J & Z talk about prison rules, wackin it, and whatever IED’s are. Follow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/aroundthelunchtable/?hl=en
welcome back slap dicks this around
lunch table episode
35 35 yeah i
got too many to count yeah it’s uh it’s
35
first and foremost before i forget we
all should thank our sponsors aperture
oceans bringing ideas and ads to life
and speaking of sponsorships
we have an interesting uh announcement
so as you all are aware
uh jordan obaya by estate
a videographer president and ceo of
aputure ocean productions
i’m sorry co-owner uh he uh he has
hooked us up with a sponsor so me and z
z and i sorry the proper uh the proper
grammar there thank you mrs ray and miss
beeler
um they we are doing our first
special we’re gonna do a hot ones
challenge so we are doing the uh
and we’re both horrible with spicy
things i like i like mildly spicy things
but anything over that’s a little spicy
i’m sorry but it’s always like
armageddon [ __ ] sauce or [ __ ]
nuclear blast or iwo jima no not you
what what japan country got nuked or
city uh hiroshima nagasaki hiroshima
yeah
[ __ ] it’s always like these hiroshima
jalapeno yeah
yeah they always they always have
horrible names for them we’re going to
do that and
we got a new sponsor um we can well
they’re
sponsoring the hot ones yeah they’re
sponsoring the hot ones episode uh
so we’ll give them a little sneak peek
cascadia pizza
in the king county area is paying for
our wings yes thank you guys
a ten dollars and ninety five cent value
well that’s two so actually it’s like
after tax it’s like twenty five twenty
six dollars yeah you gotta write it down
actually for all this
actually might be more than that cause
there’s there’s quite a bit of wings for
each sauce so yeah there’s ten wings
each there’s ten sauces
ten ten wings well for the sake yeah
that’s more than 25 bucks that’s 20
wings
i’m saying i’m saying there well we have
to pay for the sauce
because we have to buy the official hot
one sauces that are you know whatever
we have to do yeah we can do the hack
ones we gotta do them yeah exactly we
got the real ones thank you cass thank
you cascadia thank you cascadia and
another thing
for those of you watching jake todd made
a
painting painting finally came out yeah
of around the lunch table and it
is beautiful it’s beautiful uh shout out
the great jake todd follow him on
instagram
and bumble and uh only fans you can find
him there so ah zee
talking about street we are talking
about
talking about current events guess who
just got out of
prison mr bill cosby the free man
the free man shout out bill mr bill
cosby’s back on the prowl do you think
he wore his sweaters in prison
you can’t well they probably you know
we’re like hey you know hey bill
do you think he did like stand-up nights
there he’s like i’m jim jones
in the flowers and the flowers and the
bees
and the [ __ ] it was interesting is
not until like a while back i didn’t
realize how rich he was
he’s [ __ ] he’s like 500 people like
500 million dollars you’re one of
something if i
before trump was president if someone
said name the person according this
grabbed him by the [ __ ]
would have said bill cosby but it was
our president that’s even better yeah
yeah the uh so bill cosby’s out uh
i don’t want to say shout out because we
all know he was guilty just like oj
but the oj thing’s crazy because like
it’s funny that everyone knows he killed
the [ __ ]
but it was like it was like it’s widely
assumed he did he most likely widely
assumed yeah i mean
i mean widely assumed have you ever been
on jury duty no
i’ve never been asked the thing is i
never wanted to because sounds like a
waste of time but now that i work a lot
of my please please please please please
the problem is like my work they’ll
write a letter
and be like it’s basically because
people have been at like joe got asked
for jury duty
and i believe uh the owner of our
company
wrote a letter saying that it is vital
to the company’s
profit or whatever that joe stays at
work and then you don’t have to go i’m
like i wouldn’t because every company
can do that then
i exact a lot of them do but i want to i
want to decide life and death and if she
is the owners of mine coming probably
too lazy so yeah i like imagine
it it’s like a power thing it’s like
life and death in my hands if she’s hot
it’s not like it’s not life and death in
your hands i mean what if you get a
really good case you don’t know what the
case you’re gonna be on it could be
[ __ ] yeah but the odds of getting
death penalty are very low and you’re
not going to be dealing with
high-profile cases okay let’s go into
prison it’s more like misdemeanors and
[ __ ]
going to prison for life is my mom
actually was
got uh selected as like the head juror
and she came back and told us the story
about
i thought you weren’t supposed to talk
about it
she didn’t talk about it i don’t know a
woman i know
um no i mean if the case is over i think
you know what i’m saying i don’t think
she’s
talking oh well i don’t [ __ ] know
anyways amy
um she said she was on this this woman i
know not my mother
a woman that i know uh she was on this
case
where the so there was a so this
girl and guy were boyfriend their
boyfriend girlfriend they were like and
they’re like
teens or whatever then the mom things
petite teens um and [ __ ]
uh the dude so what’s funny is
i don’t even know what the case was
about because this is what it was about
but it all just came up because the
girls were bitching
the dude was [ __ ] the girl his
girlfriend obviously
and then he was [ __ ] the mom and then
some weird [ __ ] went on
and then i don’t know what was the crime
there because sly dog
i mean you know banging a mill vane a
crime it’s highly encouraged by your
friends
it’s an accomplishment to some a gold
medal gold star
in the nobel peace prize to others
and the emmy goes to the guy
we didn’t really expand on the cause we
think yeah so he’s he’s
he’s going on tour no he’s not no you
know he is
that’s the whole point he’s not saying
he wants it’s noted that he wants to
revive his comedy career
first of all the first big question i
have wow second of all
he’s 84 85. he’s in his eighties he’s
yes he’s one foot
he’s 80 something and the thing is he’s
he’s legendary enough if all this [ __ ]
didn’t happen he could
i’m saying he could quote unquote but
like now
what 56 yards girls come up and make a
statement that’d be like harvey
weinstein being like hey guys i want to
shoot a movie who wants to come
no one would come because it’s harvey
weinstein
a lot of people would come but that’s
[ __ ] [ __ ] up
now you have to want it to go what i’m
saying there’s no and what like
his agent hey this is a great this is a
great time
dude this is a great time for a comeback
man you’re fresh off this case
can you imagine [ __ ] only 75 women
came forward it’s okay you’re good
o.j simpson’s madness manager is just
like dude
i think you should do it [ __ ] go back
i know it’s just like i
i don’t understand that yeah that’s
never going to work i’m sorry bill
yeah i mean i the people that go i’m
guaranteeing let’s keep an eye on the
chest with him at the [ __ ] nursing
home probably because bill cosby he was
in prison on a nursing home
i’m saying wasn’t at one point he wasn’t
understanding it’s a prison
no i know i’m saying wasn’t it do you
think he got raped in prison no because
he’s a celebrity he doesn’t get housed
with everybody else
so your social stature depends what cell
block you get put into
um but if you’re a very notable figure
you don’t get placed with everyone else
i mean no one’s gonna because
people will target people will target
famous people and he’s worth 500 million
dollars i think he can get his own sell
yeah i mean i just i can’t imagine
myself from prison like
everything has a price james and there’s
always i can’t imagine myself in prison
being like i want bill
like i’m gonna [ __ ] him in the ass it’s
more for like probably the notoriety
thing like hey i [ __ ] it
this is some big dude that’s jacked the
[ __ ] now who’s doing the [ __ ] bill
yeah oh nice that was good
uh if you were in prison like what gang
would you join up with because obviously
the first prison rules are you you punch
the biggest guy there and then you get
your ass
but i will say you have to join a game
look at my skin color look at yours
that’s who we would be with simple as
that so you be with the latinos
mexicans latinos whatever yes i
don’t want to and i would be against
this but i guess
i mean i have to be with the white guys
you have to be so what am i gonna be a
[ __ ] white supremacist
a nazi [ __ ] symbol on my unless you
want to get [ __ ] by everybody
i would stand no you i would say nazis
after that no
that’s not how it works how do you know
how it works yeah
um i mean here’s the thing so do you
think that
so you know guys go to prison they have
needs
you know as everyone else does so you
know when they start [ __ ] each other
in the butts
like we’re also gonna [ __ ] the ears
the mouth
okay well anyways where are you going
with this sounded very intriguing
like these guys aren’t gay but like why
they say
getting [ __ ] in prison isn’t gay it’s
prison
have you ever not jacked off for like a
couple months
try just being in a camp with only dudes
for 10 years when was the last time you
went without jacking off for a couple
months
um i’ve noticed it’s when i was in love
like the infatuation is so okay no i’m
telling you
god look at this disney [ __ ] [ __ ] you
let me
say what i want to say let me say what i
want to say because i’m being honest i’m
being truthful i’m opening up that’s not
saying i didn’t pee today because i
didn’t drink that much water
no i’m saying it’s when you’re like
infatuated it’s like
i you feel like you’re disrespecting
them by doing it
okay thank god i’m not in the mood
because i’m so horny when i’m around
them
that is so stupid i’ve never heard i am
open up my feelings this is what you do
that’s not opening up that’s just
telling me something you’re thinking no
i i
that that is the thing okay you know
what i’m just saying
when uh what is the longest time you
went without jacking off
one time i went for 39 days
so you counted yes so it was a challenge
yes was it not november
nofap november night and then i
continued it and i was like
who am i trying to impress yeah exactly
it’s like just me it’s just me here
the only person you have to impress is
the guy in the mirror yeah
i uh it’s like that scene wolf wall
street i don’t do it because i want to i
do because i [ __ ] have to
yeah i mean it does it does clear the
pipes you know it is healthy
it gets the heart rate going a little
bit you know i mean
the uh the first time i ever did was in
uh
i think i was jesus christ
i’m an open book i guess so hey mom if
you’re listening
anyone’s parents yeah as [ __ ] yeah oh
good idea
uh i remember we actually talked about
this our first times
but it was with aidan and jordan and a
woman who shall remain nameless now
was there and they wouldn’t open up so
we stopped the episode so this is
actually
new content um the first time i ever did
was i didn’t i didn’t know what i was
doing at all at
all i got it i didn’t know what i was
doing
um i remember laying on a pillow
and then i just kind of moved and i was
like oh that you know
feels okay and then you know
i don’t hate it that is my god then i
was like am i gonna pee
whoa what okay so let me get you you
have to tell your story after this
my story is not that um let somebody say
this so your
first time was [ __ ] a pillow uh i
would call it
you were humping a pill like a dog a dry
hump yeah
yeah i didn’t know what i was doing i
didn’t even know what it was how how do
you even get there from doing that i’m
saying i was just laying on a pillow
like was it
was it like ribbed pillow how the [ __ ]
does that work ribbed is for her
pleasure not his
um but it still can be both have you
ever used a ripped condom no
it’s not because i’m not a fancy guy i
require the basics do they have studs
like fire and ice i remember a guy
we know was like dude you guys wear the
fire and ice like yeah i wanted to feel
like i have chlamydia on fire no i
wanted to feel like you know how your
throat feels after you eat eat
peppermints yeah i want my wiener to
feel like that
why basically numb maybe you could last
longer with fire
wait who gets fire who gets ice if
they’re really good marketers
they would get it each different times
yeah well well the one i think i think
one is inside the condom one’s outside
which one i haven’t i have it i haven’t
so when you’re in there right
okay think of when you eat like big red
gum yes
eating it’s it’s like spicy you open the
air gets in it’s cold
fire very nice that’s gonna be so so
when you’re a big red gum so when you’re
in
you’re in it’s it’s warm friction
there’s a lot of warmth in there it
feels like a big red gum
okay
it’s like a dragon it’s like like a
frost dragon
no but i’m saying maybe i’ve never used
that that’s
that i mean either that is my hypothesis
one of the ones i’ll never use is the
studded ones where there’s like little
[ __ ] balls on it
it’s like why i know what why you you
wanted to feel like a shotgun went off
inside yet
like what the [ __ ] i’m not doing this
they’re
little babies yeah but they’re like it’s
just for like so they
okay imagine they had these like condoms
like the little sticky hands that
grabbed
as it was it went in
pulls you in she’s like oh this baby’s
got hydraulics on this
this cotton is trying to crawl out yeah
uh what
what was the first time you jacked off
was it like how how did you know what to
do
i didn’t i uh i think exactly i didn’t
know what i was doing no i didn’t and
then i’m like okay
this is nice and then as i got close i
was scared of what was going to happen i
thought it was going to be so for a
couple months i just didn’t go there
just edged for a couple months i edged
for a long time good blue balls for like
and then but no i’m sorry i didn’t
notice that i’m like oh my [ __ ]
because i didn’t you know it was i was
fine
and then you know finally i was like you
know what i’m gonna commit i’m gonna do
it
and so i just walked to the bathroom and
i’m like and so like i was
i was standing like i was in a shirt but
the thing was
you know when you’re erect you can’t
exactly
stand up normally and pee right so you
have to get perpendicular or you do a
handstand
i was perpendicular okay and so you were
trying to pee
no you were going to do it it felt like
i was yeah just in case i was preparing
for the worst case scenario
and i was like you know what i’m going
to commit let’s do this let’s see what
happens
let’s go on the other side let’s pull
back the curtain enough with
enough of the shenanigans let’s see
what’s going on enough with them with
the with the smoke and mirrors yes
we want to see and i was [ __ ]
frightened
i the first i’m so glad i didn’t do this
because i know a lot of people did a lot
of it
everyone the dude like in middle school
until they had we all had talks about it
at lunch and [ __ ] like all we talked
about yeah that’s all about our stories
and [ __ ] i’m saying
i’m so glad because a lot of people did
it i almost went to my mom like hey
there’s something wrong with me
and then at school i
then other people tell me something like
oh i’m like okay so we’re good this
isn’t just a me thing
yeah so we’re good okay yeah did you
ever have a wet dream as a kid
no like i had one as a kid and i did
that to my parents
i didn’t know what happened then i ran
in luckily i didn’t like tell anyone
that but i actually didn’t know what
happened
that’s the thing i never yeah no i not
like when i actually
yeah i did i didn’t i wish i could
remember that dream you don’t brand
i could say brandon brandon had
i’m not gonna say his last name but um
brandon uh one of my good friends
brandon has
had had always had he was always a big
you know a big deal at the lunch table
and if you guys didn’t know around the
lunch table
yeah he always had hilarious
[ __ ] stories and so everyone would
sit around
and want to hear what brandon had to say
this one time he saw the story
so he had like a wet dream apparently
and then um his dad came in
and and this was like in the morning
when he woke up like he was like oh what
the [ __ ] and his dad came in so he
instantly he knew what he was like oh
see and his dad like sat on his bed he’s
like and his dad and him had like a
tough talk the night before something
like that and so he’s sitting there
and he put his he’s like hey man like he
put his hand on the blanket he’s like
and then he tried it he’s like hey it’s
time to get out of bed he’s like oh no
no no no
no and then um obviously he’s being
productive his dad was like
you want something you want to tell me
about it because obviously his dad was
probably he probably knew
you can sense the energy yeah and his
dad was like and then
his dad had apparently asked him he’s
like do you have a wet dream like just
straight up asked him and he’s like
a what it’s like a wet dream he’s like a
wet
dream mm-hmm and like acting like he
didn’t know and then he went
so it was dead obviously like so this is
the funniest part and then he goes to
the bathroom
and closes the door and
he’s like in there for like in like
obviously he’s like trying to clean
himself off because
he has to leave for school and [ __ ] and
then he hears a and he’s like he’s like
oh my [ __ ]
and and he hears a bang on the window
told you he had the wet dream
his dad went to his dad told you had the
wet dream
see like there’s either there’s two
sides of parents there’s the ones that
are like
overly sexually open and the ones that
just like don’t talk about it ever i
wanted me be in the middle you know
but at the same time it’s such a weird
conversation like the whole as your kids
are growing up
it’s in the back of your mind and you’re
like i just don’t even want to address
it and so you only address it when it
comes
oh that was good that was good yeah
no pun intended yeah um like when my
like if i have a son
and the shower is like 45 minutes long
it’s like all right i need to
put some drano in this like the thing is
my parents just let it go
really like i just take 45 you almost
got caught once remember oh you did get
caught
you were in the background a couple
times you did a couple times i only know
one
this is why i call you cnn the bathtub
thing i was never in a bathtub i was
like in the shower
in the store i know and i remember
telling it and i was never interested
i didn’t tell the truth no i was like
taking a long-ass shower
and they just like oh you were pro what
were you doing in there i’m like
and they were like waiting outside the
door because i was took like an hour
long yeah they’re like what were you
doing they’re like oh nothing to shower
and then obviously they knew and they
were trying to
trip me into like i don’t know like
admitting it yeah i
i almost got caught once i was on the
side of my bed
like on the floor for some reason
because my bed was at this angle you
could lay on the floor and like you
couldn’t see if you walked in the door
and i don’t know how long i was going
for a black locker behind your head yeah
yeah it was yeah um i don’t remember how
long i was going for but then i remember
just like
picking up and my mom’s just sitting
there like looking she’s like what are
you doing i was like looking for the
football under my bed and then i just
started looking under my bed and there
was no football
but yeah that was the only time i almost
ever got caught anyways we’ve talked
about
jerking it for yeah quite a while uh but
back to speaking about prison
um so there was a prison so
you know how like prison guards will
like have a relationship with the
prisoner
that doesn’t happen much but i know you
saw the article well no
you told me about this yeah it was a
thing how does that work like do they
like
fall easily ground times the lawn you
know what i read this is kind of [ __ ]
gross what
she had cut a piece of fabric out of her
pants in her crotch area so then they
could [ __ ]
and then she could walk away wow that
that’s a keeper right there but she was
married
well i mean you’re you’re in prison
you’re not married anymore yeah but he’s
not waiting but well i think the real
thing she got in trouble before she
snuggled like drugs and foreign
in the rice krispies i don’t think she
got jailed for smuggling rice krispies
no i’m saying
she they would smuggle drugs and that
was just an article you would smuggle
adderall and [ __ ] in the rice krispies
because i didn’t know you could drop off
snacks to your loved one i thought they
checked that [ __ ]
do you remember in the longest yard
where they had where they hid cleats in
a cake
it’s like you didn’t think they’d take a
slice out i don’t think they hit
adderall in a rice krispie treat
they did it was an article no i’m saying
you told me
like oh no they traded the adderall for
rice krispies no they didn’t no
they put the adderall in the rice
krispies they put the drugs in the rice
krispies and then they got a snack in
the mail
if i was in prison would you write me
no good just kidding yeah i would write
you i’d come see you and talk to you on
the
two-way telephones dude press one to
[ __ ]
i actually had one of those might say
who it was uh someone i know is in
prison
and uh they wanted help
you know when someone’s like so far gone
like they’ve been in prison all they
know is jail you know
all i know is prison he was like i’m
gonna start a t-shirt company and we’re
gonna make religious shirts i’m like i’m
glad you found religion in prison
but uh and since i was good with
computers rock climbing best place to
start a foundation huh very true
he wanted to call me and i remember
answering the phone and i have a
business offer for you investors
possibly you um he had a
and so i answered the phone and it said
you were receiving a call from the
united states penitentiary press nine to
answer and i was like [ __ ] yeah
and so [ __ ] yeah maybe it’s wheezy yeah
it was evan i got some new lines you
want to listen to my boss didn’t he do a
wrap on the phone
i believe there’s a song of bobby
schmurdo no lil wayne
did a a verse for drake over the phone
now that’s dedication now the other
thing i will say is i
read the you have it you have it now the
diary of
all that didn’t sound that bad he talked
about watching tv he never talked about
getting [ __ ] or anything
did he no but like [ __ ] prisons not
oh it sounded pretty good no i’m not
saying it was a vacation
believe it or not celebrities get
different prisons than normal people
it’s just how it is
i don’t get that just based off your
social stature because
you are more sought after if you’re
someone well known
it’s just a fact so if atlt pops off
when we get in trouble where you and i
are [ __ ]
that won’t happen but i’m saying if
you’re someone who’s
anybody you’re not gonna just not gonna
throw you in with 800 people
because you either get raped killed or
both jesus
you ever see shawshank redemption yeah
remember when uh they put the thing in
his ear to suck his [ __ ]
wait what yeah he had to like i don’t
remember that
they wanted him to suck his dick and so
to make sure he didn’t bite on it they
had like a thing in his ear and so if he
did they’d shove the thing through his
ear like that’s shiv
oh i hope that’s the right movie i’m
talking about
was that what i i remember that
it was it was called like the something
sisters they called them the sisters
i’m serious just type in sister’s
shawshank redemption
they wanted him to you know suck his
peen which to be honest i mean
i was you know we we we’ve had our dry
spells i was perfectly content we just
beat my own meat i’ve never been like
you know what i’ll [ __ ] a dude
well yeah but i guess you know after 10
years you’ve never really done it
without 10 years
i mean but i’ve been jacking off for 10
years and i’m still chilling
exactly i’m saying but not in not
for that long um they don’t have rules
of not jacking off okay
god [ __ ] you’re the most argumentative
person i’ve ever met let me argue i’m
not
you’re a binge arguer you just love
doing it for no reason
that wasn’t necessary atlt breaks up
over argument
okay do you see it
um
okay you’re right you’re right right all
right thank god you’re right i was like
what else did you [ __ ] see that
what did it say says when andy tries to
fight off the latest attempt boggs
threatens to shift andy through the
skull if
if he does not give him in his buddy
oral sex
nice i mean what would you do in that
situation would you take that’s a shame
yeah it’s all about it eye contact and
all i guess
you didn’t say you have to look at them
well what are some way to look at i mean
it isn’t in pubes what else it might
look like it is an intimate gesture you
know i’d be like yeah it’s like okay
like you know i’m giving you this you
don’t
knife me that yeah it’s like you know
maybe you and i can go out for lunch
after this you know
see what’s up and then after i’m going
to therapist
yeah did you ever see the the show
prison break not all of it
it got so stupid because they broke out
it was a really good start it was a good
it was a hot start
great start great dude’s like an
engineer he gets the map tattooed on his
back
it was a sick [ __ ] story and then
after like season seven they’re like
like it was it was prison break and lost
dude those were like lost angeline
lily’s come up dude
god i love her yeah me too
didn’t um no i’m saying in that like
in the breaking breaking bad i wasn’t in
prison break era
like lost those are the two that were
pretty in that time right
it was like lost the ending of loss was
like remember they didn’t watch the
portal
they found some like tunnel to heaven
the whole thing was a dream or something
i don’t know
i hate that what a cop-out i hate hey
we’re out of ideas just put this make
this be a dream yeah they actually had a
seizure and they [ __ ]
whatever yeah like so oh
here’s a question so say you were in a
coma okay okay
for life i’m in a coma for life or
you’re just like
you’re in a coma for years do you want
me to just end it or do you want me to
stay by your bedside
how would you want me to actually okay
well the thing is i know okay am i going
to come out of her or not
if i’m at some point yeah just don’t sit
there but just wait for me to come out
of it and then give me some and then
give me give me a couple moments of and
then end it yeah
a couple moments of what just something
like hey give me a nice dinner
real quick you’re in a coma you can’t
eat after i wake up what so i can
i can i’m not gonna wake you up and then
kill you so i can enjoy a couple life
if i’ve been in a coma for 10 years if
you wake up then you’re fine i’ll bear
i’ll barely be functional i’m already by
that time i’m already in my
30s i’m [ __ ] it i’m done yeah you’re
do you know what happens when you come
out of a coma your body just doesn’t
work
i don’t think that’s true you’re laying
in a bed you’re not i know but
you can come out of the coma and be fine
you can be fine but you know like in the
movies
you just said life and then i’m so i’m
thinking i’m done i’m saying like
you know get your hands off my mic stand
[ __ ] you
hey that wasn’t necessary anyways what
i’m saying
is if you were in a coma like okay
so say you had like a like a disease
a disease a disease a disease a disease
well you’re gonna like you’re not gonna
be all there in like a year
so like alzheimer’s i don’t know
dementia
yeah yeah do you want me like we watched
the notebook the other night remember
the girl the golden
old couple yeah yeah yeah but say you’re
not old so you’re we’re we’re both like
35 30. if i’m okay i’m going to a point
where i’m just done for
yeah would you like me to yes yes how
would you like me to do it
um we’re gonna get it on record well if
i say it on record it’s not exactly
legal so i can’t really say i want well
we would sign the contract
i mean i’m not i mean i’ll do it but i
want to make sure i’m not going to
prison
um did you know if i’m not mistaken
you actually legally can sign like a
it’s not in the united states it’s in
switzerland you can go there yes
and it’s like a duel like it’s a you can
actually
yeah have somebody i want them to take
my life i believe it’s in switzerland
you can there’s a company that does it
which by the way who starts that hey for
the people who don’t want to live i’ll
kill you for money like
[ __ ] but uh i believe it’s in
switzerland
correct me if i’m you know what don’t
correct me if i’m wrong you come for
facts you don’t come here
uh it’s in a not our country you you can
sign it away and somewhere yeah i’ve
heard that yeah can you do me a favor
yeah oh no now he’s laughing
i would like one thing for me right now
may i ask a favor
i would like you to stand on the
fireplace and sing 30 seconds
for 30 seconds cover song if you end up
sing one thing
it could be fun it doesn’t have to be
like you try singing give me some
everybody we’re having we’re having open
carry open mic
karaoke night right now acapella james
dude spence if you’re not watching he’s
standing up on the thing he’s gonna give
me something
all right wait should i give you a genre
or is that too hard yeah give me a genre
this is the same music so an oldies song
for sure and all these okay
and you can sing it i’m not saying
actually try like just do something oh
i’m gonna try it i’m gonna [ __ ] make
some people cry on the podcast
okay okay okay
get your ass up here and join me please
almost there we’re no strangers to love
you know the rules and so do i
what’s the next part got commitments
what i’m thinking of
you wouldn’t get this from any other guy
i just want to tell you how i’m feeling
gotta make you never gonna give you
up never gonna let you down never gonna
run around
and hurt you never gonna make it
nice one james nice to meet you yeah i’m
here i’m here all night um
i was gonna do a black eyed pea song or
possibly pitbull
but that’s the first one when you said
oldies the first one came to mind
um what is a song let’s get down to
business
to defeat push the huns
once we find our center
then you might
never see mulan no no what’s that part
in the movie um i’m never gonna catch
my breath say goodbye to those who boo
me wish i was a fool in school
cutting jam be a man you must be swift
as a coursing real
man with all the strength of a raging
fire
mysterious as the dark side of
the moon
thank you oh no we snap
yeah thank you snapping fingers dude hey
okay listen that was a rabbit trail
everyone knows that new mu mullen
the new molly mulan movie came out and
you know what
i was a huge fan of mulan obviously yeah
okay she was back in the cartoon but
but guess what no mushu no soundtrack
no i’m not seeing that [ __ ] that [ __ ]
what did you do
by the way you give me one more [ __ ]
suicide squad and i’m gonna commit
suicide
[ __ ] that [ __ ] i’m harvey freaking quick
yeah cause harley
she says freaking she says [ __ ]
honestly okay let’s here’s the thing i i
was never a fan of them
i watched the first one and it was just
wiz khalifa
it was and then they had logic in a
[ __ ] me
it literally was just a bunch of random
[ __ ] it was like no it was like [ __ ]
robot chicken
this is what they did what they did they
got like a ton of mainstream artists to
try to get hype
make the soundtrack and they made the
movie around the soundtrack that’s
exactly what they did it’s a cop-out
you guys [ __ ] suck so you know what
you need to do make a different [ __ ]
movie
try something different because suicide
squad part six is gonna suck ass
no one watches it no one cares i would
rather watch
20 fast and furious in a row family is
everything i would rather
watch ludacris driving a volkswagen bug
to work for 20 hours in the fast food
then watch
suicide squad is so bad [ __ ] it
i’m you know what i’m tired of you want
to know what grinds my gears
i’ma [ __ ] tell you we don’t come up
with new [ __ ] anymore we just redo oh
next up next up we’re gonna have [ __ ]
tom holland and back to the future with
a [ __ ] life jacket on
with [ __ ] zendaya as the [ __ ] does
his mom
yeah it’s good yeah it’s just it’s it’s
ridiculous it’s all
like and don’t get me wrong i love
remakes of old things
in the proper form get a good director
don’t do a low budget
yeah i’m just saying like for example
i’m not saying the star wars were
terrible but mark him i liked him
i’m not saying they’re terrible i’m
saying even mark hamill himself he’s
like we
he’s like i feel like half of me feels
like we should have left them alone to
like preserve its
staying power like the problem was i
thought daisy ridley was
kind of attractive so that’s why i think
so too yeah but i’m saying the majority
there are there are some that are like
i’m not talking about a series that was
old and they continued it i’m saying
yeah
remakes of movies exactly like from an
older than they mentioned milan
that [ __ ] sucked yeah [ __ ] suicide
squad part four
ass the joker did a good job
one because they had a good budget good
one joaquin if you want good things you
spend good money on them you want shitty
things you spend no money on them yeah
you’re not gonna go to the stock market
and put 100 bucks and expect to be a
millionaire next exactly unless you
follow a millionaire mentor on instagram
then he’ll tell you how to [ __ ] do it
he’ll tell you how to put a mattress on
the floor yeah we know a guy who knows
millionaire mentor too
um no the the point i agree with you not
there’s not
there’s not new [ __ ] there you know what
you know who i want to see come back
nicholas cage yes bring him back bring
back nick he
banged an asian he married an asian he’s
at the top of his game his
his [ __ ] is his
[ __ ] confidence is through the roof
give him a real role i don’t want to see
him
in a 1900s western film
[ __ ] stealing the declaration of
independence i want to see him well
national treasure was amazing it was the
national design it was in 2000 i said
i’m saying i don’t want to see we
watched we saw a preview of a movie
where he was like killing witches in
like the 1700s yeah yeah yeah
no give nicholas no we talked about this
remember he went broke and he had and he
went and did a bunch of low budgets iron
man reboot iron man comes back in her
alternate universe through loki as
nicholas cage what’s the one um
escape from alcatraz island or whatever
the one he did that one was [ __ ] good
it’s called the rock lord of war lord of
war was great and here i will say this
national treasure was good
the first one was [ __ ] amazing yes it
was it was right bring back nick cage
man
he deserves better he deserves more
respect stop giving him these shitty
roles
okay he just married like a 14 year old
age
[ __ ] she does look really young she’s
like in her 30s but that’s just
yeah that’s just how it goes and that’s
a good stereotype they
they do look young they they do look
young yes
yes my point is i want i want you know
what i want to see
i think every so often like all the the
top producers top
series should just put all hollywood’s
names in the basket ones that are
forgotten if you know when they did that
they should pick one you know
and pick one every every big film coming
out and they should revive a career
no you won’t know what we’re great
starting with nick cage actually was one
and three the second one sucked when
they did
oceans they brought at that time the
biggest names
yeah all of them all there was no bigger
name than brad pitt and george clooney
at that time
not a single one bernie [ __ ] yeah
bernie matt damon
yeah [ __ ] and they brought him in and
they made him heist
heist and that was even and that was
even actually i’m saying like it wasn’t
so long that goodwill hunting was
because goodwill hunting
is probably one of the most popular
movies of all time that movie was still
i’m saying matt damon out he’s still
famous now but i’m saying it was at his
height he’s at his height there they’re
all at their heights yeah exactly
george clooney’s been his height for a
while but anyways george clooney dude he
has always looked old but such a good
looking old
guy dude i want to look like he’s bagged
he’s up there you know there’s like the
top ten it was uh him and charlie sheen
um no charlie sheen’s not attractive to
all right he does that he’s raised money
yeah
um which i don’t know from what like two
and a half men
he left for ashton kutcher but i’m
saying he also did a lot of things
producing wise another
yeah uh who is the guy uh magic johnson
he apparently has the record no he does
100
it’s like 10 000 women okay i wouldn’t
say record like if someone knows the
number no one knows the number but he’s
notorious
he has like a tally and another [ __ ]
woman tonight yeah
i feel like to hit that like so if he’s
like a three-way he counts all three of
like two of them right he’s like hey
ladies
thanks for the assist how many portions
do you think he had
too many accounts dude i’m sure
especially because it was in
it was yeah dude i had a lot of dude he
got a [ __ ] punch card from planned
parenthood
get 10 get the 11th free
he comes in with him place again magic
magic
again magic you keep spitting your magic
[ __ ] do you know how many girls wanted
to keep that baby magic again
how about this time you use your magic
to get rid of
that’s [ __ ] up yeah he definitely had
a punch card a hundred percent
do you think he put him on the credit
card got those alaska
i’m one more abortion away from diamonds
they’re just going to bora bora for free
i know
thanks kids yeah
okay it’s [ __ ] up yeah i’m saying you
you can’t tell me that’s not what
happened
yeah okay okay you can’t you could be
hurt your feelings i’m gonna be a
realist okay yeah you can’t bang ten
thousand women and not expect all of
them to be on the pill
yeah especially because he’s famous and
he’s rich so they’re all probably trying
to get pregnant
yeah it is interesting like uh
like i get like you know there’s you
know like the lebron james here’s the
thing i understand
why don’t they have male birth control
it makes a lot more sense to take the
bullet out of the chamber than to put a
fruit vest on i’ve heard that that’s
just i’m just saying
yeah i agree i’m just saying maybe it’s
more complex because oh it’s the oh it’s
the egg that’s
it’s more of the i believe the women is
the vessel so that the vessel is where
you go to
yes no i believe the pill so a girl obvi
nah don’t [ __ ] you know what [ __ ] you
if you’re gonna quote me on this you
come to around the lunch table don’t
expect facts i’m just gonna act like
it’s fact i can complain
i believe that a woman ovulates
like twice in their cycle and the pill
stops them from so the ovulation is
where the egg goes into the coochie
to where the [ __ ] can reach it the pill
stops the eggs from ever going down so
you can just cream pie all you want
but there’s no eggs yeah i guess yeah
yeah
done correctly what’s the ieds they put
in there
it’s wait is it’s like copper tonight
i mean it kills kids
that’s so bad
thank you that was [ __ ] good hey that
was [ __ ] up that was really good
oh my god
are we gonna clip that one and put it on
instagram probably not
yeah we the thing is we’re gonna get our
promotions banned we are gonna get
[ __ ] bad for that that’s a funny
thing our promotions got banned for a
while we had to write a letter to
facebook
yeah e i.e that’s explosive it’s an iud
and iud is the birth control thing yeah
because it’s like an internal
urine
[Laughter]
clear like the old like
the western movies when they blow up the
dynamite with the big box and thing
i’d hate to be the string runner [ __ ]
it’s like six miles of [ __ ] fuse
imagine if it goes out like
someone have a bic lighter we can
continue this yeah the uh
i believe it’s like a copper device that
like maybe
maybe sperm doesn’t like copper
what i mean they don’t put copper under
your skin
no i believe the iud is copper
it’s flexible oh [ __ ] well then what
does it do
is it a shield that’s a [ __ ] shield
no i’m pretty sure it i don’t know what
the [ __ ] it does yeah
i’m kind of curious i just know that it
plants itself what does an ied do
blows up i was gonna say something
we had enough [ __ ] up jokes for the
day so and if girls are like oh you
don’t know what iud is well
sorry i’m not i’m never having i don’t
have one in my ass they don’t put it in
their ass i know
but i can’t get pregnant either um a
t-shirt piece of plastic insert in the
uterus to provide birth control
um maybe lasts up to 12 years
wow what the [ __ ] and can serve as
emergency contraception if inserted
within five days that’s what scares me
emergency
and can service emergency conception if
inserted within five days
after wow sperm’s gotta but apparently
apparently there’s a lot of
side effects too yeah like craziness
i was gonna say headaches weight
menstrual changes but that’s what you
just read
because that’s what i’ve been reading
i’m just saying um the thing is i don’t
want an emergency contraceptive
i don’t want an emergency contract
contraceptive
i want something that’s just like it
works all the time this is how it works
effectiveness
availability and effort effort that’s
what it says
if your guy comes fast you’re fine
effort what’s the effort part mean
yeah stamina or if you really don’t want
kids you don’t get them
yeah like do guys with tiny dicks
have a less chance of getting pregnant
do the dudes with tiny dicks have a less
chance of getting pregnant i want you to
think about that
i’m saying because it doesn’t go as far
in you know what i’m saying
you ever had those shots that just go
really far the
[Laughter]
yeah it’s like those dudes in the old
circuses that shot the cannons
yeah i mean i remember i was listening
to a basement yard and danny on there
was talking about he hit the ceiling
once
i was like no he did not that’s what he
said was he unless he was sitting on a
[ __ ]
two high chairs he didn’t [ __ ] come
on the ceiling he said he hit the
ceiling
was he on a ladder laying on the top of
the ladder okay there’s no evidence that
we have to take it for face value i’m
just saying it’s possible
how is it possible what do you think the
farthest come shot is there’s a guinness
world record for that there has to be
farthest comments
i’m gonna look it up they’re happy with
it because there’s guinness worldwide
for everything okay what
what’s your guess i’m gonna say
17 feet i was gonna say 20. okay
it’s very i chose a round number you
choose a very specific number do you
already know
no i don’t because i just guessed i was
thinking okay i was just saying like 40
feet like wait 40 feet that’s
insanity i mean that’s like a [ __ ]
somewhere in the
that’s the teens to upper teens area
that’s a pass to the end zone
i can come farther than i can throw
there is a world’s most famous
long-distance ejaculator some [ __ ]
hell
what is it i’m trying to see 17.
holy [ __ ] projected 18
feet and 9 inches wow
some say was it real or was all just a
long distance wet dream
[ __ ] um okay okay i have to read this
article obviously okay
so as americans toiled through what some
are called
already calling this year’s lost spring
with corona this is a recent article
with coronavirus depriving our schedules
of haircuts
movie going that’s why because he had so
much time on his hands movie going and
pretty much
all other acts of fraternity people
filled their free time in myriad
ways they finished [ __ ] tons of puzzles
plated meals in the spirit of
michelin-starred chefs and reinvigorated
the snail mail industry
i didn’t know that industry was mailing
oh through pen paling okay there was
also one 35 year old north hollywood man
call we’ll call quote unquote matthew he
didn’t want to score
smart man yeah i wouldn’t want to be
known for that who began training his
body so he could shoot his [ __ ] farther
than anyone else in the world how do you
train your body
i don’t know what the [ __ ] you do penis
ups like i don’t know what the [ __ ] you
do
um put a little barbell on it yeah the
biggest longest [ __ ] the ejaculation
record
i’m bored it’s quarantined let’s just
jerk off a lot he thought to himself
back in march
do i actually interview that i know to
accomplish his mission he’s gotten
his pelvic floor into prime shape
through various exercises as well as the
use of electrical muscle stimulation
machines
that work via anal probe
apparently anal probing has something to
do with your come distance i’m not going
to ask questions i’m just going to
accept this this is what our
unemployment is going to be
you all though we’re paying for this us
blue collar workers are playing for this
um they’re typically marketed toward
women who after giving birth may deal
with incontinence a higher risk of
almost
never fun pelvic organ prolapse and
reduced vaginal elasticity
but as matthew says muscles don’t don’t
give a [ __ ]
if it’s labored for women so you pop one
of those up your booty hole and you turn
it on and it shocks you into doing
kegels
[Laughter]
this is one of those ab shockers he also
recommends vibrating kegel balls
matthew you need to oh they said his
name oh my god
okay listen i’m really reading this as
it’s written so whoever wrote this as a
very foul mouth he’s already seen
substantial results a few weeks ago he
says a sexual partner has challenged him
to hit her in the face
with his load as he masturbated while
crotched while crouched between her legs
just below her midsection he overshot
her face however
and hit the wall behind her instead
[ __ ] fastest gunslinger this side of
the business there needs to be video
proof
matthew also supplied me with a video he
gave this dude a video
the dude watched it where he projects a
batch
okay is this [ __ ] buzzfeed what is
this
nice batch i’m not gonna read them yeah
that’s that’s
you know you get the gist
that’s funny yeah this is yeah i i don’t
know who [ __ ] me
do you think you had like one of those
definitely unemployed do you think he
had one of those like paper
like rulers and then just like sat there
and see how far i’d get it i mean it’s
only way to really do it unless or do it
then afterwards
measure the initial yeah i’m gonna need
a fat max 40 footer for this [ __ ] yeah
that’s [ __ ] nuts yeah we’re at 46.
let’s go play stop uh we did talk about
a lot of just
ravenous just disgusting things but
it’s okay uh so anyways if any
i doubt there was any parents that we
know me this far i’m
really sorry mom dad if you ever hear
this i’m sorry
mom i told you to shut it off 20 minutes
ago i my mom should have never listened
i told her she probably took my advice
so
um anyways [ __ ] a what an episode um
time flies when you’re a piece of [ __ ]
huh yeah so i will say
um thank you guys for listening um don’t
forget a reminder for those
loyal subjects that the summer
collection is still up and
we’ll probably only be up because it’s
the end of july right now it’ll probably
only be up until september or so
yeah and then we’ll probably take it
down um jack’s taking his headphones off
he’s already given up he’s already given
up
oh he’s wearing it look at that um so
yeah that will still be up there
um because obviously then after
september fall is going to come around
we’re going to change things up a little
bit
and the summer collection will be
available again but maybe till like
after winter like springtime will be
available again yeah because this year
we didn’t come up with it till middle of
summer so we’ll probably
yeah we’ll be ahead on it next uh next
year so um anyways
um jack where can they find you they can
find me at jack underscore spence you
can find the artist for this amazing
painting behind us yes
at thegreatjaketodd or
thegreatjaketodd.com an amazing
surrealist painter
he stretched that canvas by himself
pretty crazy
caleb did the woodwork shout out caleb
he’s going to be on an episode soon
and he painted that by hand all we asked
him to do we said nothing we said
paint what you think around the
lunchtable is and he wrote the f word so
apparently we say [ __ ] a lot yeah
we do say you know what’s crazy i listen
to some and i’m like god i discuss a lot
yeah we do i don’t even know what i
don’t even notice it and remember i’d go
over your uncles and i’d be like oh yeah
because chandler says he needs to stop
cussing i’m like i don’t cuss that much
i listen i’m like
holy [ __ ] yeah because a lot like i i do
a lot so i apologize for those
sensitive ears but i assume it’s in the
ears i assume if you’re sensitive eared
you wouldn’t even made it this far
so uh z where can they find um isaiah
underscore leslie or you can find both
of our instagrams at our instagram page
at around the lunch table so thank you
everybody and
we have the hot ones episode coming out
that one’s episode coming up sponsored
by cascadia pizza
get it it’s good it’s great it’s
delicious we’re gonna have jordan obay
our videographer’s gonna be here he’s
gonna be um videoing the whole thing and
he’s gonna be asking the questions
yes as we’re just burning our [ __ ]
faces off if there’s snot coming up my
nose and i’m crying
it’s gonna be it’s gonna be ugly it’s
going to be raw so i think i’ll make it
through six
i want to make it try four i’m gonna try
to make it though so um
yeah so we’re gonna do that um any
anything else we’re missing subscription
that’s it subscriptions are coming out
that’s the first paid episode so yeah
check it out yeah the first paid episode
will be patreon is launching
soon the patreon’s almost done we’ve
been working on our tears and everything
been working on it
non-stop so we’re not doing apple pocket
uh apple watch no both okay so what
we’re doing because if people don’t have
a iphone they gotta listen to something
yeah yeah yeah so we’ll be doing patreon
and
um the apple subscriptions as well five
dollars help us out
i’m honestly actually i’m kind of i’m
kind of
upset that we won’t put the hot ones out
for everybody because the hot ones one’s
gonna be [ __ ] hilarious
but you gotta pay for the good stuff
that’s true and it’s and it’s actually
gonna be recorded on jordan’s
it’s going to be jordan’s got 6k cameras
yeah that’s going to be yeah and it’s
going to be the paid one so um it’s
going to take
six weeks to edit it but you know it’ll
come that one’s going to be [ __ ]
hilarious
and we do have this has nothing to do
with the podcast but
on thursday according to jordan obaya we
did a little
uh photo shoot video thing at the fair
at the king county fair and that’s just
going to go on our youtube so you guys
want to check it out it’s kind of funny
the whole thing was a joke we did a lot
of dumb [ __ ] it’s like you did a lot of
dumb [ __ ] you were talking into the 20
bill yeah it’s like two it’s like two
minutes money calling you know check it
out if the money’s calling better pick
up
that’s true but anyways guys hey thank
you again man we’re
against a good little attraction here
we’re already uh well into the mid
like 3000s already so it’s sexy i’m
already getting there so that’s pretty
cool man um thank you ever for listening
um look forward to a lot more [ __ ] down
the road
yes um this is just the beginning a tlt
to the moon baby all right thank you
guys
and
let’s get rowdy up in here
