also technically greece and
stuff but they were known for their
education really i believe athena was
the goddess of wisdom who was also
represented by an owl
and sovio drake
athena was actually ovo
do you know
lewis or
louis louis the 14th in france access
where louis v was started yeah actually
louis v was known for its luggage never
it’s designer clothes
until nowadays dude louis v nickname was
actually certified lover boy so
what are we at right now he’s [ __ ]
47. i think we’re good there i’m
probably pocket we’re good [ __ ] all
right well
cool
thanks for sticking around guys [ __ ] you
guys
so yeah um hot ones
episode is coming to like it’s not well
we’re recording it tonight it’s gonna be
hot but it’s gonna be our first paid one
and
maybe that’s why we just are like [ __ ]
this episode because
all our energy’s gonna go into that one
but i’m just kidding but i will say
hey yes this things are gonna get hot
these are heat things are heating up
over here huh so the hot ones episodes
coming and the paid subscription
patreon’s dropping and it’s gonna
episodes a week early episodes a week
early um we’ll still be doing the ones
we do now like right now but um those
are gonna be really good so i’m excited
for that so if you don’t have enough jnz
in your life you know enough uh
i mean you’re gonna lose a few brain
cells listening to us but you know what
you can have a good time it’s a glass of
wine for your mind yes yes it is
and um
also
it’s a little taste of heaven in your
ears
but yeah uh creeping up on four thousand
downloads now thank you everybody
and um we will be posting
probably within the next few weeks
because obviously summer’s ending
rest in peace i’m actually pissed about
it but then we’re gonna have like a new
like a lot more types of hoodies et
cetera because it’ll be fun so
um and that’ll be good because actually
i love it and blankets we have blankets
now uh yeah i like hoodie and cold
season at least so we can change things
up so jack where can they find you they
can find me at jack underscore spence on
instagram and wherever else you want to
find me zee where can they find them
isaiah lesner both our instagram pages
on around the lunch table instagram page
um
but yeah i think that’s all we have for
you guys today um when is the hot ones
one gonna drop then
well
i explain the patreon thing too because
i’m saying yeah the hot ones episode
just depends when jordan edited it so
yeah
could be a day it could be a month we’ll
see that’s true um we’re just kidding
jordan we love you um the hot ones
episode basically when that is done is
when the patreon is dropping yeah so
that is our first paid episode the whole
point of that is that you don’t get that
episode or any of the other exclusive
episodes the around the lunch table
after dark series
um
you have to pay for it you can’t get it
now the other things you get is you also
get episodes a week early so from here
on out
we will be
because we’re an episode ahead we will
be
there will be released an extra episode
yada yada yada and then exclusives
access to the discord 10 off merch i’ll
look
excuse me all the good [ __ ] so yeah it’s
pretty cool
so yeah um i think that’s all we have
for you guys today um like one more
thing
can i say it i wasn’t gonna say no
uh we gave you 38 episodes for free so
that one’s on us now
now it’s your time to buy around here we
go but yeah okay well realistically but
we’ll still be doing the normal thing we
do now
um if you can’t do it which is fine but
um they are just the paid ones are
obviously going to be better so we just
want to give other options and [ __ ]
professionals especially developed by
aputure ocean production yeah well you
know it’s actually crazy there’s a whole
crew three cameras lights camera action
yeah and then we’re doing a porno after
so that’ll be fun yeah uh pornhub.com
in the lunch table
you can check us out there oh but yeah
thanks guys anyways we’ll see you next
week and see ya
[Music]
let’s get rowdy up in here
