#33 Clone Wars

J & Z talk about if we would bang the females of us as clones, fast and furious and weddings. Follow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/aroundthelunchtable/?hl=en

Transcript

yeah but dabba do welcome back slapdicks

this is around the lunch table episode

33 33. we’ve made it this far

um first and foremost before i forget i

want to thank our sponsor aputure oceans

bringing

ideas and ads to life to life from the

dead

apparently yeah apparently to life dads

are dead you know what to call

the [ __ ] you gonna do about it um i

think we mentioned this on instagram

story not so long ago

yeah um but not on an episode um

so it’s we’ve already surpassed it a

little bit more but we have surpassed

3 000 downloads [ __ ] because

listen might not be an insane feat or

anything like that but

i will say we were celebrating a

thousand not so long ago yeah

it is a good it’s a big feat of strength

yeah thank you everyone who’s uh been on

the ride and

the summer collection on our merch has

been flying off the shelves off the

shelves and if you have been on this

ride this long

it’s time to buckle up yeah because let

me tell you there’s gonna be some

twirly swirly durlies some [ __ ]

upside downs

it’s gonna be [ __ ] red rockets so

yeah but anyways [ __ ] thank you

thank you everybody because you know we

just [ __ ] come out here and just

talk that’s it unedited because let’s be

honest let’s be on we first started we

literally never thought we would even

get like 100 downloads so

yeah pretty cool man it’s been good yeah

uh wait this podcast

is definitely uh it’s rdf it’s raw dog

for life it’s raw

un edited it actually really is yeah i

mean we

they’re there there’s no protection on

this one so you know if you have a

little bit of a sensitive mind we’re

just going to kindly ask you to

turn to shut the [ __ ] up yeah go to

planet earth or something

find something relaxing go [ __ ] watch

the teletubbies a meditation app or

something but

if you want to get a little dumber and a

cheap laugh you know where to find us

that’s the trade-off yeah uh so anyways

i i do i do want to say something

we finally got the videos figured out i

know we’ve had a lot of complications

but also sorry there hasn’t been a lot

of instagram clips lately but we’ll

we’ll get back on it we’ll get back on

it because the videos have been [ __ ]

yeah so episode 31 and z is not prepared

for this but i’m putting him on the spot

here

episode 31 i dwell on the spot we were

recording an episode and it was like 105

here which yes

you arizonians texans all the people who

have

like the thing is [ __ ] the thing is

like i’m saying in medford we did it’s

100 plus

most summers where it’s not used to that

yeah when i used that anyways

my phone overheated it was hot as [ __ ]

yeah

it was like 111 that day like we had to

stop because i’m like dude i can’t

[ __ ] do this

yeah i’m actually glad we didn’t get the

video because we probably look like

sweaty messes

well i mean but still like kind of

anyway

anyways putting you on the spot there

was a video i wanted you did

and some people might not have even

listened because it was toward the

middle and

i don’t know uh the kermit impression

oh my god there was seth macfarlane did

the kermit thing

i don’t remember what the [ __ ] my

impression was i don’t think you did one

you just made me do it because you

didn’t want to do anything

i can do that what’s that

that’s the independent black woman that

don’t need no man

okay we’re getting canceled for that one

okay okay listen listen listen listen

okay let me give a backstory here okay i

will do it

if it was just me and jack just chilling

i would not do it but

for those of you who didn’t [ __ ] hear

it or whatever i will do it for you

do it do him do it let me give a

backstory here so

everyone knows you’ve seen the movie

taken with liam neeson um i explained

this in that one episode but maybe not

everyone heard it again anyways

so you know the taken phone call when

he’s like on the phone with the guys

he’s like i’ll find you i’ll kill you

like so family guy did their version of

it but it’s kermit the frog

doing the take and phone call and it’s

[ __ ] hilarious and if you don’t know

what i’m talking about

i’m gonna give it my best try doubt i

can top

seth macfarlane but i will give it my

best he’ll be coming in a close second

so let me get into character

you have to wave your arms around

i don’t have any money

[Laughter]

but what i do have or a very specific

set of skills

skills that make me a nightmare to

people like you

stop laughing i’m trying to focus if you

do not let the girl go

i will track you down and i will find

you

and i will kill you

that was [ __ ] yeah we have never done

a high five like that no

that was so good good job yeah

anyways anyways that was good uh

so uh it’s been hot out the week was

[ __ ] good

we uh i did uh read something today

um that i want to share with you z so

apparently no

our good friends to the north or who

north canada to the north i’m thinking

[ __ ] canada

to the north northwest i mean if the

earth’s flat then they could be the

north anyways what is it some people

actually say the earth is flat but it’s

just spinning so fast that it appears

round

i don’t believe that for a second well

actually captain barbosa and

uh pirates of the caribbean went off the

world’s end to find jack

yeah so i like how he died and just ends

up on a beach with like like and he’s

i the part i didn’t get he’s like

[ __ ] i

he’s like there’s 85 different of him on

the same ship he’s [ __ ] eating a

peanut

like just one peanut and he’s like

trying to sli i don’t [ __ ] know the

writers

they were all right away all those

writers of that one first of all pirates

of the caribbean

first the first few all were great how

many are there like i’m saying in that

episode they had to been like on acid or

something yeah i’m like what the [ __ ]

um on that okay have you seen the vin

diesel memes yeah

you’ve sent me two hundred thousand

minimum families

[Applause]

it was the poorly photoshopped

lamborghinis and avengers scenes but the

thing is

it doesn’t have to be a good photoshop

job for a meme you know yeah yeah that

can be [ __ ] interesting that’s part

of the comedy that’s part of the comment

but anyways our good friends in the

north

uh that’s the most savage thing i’ve

ever seen because like you know we we

sometimes you know

you said north korea yeah north nor no

north dakota

not even the best dakota um

[Laughter]

um they call it the badlands um they uh

i heard it gets windy out there um they

in north korea

you know sometimes you you buy the heads

with with your mother you know

say some things you maybe don’t you know

mean you regret something

the dude banned mother’s day so that’s

the people but they already worship him

every day he could pay more attention

he didn’t want one day gone holy do you

think they have holidays like christmas

i don’t know here’s the thing so

christmas is a christian holiday i’m

saying i think they have

it’s that it’s just something else you

know what i mean it’s like hanukkah

no i’m saying but like they have their

own big holidays like we have ours

like like does like iraq have their

independence day or

they probably don’t have independence i

don’t know

we’ve been over there for 20 years i

don’t know i i have no idea

but i’m saying like we have our own i

don’t think it’s all the same so is the

fourth of july in britain is that like

national treason day for them because

why would it be national treason day

because we [ __ ] committed treason and

left

well i don’t think that’s the definition

of treason yeah the declaration

oh in the colonial times yeah the

declaration of independence is

literally committing treason towards the

crown

okay well now i’m with you okay yeah the

[ __ ] did you know she owns more land

than like

yeah crazy but also this is a side note

unrelated i wanna

so have you ever like read facts

that are just outlandish like i think i

read one earlier that said

um the human body will shed six hundred

thousand

pieces of dead skin in a year how the

[ __ ] do you find that out it was very

different

in turn how you count them how do you

count them

600 000 times dude there’s no way

i know i think it’s like they take you

know the skin

wipes off or and they count each little

like i’m saying

there’s no [ __ ] way they do like a

per second and then times that by the

way but like i’m saying there’s

different reasons for dead skin

did i saw the [ __ ] i saw this tweet that

was super cringe but

it has to do with this this girl said in

seven years

all of all of your skin cells will

replace themselves so now you never

touched my body

because she was talking to like a guy

that is not how that works it’s like uh

you’re still a [ __ ]

yeah they might might not touch the skin

that died but still we’re inside you

yeah do you know people think that they

can get their virginities back

yeah that’s not possible it’s like a

religious thing they’re like that’s like

virgin again that’s like [ __ ] and

trying to put it back in your butt yeah

that’s possible it’s called a i don’t

want to know that’s [ __ ] it’s called

a frosty gym

remember quagmire did it oh he did yeah

was insane because he’s like girl that

was sick

it’s the metaphor i’m saying that’s like

that’s not how that works yeah you have

to poop in a condom and freeze it and

then the girl protects that’s it’s

amazing

and disgusting see things like that

it’s like i don’t get like why how do

you get to that point yeah

how how how how i’m sorry those people

need to be like underwatch

sorry by the way [ __ ] in a condom

impressive feet

in and of itself like i’m sure they

don’t [ __ ] into it i’m sure they like

[ __ ] in a cookie tray and then just

maybe do some spats with some tongs and

put it on i don’t know they [ __ ]

like a [ __ ] balloon animals [ __ ]

twisted that’s so [ __ ] gross

god i’m gonna throw up i’m done with

this i can’t do it

oh dude the little dogs they make and

[ __ ] how did was

this your card

[Laughter]

how many okay how listen i’m not trying

to be a hater

how many more fashion furiouses are they

gonna [ __ ] make are we on 11

i don’t know i stopped watching after

the paul walker one i’ve never seen one

because they i’m not

they were pretty good but like it’s it’s

[ __ ] you gotta

just [ __ ] heist heist like no one wants

to [ __ ] it like i’m saying

yeah they were cool for a while and

honestly i think after the paul walker

they should have stopped it there’s like

nice cars are they blown up in that

movie

like [ __ ] tons probably but it’s like

it it’s so

[ __ ] ridiculous like i don’t want to

see [ __ ]

i don’t want to see [ __ ] ludacris

take out a whale with a [ __ ] camaro

or it’s no i’m saying some of the shit’s

like okay it’s like a [ __ ]

like uh like here’s a chopper with a

[ __ ] minigun on it i have my camaro

like what the [ __ ] luckily i just got

the windows tinted like

it’s just so [ __ ] scary i remember i

never saw it but there was the previews

for hobbs and shaw

and like they ran out of guns or

something so then joined the rock

johnson

during the jock ronson yeah yeah yeah

he’s uh he’s like on an island and finds

like his old

this i’m just getting this from the

preview but he finds like where he’s

from

and so they got like spears because it’s

like family can do anything

so then they’re like like eat drink

bombay

[ __ ] going in i didn’t see that it

was in the it was the premium

yeah like i don’t [ __ ] know i’m gonna

hop in this mustang do a 360. like it’s

it’s almost like a shotgun it’s almost

getting as absurd as jason statham

[ __ ] single-handedly killing

megalodon with a [ __ ]

swiss army knife it’s just getting

[ __ ] ridiculous the problem is is bad

guys in movies have the [ __ ]

stormtrooper shots like

these people are like hitting shots

behind their back and like i’m sorry

you put me against jason bourne with a

gun and he’s got a pen you know what i

think i’m hitting you know why

that’s why infinity war was so like they

all got [ __ ] we thought they were

going to win

they lost that’s why it was crazy they

did take the cop out of like time travel

it’s all undone

yeah but it’s like come on let’s get the

writers but yeah that was dude infinity

war was

[ __ ] amazing like end game was so

good but like infinity war

like i remember watching theaters i was

like holy [ __ ] yeah

that was nuts that was crazy that was a

great movie like

holy [ __ ] i like how an endgame

[ __ ] they’re all getting blasted by

the ship and then captain marvel comes

and like

goes through the ship you could have

done that the whole [ __ ] time yeah

before all your friends got [ __ ]

pepper there’s a lot of other planets

out there that need just as much help as

you do

it’s so but yeah that’s some it’s a

[ __ ]

it it infinity war man do you think she

like went both ways i bet i think the

haircut it’s weird how a haircut can say

a lot of things but that was definitely

like we are also in a time where fashion

going to be edgy and [ __ ] fashion is an

evolving thing

of you know guys wear dresses now and

that’s fine that’s that’s great i’m not

going to wear one

i think it’s because the majority of one

you see in like hollywood’s like

for fashion it’s like they actually do

but it’s uh

smith to each their own you know i don’t

[ __ ] know

um uh the uh

i like when like captain america trades

all of his [ __ ] and just comes back old

and wrinkly

and it’s like was it worth it he’s like

that girl and he’s like obviously

talk about pussy-whipped like dude

you’re captain america you can have your

choice of

the thing is okay here’s the part i

understand he could have went back there

grabbed her and went yes yeah why did he

just [ __ ] grab her he

still could have been do you know how

much [ __ ] he probably missed he’s like

[ __ ] i i didn’t

finish breaking bad like that yeah great

show man

and it’s like it’s like you went back in

time to [ __ ]

like you don’t have an ipod like you

don’t like okay well i don’t think that

was the main sticking

i’m just saying there’s gonna be a lot

of things he’s gonna make if they could

do all this from going back in time i’m

sure there’s a workaround to get her to

come over here

i get he had the biggest blue balls in

history i like when [ __ ] uh

dude you know it’s facts you know when

he finally smashed he was like this

wasn’t worth it

yeah because i’m saying it was worth it

for those 45 seconds and then he’s like

you think it’s only lasted he’s captain

america yeah he’s captain america but

he the stamina has got to be there

stamina’s there it’s just

he doesn’t have the he didn’t have the

practice yeah because he didn’t get laid

as a kid

because you know he was like you know

like what he was a minor probably

you said you didn’t get laid as a kid no

i’m playing a minor do you remember

number one he was like a little

oh yeah yeah how did they do how did

they do that did those like special

effects

to make him like super skinny obviously

he didn’t i don’t think he cut [ __ ]

200

i don’t think so either but i mean he

looked like [ __ ] smeagol dustin poyer

did for that

that was an ass [ __ ] that [ __ ] i don’t

want to talk about it hey espn plus i

want my 70

back but the thing is the card was

actually really [ __ ] crazy

yeah pereira did a [ __ ] backflip on a

dude’s [ __ ] head

oh yeah yeah i was [ __ ] nuts the girl

that was the best girl fight i ever saw

she had a waterfall of blood coming out

of her yeah i was nuts

yeah i was like damn she i thought she’s

gonna bring out the infinity stones

a device yeah

the uh oh speaking of old people so i

went to

i i realized something so since we’ve

been doing this podcast

i now see the world of different lights

i look around for

okay i’m kidding [ __ ] god

i’m waiting for you to continue i now

look around for inspiration you know

so i was picking up a bus a nice shuttle

bus

and it was uh it was at this retirement

home and i get there

and the girl behind the counter is just

as old as the other people so that it

was like all right whoo

it’s weird because retirement workers a

lot of times are younger old

no younger well like the [ __ ] chefs

but

well you said receptionist i’m assuming

yeah well she was like 80. anyways so

she

left and this guy imagine she’s like

actually someone who stays there but

she’s nuts and she’s just

think she’s the receptionist hello

it’s it’s a wonderful day at the

retirement community i know like

um so this welcome to peaceful gardens

today we’re going to be watching honey

who shrunk the kids at seven

and then four-year-old chocolate chip

cookies after the movie

and then bingo and then pills pills

pills and pills

we want you guys to date this one gives

you paralysis this one we don’t know

what it does but we’re gonna give it to

you

this one’s a laxative and this one’s a

stool hardener we’re gonna watch him

fight it out

anyways so this dude um this dude had a

name tag and it was like it was like one

of those hi it was like my name is it

was written

carl and so i was like oh he’s got a

name tag you know maybe he knows i was

looking for the director i think a lot

jobs have name tags yeah i’m saying yeah

exactly i thought he worked there so i

go up and i was like i was i was i was

being nice

and i was like hey hey carl can you

point me in the direction of the

director he’s like

my name’s not carl i’m like wait he had

a name tag and said carl

you just like stole it it’s not me but

i’m gonna [ __ ] wear it oh i didn’t

tell you this yet so the funniest [ __ ] i

wanted to snap it to you

so these two old ladies almost got into

it so you know how they had their little

walkers

and so these they obviously it was kind

of like your ants they obviously didn’t

like each other

yeah they had like their little like

mail room and that’s where i was sitting

outside of

and so the one so the mail room is on

this girl’s left and so she turns on her

blinker

or she says she she was like blinker

blinker

and then the little lady keeps going and

then and then she’s like i ran over

i ran a red light better call the cops

and then the other girl is like call the

police

call the police call the police and then

the [ __ ] director comes out so i

found her

i got the girl to [ __ ] calm the [ __ ]

down over that

and that made me realize that i do not

want to get old well

yeah because that’s what you care about

i know it’s it’s actually crazy yeah

and how you’re how it changes you know

even even now i’m saying like it just

it just changes over time i did say it

was nice that apparently i looked like

everyone’s grandson

so that was cool it’s like you look just

like migrants i’m like well i’m not him

she’s like i can’t even see yeah well

he’s not here he’s dead

jesus christ yeah

the uh like when do you think old man

strength

goes away like i’d say 50 or yeah

upper upwards of 50. yeah because when

you get 60s and you start getting those

is it weird how their faces kind of

swell up the heads get

bigger on men i’ve noticed i have not

found that to be the case

i i have observed many of well i’m

saying a lot of things happen when you

get old

some people have conditions some that’s

what you know what i mean so

yeah oh i know what i’ve always wanted

to do like find

like two old people that hate each other

kind of like my grandma but

like and make them fight to the death no

like have [ __ ] like a walker race

oh that’d be good like whoever wins gets

to slap the other one in the face yeah

you know if i had to kill an old person

i just unplugged the oxygen and just

that’s so

[ __ ] up yeah come at me i was gonna

say like push him on the stairs or

something but

like hide behind this bingo in 10

minutes

i would never do that but okay it’s

funny to think about yeah

yeah the uh oh i didn’t i didn’t know

another situation the new rick and morty

season came out shout out season five

sponsored by them uh watch no we’re not

trying to get sued

we’re not sponsored [ __ ] yeah adult

swim’s gonna find around the lunch table

uh anyways

you know when they’re like in those

movies when they have a clone situation

and it’s like they’re like pointing back

and forth like family guy did one too

still we had like a clone and then

yeah yeah yeah so say it’s you and me

okay you’re holding the gun and they’re

they’re i have an evil clone right like

an identical one what are you going to

ask me to identify so you guys are

fighting and i have like a gun trying to

decide which one’s which exactly and

then the other guy’s obviously being

convincing he’s he’s like bro it’s me

it’s me and i’m like dude

it’s me off the top of my head i’m

probably um

from one of the rings you’re late and

then wait

no no no no no no no no no no no no no

with you he arrives precisely and then

whoever didn’t get i’d shoot him in the

head yeah but what if he watched lord of

the rings

i’m saying if you’re identical then

wouldn’t you know like what is something

that like

let’s see your dicks you you could

identify me probably

i think my evil twin would have a bigger

but if you have identical it doesn’t

matter

well you know how in family guy his

overalls were the other color i feel

like i’d be wearing like the opposite

shirt

but when they were fighting it was the

same because remember and they fell off

and when they were in diapers

yeah yeah that’s right um to you i think

what would i say i don’t know i think so

there’s two z’s one

sounds like a good time uh it’s a lot of

laughter

actually i just realized that sounded

very sexual when it did so i was like oh

hey two z’s

um the uh but if i didn’t have a clone

i’d have them go to work for me

we’d switch days i only work half the

amount of time yeah would you

oh here’s a good question so say

you know a long story short you end up

in the mad scientist lab and they make a

clone of you but it’s a

girl okay

i mean technically she would know

everything you like

so your question is am i closing am i

like yeah

i mean you would know all the right

things to say i would yeah

is that it’s not incest is it or no

if it’s a clue it’s it’s you but i’m

okay if it was if it’s a girl though

yeah the reason i thought of this is the

loki show we were playing okay

on one hand but it’s not him you know

what i mean it’s so it’s the girl

version of loki

on one hand about the girl version of z

my turn my turn my turn

on one hand we would get along

so well and that is what you want yeah

you know what i mean and then

oh that’s tough okay i i have another

question

okay so say say that that that situation

happens right you run into a clone of

yourself and it’s just pure bliss

okay are you going to bring her home and

introduce to me as her

as your clone or are you going to try to

pass it off as like a normal girl i’m

going to pass off as a normal girl

you would never tell me like hey bro i’m

[ __ ] my clone oh i would tell you

yeah yeah i’d be like okay

good good yeah good because i want to

know because i’m sure you’d be able to

know if it was like looked exactly like

me but a girl

well i mean you’d have you know girl

features yeah yeah do you think you’d

have like tiny tits or like big ones

i think i’d have not tiny but they’d be

perky

i think i’d have a small ass but big

boobs i think i’d have like they’d be

small but like

very perky and very nice and then like

some cake

i think you’d have a bigger ass than

boobs definitely probably

yeah the uh like if i had a clone of

myself

one

recipe for disaster two yeah it would be

i mean i tell you

but like one perfect relationship i mean

it’s just like hey we know what the

other other needs to do

we know our place in the world no

arguments because you know it just is

what it is

but like here’s a question if i had a

clone of myself would you would you try

to close with her

wait what say there was a clone of me

and she’s like

but you knew it was a clone of me but

it’s a girl and she’s smoking

and okay well so here and i go to bed

you guys are having a few drinks in the

living room

gets a little frisky the [ __ ] i’m saying

are you

are you [ __ ] the girl version of me

or not but the thing is it’s not you

no so there’s parts of me there no it’s

not

it’s a girl i’m saying okay listen

you’re you’re you’re sugar coating if

she was just

bad as [ __ ] we wouldn’t even know have

you ever have you ever used the guilt

girl filter on

yeah i like my sisters what does it look

like my sister

okay well i actually know it looks like

my mom kind of

people say i look like my sister with a

girl filter on dude you are your sister

yeah exactly okay what

yeah what i mean you guys do look very

so you oh

but so you would [ __ ] my clone of myself

if i look at my sister

if i’m a girl if yes you would

you rats i’m just saying rat

i mean it would definitely put this

living situation in a better place

would it yeah because then we could

share one room and have the other room

for

activities i guess we already have an

extra activities

yeah yeah so anyways uh

no that was good you know it’s good to

know what’s what’s going on in that

brand of ears

well yeah it’s nice to know you’d [ __ ]

up my girl version so

i mean your hesitation told me

everything i never confirmed tonight

i’m just saying it’s one of those it’s

one of those things you don’t know what

you do

until you’re there and you know maybe a

couple drinks happens you know

maybe things happen you know

yeah i i i get that there’s only one

blanket it’s like hey just come over

here

yeah might as well you know might as

well i want to show you something come

here

like she’s a [ __ ] dog what is the um

worst [ __ ] cereal

uh kashi tastes like cardboard what the

[ __ ] is that

akashi seven whole grains on a mission

kashi yeah they have like they have like

cereal bars and [ __ ]

i’ve never seen okay a cereal that

everyone would know everyone knows it’s

seven whole grains on a mission i don’t

know what the [ __ ] it is okay fine

uh rice krispies

not actually bad not in a rice krispie

treat no i’m singing the cereal they’re

not bad

i would say the plain the yellow box of

plain cheerios trios suck

honey nut cheerios are good

i mean i guess he only likes unhealthy

things i know that it has like coq10 for

your heart that’s why old people eat

them or whatever the more they’re

getting i was so good

it’s pretty good cheerios honey nut

cheerios are good but what about the

regular church

no that’s what i’m saying oh i thought

okay i said honey nut cheerios are good

the yellow box of like the plain plain

ones this one’s like i’m eating [ __ ]

dead grass

yeah [ __ ] the point i know it’s like

healthier but it’s like dude [ __ ]

at some point you got to live like if

you’re uh

like oh here’s a good one what’s your

last meal like say you know

you got caught oh okay okay rob in the

bank yeah

you’re on death row they’re like yo z

one last minute all right so

i have one thing you wanna know what’s

funny is if they asked a girl that she’d

be like i don’t know what you choose

[Laughter]

[Music]

i would probably pick like a huge ass

prime rib

oh damn it i wanted to see if i could

guess it i was gonna say fettuccine and

oh well kiss my last one i would like

starve myself up to it and then get some

fettuccine

and then like some [ __ ] fire ass

mashed potatoes with it

and then you’re a mashed tater guy and

then some like

texas roadhouse rolls oh yeah the

you wanna know what’s funny is they have

people at the prison who just make the

most craziest [ __ ] just for people who

are done but apparently i don’t know if

this is true they don’t

apparently like they’re like you used to

be able to request anything

you can’t do that anymore well that’s

the shitty thing about a lot that’s

it’s your last meal like at least no i

know but i’m saying like you can

you have a selection but i’m saying you

could do [ __ ] anything of any amount

a waiter comes out with a menu like

would you like any appetizers today save

room for dessert

it’s like i i’d say i’d say do you want

to get some for your family but you kill

them all yeah

i won’t be running around for the

hangovers yeah of course i would get

[ __ ]

shit-faced yeah yeah i would get [ __ ] if

they give you alcohol do they

probably not but i mean i i’d request a

nice glass of some bordeaux

wine and what would you get i feel like

you get like a primary reporter i’d get

the porterhouse

with a sh as much uncut horseradish as

possible what is with you in horoscopes

that’s good man

[ __ ] it’s like painful but like yeah

exactly like what that’s like eating

wasabi

you know like you know like in the

sexual world pain is pleasure i’m not

like that is not the same thing i’m not

[ __ ] the steak but i’m saying it’s

like it’s one of those like

like oh that’s good i guess yeah

yeah i like all i can say is if

like you know we’ve talked about this

like if you were a woman if i looked

down at myself and saw a vagina like i

would

probably freak out a little bit too

as a kid did you were they ever scary to

you

yeah horrifying like it was absolutely

and i can

i can recall one time i was swimming um

and i was probably like i don’t even

know i was like 12 11 maybe

somewhere around there maybe younger

than that so you’re not you’re not

prepared for this yeah yeah it was

probably younger than that yeah and so

i’m swimming i got the goggles i’m

[ __ ] just you know

exploring underwater just [ __ ] doing

the little shark fin on your back to

like scare them

no just goggles and i’m doing my thing

underwater just [ __ ] enjoying it it’s

[ __ ] summer day

and so there’s a girl swimming also um

in our pool and i’m like looking because

i like goggles on so i’m like and i’m

like going and she’s right in front of

and she i don’t think she had a swimsuit

or some [ __ ] so she like

borrowed some huge [ __ ] trunks are

way too big on her

had nothing on underneath and so i’m

swimming behind her and like

it goes up like and i just [ __ ]

i just see coochie

and i’m like i’m like i don’t know what

i thought it looked like but it wasn’t

that

did you ever yeah i remember thinking it

was on the front

like we’re like you know like where are

our boots yeah yeah yeah it was like on

the front i used to think there was just

nothing there

like just nothing there’s like a hole

it’s just a gooch or they peed out their

butt

yeah yeah i don’t know what i thought

but yeah it wasn’t it wasn’t that what’s

weird is we have a gooch like it’s

almost like there should be something in

there because it’s just it’s just blank

there has to be space between there’s

not a lot of space between people i’m

saying there has to be or else what the

[ __ ] else you gonna put something else

in there

i don’t [ __ ] know i mean if i design

a human body i mean i’ve

i change a few things like what what

would you change uh

noses noses noses would you want

voldemort no noses no holes in your face

you ever just seen a nose it’s just it’s

very there are no no

it is just something sticking out of our

head it’s very interesting i’m just

saying i just find it interesting

so would you cut it off no nose but look

how imagine how we were look if we

didn’t have noses

and then we couldn’t do uh eskimo kisses

yeah sure it’s a [ __ ] bug what are

the different kind of kisses there’s

butterfly kisses

that’s from a song i don’t think that’s

a thing yes it’s where you put your

eyelashes together oh my

god it’s like pudding

oh yeah i didn’t know that was it

do you remember that girl we know saying

uh what was it

i don’t [ __ ] know it was uh got a

couple rips in my finger

got a couple rips in my jeans it wasn’t

oh parody trying to put the pieces

together the perfection is my enemy

on my own i’m so clumsy

what’s the last part on your shoulders

do you think like dad’s like oh okay

wait wait wait wait wait time out time

so okay hey listen listen listen i can’t

do this

so like it’s like end of the world

scenario let’s just say there’s like a

[ __ ]

mile high [ __ ] wave like a tsunami

tsunami coming towards you

and vin diesel’s outside

and family like or like

i guess running from some danger or

whatever and like in old lady falls

everyone’s running by her are you re are

you leaving

be on it don’t don’t be that guy oh i’m

picking her up you’re sprinting like

you’re this is life or death are you

gonna stop and risk it for

i feel like she’s halfway on her way out

and she she wouldn’t

she wouldn’t want me to like if i was 80

i would be like

you’re a young man no go but you

wouldn’t if you were in that situation

remember

because you’d be scared remember in

hunger games when she just ran into the

mist oh the missus like

evaporated but hey she was a g for that

i mean she didn’t really have to do that

because okay the thing is she

volunteered

to stop knowing that she would probably

die she just didn’t want the little girl

to volunteer so she did it instead

why but she didn’t stop the mist by

running into it

but they couldn’t carry both of them

because then he got hurt it was either

one or the other and she’s like

so what’s funny is they didn’t need to

carry her because she ran into the mist

but she could she’s old she can’t just

run [ __ ] oh she’s only good

i think honestly honestly i think she

could have just kept running and then if

she couldn’t run out you know what i

mean she could run the other way

but yeah she could maybe she was just

done she was just i think she was just

like [ __ ] this man i’m sticking a

[ __ ]

metal piece into a tree to drink water

i’m out yeah [ __ ] it yeah does that

actually that doesn’t work does it

that’s how you get maple syrup right

yeah yeah basically yeah yeah the uh

like is there a point in your life where

it’s like

how bad does it have to be where you’re

just like you know what

i’m done honestly i crosses my mind

right now

sometimes i’m like i’m [ __ ] done

right now i’m saying it

are you telling me you haven’t had like

a shitty like i’m [ __ ] done i’m done

i’m not gonna off myself

no but i mean like i just give up i’m

[ __ ] done like i don’t care

you ever just had those days where it’s

just like you’re so pissed you give no

[ __ ] about anything and then the next

day you’re like i probably shouldn’t

have done it

yeah yeah yeah but at the same time it’s

like and then i’ll do it again the next

week so

humans i’m perfectly perfect am i right

let it make something that didn’t make

sense at all it could have been a thanos

quote

thanos wise man spitting game spitting

bars

yeah the uh why do why

okay why do girls

i’m i i have to ask i’m saying why

first of all like why do they say like

i’m saying i’ve noticed this in almost

all of them and i thought it was just

maybe like okay a couple but like

i cut all my hair off yeah it’s like but

it’s like a couple inches like but it’s

so long i’m like i’m expecting a [ __ ]

navy seal to walk up to me and you’re

telling me you cut all your hair off so

i’m like what the [ __ ] you mean you cut

your hair off oh i just took a couple

inches off

yeah you know okay then tell me you took

a couple [ __ ] inches off

you know how they like won’t tell you

they got their haircut they’re like hey

notice anything different and it’s like

makeup like like yeah i’m saying i’m

trying to watch the ball game yeah cause

it’s still [ __ ] long what am i going

to see you back oh my god my [ __ ]

tape measure out and see the [ __ ]

[ __ ] compass obviously if you take a

lot you can tell but i’m saying it’s

like it’s still long

why is it it’s always i cut all my hair

off yeah no you didn’t

aaron did she buzz cut it

i mean it was like down to here and now

it’s like you know she likes

but i would say like i cut a lot of my

hair off it needs to be noticed the

appropriate

i don’t like the little test the little

games like i don’t test you

like i get a new haircut she’s like

doesn’t notice it for like six weeks

until i get a new one because your hair

is short enough to where it’s like it’s

always looks like i’m saying

done with the tests we don’t need tests

we’ve already proven ourselves like

you know those girls who wait until

their first kiss to get married

which by the way is not in the bible at

all but we know a few of them

like it’s like you know i’m not like

hating on that

but it’s like the promise of is like you

know what we’ve been dating

for eight years and now now i know that

you respect me

and then they get divorced and you’re

like why the [ __ ] did i do that yeah

that was a lot of girls like uh

like we grew up with because we went to

like a christian okay let me get this

straight there’s nothing wrong with that

like that’s

hey nothing wrong with it i mean if you

find a guy that’s down for it

keep an eye on that guy because guys

should be horned up

all the time yeah well yeah yeah imagine

waiting like eight years

like then that kiss happens you’re just

you’re just bricked up i’m gone like

just i’m gonna

i’m gonna destroy yeah i just don’t

i guess okay it’s like if that’s your

decision i cool good for you

but it’s like the oh well like i’m gonna

look down on other people that

uh decided to have fun and enjoy

themselves exactly like

say at some point you get married okay

are you giving her a little little peck

are you just doing the

no i’m pecking who okay you could do

like a couple in a row like

like maybe a few seconds are you adding

tonight like no no no no no no not in

front of the whole [ __ ]

i like i’ve seen i know i’ve been to

plenty of weddings

and they’re sitting there just tongue

punching their [ __ ] throat i’m like

there’s grandparents and everyone’s like

i’m like two years ago you guys were

trying to separate them and keep the

door open

and now you want to watch them like [ __ ]

but i’m just saying what the [ __ ]

i’m saying no it’s a keep it like

affectionate

not like a peck but like a little more

affectionate make it look like a living

hold it a few seconds we’re not [ __ ]

homeless yeah hold on a few seconds but

guess what you guys just got married

you’re gonna pork later

why are you in front of everybody else

yeah and i like how some people have to

i like how we some families are like we

have to hide it from grandma that you

guys are boning but it’s like

grandma got some dick back in the day

let’s be honest

she’s no inside cat i know it is true

it’s like okay

now that you just have nothing to look

forward to you’re gonna judge everyone

else

yeah but it’s kind of [ __ ] up but

you’re saying grandmas act like they’re

oh i’m saying okay once you get like

real like older senior citizens you get

older like the only things that matter

to you are [ __ ] that just is so [ __ ]

little because you have nothing else

exactly like it’s just like holy [ __ ] at

that point dude just

i’ve told you this before put me in a

white suit take me to the beach put a

nice cigar in my hand a porterhouse and

just true

yeah put one in the back yeah i’ll sign

them like let me finish everything first

and then yeah

but um back to the wedding thing i’m

saying like i have actually been

i’ve been a lot of weddings i love

weddings by the way i’m such a fan great

time literally

if someone listens to this like and

they’re like if they’re getting married

and i i would literally [ __ ] go i’ll

go if you invite us like

hey we love your show could you come to

our wedding even though i would [ __ ]

come

as long as i’m like the east coast i’m

down still okay yeah

if i had an option like enough time and

i could do it i would [ __ ] do it done

seriously i’m not even kidding you

spying by atl i

love weddings they’re so [ __ ] love

them but anyways

yeah i’m just saying it’s it’s a little

much when you’re sitting there

or when they you know bite the little

things especially nine times out of ten

when it’s like

it’s holy matrimony or you’re in a

church it’s like okay relax i’m not

getting married at a church

everyone’s already when they’re walking

out the door throwing flowers yeah

you’re gonna go [ __ ]

yeah i know yeah on your honeymoon

exactly i’m saying you could do that

there

i like how dads sometimes pay for the

honeymoon it’s like i’m gonna pay for

this six day

sex conquest okay well obviously it’s

more than that afterwards it’s like they

they got married so it’s a big thing

okay what are people doing their

honeymoon i have a question yeah

they [ __ ] by the way why

why is it more than more than the guy

it’s it’s it’s the

it’s the it’s the chicks big day it’s

not the it’s not the guy’s big day yeah

yeah

like what is her day you know i’m saying

it’s like because that’s what we’ll say

hey this is her day no

it’s their day yeah you guys want

equality we do too

yeah they uh saying i never i have

noticed that because i’ve never

understood that it’s like

i’m the one marrying this chick like

like it’s a big day for both of them

i’m not taking credit away from the i’m

just saying like you both are getting

married

it’s huge two become one

i like also like plan like the wedding

planning

no dude wants to [ __ ] no that’s right

it’s more of the chicks mom or the

dude’s mom that [ __ ] do it all yeah

like yeah my my big thing is

for my like whenever if i ever get

married like when

like you do okay you do realize

you’re gonna have to cut some people off

the list it’s coming out yeah and

i have like a lot of friends i would

want to invite but like it’s like

can’t invite them all i guess i better

hope that the girl i’m marrying

doesn’t have a lot of friends so then i

can invite all mine because i’m saying i

have like

friends like their parents like i would

want to invite a [ __ ] ton of people

but obviously that’d take a lot of

resources to put together yeah yeah so

the uh like i would want hopefully

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#33 Clone Wars

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More from this show

#136 Weirdly Part 1

#135 My Tigga

#134 Mornings and Moms

#133 Craigslist Cuddles

#132 We Try Something New

#131 Toddler Tussles

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