J & Z have a very special guest who needs no introduction. The one and only Jacob Moore. There is so much covered in this episode we don’t know how to write a summary, but he did state he killed 120 squirrels in summer. Which seems preposterous. Follow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/aroundthelunchtable/?hl=en
what’s going on slapdex welcome back to
around the lunch table episode
36 it’s 36
or 37 one of the other we don’t know um
we have with us an amazing guest who
requires no introduction
no newly grazed father grace
he’s an entrepreneur he’s a day trader
he does all of it he does all of it
he’s with us today and we have god it’s
been once since elementary school like
sixth grade fifth grade
oh it’s been a long long time yeah it’s
been a long time i have a funny story
about jacob oh if i can share it
okay well i was you know i will say
something before he goes into it
there’s a lot of times he’s he tells
stories where they’re not
necessarily true yeah it’s it’s a
fabrication but before we go
let me do it let me do let me do the
sponsor thank you to our sponsor
aperture oceans before i forget bringing
ideas and ads to life
and it hasn’t happened yet but shout out
to cascadia pizza for when we do our hot
ones episodes
they’ll be buying them wings for us okay
anyways um because i had a question but
it’s good
oh we have two questions good do you
wanna go first well no because we
were talking about i wanna hear jack’s
story i don’t wanna hear it because i’m
sure it’s gonna be fabricated
it’s not actually
um so it was uh it was on the playground
oh fourth or fifth was this bowl cut oh
geez no i never had a bowl cut
i remember so you used to have your you
used to get your hair dyed right
yeah there’s frosting from frosted tests
yeah and i remember you walked on the
playground you came in a little bit late
justin timberlake and you had you had
the hair dyed it was the times and you
told all of us that your mom made you
was that true or did you want the
frosted tip i didn’t want him she
proposed it
ah so it was true that’s good yeah the
bad she didn’t she did propose it
because we all thought you were like
because
she’s always wanted you know she always
loved me to be in
you know yeah in style it was at times
and it was a thing then you know yeah
and she’s like hey you don’t want to do
this and i was like i don’t know
cause she wouldn’t let me get a bowl cut
i wanted a bowl cut because there’s a
kid
that i remember went to grace for like
one year need a bowl cut and i thought
he was so cool
but she never let me do that and then
she said well you can get frosty tips
and i went i don’t know and she’s like
just dude it’ll be cool justin
timberlake doesn’t i was like ah okay
that’s a cool mom though because like
i wore all of z’s hand-me-downs so i had
the style of the previous year
my mom did everything in her power
to make sure you slayed to make sure
isolated
she succeeded she really did so what
were you going to say
well it’s it’s it’s unrelated to the um
to the topic but i was going to say
i was going to talk about something it’s
called post-nut syndrome
okay i wasn’t talking about something
yeah like after like posting yeah like
when you guys
as a wise man once said little wayne aka
dwayne michael carr jr said as soon as i
come i come to my senses oh yeah
it’s true is it not true and
we’ve all been through this we’re all
adults yes like where you know maybe you
have some extracurricular activities
and that that’s when you find out if you
really like them because it’s like
it’s not like it’s a different person
you’re a different person yeah it’s it’s
not like hey
i planned this it’s like i don’t make
the shots i didn’t it was called the
shot it’s like a primal thing you did it
yeah you’re like ooh
then you really think about it yeah it’s
like my intentions were i well actually
was it this is
a good intention and you feel like you
feel like an [ __ ] but it’s like
and they think oh were you playing this
whole time no i didn’t i i didn’t make
the
question i didn’t call this your
question my question is
is yeah do you think it’s it’s a real
thing oh
yeah for sure i agree you know everybody
knows
everybody knows it’s weird though it’s
it is weird
it is a weird thing it’s we’re going to
go from 100
to zero yeah you’re like way into it and
the reason is because
i’m a lot of women are under the
impression it’s like oh you’re just a
douchebag it’s like
no i actually was like that was the yeah
that was the other meme
i actually like i’m not calling the
shots it’s also like a divide and
conquer thing you know you’re like i
just wanna
risk it yeah you’re just like i just
wanna do it i just wanna win you know i
wanna get that i wanna conquer that lane
i wanna buy that monopoly piece or
whatever and then you do it and you’re
like it’s not that
you know and then a couple weeks go by
and you’re like oh i’m there again but
i’m really not but you know
and it’s like yeah well i never go back
if i have that post no situation have
you
never i used to go back oh i know you
did have you ever gone down
trail of like porn and you’re like
really into it
and then you you know and you’re like
yeah yeah
okay okay listen and you’re like and and
afterwards you’re excited
what the [ __ ] did i just exactly you’re
like oh i guess i’m into this
have you ever okay or like even better
question when it’s like under the video
share to facebook who’s doing that yeah
who’s sharing i’m sure this one’s my
favorite
video you know who’s gonna see this
[ __ ] mitch mitch just got to see this
crazy shirt like a message would
probably be
even even that who’s doing that
who’s the person sharing videos after
they watch them after your people
you’re in shame the walk of shame who’s
sharing it back into episode one
it’s the same people that go to those um
booby coffee stands exactly
oh yeah there’s a lot of creeps out
there i i can honestly say
i have known z for my entire life we
have never shared one porn video
actually there was one why would we i
remember i met these guys one time that
used to watch it together
that’s do it together okay well now
we’re on a whole thing
did you want to continue jack off
together yeah like
like separately like back to back in
fact it’s not like they’re in like
corners like if you and i sat at this
computer screen right now and we were
just both doing it like we were both
there alone
wow yeah that’s a little i can’t even
pee with someone else in the room
not my thing i have to do math to like
yeah yeah he does math in his head but
yeah because levi gerardo
retweeted something that said if you do
multiplication
it’ll help you pee and it actually works
because i’m saying if you if you have a
problem peeing already
no i’m saying if you’re ready you’re in
all this three like for a second it kind
of takes you a minute to get it
i think you know maybe it’s a confidence
thing it’s not
it’s not because i look to my left and
right like i’m bigger but i still can’t
be
you look that’s yeah i can tell you the
truth i’ve never i’ve never another man
i have tunnel vision like
you know because that could just avoid a
situation there you know i did have one
guy looking at me one time and i was
like bro
i literally confronted him i was at the
oregon state game and he was looking
under the thing looking at your people i
was like dude what are you doing
it was just like dude i’m just looking
man he’s like okay what was it like a
or was it a no he was like looking like
out of the corner of his eye like this
and i’m like dude what are you doing bro
he’s like oh my god
he’s like my bad i was just checking out
the competition i said [ __ ] you want to
see it tell me
i’ll put it on just ask just ask you
know i’ll set it on your shoulder dude
you know what i’ve never understood we
talked about this in this podcast before
but you weren’t here and maybe you heard
maybe you didn’t
thank you i’ve never understood
i’m not going to say it no no you’ve
never i’ve never understood
i’m just going to say it this is raunchy
it’s not the
gangbang i’ve never got
who watches that because you can’t put
yourself in poor woman
can’t put yourself i don’t care like
unless you had like a bunch of mr me
seeks and
like maybe that’s about it
hi mr music look at me oh
what about your short game dude but yeah
i’m saying
who the [ __ ] watches you are the dudes i
would never be comfortable just
and they don’t get paid a lot and it’s
that’s what’s weird
is like you if you guys don’t think
they’re there for the money if you paid
me a lot
and you said look we need you in here
you’re the missing piece of this puzzle
there’s gonna be six other guys
i think it’s down so the faces should
obviously get paid cheap it’s casual
i would say how much and if they said
like 100 grand and i was single
i could but they wouldn’t say a hundred
grand for a dude who’s gonna show his
face you know if
i said if but if not like how do porn
people make
money because it’s all free they don’t
get paid people subscribe to their
things i think right
and pay premiums or some [ __ ] oh they
probably have like only fans
no i’m saying even on like that the same
thing
i i just don’t understand because like
all porn is pretty much free okay well
i’m saying but also like you know
there’s memberships that’s okay there’s
memberships i know that the industry
makes a lot of money but yeah people
don’t
yes they did no no some of them like a
lot of
ones like the top ten or something like
that don’t probably do something they
still like
see and i watched a documentary the
other day about the porn industry
literally like half of it it was
actually a drugs inc half of them are on
[ __ ]
which makes traffic and they [ __ ]
talk about like i have to smoke meth
before this to loosen up and really give
it for the show
yeah it’s crazy but i’m saying and they
talk i’m saying a lot of them make a lot
of [ __ ] money because imagine
that you’re in the room and how did you
go
especially if you’re doing drugs like
they come in like i am a piece of [ __ ]
you’d probably always be high you’d
always be up but my thing is like
imagine the people
that were in that are like videotaping
you know who’s the [ __ ] camera
camera guys
oh [ __ ] i mean i bet you they don’t i
bet you that they get desensitized to it
i mean like their first couple times but
how do you go into that and then it’s
like
oh yeah these are my co-workers one grab
a coffee how do you think when they get
on set do you think that the girl and
the guy just shake hands like hi nice to
meet you i’m going to [ __ ] [ __ ] out
of you i guess
there are some times where they’re like
looking at each other and they’re like
smiling and enjoying
it and [ __ ] like it’s but i’m sure that
only comes around once but it’s still an
intimate
act it wouldn’t be a bad deal on drugs
you were like the top guy
because you’re johnny baby you know you
asked me about um
crushes i i’m gonna pull a drake i’m
going to pull drake here
no nikki uh mia khalifa mia khalifa wow
nice yeah nice because she’s like you
know she was a pretty big social media
she’s from iraq right
huh am i right she’s middle east
somewhere i forgot where oh
saudi arabia but you know she came out
with a big thing like it was like this
video like it wasn’t worth it it was
terrible
i know they all say that at some point
i’m sure i didn’t even know who she was
until drake
um remember drake commented on our
instagram or something and then it was
like a big thing
oh you hear about that i don’t know how
long ago that was bum saying i’ve known
of her for a long time and then he
ended up impregnating some random porn
girl oh yeah doesn’t have like an albino
kid
uh adonis adonis yeah it’s albino though
right
i don’t know if he’s albino but i’m
saying he did say he was funny
dna test three times to make sure you
won’t know what’s funny is like drake
you know he wants people to know that
like i could kill you if i want you know
and he’s not he doesn’t have that
he doesn’t have that i know but what’s
funny is like you know he says the m
word a lot but his son is
white as [ __ ] i just find that what i’m
saying he’s there that’s the mix of it
because i’m saying
drake is also like mixed he’s like
and then like his wife whatever she is
that’s you know that’s what you get the
other thing i don’t get so
do you remember so you know there’s a
lot of cancer culture out there which we
don’t give a [ __ ] about jesus okay
but here’s the thing so there is a song
so
this is why i don’t get logic right oh
yeah i’m not into it i’m not i’m not i’m
not a big logic fan but
i’m not saying such a rapping but i’ve
been a fan you’re in your career right
he’s had some good things and everyone i
mean listen to it
he can spit but can we admit i know
maybe eminem fell off a little bit but
everyone wanted to track with him and
then he was the
yeah okay so he got one with eminem okay
and he did a song with him yeah and the
first
10 seconds he says the n word yeah
because apparently he’s
isn’t he black like of a certain like
apparently he is some
that’s like black dude you’re playing
well
i feel like did he grow up in uh inner
city the thing is he never once had said
it and then it’s all of a sudden oh well
i can’t like it’s just
he never did before that no no exactly
if he wasn’t ready it’s like okay like
yes
whatever yeah it’s strange because like
if like if a [ __ ] senator says it
they’re [ __ ] okay well that’s
different yeah that’s the thing
but john said it and got kicked off his
own board he said it with an r but
yeah and i’m pretty sure he meant it the
thing is what i’m saying
is logic literally said because i came
out of your balls
and then and then just stole it like
yeah he did he did and it was like why
is like this can we talk about eminem
old
old eminem untouchable oh lemonade about
girls go around
untouchable yeah i’m saying obviously
yeah hit wise yeah it’s not the same as
it was now but you got to respect
all [ __ ] he’s done come on now i have a
phone he’s he’s good dude he’s
too good dude plays insane he’s a
lyricist
like yeah you’re right i don’t play
eminem’s
recent albums as i’m driving down the
street but you god damn right i show
respect to the well
i remember the last the last like recent
song i really listened to was like back
when it came out and it was
i’m not afraid recovery discovery yeah
yeah
and i’m saying obviously it’s not the
same now but i’m saying you still gotta
respect everything he’s done
man like he’s good yeah
you were saying two trailer park girls
going around the outside i had a uh
rowdy outside we had we got to play a
baseball game at the tacoma rainier
stadium we got to choose a walk-up song
so i chose that song thinking that they
would play the first part of that two
trailer park girls around the outside
by the way i ended up striking out six
times in a row and why wait
why why when is me i’m pretty sure it
was an omen and the part that they
played
was the guess who’s back back again so
every time
a good song is uh mockingbird
mockingbird’s a great song haley i know
you miss your mom
great fantastic yeah i yeah he’s
you know he has a three album series
like that
the thing is i will say jc jason i don’t
like jay-z
totally really tall i love it not even a
little bit but not even the whole
print the blueprint the blackout like
really i’ve never been into it never
been into
about kanye like my dark beautiful dark
types of fantasy that is my favorite
album yeah
so good kanye song well graduation
graduation i love graduation heartbreak
there was he dude he’s had
i loved what was that song on graduation
um stronger flashing lights yeah
stronger dude
flashing where are you punk that was
that was awesome
yeah flashing lights is my favorite song
and my beautiful dark twisted fantasy is
my [ __ ] favorite album
every song every song back-to-back
it’s great bumper-to-bum it’s so good
it’s so good you know i wish i knew more
but i don’t dude yeah listen to what
you’re
playing i was playing some of it earlier
i’m saying like all of on my beautiful
dark twists what’s crazy is how much
they cut out
so there was what’s nuts so there was
like 10 years ago it came out 10 years
ago like oh the lights wasn’t the
biggest price yeah so they it came out
10 years ago
and literally before it dropped there
was the guy who did the music video for
the whole album
he got an album sent to him in a zip
file in an email right
it was password locked and someone had
saying this is recent yes well no i’m
saying
this was before the album dropped 10
years ago okay someone hacked his
or got his password for his email got
the zip folder but
for some reason i don’t know technology
wasn’t that good they couldn’t crack
into it
like 16 pirate bay yeah six months ago
throwback six months ago some reddit
threads started and they’re like dude
remember that zip file that everyone had
before the album leaked like
we should crack that [ __ ] 30 minutes
later some anonymous dude cracked it
and the salt there was like entire lil
wayne was on it
big sean was on yeah all of the lights
all over the world
jay-z was on power what he doesn’t know
that song
dude all of the lights in here maybe
extra bright i want y’all to see
this it was rihanna singing that bro oh
my god
not very cultured dude the songs were
like ten minutes long
and power had jay z two extra co they
cut it all out yeah i cut it all out and
so this leaked later like ten years
later but
it also could have been label type sure
he couldn’t whatever it could have yeah
they should have just not been the fit
that yeah but i mean it’s they’re
[ __ ] amazing
dude i can’t believe you don’t know what
song we’re talking about that is amazing
it was
i was raised on like old music i know
that i love all these but i’m saying no
but my point is i didn’t start listening
to rap
until after that stuff yeah okay well
i’m saying you listen to my beautiful
dark twists of fantasy
yeah that that’s good the thing is like
so my parents were against music i never
grew up with any of their music because
they didn’t listen to yeah but you were
more he’s a big rick astley guy
oh
dude it took me like after 18 to learn
all the [ __ ] oldies because i listen
to myself because like my parents never
my parents are big all these
fans my parents played like
bluegrass hymns and [ __ ] my parents
weren’t into 80s music
and my mom was in the 90s rap like ll
cool j nice
like she loved that [ __ ] and so that’s
what i listened to like
uh i think it’s him summer summer
summertime
he also has that one like shawn smith
bro i was i was raised on will smith
literally like yeah
the only rapper doesn’t cuss it was good
i love he’s a great rapper
he had he had he was for the children it
was good for the children and that he
had a song that was comparable to
uh eminem’s mockingbird and it was oh
just the
two of us he did a remake with him and
his camera oh i thought you said i’m
like that
like when uh jayden smith was born he
did like a rap he rapped
and like you know changes yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah jayden smith
on the never say never album never say
never
he’s bigger than me stronger than me how
did anyone let that happen
but he’s not on a jb song with me oh
yeah
no pun intended was raised by the power
of will ah
raps but it’s okay listen that was
actually pretty good though he was young
hey side note side note i’m saying as a
little kid
hell of a dancer i wonder what his net
worth would be if he was just
on his own like you know i’m saying no
no no i’m not saying like if his dad
will smith like his dad hooked him up
but i wonder what his net worth is aside
from his like inheritance i think my
question would have been like what was
his path because obviously he’s will
smith’s son so he has all his music
fashion
acting like which one would it have been
i don’t think it would have been
you know they were moving to a different
planet um it was with will smith
it was yeah that was yeah it was okay
like that was the first one he did
i know you’re talking you always say
he’s a third he doesn’t know what the
great movie
right but do you even know what that is
the board game the board game
give me one part of that movie the
winner who’s
he came home from your house and he was
like
you gotta look and me and him watch them
all again they’re so good the second
they came back from your house
they’re so good so good man we had
remember we watched
we were people were like wow this is
dude these are so we stayed up all
right um even you know what’s underrated
we were talking about jumper being
underrated great failure that’s one of
those
you know what else is underrated is i
think it’s called maze runner
you ever see that i did watch that that
was once
i don’t know i don’t know who that is if
i’m saying it was she was the girl on
the
do you remember the the movie with miles
teller where they
who’s i love miles 21 and over do you
remember when he was like
the guy in college partying and then he
ended up with her
yes it’s a love it’s a it’s a romance
yeah it’s that girl is in maze running
isn’t there another one
that’s pretty complicated i love miles
at like the same time there was like
hunger games that’s a good that’s a
really good movie more dogs but um
hunger games maze runner miles teller
war dogs that’s miles teller not johnny
hill the other guy that’s miles teller
oh okay yeah love him so he’s a project
what’s the other movie that came out
around that time
and it was like kind of like that
elimination [ __ ]
yeah it was almost the exact same thing
like post-apocalyptic a little more than
that
because maze runner was like the same
thing they were in this thing and that
came out that was
that was but it was like a battle royale
movie the last one survived it was that
kind of thing describe it describe it it
was
literally hunger games but different
actors and somebody tried to rip it off
but they were like
moderately big like there was a couple
of them i don’t know if you asked me
that now before somebody runner i would
say maze runner that’s the only one i’m
thinking of
there’s another one though okay well
while we just while we continue there’s
another one and i want to know what it
is because that girl is actually pretty
um attractive in that one uh can i ask
you a question jacob do you
when you pa when you’re like at a
stoplight and a homeless person next to
you do you hit him cash
i have one time i buy this guy taco bell
i bought this guy taco bell one time
and uh i had a conversation with him for
like probably 30 minutes
in ashland nicest guy ever dude he had a
construction company
and it went under and then his wife left
them and like wow what a great
experience that’s the [ __ ]
part about it craziest there are those
who are dead with
homeless people at 7-eleven one thing i
will say when you’re in the car it’s
easy to handle money
but say you’re walking through the
street there’s one guy playing a
saxophone oh [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah yeah
and then i want to give him money but
then there’s another guy comes up and
it’s like
all right what are you gonna do for me
here like have you ever had a bad
experience with a homeless person
um the divergent nothing die
diver have you ever gotten cut
even got like cut off on the freeway and
then you catch up to the driver cut you
off
and it’s so weird it could be anybody
like i [ __ ] knew it
it could be anything like what did you
know who knows it’s just a random like
i [ __ ] know oh grandma shut up
to tell you the truth i [ __ ] knew it
this is all this sounds like a flex but
it’s not and i live i live in medford
not in seattle but
i do not have road rage at all not even
a little bit
either either either oh i’m also not a
shitty driver so everything sometimes
it’s a way for you sometimes i go come
on bro you know i got to fight when
these parking lot cause road rage
i’ve never honked in anybody i’ve never
said like i’ve flipped people off before
though
i’ve never flipped me off me off i was
on the phone me and my dad are
completely opposite people right
i was on the phone with my dad having
road rage oh my gosh i was on the phone
with my
my dad the other day and he goes hold on
and i’m like what so i’m listening
he goes you [ __ ] and starts
bro starts yelling at this guy and he
goes yo yeah and the guy’s yelling at
him i could hear it and i’m like what
the [ __ ]
this is like a three minute ordeal jesse
starts squirrel falls over on the side
of the road
and he goes i live right here if you
want a [ __ ] foothold later yeah it
was right in front of his house
he goes i live right here you want to
[ __ ] come back here i’ll kick your
ass oh [ __ ]
boba all this stuff bro he was going off
and i thought dude i’m going to hear a
gunshot here in a second i mean it was
that
it was that intense dude and i was like
holy [ __ ] and then he’s like
sorry i’m like what was that yeah i’m
not a road rager like i’ll say what the
[ __ ]
i’ve been flipped off and i flipped them
off back other than that have you ever
been the person that accidentally cut
someone off or something you’re like
[ __ ]
yes yes and then you’re just sitting
there and then there’s like
that was the road rage in washington i
feel like [ __ ] i didn’t accidentally but
like he like stopped to let me in and i
thought oh he’s letting me in but then
he freaked out
and then he put me off i flipped him off
and they followed me it’s not weird i
feel like i’ve gotten to fight the older
generation
they’ve always been like that like the
older generation what the baby are they
baby boomers
yeah you know their parents they’re like
what’s the middle age
that’s baby boomers they’re a baby no
just all around like i i can’t yell at a
stranger
i can’t do it no matter what they do i
understand if i’m yelled at you know
what i mean
did i ever tell you about that one time
that mallory almost got kidnapped wait
what what
dude crazy story is in there you’ve
heard it first here atlt
live so we went to like we went to an
eagles game and how long ago was that
eagles game shut up eagles concert like
the eagles
no [ __ ] that was when it happened was it
a cover band or the real eagles no it’s
really really exciting
i like how you told me that but never
told me that it was right after
um glenn frye died and his son played
deacon fry
play uh take it easy
it’s pretty sick name but anyways so
it’s a great concert so we’re leaving
we’re in uh at t park you know what’s
your name like a german shepherd deacon
anyways what do you call him deke like
you [ __ ]
or the person right under a pastor but
yeah go ahead sure yeah
so okay jack came from a catholic family
so anyways conservative baptist it’s a
cult don’t join
um so we were walking out of there and
it was me my mom my dad
and mallory and this guy walks up we’re
drunk
right yeah we’ve been there for four
hours yeah yeah sketchy cool
loud mouth soup in you yeah we’re
waiting for an uber and this guy comes
up
and grabs malory by the wrist and says
come on and she’s like
no and he’s like pulling her and i’m
standing right there and i’m like what
the [ __ ] didn’t do anything
i said what the [ __ ] dude and and he
like let go and kind of ran away
i was like what the hell he comes back
five minutes later maybe
with three guys and they come back and
every time we call jc they’re well he
was there
and my dad flipped i mean i was like i
was like
i was still good between her and them
you know and i was looking at them
like letting them know [ __ ] i know
you’re here but
he was like chasing him down he said you
want to [ __ ] go you i mean
goes off how old were they because
jaycee’s got
they were probably 30 or something like
that but they literally he he grabbed
her and
was yanking her what the [ __ ] it wasn’t
like come on and then she’s right now in
front of you
yeah just like trying to do because he’s
not experienced it was kind of a crowd
so it could have been easy for her to
get lost in it you know but he was like
pulling her away
dude it was nothing that is [ __ ]
what’s where does he ask you like let’s
go like she’s gonna be like okay no she
cuz she was resisting and he was saying
that’s another thing i’ve never been
i’ve never
understood obviously that’s an extreme
version of it even like i’m saying i’ve
never
understood the people who will like be
at like a club and there’s a girl
dancing and they’ll just go up and dance
with them
like that super assertive unless she’s
like really looking you down there’s a
difference between being like assertive
and just [ __ ] weird
yeah like i i would never do that i had
this one that did that to me one time i
was down in l.a
and we were if a girl does it to you
that’s actually we were dancing and
like it was like a couple of us just
hanging out couple guys and she like
walks up to me and grabs me
and she like takes me out there to dance
and i’m like oh haha
like you were into it i mean not really
it was like okay she’s like dancing
she’s like
my dad’s a professional baseball player
i’m like
okay what the [ __ ] can we do with that
information what are you
yeah i’m like okay i gotta go like i
just
she was not like wait what team yeah i’m
like is he still or was he
but who says that like that’s somebody
who’s obviously been handed everything
in her life
my dad’s a baseball player like that’s
the first thing they say is mention
their
parents that’s your identity
it’s like it’s like it’s like when a
wife gets an argument my father my my
father my husband’s a cop
okay yeah the [ __ ] okay i was i don’t
know
if you get what’s your father you’d have
a meeting they kick out all the rats
it’s kind of like saying my dad works at
microsoft i’m gonna hack you
it’s the same thing yeah remember when
we used to um
scam people jack yeah ten percent i’ve
never said it on this podcast but i’ll
just
tell the story i’d love to hear um kind
of don’t
you were definitely a part of it i was
like the front man
if we were smart do you guys remember
message to all friends and recent
players
oh no we would go into a ground okay
by the way if we were smart we’d get
real money not microsoft points but we
were going to a groundwork
for those of you don’t know what call of
duty ground war is the biggest lobby you
can get to get the most recent players
like 20 people
you send a message out threesome players
say hey your boy is hosting a 10th
prestige lobby
just like that 1200 microsoft points or
whatever 16 it was 1600.
1600 microsoft going right because they
wasn’t 20 dollars
1600 or 3200 yes sir okay you’re right
no 600 or 4 000.
um the uh it was 1600 or 4 000. you
could be right but i don’t remember
um and so dude well you should know you
drained my plane trade account
[ __ ] my story please z tell it he’s here
i have done a lot of things in my
life i think i ever did dude that’s the
worst thing ever i’m telling you what
i had i i you money i i literally worked
up i’m like also like
they didn’t even buy good games i was
like 15. i had worked with playing
championships
playing trade is basically gamestop but
it was like a private company in medford
and i had like sold games in the past at
consoles to work up my store credit
and so i had like a couple hundred
dollars in there and that’s a big
[ __ ] deal
that’s like it wasn’t a couple hundred
it was that it was like 200 something it
was and what’s crazy is that you just
had to say the name it was
like one way i’m saying it was it was
enough to like i’m like wow any new game
comes out
any xbox i remember so i could buy it
well if you could do the math you wanted
to get a game
you wanted to get a game and your kids
are like hey my boy
game was assassin’s creed assassin’s
creed
and so i remember to this day can i say
what a g
letting him buy a game i know what a
nice guy i just screwed him so i have
all this store credit
and that was when danny worked there
danny shay yeah yeah and so like i have
all the store credits got married shout
out and i sold like a bunch of [ __ ] to
them over the past so i i’m bowling
i’m a young guy a little nerd and i have
hella store credit
new game comes out
it was he bought assassin’s creed 60
bucks he bought
xbox live membership or something for
like wireless and a wireless adapter
which was a hundred bucks back then i
needed it and so he spent like 200 beans
the wireless was a hundred the game was
60. the xbox live membership was like
60 yeah for 12 months yeah you bought 12
months i bought a 12
because i went in there and then i had
three dollars left or something and i’m
like
you son of a [ __ ] [ __ ] oh yeah dude
that was the worst thing i ever did
and the thing was hey this is the thing
too i didn’t actually [ __ ]
like go to my mom and snitch my mom my
mom was with me
like when i went in the store because i
was buying something and my mom had gone
with me every time i sold stuff
my mom went every time i sold stuff she
thought you just no and the guy can feel
that i’m like wait what how is that
possible
and then she was like wait where’d all
your stuff go because she was with me
and then
i guess she probably questioned me i
probably eventually said what’s that
did you say
that was messed up i remember my parents
like they wouldn’t buy me games like
they weren’t
like it was like they’d buy christmas
they laid down anything else but they
were this side of the mississippi it was
fresh
dude it was weird they went through
[ __ ] [ __ ] went
jesus they went through facebook fridays
black friday shopped me they would they
would do
things for me and the next thing you
know i’m like can i get this game
they’re like no you know
and they let you do everything else that
makes sense i know that’s what i’m
saying it’s weird you could have great
selections you have girls at your house
oh yeah
and they weren’t yeah terrible idea for
for them but yeah anyways so i remember
that was like around the time
where they wouldn’t like let me buy
stuff and i was like oh i have credit
i’ll just take advantage of my friend
yeah
terrible i can’t believe i did that but
let’s talk about that now let’s
talk about jack taking advantage of the
general public
and also let’s talk about you know how
jack always is in other words fraud
fake news so jack told me one time jack
told me one time he said
yeah you remember when we were doing all
that stuff with uh scamming people on
xbox live
yeah the fbi came to my house
and he said and they found uh my paypal
with a million dollars in it
i didn’t hear that part but i didn’t
hear the fbi just like dude and he said
he
did show up your house he said multiple
fbi agents came and they found
out that i was a kid and they let me off
and they made me give back the money
the million dollars that’s a real thing
he told me
because you know it’s fine i started
telling people that because i was like
dude my boy jackson
and that’s where his nickname cnn was
born yeah i told my parents i told my
parents that and they were like wow i
was like yeah he’s a [ __ ]
one so i remember when i first learned
the inspect element on google chrome how
you can change even yeah
yeah the one thing that is funny so do
you remember andrew reinman
yes oh yes okay smooth so andrew andrew
something happened talk about your
wedding i danced with him yeah he’s
great i don’t remember what happened
but anyways i got his xbox account and
then i changed his name to spy kids 4d
and then [ __ ]
no okay so i i don’t i don’t i don’t
know if we have people or d
i don’t remember if we had beef or
something but for some reason i had his
email
i think it was over alex toronto
probably no i never had a thing with him
um we had beef over something and i had
his
login like i always said hey no last
name we’re just dropping everyone’s name
um
login for whatever reason so i you know
re i’ve reset password and
whatever got his account so i changed
his gamertag to spike it’s 40. that’s 10
bucks right there
and then i swatched i uh squash
i squat squat sponsored for saying no i
sponsored
you you could swap console licenses you
can play this yeah yeah yeah
yeah so i did that on my account changed
his password then bought like 300
in games i do remember that i mean bob’s
credit card so yeah hey
i’m not the douchebag hey uncle sam
fraud over here
yeah fraud so his his taxes aren’t
exactly his mom
his mom actually went to the police and
they said my name was
jack spence but that’s not my real name
so they were looking it up in the
[ __ ] system because it’s
james it’s james and it’s a very common
is this a real thing she went to the
police
is this true because they didn’t know
hey jamie can you fact check this out
yeah
this is what andrew told me i don’t
[ __ ] know oh so here we go now it’s
telephone
she went to the police [ __ ] said jack
spence uh-huh
nothing came up you don’t think they
could figure that out they’re the police
there’s a nickname yeah anyways it’s not
like oh jack spencer virginia that must
be him
yeah but here’s my thing i think he
probably
said my mom went to the place just like
somebody would say my parents work at
microsoft you know what i’m saying
who’s that hi shauna it’s imposter
whose is it a random dog just showed up
at our house and i don’t want it
we want shawna you’ll have to pay for
that later they want they want money for
it you’re just doing it i think you’ve
realized it now though i think andrew
probably was lying about that the same
way you lied about the fbi
exactly but exactly long story short
jack made me accessory to
uh fraud accessory yes well you accepted
those 1600 microsoft points with
pleasure
from you from you and you knew what was
happening well
yeah i turned a blind eye button for the
playing trade things
he would tell people
i didn’t say my name was isaiah i just
said it’s on isaiah lesnar he’s a kid no
remember because i’m saying i told them
to tell you that i was like yeah it’s
helmets on isaiah’s
yeah and then they’re probably damaged
get him [ __ ]
yeah danny’s like oh you’re spending all
his piece of [ __ ] but okay no he didn’t
care
anyways so jackie used to rip off people
tell him that we’re going to get him to
10th prestige and modern warfare 2
and then he would get him in the lobby
have him pay and then he would back out
and not do it play rick rolled through
the party speaker yeah yeah yeah
yeah he did it a lot it was a lot dude
one time we did it on high rise remember
that mapping on two oh yeah and me and
jack
i was with jack at this one and he had
him all joined and obviously he was
scamming all of them they all paid
and then jack’s like dude and i was like
and i was like on helipad and jack
jack’s like dude run up to helipad
everyone go by like joker
there was a joke amazing go by because
i’m up there with an rpg so go up there
okay go up there blind okay you guys go
to helipad you’ll get 10 percent so
everyone’s huddling around me
and i just [ __ ] kids rpg at the
[ __ ] ground shooter kill everybody
and then i leave
and then jack leaves was it a bunch of
squeakers yeah yeah mostly
dude message to all friends recent
players i spent a lot of money on my
xbox because i saved my mom’s account
you know that’s like back when parents
didn’t know anything about technology
you could have bought one with the
money you stole no i love it just keep
on it
and sorry it’s fine i used to just buy
downloadable games on xbox live all the
time with their credit card and then one
time my dad was like uh what’s all these
xbox live account
things and i was like uh i don’t know
and then he took it away
and then i went and then i that’s
probably about the time that i went and
stole your money because
i thought i’m not getting games anyway
so i was hustling dude i was selling all
my [ __ ]
like i think there was weapons or
consoles and games around the house like
over
a cumulative amount of time that i was
just selling and selling and building
enough and i was like
i was so proud of it i was like dude oh
man i robbed you for sure
i remember i was working out with dennis
that’s where i was like
oh my god i was like you son of a
[ __ ] [ __ ]
i’m like you [ __ ] [ __ ] jesus what’s
up
ultimate moment of betrayal you see me
now you don’t i did it i got you okay
though you know
what’s funny is the uh magic man you
moved on from petty crimes
when i uh when we were at schema so
eventually my console got banned but it
was actually my dad’s for some reason my
dad
bought it yeah euro clyde he bought it
for himself
and then one day he [ __ ] up the
ethernet ethernet card yeah so we
couldn’t go online
he wanted to play with a co-worker 200
iq play on his point and so
seriously and so if you try to connect
the internet it said your console’s
banned till
like january 1st oh you did you messed
up the ethernet but not if you’re not if
you don’t connect to the internet though
yeah so it said your console’s banned
from january 1st to
like 3 000. it was like some crazy year
or whatever and so
three thousands of locations dude it was
like
you need twenty three consoles banned
for a millennium no no
like xbox 360 is still going to be the
car i just said your account’s banned no
no
it actually said like zero one zero one
like two nine nine nine just basically
it was called permaban it was just a
permanent bank okay
so anyways my dad says hey set up the
console you [ __ ] up the prongs
so the ethernet cord had four things so
he gave me this knife when there was
like
just 200 iq though yeah so we could
never connect to the internet so he had
never knew
and then my dad was still in there yeah
so does he know to this day
i think i told him because i ended up
telling him because
my dad like he works in cable so he just
looked in there and was like so we
redid the prongs or whatever got it
connected my grandparents ended up
giving me an xbox for my chris for a
christmas present i had to
end up giving him he swapped him i had
to give it to him so then you want to
get caught
no yeah i had to give it to him that’s
what i’m saying a small price to pay for
it did you ever
did you i was caught i had to give it to
him that’s what i’m saying
so you ever do something as a kid that
was bad and your conscience
told you that it was bad so you told
your parents like just straight up told
them tracing all the time
other than yeah i don’t think so you did
you ever definitely think
about [ __ ] i don’t think i ever it if i
did that it was like a small thing
really small but there’s plenty of
things that i felt bad for
for a long time i i always told if i did
something wrong i
always ended up telling them like like
when i got a baby gun and killed a bird
i felt bad because then like i wanted it
and i
beat it with the butt of the rifle oh my
gosh
and then like i was like
you mutilated i was a little kid i’m
saying i wanted to kill something like
everybody’s
killer every kid does that’s why i think
you’d be jack’s heard this story
and i wanted to kill something and then
i shot the bird
father feathers but it was on the ground
it was trying to run it was little legs
it was running
it was running and i had the pump one so
you have to get the bb out
yeah yeah but i have time so i i
finished him i finished him was that the
first time you ever killed anything
that was a terrible way to kill
something what was the first thing you
ever well it would have been worse to
leave him and then
oh first thing i ever killed was
probably squirrel really
that’s like a big thing that we always
killed with the wrist rocket i killed
120 in one summer
okay i’m serious why did you keep all
their skulls
we used to have we on our range right i
pluck their teeth and put them on them i
love it i love when you think i’m a line
but i’m telling the truth 120
so hold on hold on there is how do you
even find 120 squirrels june july
august that’s three six nine that’s 90
days you’re telling me you killed one
point
three squirrels a day okay jack listen
to me a squirrel a day i have a 200 acre
ranch and there’s
a ground girls a squirrel a day more
than a squirrel a day i didn’t go every
day i was like
killer i would kill like 20 squirrels a
day because if you don’t kill them
and they go out of control and then they
would go and they would like rip up like
the garden and all this [ __ ]
you you did it for the garden okay
jack listen i love it ask we did it for
the everyday working man
we’re getting the tomatoes i did it for
the blue color workers listen my family
goes out and actively kills squirrels my
grandma’s [ __ ] the jeffrey dahmer of
squirrels she goes and hunts christmas
she’s not put their heads in a microwave
she hunts squirrels every day i have a
text from her
from three days ago that said uh under
nazi scams
what’d she say let’s see let’s see she
said
100 watch this watch this john is still
in town
he will be until tomorrow he’s at the
ranch hunting squirrels he killed 25
we got him last night 25 last night
that’s what she texted me you said you
almost killed almost 100 more than that
you guys have in one day you guys have
an mg42
what are you killing me so so i have
evidence here you have a [ __ ] tank
out there blowing up trees i have
evidence that says that that counts
that he killed 25 squirrels in one day
so you don’t believe that i killed 120
squirrels in three months he’s a grown
man you’re a young kid
i also don’t i also don’t here’s the
thing it’s not that you didn’t kill a
bunch
it’s the fact of that you somehow
[ __ ] were chiseling every kill you
had like a
round number like a world war ii like a
world war ii plane every kill you got
you put a nazi symbol on it
like i don’t know about that you don’t
see where it’s funny because you know
you’re saying ptsd but
we had a we had like squirrel worlds we
had like a little piece of paper
in the in the ranger and i was talking
about the top of the acorn and every
time you killed one you’d you would do
you would take another paper 120 notches
how big do you think the notches are i
don’t know
do you think you could put 120 notches
on a [ __ ] post-it no you think you
can kill 120 squirrels
yeah i did thank you there probably
wasn’t even a hundred twenty-four
killings
jesus christ what were you killing them
with what was a 20-gauge
shotgun and you picked up
you count every carcass when i would
we would mark it down i love it i love
where you’re going he’s like hanging up
their bodies for the other squirrels to
see
show the scrolls what you’re doing jesus
christ charles manson i shouldn’t share
things about my childhood that’s obvious
okay it’s not that i don’t believe you
killed a bunch it’s just
i killed 72 100 who the [ __ ] dude we had
a competition
and then let’s one live tell the other
scrolls what you just saw yeah like
jesus it was between
my grandpa my grandma and i and we were
having a competition
no i didn’t win they killed them so they
killed more squirrels yes dude i feel a
lot better about mine
you just do not understand how many
freaking squirrels i do that’s why we’re
like what the [ __ ]
there’s a lot out here that i mean it’s
ridiculous 200 acres you tell me how
many squirrels can live on 200 acres
you didn’t go past it i said i i drove
the ranger
i’m sure i’m sure you’re killed you’re a
kid you’re going to be driving i’m sure
you killed a bunch i’m just saying 120
beers i don’t know if i want to okay i
killed 120 but let’s just pretend like
it never happened who takes 120 shells
to go shoot squirrels
that’s the thing we do and we kill
squirrels that’s just the thing
i don’t know i know that’s a fact i know
that’s a fact but it was just
you know all right well let’s change the
subject here and tell you something
about
you guys were joking about skulls and
stuff i knew a guy
who was in vietnam and i didn’t even
know it was a thing
they used to his name was well i’m not
going to drop his name but they used to
um
there was like people who was his name
what was his nickname i i used to work
for him
but there was like they used to go in
vietnam and there was people that like
lost their minds like went crazy
yeah yeah and they would go and they
would actually like keep teeth
of people that they killed do you ever
hear about that yes actually they did
that in japan too because they they put
gold in their teeth
so they would pull their teeth after
they kill them i know a guy who did that
he disappeared he went on deployment and
he disappeared
until the next one came back or whatever
like it was he was there for a while and
just missing him and like five other
guys and they just freaking hunted
people dude
that’s [ __ ] up and i know the guy and
he’s pretty normal
it’s weird as far as you know if you
hunted people like that’s what i’m
saying bro and i worked for him and
you just tell me a story and i’m like
what what did you work for him for
i used to build like custom fly rods for
him i was a dental assistant
he’s really in the teeth he’s doing
wisdom teeth
he’s the best he’s the best there is no
but yeah and it’s crazy because i’m
saying especially
in um in like world war ii they did that
in japan too like all the japan they had
like real gold in their teeth they used
can you imagine killing so you guys
think it’s crazy i killed 120 squirrels
imagine going and hunting
people and taking their teeth out yeah
that’s also crazy but that’s insane
girls and people are not the same you’re
not on a battleground or in a war it was
just out of
your choice necessity the squirrels will
take over
i’m serious they really will take over
squirrels are taking over control most
of the major cities bro
well now they are you go down the side
all over the place they’ve ruined [ __ ]
there’s [ __ ] holes all over the
freaking people
i agree with you i just don’t think you
decimated that many my parents bought me
a blow dart once i shot a squirrel that
went through its neck
into the ground just did like [ __ ]
three sisters and i just watched it
so when i so i feel jesus christ
he was sitting there going oh my god i
don’t know where the food is
up dude your training is now complete
every single jedi including your friend
will be quite operational when your
friends arrive
oh gosh fire it will at least i was
killing i was killing squirrels with 20
gauge so as soon as
we heard the trigger they were dead
jack’s shooting with [ __ ] blow darts
in their neck and they’re surviving
one not 150. 120
a nice round number i’m just saying he
said one he didn’t say he killed 30.
come one all i’m saying is i never
killed him like that
that’s very inhumane but i’m shooting
them with a thousand pellets
well they blow up basically well they’re
just dead yeah they’re just [ __ ] i
remember
a guy who named nameless rousseau the
expo pawns
he was like dude
please for the love
i’ll say his first name [ __ ] doc dr
doofenshmirtz about the real
he was telling it really chill like this
he’s like yeah this one guy like he was
[Laughter]
can’t imagine who this guy is jake not
jacob moore
and he’d catch little fish oh i know
jake brown obviously
i can’t tell the story now he did this
i’ve never seen him he didn’t do that i
promise you that but jake brown loved
expo pawns that’s why it was oh yeah
anyways over there he would ask me to
pick up some firecrackers
and then he put him in and be like watch
this and they [ __ ] blow up like
jeez it’s like alabama [ __ ] yeah he
probably killed like 120 bass
in a summer okay getting 120 bass in the
summer is still not that impressive
120 squirrels is okay things are
slippery
god jesus i wish i had more evidence for
you but i’m just saying i’m
not saying you didn’t kill a bunch i’m
not even then
dude i’m saying you killed a lot but a
round number of 120
okay 118 190 oh my god so he doesn’t
know
you can just say a bunch and we would be
like oh yeah sweet sweet man
we would have thought i regret it that’s
for sure but i’m getting fbi
jack story vibes from this yeah i love
how you guys always think that i’m lying
i’m not saying you didn’t kill a bunch
but 120
what the [ __ ] admit when you lie like i
lied about this you may very well
believe it but come
on what the [ __ ] i just showed you
that there’s evidence you’re 12 years
old you’re not [ __ ] rambo someone
said they were hunting squirrels i used
to come out here and i would stay out
here
for like a week at a time and i would
just hunt squirrels there was nothing
else to do i just go down there and
shoot squirrels with my freaking
grandparents bro that’s what we did
kill a bunch i’m sure yeah or maybe
accumulatively maybe you guys
my dad also said he ripped the horn the
antlers off of deer and i believed him
i promise you that i will get my
grandmother to tell you how many
squirrels i killed
hey maybe a human maybe you all did it
was
time it was pretty normal a hundred to a
hundred and july
august i’m saying that in the summer but
you’re gonna get hot you’re gonna get
parts you’re gonna go in you’re talking
about more
it’s just it’s not i’m not calling you a
liar you guys just call me killer
i’m not calling you i do and that’s the
difference okay
listen fair enough if you were ever in a
situation like a zombie
survival zombie squirrels well we’ll
call you have you ever really hurt
somebody
like an accident or something like that
like a sibling or something like
broken hearts like where you’re where
you’re like oh [ __ ] i didn’t mean to do
that
yeah like you’re hurt somebody i did
look at jordan all the time like i’m
saying like actually you ever hurt
somebody
like hit him in the face or something
damage lasting damage
sure no no no like physically like
yeah jordan me and jordan we used to
like fight all the time because we he
would be over at my house for
ever right like we were just we were
like you guys right you just be over
there for freaking two weeks at a time
yeah yeah yeah and we would get really
mad at each other and our parents would
be like you’re not allowed to hang out
until you
can figure it out and then we’ll be like
no no no no no we’re friends but we used
to fight all the time like actually
punch each other push each other around
and [ __ ] i’ve been in a fight okay
yeah but i mean when you’re when you’re
10 years old it’s not a fight
yeah yeah i don’t know i was that young
sorry yeah in high school it wasn’t it
wasn’t
no not in high school i was thinking of
a specific story when i kicked sam
anders down the stairs and broke his arm
that grace oh i’ve never done anything
like that no well he started it but i
didn’t mean to break his arm obviously
but jack knows the story i think i’ve
told you you mean
you meant to kick him no you meant to
hurt him i meant to hurt this okay
right yeah i did mean to kick him but i
didn’t mean but it’s not my fault he was
not athletic to stay in his two feet but
i’m saying here’s the thing
it was it was the christmas play we were
setting up and he threw
i don’t remember what he threw but it
was something like [ __ ] hard and it
hit me in the face with like point blank
range oh and then
retaliation in the face and you know the
s at grace the stage is like three or
four steps
off the side and he was walking towards
i walked behind him and spartan kicked
him down the stairs
broke his [ __ ] arm and real oh gee
didn’t he said he tripped he didn’t he
said he tripped
i reese dude no i remember this day
miss bowman comes in the door john was
hot miss spanish teacher grace
blonde yeah oh yeah she was pregnant she
was pretty she was funny
and i remember my turn and i’m saying
she i remember because she walked in
and sam’s like oh my god his arms broke
i’m like oh i’m gonna get expelled i’m
done for
and then he and she’s like what happened
he’s like i tripped i’m like either he’s
just scared of me or he’s just a real
one
shout out sam anders bro thanks man how
many times have you broken a uh
anything i’ve never broken a bomb i’ve
broken a finger that’s
it holy [ __ ] that’s crazy surprisingly
i got slammed like i have all the stupid
[ __ ] i’ve done in a
you know like when you’re walking
through the boat windshield that big
door yeah yeah you broke your finger oh
those those doors
because like we were like hitting these
waves yeah oh and this guy named manny
shout out manny hope you’re out of
prison
uh i was holding real yeah oh wow
i was holding on to the thing and then
he was like what the [ __ ] then he
just like pushes the door and i’m
holding on to it it slapped
this finger the whole nail came off and
this fingernail
broke i clipped his fingernail about
twice a year
it grows crazy slow like it’s very like
different because the whole thing was
gone
yeah yeah it grows a little different
yeah than the other ones dude i’ve lost
a fingernail one time
when i was really young so probably not
as bad as yours i was like
that [ __ ] sucks that was probably it’s
also a very
you can’t grab stuff because like your
fingernail doesn’t like stop it from
yeah
exactly and dude it was like a year and
a half for to go all the way back and
then like i’ll clip on my i’ll clip this
twice a year
it grows so [ __ ] slightly i broke my
collarbone twice
in the same spot was it football
i think broke one i think broke
something in football was it collarbone
maybe i’m thinking of somebody else
but i thought you broke a collar bone
you broke my knee in my nasal cavity by
picking me upside down and throwing me
in the ground well you shouldn’t have
been such a [ __ ] dude it was fight club
dude that was the thing first rule about
fight club
remember no that was fight club yeah but
i challenged you because i was you
challenged me and i said [ __ ] you want
to challenge me on the top of the totem
pole
i’m not gonna say who it was because
they’re married i don’t know your time
yeah the girl me and her were thing and
then you ended up hooking up with her
and i was ruthless i’m ruthless
squirrels and [ __ ] to be true to be
true to be fair i did not
know that it was going down until
afterwards
i was just running around yeah exactly
and then he got mad at me and i’m like
bro i didn’t know and then he’s like i
challenge you to fight club and i was
like [ __ ]
i challenge you to do i bet you better
get slapped
yeah one time here’s another true story
about jack
like the ones that he tries to replicate
about me that are not true
okay so we used to write songs we were
really into musicals
for refurbishments yeah and one time we
were in choir
right one time fun stuff jack goes
hey i wrote a song and i sold it to this
band
and i said what because i believed
everything he said yeah i lied
and and i’m like what and he goes yeah
look at it and so he shows me this song
by like this not big band but like it
was obviously a popular song
and i’m like what and you’re like he’s
like yeah i wrote that song and i just
really stood behind those stories
on this on this website and blah blah
and i’m like shut up so i told everybody
that i knew i said dude jackson
elton john bro yeah so jack wrote the
song and sold it to a band i told my
parents i tell my parents everything i
said
they know everything about you and they
might still think it’s true
i don’t know i lied about that i do
remember one time jacob said my singing
sucked and he was gonna charge me 20
a week for singing lessons he needed it
yeah
that’s not real that is that that is
true thank you thank you i think i think
i don’t know if it was 20
but i did say i would give him singing
lessons i don’t remember what i told him
i would charge him but i didn’t tell him
were there any specific techniques that
you learned that you could share with us
can i tell you something that’s a young
entrepreneur right there
that’s opportunistic opportunity
and i’m capitalizing so what i mean
crucify me right
well don’t
it was impressive you know yeah that’s
like those kids that used to sell like
cheetos you know you’ve heard those
stories i used to sell candy in my
locker when i was like in fourth grade i
wish i would have done that dude when
vapes first came around i saw a lot of
those
that was so in high school i’m not
acting like we’re talking about
like way young in high school yeah it
was like that’s illegal
no remember the little pens no my
selling cheetos is not illegal god fraud
like what the
heck my [ __ ] rap sheets the size of
my arm actually shout out to my sister i
know we don’t talk
anymore but my sister
my sister actually because you had to
have an adult sign for them so she got
him she was working at
lagos charter school or whatever logos
she would get him i’d ship him to there
and she’d do an adult signature for him
and she’d
smuggle the pins and i’d sell there’s
other stories i have about you that are
illegal but i’m just saying
i was gonna ask a question everyone no
this might be a lie too
i’m not sure now that i think about it
remember when you
microsoft gate i feel like this was true
this is true
your sister’s boyfriend worked at jack
in the box and
that’s a real story i already told you
how did you do that you used to
take one dollar bills and turn them into
20s right yeah so me and z did that one
time
but we physically couldn’t reprint a
different yeah
so it was more like scathing than just
getting the paper down yeah so that’s
the thing
i did the paper a friend of mine who
named nameless so what we would do
for those kids out there wanting because
it’s all about the paper
so what you would do is you would take a
one you would take a one dollar bill
there was this industrial oven cleaner
from lowe’s you could buy i do remember
that you would spray it on the bill
microwave for a few seconds you would
microwave it for like we did in the
trailer at
yeah yeah at the house yeah we didn’t
like like a breaking bad kind of and
then you take a paper towel and wipe the
paper off
no i never wiped the ink off which by
the way which by the way
huge no no in terms of the government of
course of course this was a long
time ago we didn’t actually make we
didn’t actually make a
uh it wasn’t a business yeah but we were
like
15. no it’s crazy so i think it’s been
seven years so we’re clear
you’re clear yeah i would do the paper
and my buddy
would print he got some template of a
twenty dollar bill he’d print
them on there i’m the first time i did
it with a printer yeah like a paper
printer
i’m saying okay that’s the thing i’m
saying is like that’s the thing
we couldn’t do was print it back how did
this person know how to do that that’s
what i’m saying because remember we i’m
saying the only thing we did
was get all the pain and everything off
of there too it’s just paper form
yes you need a special i actually got
caught once i did
but so the first thing was my mom and me
would always we would go to delta people
got life in prison for this [ __ ]
we go taco
and so i said mom this one i’m not
kidding what’s where’s i’m like 40 it
was all him
i didn’t do it mom i’m paying for it i
give him a 20. the guy takes the pen
puts it on it but it’s real paper so it
passes it gives me like
15 bucks back in real money and i’m like
i’m at a high i’m going to tell you
oh my god 15 bucks yeah we just admitted
using it now you’re [ __ ] so
i don’t give a [ __ ] uh tell them that so
then so then reported on your taxes
would you
yeah so i told my sister she was picking
me up from someone i was like hey stop
by wendy’s i’m gonna get a chicken
sandwich
and i told her i said hey this is a fake
20. i shouldn’t have done that i’m a tr
no my sister was cool you should take it
to a snack bar a little league field
they went so
true remember i talked about that i said
we shouldn’t take it to a place where
you take like a snack bar
not as kids or snacks and then get the
change like get like one so for that
business owner
well no i got caught so i went to
wendy’s i gave it to the guy but you
could just say i didn’t know
yeah so the the girl was like what
because it wasn’t done very well
oh my god and so she went to the manager
the manager pulled me aside and said
where’d you get this
i was like i bought a skateboard from
walmart and i got it back whoa you were
you were a liar in training bro you were
like
yeah so then she asked he asked me my
parents surprised you and said you were
cia agents
so you asked me yesterday like listen
the fbi was just at my house last week
i’m clear
he asked me my parents name my phone
number i just gave him fake names fake
number i said my name was nick
he’s like okay i’m gonna contact them
and he let me go and i never get caught
you could have just said you didn’t know
him well no i already said i didn’t know
anything no reason for the theatrics
no he i already said i got the money
back i bought up i
said i don’t know my dad gave me a
twenty dollar bill dude yeah yeah
what’s your deal bro why are you on my
jock that’s what i was saying holy [ __ ]
man
that’s the thing with counterfeit bills
if you had it and you
paid for something you said like dude
like a hundred you’d be like i didn’t
know
i just got a hundred i sold something on
facebook marketing lima is like the um
capital for counterfeit bills lima like
where’s that
south america yeah oh okay yeah and
apparently
there’s like a big one where your
tourists and go down there because they
have the best ones too and it’s really
hard to decipher
if somebody came to you this is
hypothetical somebody came to you and
said hey you’re asking me are you asking
us both if
i like how he said us anyways um if
somebody came to you
and said look i have this business that
i steal credit card information
i’ll pay you 50 000 a month
and there’s no way you get caught i’ve
done it for 15 years
but am i going to get caught up 50 grand
a month legitimately not cash
legit money it might but the thing is am
i going to get
i don’t know this guy’s telling you he’s
never got caught he’s done for 15 years
and he’s
a younger schedule a young man i mean do
you think
well i’m telling him to um i would ask a
lot more questions
i would ask a ton of questions but then
if you’re young you’re like if i went
through it i’m saying hey can you
transfer
from 18 can you deposit
at 18 yeah i wouldn’t do it now i was so
dumb at 18. yes i’m saying at 18 would
you
would you yeah put in the swiss bank hey
deposit swiss bank i probably did too
far in panama they don’t regulate
when i was 18 well yeah probably
honestly honestly
honestly at that age maybe but i’m
saying the same time it’s like
i probably still would be like [ __ ] no
at 18 i would have done it
it’d be sketchy depends on if that guy’s
like a good looking guy in a suit
and he’s if i’m homeless i have nothing
to lose but i’m saying you know what i
mean if i’m holds that nothing else if
it’s a sketchy guy
i’m like no i’m just sitting at 18. hey
show me something
i would have done whatever can i get
your profit and loss please that’s what
i would say
i want to say all your team at 18 you
would have said that yeah i would say i
want to let me see your tax returns that
you find yeah i see you’re
you’re you would have asked for profit
and loss at 18. yeah
i guess you’re ahead of the curve no i
would not no you would not have no i’m
joking
please do you guys have store credit
that’s what you want yeah could you
actually give that to me in xbox live
could you just transfer that to
[Laughter]
that was only accolade you would have at
that age yeah sure
i mean you had it that was a task but
that is a tank i could have used yeah
have you ever killed anything bigger
than a bird
yourself i tried to kill all my chickens
once
i nearly succeeded i’m trying to think
hold on i definitely killed rabbit [ __ ]
i’ve killed a rabbit here i’ve killed a
rock kill the rabbit at yellowstone and
my dad thought i was gonna get arrested
yellowstone yeah that’s illegal i know
why did you have a gun
okay so i’ve killed animals like with a
gun you’ve killed them by beating them
and hitting them with rocks
i’m sorry it’s called stoning that’s
crazy that’s more skill
but no i’m saying but more the thing is
prepared for survival systems but no i
did
my dad because it’s illegal you can’t do
that and you know it’s like i
it was i threw a rocket and it like
broke it’s like it’s like sitting around
and i had to like
finish it okay here’s a scenario
airplane crashes
you’re just on a random routine flight
from here to
crashing is not routine but from here to
well the flight is
speaking we’re gonna be going down here
why did we not uh i’m sorry one second
why the [ __ ] like planes cost a billion
dollars or whatever the [ __ ]
not a billion that wouldn’t work
that wouldn’t make economic sense this
plane can actually go into our space
what’s the loan on that thing like
how many years why are there actually
not parachutes because
if it went down you could actually
survive like they would first of all be
anarchy everyone would be trying to grab
one and there’s no
there’s barely any room for luggage
the logic makes sense but it would never
work oh yeah like an eject at the top
i feel like it’s just not cost effective
for their airlines like they’d rather
just have somebody go to
exactly that’s what i’m saying i’m
saying where would they put it
it chaos like you have to change this
you have to teach everyone how
it just does scare you yeah a little bit
one time
i think okay i don’t i’ve flown a lot
but i’m saying i it does creep me out a
little bit
obviously because it’s like i i don’t
feel like flying’s natural leave that
[ __ ] to the
giant metal bird in this guy propelled
but
on the same token or amazing speed or if
the wright brothers can do it you know
we got to figure it out by now
one time i was on i love i i tell you
the stories when jack’s gone but
i was on a plane from columbia
to l.a okay and
i had a connecting flight in el salvador
so we’re flying
over south america colombia yeah oh
really yeah i was in
uh cartagena it’s actually sick but
super dangerous
don’t go there i got offered hookers and
cocaine
everything’s happening in mexico too
yeah every time i see white people like
oh
yeah this dude who was running the hotel
like showed me pictures they’re all
owned by cartels and [ __ ] and nobody
speaks english
like mexico people speak english and
colombia nobody speaks english
i was in a i was in a taxi with like
five other people and none of them spoke
english
or spanish and i said
they’re just oh no [ __ ] none of them
spoke english bro i was in columbia they
don’t
speak anything um but they were like
people that i was with
and i asked the taxi driver in spanish i
was like is it dangerous for people like
me
because i’m white right and he’s like oh
yeah
and i said really and he said yeah i
would
not be out at night in spanish he’s
saying this [ __ ] and
i was with some people and they’re like
what are you saying i was like oh we’re
just talking i’m like oh [ __ ] dude
that was like the second day i was there
was there for like like a week and a
half or something yeah
oh [ __ ] anyway so i’m flying back from
columbia
into el salvador massive
storm like huge thunderstorm
makes me uneasy dude i had a i had a
window seat and i could see it was like
a wall of clouds
right [ __ ] creepy dude and i’m like
oh [ __ ] and i’m and i’m on a plane with
people that are flying to el salvador
from colombia nobody speaks english like
nobody right so i’m like oh [ __ ] so we
start flying
[ __ ] gets crazy i’m thinking oh [ __ ]
this sucks
we finally make it like crazy turbulence
right like you’re dropping and stuff
yeah your stomach’s dropping yeah yeah
we land in el salvador
i go to my gate again i’m alone i have
nobody with me
we go to the gate i notice there’s a
flight attendant from the previous
flight
that’s getting on this one and i and she
speaks english right
i said are we gonna really fly in this
you know like
lightning striking everywhere they’ll
turn around
or just delay the flight yeah like we
were we were boarding this next flight
you can’t delay it if you’re like 30
minutes after we were
you know landed so i’m like are we she’s
like oh it’d be fine i was like i don’t
know dude
that last flight was pretty scary she’s
like it’ll be fine so we get up
we get up we have our quotas you [ __ ]
narc yeah she’s like i’m just
i’m just the flight attendant don’t they
say turbulence is never taken down a
plane is that true
that’s well the turbulence itself
doesn’t but turbulence doesn’t i feel
it’s still scary
on a plane and you look over like that
doesn’t look very secure
oh and trust me i just wait for this
story i’m like yo
hey you someone should go look at that
man tighten some nuts or something out
there like
wait for this story so we go up we start
getting a cruising altitude
and as the plane’s ascending it drops
like a lot like like where you’re like
stomach jobs yeah yeah i’m like oh [ __ ]
we go up it’s shaking does it again
before we’re even flattened out right
and then he turns off all the lights and
there’s lightning
hitting around us right jesus he turns
off all the lights there’s an old lady i
would say probably
60 something years old on my left like
literally a
straight up el salvador not old but
mature
old like like she had like wrinkles and
[ __ ] and there was another one about the
same on my other side
and he comes over the middle seat yeah
he comes over the speaker
the the pilot and he says like something
in spanish i didn’t really understand it
and i heard people like gasp right
and the lights are out and the tv screen
that’s like on the back of the seat
comes on
right and so i’m like [ __ ] so i put it
on the um
like where you can see your flight path
and [ __ ] you know yeah so
we’re [ __ ] we’re freaking flying and
i think it was
and we’re dropping we’re shaking all
this crazy [ __ ]
all the southwest it was a middle middle
seat they’re all
the freaking plane dude he takes it and
instead of keep going up
he drops it down and it’s like you know
you hear the engine’s rev
we’re going and it’s like and
everybody’s like ah and the freaking
dude the masks drop out pilots just in
there eating corn nuts with his feet up
or some [ __ ]
the mess drop out there’s lightning
everywhere
all the electronics go off we turn and
we go like because you know you’re over
panama or whatever
or like el salvador whatever the [ __ ] it
is the straight down there and he turns
and goes out towards the ocean
like way off the flight path and it’s
like we’re dropping we’re shaking
thinking like
he’s going down over here man i’m
thinking what the [ __ ] and so then he
goes
the electronics come back on i can see
the flight path we’re supposed to be
more way over here
he goes over here to the other ocean
right
this is our ocean well he’s just
following the bodies of water there’s
two
oh because it’s right there goes over
here there’s like therapy
and and starts shaking again we’re
dropping and all this stuff and
he freaking takes it down goes back on
the flight path gets down
literally i think we’re landing like
we’re close to the ground
we haven’t even got to cruising altitude
yet all this shit’s happening he gets
really close to the ground
we fly just over freaking mountaintops
for like
30 minutes and then he comes over the
speaker says something lights come back
on
and everybody’s just chill we go back up
we’re cruising we go
to la i’m like what the [ __ ] and they’re
all just like oh i couldn’t
what are you gonna do that’s a good
pilot you’re still here i couldn’t
even talk to anybody because nobody’s
scary
what’s the [ __ ] point of the auction
master anyways here’s a winco bag with
the dixie cup to breathe
oh yeah what’s it gonna do for you i
wait i couldn’t i it was give him
personality the worst experience of my
life
because it wasn’t like you were next to
me and it’s like oh i think we’re going
to be okay dude
it was like if i die nobody knows where
i’m at nobody knows i’m on this flight i
didn’t share my flight
thank you very much thank you for flying
didn’t tell anyone you were flying from
columbia to
they knew but they didn’t know like the
flight number oh like they’re going to
hear it on the news this flight crash
and it’s like
people people don’t like when you’re on
a flight and you get you know those
captains that like are
jolly and they’re cracking dad jokes and
stuff at least that guy’s still [ __ ]
trying
do you want do you want a pile to come
on hey guys
this might be a good flight i don’t know
uh you know auction masks will dispense
i think
uh i hate when they say hopefully we
won’t have a crash when they say there
might be some slight turbulence and then
it’s just
awful like crazy [ __ ] it’s like what and
he’s like oh looks like we’re all clear
from here it’s like dude yeah
the uh the first time
so i went sorry
expo this guy
i went skydiving twice okay the first
time
my dad i said i would never do it my dad
said for my 18th birthday take me
skydiving so we go
we find this place in eugene and dude
me just being 18 doesn’t know what the
[ __ ] i’m doing the warehouse
you and your dad went yeah there’s
panels falling off
and there’s like hey we’re wait we’re
right of the warehouse
no what no a panel on the plane and the
other fbi agents on the plane
no
you’re like dude so i went to eugene to
go skydiving and the [ __ ] same fbi
agent
was there skydiving i couldn’t believe
that his name was michael scarn dude
and that’s how you do the scone uh the
uh
so we uh timeless
we’re just like they’re like hey we’re
trying to find a pilot in a plane and
we’re like what why is this scheduled
for like
but me just not thinking about it you’re
like cool carl’s gonna get a plane on a
break he flies today
yeah and so some drunk guys yeah they
find a pilot in a plane my dad pays him
whatever
some like puddle jumper a little one
probably like a [ __ ] mri with one and
so this dude
so and so this dude like the manager i
guess was like
was like how old are you i’m like 18
he’s like ah good enough for me you want
some scotch
my dad’s right now oh yeah my dad’s
right there he’s like obviously a very
professional establishment yeah
i need to go there that’s the whole
point i went a second time and so if it
goes wrong you’re drunk you won’t care
so my dad’s like no but i’ll take some
makes the pain easier so my dad took a
shot of scotch or whatever and this
guy’s like so we
is this guy is this guy flying the plane
the drunk guy no okay
luckily so anyways they find a pilot and
well you’re jumping out either way might
as well be so you’re telling me the guy
who runs the business of
skydiving doesn’t have a plan a pilot
and he’s not a pilot
they had to apply for an llc on google
business he’s like find somebody do you
fill out the form
okay we’re good some random guys like
i’ll hook you up i’ll broker you a deal
well
the funny thing is like i’m watching
this and not thinking anything of it
but better yeah yeah so there’s like
some 16 year old kid packing her parents
she’s like oh he’s been here for a
couple months
yeah yeah and so then this puddle jumper
plane comes in there’s no seats
so they’re like uh can we weigh you both
to see how the plane’s gonna fly is that
when my dad they weigh me yeah
so my so at least they’re doing their
due diligence so like it’s like
once a little bit of a bigger plane if
you’re weighing people dude there’s one
seat for the pilot
and then jesus christ a little bit of
cargo so
this thing had its fight inspired was he
flying cocaine was there boxes
around him it had to be and that’s why
they took the seats out for more room
dude i’m just having time my life i’m
not thinking twice about it yeah and so
i’m sitting
in the cargo section of it like that my
dad couldn’t fit
because there’s only room for one it’s
this small so his legs are out the
window
you made him stand there like that one
person on the public bus that doesn’t
have a handle you’re just standing there
shaking all over the place falling on
people
that’s [ __ ] up dude it was your
birthday though yeah
we go we we survive everything’s fine so
that yeah i’d gather that yeah
so so then aaron says she wants to go
so we go to a place up here and it’s
like so we go to the same place
and those guys were amazing yeah so it’s
like and they found a plane
it’s a real plane where like you can fit
30 people and then they you know the
green light goes and you go
go go like in the military movies
yeah and so it was like dude black
rounds are going off were you able to
jump alone or do you strap to some guys
you have to have a license
plate a man both times yes how does it
feel
to be cuddled by him i would turn around
and face him
after you go through it
[Laughter]
like you’re like the look when you’re
going on like a roller coaster and you
know the camera’s coming
yeah yeah yeah yeah imagine he’s like
trying to he can’t because you’re this
close like he’s really close
he’s like he’s grabbing your face she’s
like are you [ __ ] ready for this
yeah well no you’re you’re strapped like
this so you’re right yeah like a baby
that was
carried yeah so uh
well so the second time obvious just
crazy professional and so i’m like okay
this is how it’s supposed to go
blah blah blah so aaron my girlfriend
for those who don’t know is that in
there yeah yo
shout out she uh she’s in the plane so
we’re sitting there
and so the guys are like hey you guys
want to have a little fun i was like so
i’m thinking
but enjoy he’s like i’ve done this too
many times he’s spiced up i’m gonna
throw something out without a parachute
who wants to be the decoy so i’m like
i’m like okay this is obviously a
professional establishment
it’s very well done so there’s no scotch
check
so we’re you know we’re we’re climbing
altitude
you know doing our thing ascending so
the so i have a
i have a guy connected to me aaron is a
guy connected to her
how do you feel about that he’s like oh
sorry
he’s just boned up right in her back
yeah so then the guy connected to me
pulls out a little baggie with this
little [ __ ] square strip and goes you
ready
and i was like what and he’s like lsd
yeah oh i thought you
should i thought you were saying like
pull the little thing at cocaine i’m
like what the [ __ ] so he’s strapped to
your back and he pulls out a strip
and your mouth is open [ __ ] acid then
you just stick it in you thought scotch
was bad
yeah and so then i’m like i’m more
nervous as i’m like i’m good
and so then i was like are they gonna
but that would be that would be crazy
that would be true she’s done it yeah
how long does it take to kick in is it
an immediate thing no it’s not already
climbing up
oh you should have done it before you
got a plane but they’ve already done
like 300 jumps so they know the exact
time to pop it i’m guessing yeah right
when you hit the ground yes
oh i took five instead of one hit i
can’t even pull the string
so for some reason i’m just thinking oh
he only offered it to me like he didn’t
do it or whatever
so then he turns to aaron he’s like hey
you want some she’s like no
and so then he [ __ ] so he takes his
finger and the girl the dad the dude
that’s connect the air and he goes
you’re ready he’s like [ __ ] and they
take him and i’m like they’re both
strapped to him unless he already had
some earlier yeah well it was like 20
minutes climbing altitude or whatever
and then yeah
we had a little bit of time yeah so they
were tripping yeah so that was pretty
establishment but not at all well maybe
it’s still professional
we don’t drink scotch we take acid it’s
even better better would you rather have
somebody tripping or drunk
doing what though flying a plane drunk
probably
i don’t know if you’re tripping dude we
know a guy that flies planes and
drunk we do no i’m saying drunk at least
you have autopilot not on a little plane
yeah not on that mri with wings probably
not i don’t think when you’re when
you’re sky
or what you’re called upside down dude
we’re at this point party thing
and we meet this that’s why i slapped
that kid for hitting on aaron
i slapped a kid in the phone that was
for that guy i [ __ ] slapped him her
boyfriend didn’t do it you did it no he
wasn’t he wasn’t he was he was there but
he wasn’t he
you’ve been real homie okay i was
slapped i was like in the pool i thought
i was really drunk it was really
cocky of me it was just brand new no i
appreciate he was being a dick i’m
saying i don’t want you to do the same
thing
i was like kind of down like well if
he’s a tough guy he’s gonna fight me if
he’s not he’s not so i slapped him
what did he do like how did he flirt
well he kept telling her to come over
they kept grabbing her and so i stood in
the middle on my k like i was like hey
mike don’t do that he was like
oh yeah sorry he said you’re not that
guy i said hey don’t do that like
he probably thought oh that’s it must be
his girlfriend so knowing that anyone
with any self-awareness would have
stopped
and then like he kept telling he’s like
and they like leaned over with me right
here he’s like hey
hey come here come here and then he
started moving like dude don’t [ __ ]
do that
he was really drunk so i’m like i was
trying to work on them like hey don’t
[ __ ] do that
and then i went to go i went in my shoe
to grab my puff bar i think so i walked
over
and i come back and he’s grabbing her
arm again so i walk him like don’t
[ __ ] do that
i slapped him right in the [ __ ] face
i didn’t even think about it i just did
it like i’m like [ __ ]
like don’t [ __ ] do this oh sorry or
something random
guy no one knew who the [ __ ] was this
party i’m like don’t [ __ ] do that
he’s like
i lose your girlfriend but i’m like it’s
not microwaves his girlfriend but you
need to [ __ ] stop before someone who
beats your ass and then
that guy was a douche i slapped him back
after that oh good remember in the pool
so there was this dude hitting on auggie
or yeah aubry
and so he didn’t slap him in the face
while he did he’s just like hey bro stop
it that’s not cool
dude hey what’s your problem man that’s
right that’s my friend’s girlfriend stop
no i i didn’t slap him but he was like
pulling on his shirt he was doing
everybody mystery girl he was doing it
was the same guy
he was hitting on aaron again he was
sitting on aubrey in the pool and zoo
and i was like all right is he at my
back i go get his
and aubry’s like looking really
uncomfortable just like what the [ __ ]
this is
so he’s like grabbing her arm and [ __ ]
and so i just get up
i like just dive in between them and i’m
just like hey bro we’re not about that
he’s like
that’s how you that’s how you handled it
we’re not about that you’re not that guy
i don’t have to slap him and he swim
away it’s done
he’s just a little minnow he’s like um
you ever seen the things about those
like sea lions or whatever they’re
called
and there’s like the ones that are like
every single sea horses give birth
it’s like a thousand little things like
what it looks like when i come
blessed jesus christ [ __ ] god
come on right yeah come on
listen you need to go to the doctor if
it’s not what it looks like listen but
uh what are they called sea lions
there’s like one big one that’s like the
big
hog right names and then there’s and
then there’s freaking like two of them
that just like the dogs around the
outside and they like try to get a girl
they like try to bring one and then the
dude will like chase them off they’re
always trying to like just jump in and
get one during mating seasons the animal
kingdom is crazy dude if you were
there’s like a spider that like
she’ll be [ __ ] a dude and then
another spider spider
no a spider spider orgy will be [ __ ]
a spider man
that’s [ __ ] peter parker peter parker
but no and then she
but then another spider gets jealous so
he’ll start like humping the tree
and smell his gooch dude okay and then
once she’s done she’ll go back to that
spider and [ __ ] him
okay she’s getting devil double
penetrated i think double spider
they’re not spiders what is it is it
monkeys dude
what they’re nuts
spiders go and rub their dick on
something that’s fascinating
thank you he doesn’t smell the gooch and
i thought there’s a hole in this story
there’s no there’s no spider hitch i’m
sorry
spiders yeah they’re called fossils and
they rub their dick on the tree and wait
for them
and then they try to slide in what’s
crazy is like you watch like
animals i watch all the time and all it
is is just them
[ __ ] oh it’s amazing all day long
like have you ever seen what i would
want my life i remember an episode of
eels [ __ ] and they’re just like
it’s like a it’s like ramen noodles
what’s weird is like a bird like a bird
penis like you can’t it’s a piece it’s
like in there
it’s like in there like yeah it’s like
cats you know when they come out they’re
spiky
that’s crazy they are spiders they’re
spiky yeah towels it’s like a
oh yeah like turtles are like creepy
ones
you ever seen a turtle fall it’s like in
slow-mo yeah it’s [ __ ] hilarious
i love that video i love the turtle sex
um mallory you know mallory works at the
vet
yeah yeah she’s a vet veterinarian uh
a horse doctor so dogs come in all the
time where they get too horny for too
long
and they’re blue balls and no they have
like their their red rocket gets stuck
yeah and it’s dry
it’s dry so it’s malfunctioning lunch so
they have to pour sugar
they pour sugar like salt on a snail and
it’s like a snail
and it sucks it back up i’m not kidding
and it’s every day
all the time so she’s seeing a lot of
red rockets oh she’s sending a lot of
dicks
yeah speaking of red rockets i am i
don’t know if i’m the only one who
thinks this is weird but
i always thought it was weird whether it
was family friends or like
family like you’d go over to people’s
houses and they have like their little
kids
run into sprinklers with their dicks
flopping around yeah naked kids
naked kids like i understand if it’s
like give you some advice don’t let them
do it your dad and mama it’s like
they’re like family friends are
oh yeah he’s so cute i have red dicks
friends
that like let their kids run around
naked you know it’s fine if they’re like
one or something i guess but not even
around i’m saying even around people
it’s nice
but we’ve all seen it we’ve all seen
there’s some weird it’s not the point
it’s wrong
i’m saying if it’s not around like all
your clothes family okay if they’re like
one all right whatever it’s
even then like when it’s like i’m saying
like gatherings i’m like
there’s some weird people like it
shouldn’t be weird but there’s some
weird people like there’s a lot
of uh pedophiles and so it’s like what
how do you know how do you know
somebody’s not a pedophile and they’re
not like looking at your kid in a weird
way like yeah it’s really
well really if it’s a family function
they don’t think anyone i’m talking
about
just like if random people come over
it’s more disturbing it’s just really
disturbing to think about if you think
about it
you know what pedophiles need is
patience the patients to wait till
they’re 18.
yes sir even then it’s [ __ ] up 18. you
know the illegal
grooming the legal age of consent
in hawaii is 16. yeah wow
which is kind of i met these guys we
were like out this watch
sounds like some good guys yeah yeah
they wear this waterfall she’s 16 it’s
cool
and and they said they said something
about like yeah
we tell holy [ __ ] 16. oh my god they
were essentially saying
like oh she can drive perfect what the
[ __ ]
look oh great your permit’s up by the
way 21 should be driving
16 should be drinking it’s just that’s
not
because i look back at like when i drove
[ __ ] horrible i look at girls that
are like 16 or whatever now you look at
girls
we’ll cut that out i don’t i’m saying
like you drive
by a high school and there’s girls
walking you know i’m saying on the side
of the road
and you’re like dude they look so young
they look like toddlers
yeah and that was that’s like not that
long ago yeah it’s weird we were yeah
when you’re 16 you’re attracted to 16
year olds when you’re 16 they look they
look like
the point is they yeah because like have
you ever noticed like every year or like
even the year after graduate like
i’m like these freshmen look like sixth
graders oh yeah freshman for sure i’m
like jesus
yeah it’s crazy like i look at high
schoolers now they have i feel like they
have gotten like smaller than like highs
like
i feel like they’re younger yeah more
feminine [ __ ] everybody
like men want to be tick-tock guys
what a word i have noticed that like
please don’t go there you’ll never come
back i remember
girls like in our age just looked their
age
right and now it’s like you’ll see some
instagram posts
and it’s like i agree with that yeah and
it’s like all over the map some of them
look like they’re freaking 30 yeah and
it’s like how old do you think this girl
is and i’m like oh
i guess i’ll look at the comments and
it’s like you know i guess i’ll do my
25 27 she’s like she’s 17. it’s like
what the [ __ ] i feel like yeah
like [ __ ] like a year or two after we
graduated high school
the world got to be a more dangerous
place
like immediately you know very fast
like dude we can cut this out or
whatever but
i see i see stuff where it’s like
especially when you’re in la
and you see somebody like a girly life
you’re like oh it’s a girl
you’re vandalia okay so he has these
interrupted thanks you just don’t talk
about it um
and you’re like oh that’s you know it
looks like a girl it’s a freaking dude
like you look closer you’re like whoa
holy [ __ ] i hate those imagine if you’re
in a club that’s dark
and you’re dancing that’s been like my
worst fear hey okay listen no
offense if you’re trans i’m just saying
i would not want to yeah
yeah if you’re not into it then it
can be very dangerous and imagine our
kids too
what what i hear there’s nothing wrong
if you’re that way i’m just saying i
would not i’d be like whoa
that’s what i’m saying dude you’re not
into it yeah it’s almost like it’s weird
i hate when you’re like
do what you want if you want to be trans
that’s cool but i’m saying i would not
i’d be like oh
what the [ __ ] i’d be pissed i’d be
pissed i’d be like okay i hate those
like you’re scrolling through instagram
or something it’s like do you think this
girl’s hot and it’s like
[ __ ] yeah and it’s like she was a dude
three years ago it’s like
why one time i was scrolling through
twitter
twitter’s a dangerous place twitter is a
and now i’m playing
i’m scrolling through and somebody like
there’s a picture of this girl
right she’s tagged somebody i’m like oh
i click on it
i’m like oh who is that like look like a
celebrity or something
click on that scroll to the immediate
like you know those pin tweets yeah yeah
there’s a pen tweet
of this girl that i thought was a girl
full
penis right there really on the pin
tweet i immediately closed my phone
and walked away well it’s crazy winner
is dangerous
don’t get twisted it’s not like i’m
transphobic i’m just saying
the thing about twitter is like you can
be what i hate about it is like same on
my lunch break at work i’m just
scrolling
just doing my thing you see anything and
then it’s just like
oh full on porn because someone that i
follow
yeah like this it’s like i don’t want
this on my recommendation when someone
walks by what are you looking at
then you look like a [ __ ] idiot yeah
it’s dangerous man
yeah it’s dangerous like instagram
you’re not going to run into that kind
of stuff
if you look for it i mean you got to
kind of you kind of have to know what
you’re looking for
i never had a tumbler i did for a brief
tomorrow isn’t that the one where you
can pin stuff kind of like um
kind of like freaking interesting reddit
kind of
something like that no do you remember
those pictures is that like pencils hey
girls remember in 10 years swag won’t
pay the bills it’s to do with an obey
hat
i remember seeing those memes that they
were on tumblr remember when certain
parents wouldn’t let kids at cascade
wear obey because they were like for
socialism dude obeying diamond supply
those were they probably diamonds they
were dying
all the time tell me this doesn’t this
doesn’t give you nostalgia diamond like
t-shirt logs or whatever cargo shorts
nike socks lanyard hanging out your
pockets yeah that was me
that was literally me that dude remember
what i’m saying that was the [ __ ]
huddle lanyard
that was the thing lanyard out cargo
shorts nike socks
dude and then we started wearing the
lanyards on her neck yeah my first day
at north i was the typical like i wore
oregon state
logo tee nice with cargo shorts
long nike socks air ones you know what’s
funny
first day at north my senior year we
took a picture first day and that’s
exactly what you’re wearing
oregon stage with the oregon state
language i was wearing a flannel and
jeans you were wearing the
i remember yeah i remember it i remember
it yeah and i look back and i cringe you
know
yeah i cringe too it’s disgusting i
cringe i wore [ __ ] barney shoes
it was [ __ ] horrible all the purple
high tops remember those you were so
proud of them too
lil wayne and just never said i never
said anything either yeah justin bieber
wore him on his little
uh movie what’s it called uh never
saying ever no you’re the one who called
them barney shoes that’s
the right yeah you did say something i
never wore them i think i had purple
high tops too i have purple high tops or
nikes but the supras were
ultra bulky and like big yeah i was
never like a
dc remember the world industry shoes
with a little phone
remember the [ __ ] cookie monster have
you ever wear skater shoes like those
big ass
element shoes or whatever no i didn’t
know i can proudly say i only wore like
vans mostly
vans i wore comments pretty much yeah i
remember my mom
chucks baby i wanted vans
oh yeah but my white ones i would get
[ __ ] up so i have to buy new ones
but the black and white ones always look
good for a long time
my mom would uh i wanted vans but she
bought me tony hawk shoes
so i cut out the tony hawk lemon or
lemon lemon
okay here we go the tony hawk logo
and then yeah uh thank you everyone for
listening
um we’ve just run out of time i guess
but i think you’re listening um if you
haven’t ordered the merch it’s still on
the site
um as always guys stay tuned for the
subscriptions we got coming with the hot
ones episode
and jack where can they find you they
can find me at jack underscore spence
jacob where can they find you
don’t even plug me jacob more on
instagram and then you can find me in
isaiah underscore lesnar on both of our
instagrams
at around the lounge table instagram
page thank you guys for listening and
jacqueline’s going to say something i’ll
find jacob at onlyfans.com
jacob take up the tank up the tank thank
you guys for listening we’ll see you
next week and see ya
