#32 Dwayne the Jock Rohnson

Episode 32

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J & Z talk about random stuff, to be honest I dont even know. like subscribe ya ya ya
you put borax and honey on a spoon
and watch the ants come
isn’t borax like a detergent i believe
it’s used for
cleaning purposes yeah like a detergent
that’s a cleaning purpose yeah
anyways um what the [ __ ] going on
welcome back slap dicks this is a rum
lunch table episode
if you guys don’t follow us on instagram
haven’t seen um we did announce
thank you jesus
what the [ __ ] is the light he just
hopped in front um
we did just announce um we surpassed
three thousand downloads so thank you
um if you look at this tale we’re gonna
get demonetized
dude he’s licking the part where he
wiped the beer on him no
don’t say that they’re gonna be like a
small time podcaster james spence
[ __ ] abuses animals he decides to hop
up and eat now never accidentally abused
an animal
like any animal i don’t know what’s
weird is this like my
oldest brother once fed a parrot pepsi
and had like a heart attack and died
i have a similar story i actually
strangled a hamster
right in the eye i was like four you’re
just like i’m saying and the only reason
i know this story is because
someone one of my siblings had told me
years later they’re probably very
worried about it
i thought i microwaved it i mean you
looked it in the eyes
no i did i just like i was like i was
before i was like four years old i had
no idea i just
told killers that is but i think they
it’s more
it’s more in depth and they throw them
on the microwave they chop off their
arms or something
human have you ever seen a hamster run
on a wheel like that’s [ __ ] up
yeah like they’re going so fast like
you’re never getting their arms
like little imagine ordering hamster
wings at a [ __ ]
robin or robin
dwayne the jock ross we were at the bar
like uh 10 minutes ago by the way this
reminds me
when and why the [ __ ] did we just start
naming hurricanes
like why do we name the storm hurricane
yeah hey this hey hurricane harold
[ __ ] this town up in 2009
yeah maybe why did we start naming it’s
to make it sound like
less menacing i feel like you know i
came to the conclusion i think it’s like
to keep track of them
well i mean you could just number them
the number system oh yeah but
i know but i’m saying because people
know things by name the most
so it’s like hurricane katrina yeah
everyone knows about hurricane katrina
and where it was so i guess it worked in
that sense but
who the [ __ ] started that i like how
when katrina happened
like afterwards like people were sort of
building their lives to like
guys it wasn’t even the worst that
wasn’t even the worst hurricane like
hurricane susan was way worse i’m like
these people’s houses got [ __ ]
i think it was bad i’m saying because of
where it was like the location that’s
we’re straight from where wayne’s at
right new orleans yeah
the n-o yeah you’re you’re a saints fan
right i am a saints fan
yeah you uh you ever gone to someone’s
house and it’s like their weight
looks like they got a seahawk [ __ ]
lampshade and then the [ __ ] couches
like i get the die hard fans i get that
part my dad’s a die-hard steelers fan
but he doesn’t have it like that have
you seen his office
is it pretty he’s cause well i bought
him like a pittsburgh like you know the
giants thing i have in my room
he has those pittsburgh steelers his
pittsburgh comforters he has pittsburgh
pillows okay he has a pittsburgh mat
he has a ceramic like a saran what is it
is that a thief a steeler i don’t know
what a steeler is he has a signed
steeler jersey by jerome bettis in his
really wow if i knew who that was that
would be impressive
jerome bettis the bus they called him
the bus the bus your best salesman so
yeah they call them you know i remember
this i remember this newspaper article
so jerome bennis was in his last year
they’re going to the super bowl
and because he was called the bus the
article said
this bus has one more stop he’s like
running ah and he’s running through the
so say like what would be your one word
nickname like you have dwayne the rock
the bus we have isaiah
the stallion isaiah the lizard lesnar
mosai the lizard
yes well we have jack jack the
jack the x jack the x spence that’s so
maybe jack the salamander spence
salamander spence
yeah wha what was your first gamer tag
on xbox
uh my first gamertag bard termite that
was j elijah
it was joker paste joker the only reason
it was joker paste was because matt
weekley helped me make it when i was
younger and his name was fluffy paste
so he didn’t joker paste um i still
remember the email to this day bj weekly
at msn
leah matt liam at one was the password
yeah yeah and then we
signed into it so many times he changed
it and then he changed it and i like
i was like and i texted him hey i’m like
this little kid texting
what’s your email password but i
remember we sent
our our like phone number i’m like bro
your [ __ ] son put your name on there
don’t look at me but we put our phone
number on as like the recovery phone
number so we kept resetting the password
yeah we kept putting in something else
and he kept doing it
yeah that’s funny it was like a
never-ending thing yeah
um um on that line like do you remember
i mean there’s nothing called like the
statue limitations where like after like
seven years there is a statue of liberty
yeah limitations oh you wanna oh hey
happy fourth of july everyone by the way
oh [ __ ] yeah
yeah you guys want a good fourth of july
joke oh no
what is what was uh what did the the
colonists wear to the tea party
t-shirts what uh
what did george washington what was
george washington’s favorite tree
the infantry
god i think the best version of joke
version of that joke i’ve heard is like
what are babies in the army the infantry
that’s good that’s good yeah that’s
something the nazis did right didn’t
they [ __ ] like
the hitler oh yeah um hitler youth yeah
remember it was like [ __ ] up
towards the end of the war it’s like
we’re not even shooting men we’re like
no no because i’m saying
you know that scene oh actually just
seen a lot of movies like that like in
like there’s little kids with [ __ ]
rocket launchers that’s what they did
yeah kind of [ __ ] up
do you think you would have been a good
shot yeah yeah yeah i would have quick
scoped everybody yeah
have you ever quick scopes in real life
i have with an airsoft gun
i have with a a 12-gauge shotgun and i
nailed it okay it’s a shotgun how do you
how do you miss well it was a clay
pigeon my dad went pulling i was like
still it’s a shotgun there’s 85 bbs at
it was definitely a silent shot like you
know i held rb for the night yeah
the crooked thing i think what was weird
is like did you ever hit like one of
those crane shots in martha 2 and
yeah when you go on i was thinking about
that today do you remember when you
could get on the roof by going
yeah yeah you had to jump on the little
thing and then run along the seam of the
yeah and then like you put attack
insertion up there see if you died
yeah exactly yeah those those were the
[ __ ] and then but someone called the
predator missile and
you’re [ __ ] i swear i always got hit
by those yeah and then they’d kill your
attack insurgent because they can see it
you know how they have like red squares
that’s where mine was like a gold square
because they just always went for me
yeah i bet that’s what it was like okay
yeah uh oh actually on that note do you
remember scamming kids for prestige
that’s why i brought up the staff i
specifically remember
actually being in a scam lobby you were
scamming the kids and you told them
in a custom lobby dude listen i
appreciate you remember this
dude helipad get on helipad there’s like
four kids in our lobby and i was with
and you’re like dude get on helipad
everyone get a help i’ll get you 10
and you pull the rpg out and you aim and
kill everybody and then you left the
i remember doing that i remember uh i
so i would get you remember how i love
never gonna give you yeah you loved rick
astley dude you were such a fan of that
the [ __ ] rick rolled song i remember
i was you were
literally you loved that song i remember
so i’d get everyone and i take
everyone’s microsoft points just taking
it all
and then i would get uh i’d get him and
you remember the message to all friends
and recent players yeah yeah yeah i
remember i get the lobby to like almost
load and then i’d change my my tv input
blast the song through the mic for like
a minute so just say never gonna give
the whole song that i just unplugged my
xbox and then block them all
it’s [ __ ] because i took like [ __ ]
a hundred dollars for the
if we were smart we would have gotten
paypal because all we had to do was
spend it on [ __ ] indie games
yeah probably yeah yeah that was funny
have you ever
have you ever caught not caught
but like known like a friend
jerking it off jerking off yeah yeah
i’ve uh
like i’m not saying like obviously i’m
saying you’ve never been in the same
no no that’s good no no i’m saying have
you like
not red-handed but you’re like oh like
you knew yeah i’ve uh
i mean actually this is a good question
for you and me you and i have lived with
each other for like five years and i’ve
never caught you jerking it and you
haven’t caught me have you
no that’s strange because we’re
incognito yeah
do you go in the bathroom or do you do
it in your in your room i don’t do mine
really much
i don’t either you know what’s funny you
asked me one time dude have you done it
on the couch
why why you you did ask me that one time
you asked me dude have you ever jerked
off on the couch
i’m like why would i jerk off on the
couch sometimes like setting causes more
arousal not when you’re by yourself
yeah that’s like with someone else it’s
like okay what’s close to people if
someone walks in oh it’s scary
it’s scary not when you’re by yourself
yeah the uh
so are you a bathroom guy
sometimes depends well where is the
other times
outside on the roof i like to be on the
so people drive by they get a glimpse
yeah is that that’s not
public i mean because it’s you’re on
your property right so you can but no no
well but i’m saying if other people if
the public can see you it’s still
in decent exposure remember it’s you can
do it it’s just frowned upon like
masturbating on an airplane
yeah remember when we’re playing that
and trevor got the question it was uh it
was what porn do you like and you want
to answer them i also got all the
questions and then i was like [ __ ]
that’s the weirdest porn a hundred
percent 100 it’s [ __ ] up that we know
what that means to be honest
i knew what it meant in height like my
freshman year high school because ever
but it’s like it’s like here’s one
petite teen
in like [ __ ] 20 you know what’s crazy
i remembered like just i even like i see
the thumbnail
i’m like i feel so bad i feel this i’m
like wow that poor girl
geez yeah i feel like the guys got to be
volunteers like they’re not getting no
100 they’re volunteers
it’s very strange because like i
couldn’t imagine
i i don’t think i’ve ever actually
watched one no never
i i imagine like a lot of them are just
sitting there just
waiting for their turn and just like
[ __ ] dude
do you remember the omegle and um what’s
the other one
that we used to do chatterbait
i thought i found my first love on
twitter mate
but my microphone didn’t work on my
webcam when i couldn’t talk dude
those places are just dark holes man
every other one is a dude
like why who does that who’s yanking it
to some random like just [ __ ]
look up porn or something i just
bless you i actually remember like i
there’s one in gra
you know like when you leave a plasma
screen tv on too long and it kind of
ingrains the picture in the background
that’s what i remember because it was
like i think it was my first time going
on there it was a guy
like this like laying back then the
camera was just like
the crazy thing is like what does that
expect to see on the other one exactly
it’s like because you think there’s
going to be a girl the next slide like
hey baby and then she’s just like oh
and watch the ants come you put borax
and honey on a spoon and watch the ants
yeah uh no i don’t get that but some
people get off to like
[ __ ] like you know people like
here’s a story here’s a story someone i
know oh no
someone i know was looking for a sugar
and she told me that a guy hit her up
there’s like this app for sugar daddies
which that’s
that’s nine out of ten of them are
scammed yeah i don’t get it’s like hey
you know what i try to tell this person
is like hey no one just wants to give
out money
yeah no no reason you know what i mean
they always expect something in return
they might give you a little bit of
something here they’re going to expect
and nowadays it’s like you know all the
scam like it’s all
it’s all the same thing i’ve even gotten
messages like you want
do you want a sugar daddy do you want to
make 1500 a week in allowance i’m like
yeah i don’t get it my god but like
people okay so that this person
has found this sugar daddy and they
messaged her
and said hey like i like to be talked
down to
like i basically want you to like to be
degraded yeah no literally i want you to
treat me like [ __ ]
and i’ll even like move in and like
van that’s different to where she lived
next thing you know they’re chopping you
up and eating
yeah and said like you won’t even have
to acknowledge my existence i want you
to degrade me
and i’ll pay for all the bills see
that’s a little there’s this little
indian guy
and i was like i don’t know if i can do
that that’s a little weird
yeah yeah i don’t know about that what
what race do you think isn’t this into
the sexiest [ __ ] i mean i mean not the
i’d say white people because they’re
just [ __ ] weird
i don’t know yeah maybe but like white
is a generic thing there’s so many
different types of
there’s [ __ ] europeans are nuts yeah
europeans known for their sexually
aggressive men
yeah i’m saying yeah like europeans
like what is it about you like
i know paris just gets the [ __ ] wet
like obviously paris it’s the eiffel
tower croissants
the [ __ ] little cafes with the six
stools outside that you can read your
laptop on or whatever
yeah it’s like a glorified starbucks
yeah like it’s where the girls have
these little like
niche niches that the niches niches
[ __ ] niches pricks
no [ __ ] girls have these like ideas
where like they all just they all just
take each other’s ideas
it’s like i like i like macchiato
and then the next day oh i’m a huge
caramelizer yeah
day one sisters and it’s like like the
thing is i
no you’re all wearing boots in the fall
like i’m a creature of habit if i if i
don’t know i’m not i’m just ordering the
same [ __ ] thing anyway yeah
yeah but like girls are like reptiles
they i’m excited for this analogy
because i have no idea where it’s going
you know like i’m thinking more of like
an alligator or is that an amphibian
is that no it’s an alligator it’s a
reptile right
not an amphibian yes that’s a reptile
you know how that’s a reptilian
you know how the alligators have their
eyes right above the water just waiting
to pounce
that’s women they’re just waiting for
that sucker little
piece of [ __ ] boy they can bloodsuck on
please please elaborate just skip acro
i’m not talking about me
no i know i’m just saying they they just
the thing is is we’ve all known like a
hot girl who’s dated
someone wait okay here let me clarify
yeah it’s not
all it just became a very apparent thing
nowadays yes
you know what i mean yes this whole uh
the the
the the
this is unrelated what you know what
i’ve noticed
people who have kitchens with the pots
are hanging over the island
can cook yeah then [ __ ] can
if you have if i walk in your house
whether it’s your parents house whatever
and you have pots and pans like you know
the little things you have to get
hanging over the island
yeah you can cook yeah 100
or it’s like a decoration it’s either
they can’t cook because it’s all
decoration or
they’re not in the cabinets oh the
[ __ ] are
just grilling [ __ ] yeah i’ve never i’m
saying i’ve
there hasn’t been a ton and that’s the
reason i’ve walked into a handful
and every single one whether it’s a
friend’s house whatever it may be
cooked some means yeah that’s some mean
[ __ ] we talked about them you don’t put
your pots and pans on display unless
you’re [ __ ] raw in the oven yeah it’s
kind of like putting the stove i mean
it’s on this raw in the office
it’s like you’re raw on the stove it’s
like putting a samurai sword like above
your chair in the office and not being
able to yeah it’s
it’s like the um it’s like the one
doctor who has all his
achievements on the wall yeah he’s a
little cocky but you know he knows what
he’s doing exactly yeah what i mean uh
like if you had an office and you had to
put a weapon on the wall what would it
if i had an office well first of all if
i act
menacing if i had an office first of all
that company’s [ __ ] up because i’m
gonna run that [ __ ] but i will say
if i had to have a weapon which is a
weird thing to bring in the workplace
which i don’t think would be allowed
but i would say a blow dart gun with the
little feathers
i had one of those i remember yeah and i
shot my sister in the back of the head
with one and like
like the little syringes with the blue
with the little plastic tops
yeah i remember trying to put rubbing
alcohol on them because i thought it was
like poison you know
you know better to be hurt by someone
you know on
accident than someone you don’t know on
purpose very true it’s a fact
yeah i remember uh this is [ __ ] up but
i remember like hunting and i shot a
squirrel and it went through its neck
into the ground
and i just like ran right around in
circles yeah i was convulsing this
wrist rockets wrist rockets like it’s
it’s like a slingshot but it had that
had that thing that went so you could
wait because obviously you have a
slingshot you can only
you can only pull back as far as your
wrist would hold so it wouldn’t be as
hard but like the wrist rocket
had the little brackets around your
wrist so you could [ __ ] just pull it
all the way back
yeah what was the first animal you ever
you gotta remember the first animal i
ever killed was a bird
yeah same here with my red rider bb
that’s same
it was a blue jay it was on it blue jays
are dicks so it’s okay yeah
it was sitting on the telephone line but
here’s you know do you know how the
telephone lines there’s poles and then
there’s the
the horizontal wires holding it yeah it
was sitting on horizontal wire it was
really close
i was shooting another one i missed i’m
like and i looked over my
and i just obliterate the puff of
feathers obliterated it
mine took like six shots of hitting okay
here this is [ __ ] up
yeah i’m not proud of this okay
this actually try to eat no and this is
[ __ ] up but here listen at this point
i’m a little kid
yeah you know i want to kill something
and then you can you feel guilty
so i and this was a pump bb on like the
you have to look oh yeah
you had to pump it the pelican yeah it
was a pellet gun and i shot it
it [ __ ] fell and but obviously i had
to like
get the bb reload whatever so it’s
sitting there on the ground it’s trying
to like run away on its feet
and it was a snow day it was a snow day
that’s why i was home
this is the actual fact so everyone
don’t just migrate a drink
don’t not all birds do that
are you every bird migrates in this
so in the winter i should never see a
bird okay anyways don’t listen to him
so this is [ __ ] up yeah i felt bad
after i did it
but in the moment i was just
bloodthirsty i guess
so i [ __ ] i shoot it it’s on the
ground and it like it gets on its feet i
must have hit it like in the wing so it
starts running away on its feet
it’s like it’s like running away and i
could because
the pump like i had like hit the button
up and then like shake the bb out yeah
and then put it in
but i have time for that because it’s
running away so i [ __ ] sprinted at it
with the butt of my gun
that was [ __ ] up i’m admitting it now
i apologize publicly
i was a little kid i just wanted to kill
something and i said
you i
and i golfed it with my handle with my
gun and i i killed it did you kill it
yeah and i i cried after i felt terrible
you know how you said you were like
bloodthirsty in the moment have you ever
just been doing some sexual [ __ ] like
getting into it yeah
yeah and then like later on you’re like
what the [ __ ] was going on
what took over me yeah what was that
instinct yeah i know exactly
it’s like the human instinct comes out
yeah like have you ever like yeah
and we’ve said it a hundred times before
we’re gonna say it again like lil wayne
as soon as i come i come to my senses
yeah yeah i’ve that’s definitely
or like yeah that’s like you’re like
in in your mind all these things going
like oh my god
oh my god and then like the next thing
you know you’re done
and you’re like getting some water like
dude what the [ __ ] is wrong with me i
know the only thing going through it is
god i hope she doesn’t tell her friends
well i wasn’t saying like i did that no
i feel like you have an interesting
story i don’t at
like what’s that thing it’s like um this
dude was like
like i think with sam morel had like a
bit and he was like my friend was like
before you go on that date you should
jerk off so then you last longer like
right before it’s like but if you jerk
off you’re not going to want to go on
that you’re not going on that date yeah
you’re not going to want to go
which is interesting because i mean men
are so primal
we just yeah we just want to [ __ ]
yeah yeah yeah and then if you like if
you jack off before a date it’s just
like yeah
i’ll take a nap but then like what you
really want to do
comes in your mind like there’s i’m like
i just actually i’m gonna text my boy
back and say hey i’m going to be on i’m
going to be online tonight
i’m going to play i’m down to play some
games so yeah i go watch that movie by
yourself like it’s like
oh sorry guys i can’t hang out tonight
i’m going on a date and it’s like hey
actually i’m not going that good i’m not
going out guys
yeah he beat one off yeah have you
actually tried that have you tried
jacking off for a date i used to do that
all the time
i still went on the date actually there
was a number of times i never did
but there was a couple times i did
because it was like it was someone was
like wow
i actually believe it or not think
you’re the one who told me to do that
probably i probably did probably just
said you’re like you you last longer if
you know you go
but it was more or less the fact of the
matter was
if you do that let’s be honest in
everyone’s livelihood they’ve gone on
dates they’ve been with people that’s
i’m not like completely into them but
i’m down just because it’s like
it’s kind of fun to be able to do yeah
especially when you’re high like because
it’s exciting you know it’s like okay
well i’m still
going on a date with someone so it’s
like it’s kind of cool like
because when you do that it kind of
filters out the real like
okay i’m actually wanting to be with
this guy like you know what i mean it
filters that out because then
the sex is gone we should go on too hot
to handle probably should
the i think that for those of you who’ve
seen that who haven’t seen the show
yeah they’re all tick-tock people it
looks like
yeah it looks awful they basically
they go on an island and then they all
do anything and then but they do i’m
saying but they get penalized when they
do yeah so there’s like 100 g’s and they
lose money every time one gets like
what was the one we just watched and
then the finale whoever won got 55 it
was originally 100 but they did yeah
they all were [ __ ] each other it’s
like if it’s for like 100 g’s
i will not [ __ ] for a month but the
thing is with your when you’re with 12
or 13 people it’s like
well they’re gonna [ __ ] up so yeah might
as well might as [ __ ] work
the worst part was this one dude this
the the [ __ ] tick tock
dick he uh he
said he told his boys and he was like
hey like this is an investment on your
i need to go jack off because jack off
is also gonna advise analyze
good advice it yeah it’s penalized what
if you run off the resort and jerk off
wilderness oh i mean it’s on an island
so you have to go exactly
salty you ever gotten anything inside
your penis well jacking off like shampoo
or something
yeah yeah it was definitely in my early
years early years earlier
yeah have you ever like not
inside but i’m saying have you like have
you ever heard that like have you ever
heard the
thing about oh if you get icy hot next
to like a blood vessel like your armpits
or something hurts like a [ __ ]
dude it does it does i actually had icy
hot on this weekend
it wasn’t bad what has to leak down into
like i’m saying if you had it in like a
sensitive area
or like my dad was in the shower one
time we lived a dark hollow
like that humor in the house and i was
like asleep it’s like 6 a.m and my dad
had put icy hot
on like his his neck and his chest
because he had some sore muscles or
something like that
and so like it was right before i took a
shower and it leaked down
and it’s like six hands
and it like leaked down onto his [ __ ]
wiener and balls apparently because he
told the story later i am
yeah i remember like putting icy hot in
this kid’s cup because he had an audi
belly button
and why no
it was like it was literally we’re all
like you know 10 and then this kid took
his shirt off in an audi belly button
and we’re like
ha ha you pieces no we didn’t know what
it was we’re like it’s an alien or
that’s [ __ ] up and so then like he was
the catcher and we took his cup and just
[ __ ] just
doused it with ice what what’s the most
roasted you’ve ever been
like as like whether it’s embarrassed in
front of a bunch of people or like
bears um like someone said like someone
was the root of it like someone like
it’s probably you i would think me you
roast me more than anyone
not in a serious facetious way it would
have to be like uh
um it’s a good that’s a good question
the most embarrassing moment
like it’s not most embarrassing like
you’ve done like oh i peed my pants like
it’s like someone else kind of like
pointed something out that was
embarrassing and you’re like wow i just
got [ __ ]
krispy kreme yeah yeah i do i
think i
i remember one um it was uh
uh we went to state my senior year for
baseball and we were getting uh
haircuts and i let cody and
someone that’s when you did the geology
teacher haircut well it was
i didn’t choose the haircut let me just
say that by the way
i said they could do whatever they
wanted oh yeah so
and they did the science teacher [ __ ]
they [ __ ]
like hey can you we need i have the
picture somewhere on my phone we’re
going to post that on atl
yeah so we’re gonna post it everyone who
doesn’t know
it’s so [ __ ] funny and we’re gonna
say yeah it’s like you know those monks
have little circles
yeah but you had like just the sideburns
yeah but if i put a hat on it like
yeah and then you need to have like
wasn’t it yes you know it’s funny
because i remember because when you guys
were playing the state championship game
we were
after you so we were in the stands like
watching because it was like the last
and you guys are playing and you’re
sitting in the dugout with your hat with
your head and they’re like dude who the
[ __ ] is that
like what is that [ __ ] haircut i’m
like oh my god that’s [ __ ] jack
because i was the team after you
yeah i remember that i remember you were
there yeah yeah my senior year the um
no what was funny well actually what was
[ __ ] up is i remember
like being a g going to because you
weren’t allowed to wear hats in the
and i went to like mrs rick or [ __ ]
mr booker or mrs bookendogan
or okay they all [ __ ] weird names um
and being like hey i got this
embarrassing haircut can i wear like
this beanie because i’m like i’m not
and they said no they’re like no you’re
going to be embarrassed for yourself
and it was like if this was some [ __ ]
shy girl you would have let her yeah
oh yeah they would have let him yeah do
you remember like the three finger
rule for like skirts and [ __ ] yeah and i
was like come on i want to see it
well the thing is
the thing is that’s not even that like
high yeah
i’m saying even like i went to i’m
saying i graduated from public so i’m
even what like it still wasn’t that high
it was like you know it wasn’t even that
bad fingers above the knee that’s
like that’s barely anything that’s not
even my swim shorts yeah i’m seeing my
swim shorts are higher than that yeah
it’s very strange come on yeah
what was like a style you hated the most
that you wore
like you know what’s funny you had a
similar style i just did more supras i
i wore the purple high top i wore purple
nike high tops and here’s the thing
i tucked the jeans into the
into the shoes yeah god what the [ __ ]
but you did too but you had supras yeah
those are higher than wayne moore those
hi that’s my [ __ ]
yeah you’d always call me barney i
remember that
because they were so perfect justin
bieber had him man that was dripping
do yeah he did it was a big thing and i
had i remember i wear like purple hi
i wore like i remember i would have like
cycle of like there are a couple polo
tees but there’s also some long
long ones i’d roll up like plaid and
then i’d wear the
like this one i had this plaid long
sleeve black and white plaid
and then roll it up above my elbows and
then i wear the purple
high tops tucked in with like the black
jeans talking to you
and i’m like dude this i’m like i’m
[ __ ] dripping right now
i remember my my parents just thought
that i like had school spirit
and i was like because they’re like oh
you want purple shoes oh yeah school
prides yeah
yeah i was because that was our school
colors i was like no it was because
[ __ ] jb board this and he’s getting
all the [ __ ] i just not rocketed
oh i remember we were talking this
weekend about uh
like um arrests and i know i’ve been
citizen arrested
but have you ever been never been
arrested known for anything
i’ve been like what’s it um what’s it
called in a custody
until it like when i was slapped on the
hood but other than that no
no yeah have you ever been to like court
or anything no
no no do you know what’s nuts is
remember like back in the day you’d get
i choose trial by combat and it was like
you could just
[ __ ] fight your way out yeah i was
like yeah i murdered this village but
i’m a better fighter than dude the crazy
thing is it’s like
oh you get a [ __ ] you got the flu you’re
dead oh you got shot here’s a bottle of
whiskey good luck
thank you i would if this was old in
times i would have been dead
a year is the ancient times if we were
an old if we were like in like
i would have been dead a year ago i
would already died i think the lifespan
was like 30 right
jordan’s almost dead i’m saying on
average when i’m saying you could live
longer but it’s like if you get really
if you get wounded really bad you’re
gonna you’re gonna die yeah
yeah the uh what i wanna know is like
like say there wasn’t alcohol how
advanced would we be right now we’d have
flying cars and [ __ ]
that is not how that works i mean if
there wasn’t
alcohol we would no i mean the whole
world’s been [ __ ] up for like
since the dawn of time dude that is not
that’s not true
it’s more like if we if we all lived in
harmony when there’s never any wars and
we’re all pulling our resources together
we’re actually we don’t have religion
yeah all wars are based on [ __ ]
religion most of the time
i mean if you’re talking about old
battles like crusaders and [ __ ]
crusaders crusaders crusaders what was
what school was the cr
st mary’s yeah samurai sucked at sports
um like we’re good at track the thing is
they yeah they did suck towards but i’m
saying when i was like in middle school
they were good
well i mean middle school you just have
to have one kid i’m saying when i was in
middle school watching like their high
school team was really [ __ ] good
remember that one kid in like middle
school who just peeked before everyone
else and then yeah just stayed the same
oh my god i even i know a couple
i remember even in little league there
was this kid
garrett ulner and he was on the yankees
and he was a [ __ ] beat well first of
it’s one of those i’m 13 but i’m league
age 12
when that was a thing so he was saying
he was a man child
he just [ __ ] rape but then they stay
the same size
for like ever and then you end up being
bigger than them like five years yeah
but i’m saying like but in
when they because he peaked so fast i’m
saying there was actually a handful of
that were [ __ ] huge like in little
league i’m like oh my god this isn’t
like [ __ ] 20 homers
there was a kid named ben i remember
like he hit a home run
and then he went back up and switched it
and hit a home run and we’re just like
oh and then i saw him like
10 years later i don’t remember where
dude you’re a loser no but he was still
five six yeah but like at the time he
was some people he like towered over all
of us and it was like
looking down at him i’m just like yeah
it’s just some people like some people
age faster like i
some people are in my grade like had
beards freshman year in high school yeah
sophomore year high school had beards
i’d have a beard until a year ago
isn’t that like from like uh formula
babies right
like i don’t know like if they drink
like formulas
i think it’s genetics i thought it was
formula it’s genetics mostly
it’s like the government isn’t putting
let’s see
they put lead in gerber food and smashed
peas i’ve also heard they put
there there’s a there’s fluoride in the
probably actually that is a fact but it
is known
it’s to help our teefers yeah and then
to kill our bodies
yes that is how it is why
you know what i love is i like okay do
you like joining the rock johnson dwayne
the jock ronson dwayne the jock ronson
i like how he was a shitty wwe actor and
then just became a shitty actor
but he’s gotten better over time well
the thing is i think he’s good what was
was that the bridge determined no it was
that was not him that was [ __ ] nice
what was the movie where they were like
on a board game
jumanji no zethunda okay zathura
it was not the rock it wasn’t the rock
that was not the [ __ ]
and it had like the godzilla looking guy
it was not the rock
oh but they had the godzilla creatures
that came on this yeah
that was not the rock i forgot his name
but he’s married to kristen bell
do you think kristen stewart was hot i
never did i never thought she was bad
i just thought like it’s not a reason
for you remember how big
the twilight saga was big all the girls
are wearing twilight i remember mallory
mallory had a had a shirt that was like
jacob yeah yeah i remember her carrying
that around and we’re like
and then we look at another girl who is
your team oh
and then all the guys i’m team edward in
team edwards
no no she was team edwards who’s team
edward i thought she’s team jacob
because her husband’s name is jacob
yeah yeah she did she actually uh
she used to keep her horse at my house
actually there’s a funny story
um she did yeah so she had her horse at
my house and she would come
by every morning borax and honey on the
spoon watch this come
and she would come by and feed it and i
remember one time
yeah like i never like like she was like
older than me and like
i was still in like a year age like i
was like
13 14 or something yeah she was in high
school you’re an eighth grader yeah so i
was like i’m not i can’t talk to this
girl but
like it was like that awkward stage you
know so i was like you know what i’m
gonna do it i’m gonna talk to her
and so i remember um this is jacob’s
wife yeah yeah
um dude it was like i’m like 13. okay
jacob i went to wife with her i
went to wife i went to prom with her
yeah um
so uh i remember like my parents used to
like literally spank me over feeding the
chickens or whatever because i’d never
do it i never felt like did you ever
okay i’m not gonna say torture chickens
but did you ever i tried to kill them
all once and i’ll get to that
what the [ __ ] yeah i like how you’re
giving me [ __ ] for killing a bird and
you try to kill all your
those chickens ruined my [ __ ] life
anyways uh so
you poison them yeah well i tried i want
to know
okay well i gotta finish the first story
okay fine i want to know so
[ __ ] my it was funny because my
parents you’re the serial killer my
parents caught me doing this because i
would never
fill the chicken’s water and i just get
grounded over it just [ __ ]
everything over this right and so then i
was like oh she goes into the barn to
get hay
i’ll conveniently go fill up the
chicken’s water and then we’re chatting
so i remember going in there i think it
was on like christmas morning or
i was also home field advantage yeah a
whole field advantage and
you know it was christmas i was like oh
yeah i’m gonna do odds were in your
yeah uh conversation i don’t know what
the [ __ ] we talked about
but i was probably just like hi do you
have a bb gun
you want to see my airstrike broke a psp
no i just remember like i went in and
like just probably by the way
psp was ahead of their time i’m not
kidding you
psps are just as good as switches if not
better better
better better all like all the options
you could do the little discs
yeah dude ahead of their time yeah the
anyways to finish the story my [ __ ]
parents see me go out there and like
change the water like on my own even
though like i refuse to do it
and then they’re like oh and jack’s
going out there and like say hi
you’re like 14 who cares 13. oh they i
think they cared but
uh [ __ ] murdering the chickens yes
i hate so you did murder the chickens no
i tried i hate you how do you try to
murder chickens
explain explain uh what the voice is
the power of the stones uh i remember
like i kept getting grounded for them
because like their water things would be
green the food wasn’t arranged properly
they’re chickens they don’t give a [ __ ]
oh my mom treated them like they were
her own [ __ ] kids
yeah i mean if if it was her way i mean
i would have been in the coop and they
would have been in my room chopped the
tops off the groups
yeah she [ __ ] loved those things and
so i remember just like i was i had
enough i was like these chickens gotta
go it’s me or the chickens
so i like sacrifice yeah
i’m going through like the garage trying
to find like rat poison or something
jesus christ you’re this [ __ ] serial
killer i found like snail poison
or whatever it’s a nail polish i have
it’s salt that’s what and why would
poison snails it was like snails and
other insects or something i don’t
remember it but i remember there’s no
way there was there’s not snail poison
that the box kind of looked like their
like the pebbles inside so then my mom’s
like go feed the chickens i’m like