J and Z have a very special guest, our friend Trevor. Trevor goes into full detail about wanted posters in Hawaii, fishing, and a “happy ending” he got at a massage place in Washington. Follow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/aroundthelunchtable/?hl=en
welcome back slapdex this is around the
lunch table episode
27. it’s 26.
26. i actually don’t know wait [ __ ] we
don’t know it’s 26 or 27
but uh it’s one of the two but welcome
back everybody
we have a very very very very special
guest very close to our heart but first
and foremost i wanted to thank our
sponsor aperture oceans bringing ideas
and ads to life
yes shout out to jordan obaya ohio state
for everything he’s done for this
podcast and everything he’s actually
he’s actually our cameraman tonight he
is our cameraman and he’s standing right
over there
he smells good and he’s a little drunky
and that’s how we like it so he had to
press a whole one button to be our
cameraman yeah he’s gonna be our beer
guys yes he did so without further ado
we would like to introduce
the man the myth the myth oh [ __ ]
the legend trevor cartwright
house we got trouble let’s get ourselves
with trevor
uh trevor has we’ve known him for a few
years yeah we’ve known him about the
same time for a while
he just hasn’t been on the podcast yet
yeah he’s been uh as sexy as long as
i’ve known him
uh he’s a good looking guy always been
handsome god every time he comes over
i’m like god i wish she looked like him
but you know i agree yeah uh we do have
trevor
uh cartwright cartwright carhart
whatever you want to call him he is here
and he’s live and he’s well
we’re in the astros and i [ __ ] love
it anyways uh
but yeah uh first thing before we start
in anything
if you noticed a little bet for those of
you watching a little backdrop behind me
summer
2021 we have the atlt beach towel
and the atlt hashtag jnz summer
collection is now out on the
on the store at atltvststore.com if
those you didn’t know from last time
it’s there
you know go buy something for the
summertime go buy something for the
barbecue go buy something for the lake
get it for your aunt your uncle your
niece your cousin everything you can do
there’s some good there’s some good
clothes there that i’m even gonna buy so
i’m not just leading me on because it’s
shitty products it’s actually good
we all want it we got bucket heads tank
tops vibrators
dildos yes butt plugs yeah nine nerds if
your girl wants to see james
his face on a butt plug done anyways um
but anyways we do have trevor here so we
are gonna i guess roll the carpet out as
a welcome
to an atlt alumni so trevor
how are you doing and tell us about your
recent trip
you took to hawaii because i saw your
stories and it looked [ __ ] fantastic
they look sexy
thank you thank you guys you both are
handsome as per usual
um hawaii was
hawaii was a uh um an amazing trip i
i caught me a marlin i’m i don’t fish
very i caught me
why’s this wrong you have to give him a
senior speech
you have to say that because he caught
me a moral i’ve heard it from some movie
i’m sure someone wouldn’t know finding
nemo his name was marlon right yeah it
was
but they didn’t say like marvin they
didn’t say actually
who was in marlin she’s starving
marvin’s hiding under the tire she got
she got murdered by the barracuda but
anyways keep going buddy
so marlon’s pretty big fish like 120
pounds in a uh
pretty rough but when so
me and my dad were on there with four
other random people and there was two
women and
i don’t think anyone on that boat has
ever been fishing before like even let
alone deep sea fishing
yeah no and it’s it’s pretty rough out
there i i got pretty sick but
they let you drink on the boat did you
raise the colors
no was it a pirate flag no it was it was
a
picture of a marlin actually oh wow it
worked out
so what what part of hawaii were you in
kona the the big island
so so it took like 30 minutes to reel
the little [ __ ] and big [ __ ]
whatever you want to call it and
i remember as we were bringing it in
this girl was kind of like
she was getting all excited behind me
and she was like screaming she’s like
and she she was bringing or like so as
soon as i brought up to the boat
they they get their they get their
hammering stick out to [ __ ]
to knock it out yeah we’ll kill the fish
and she was like
she’s like i thought you guys were gonna
let it go and the guy just the the
captain of the ship just like looked at
her and he was like like no [ __ ] we got
hammers out what do you think we’re
gonna do
what do you think and so he brings it up
to the side of the boat and you just
hear what
what when he hits it like six times and
it like gets off
and it’s like swims away so this thing’s
concussed and [ __ ]
and it’s like that scene in an avengers
end game when thanos is making breakfast
and all the defenders breaking
start beating the [ __ ] out of them sorry
and
so i had to reel it back in again by
that time i was i was pretty done
fishing like i was like i don’t
i don’t even care if it gets away like
good he wins right
and so i bring it back in again and
the guy hits it again and the girls
behind me starts screaming she’s like ah
she’s screaming you’re like what do you
think we’re going to do the first thing
we work for peter
this is she’s like what do you think
we’re going to [ __ ] sing in songs or
something when we get brought it in the
boat and see shanties he killed it and
it’s bleeding all over the boat and she
just like goes down
in the [ __ ] poop deck or whatever you
call it okay wait is the poop deck
is it the rear of the boat because
that’d be funny if it’s no poop there’s
this poop
underneath this boat there’s literally
like there’s a [ __ ] down there like
that’s where you poop
i thought the poop deck was like in the
olden times
the main part of the deck where all the
grunts were at doing the rope work
and there was you know you would you
would know better probably than i
have okay this is my theory my theory
was the poop deck was
the deck in which because obviously on a
boat in olden times
you [ __ ] into the ocean as you’re going
but then that would be on the lowest
deck
why would you just stand on the plank
and just squat because everyone would
see you
dropping a load wait that’s not the
right load but everyone would see you on
the poop deck doing it okay anyways
i’m just i i thought that’s what it was
but
anyways i mean the story is really not
that fascinating besides the woman who
kind of made the whole trip
because she apparently signed up for the
wrong fishing trip so what was the girl
to guy race year so there was two girls
there was two girls four guys
and then the two crew members well one
of them kind of was but she wasn’t the
one who’s screaming
so did you call did you like comfort her
like
no her husband was there everyone oh
i was killed yeah the words have you
have you guys ever had marlon
i don’t really like seafood in marlin
i was like i caught the [ __ ] thing so
i have to try it right so the guy the
guy chops it up on the boat fillets it
with like 40 fillets of mars martin
lungs
it’s a white fish those are the girl
cats you could have
and uh so he flays it up and puts it in
like plastic baggies and gives it to
everyone and i was like well i have to
try it and
but i don’t like seafood it smells like
taint and
honestly that’s an interesting thing you
bring up because
i mean i like seafood but like i don’t
love it but i’m saying when we went i
went to hawaii when i was
very young and my dad caught like a tuna
and that tuna fresh out the sea was
[ __ ] amazing but i hate tuna i don’t
like it well
my chicken of the sea cans aren’t really
like no i’m saying
in general i’m saying sushi or whatever
but like when i had it then
i was like wow wow i was like wow
we were fishing for tuna and that’s like
bluefin
yeah did you uh i heard you got into
some uh
ridiculous acts yeah some something
somewhat called debaucherous
oh yeah yes so i wanted to hear that
story so
more than the fish i wanted to hear what
happened to you that you did wrong so we
started out you know pg and now we’re
going to go to rated r
well not yeah
you’re the artist um so on this trip
we’re
we there were 17 of us and we stayed in
these condominiums
or like you know a lot of white people
touristy people yeah they you can like
buy a condo there and live there
like so all these condom all these
trojans
all these condos they uh it’s like a
neighborhood of just
super [ __ ] nice places and there’s
four
this actually doesn’t even relate to
this
[Laughter]
um but we stayed in these condos and
there’s this pool and there’s a bar
and that’s where you’d go when you
weren’t doing [ __ ] for the day so the
first
our first day there uh everything went
fine
like i went to the pool bar checked it
out had a couple of my ties which were
amazing and nice
i bet you that was good yeah and so the
the second day
we were supposed to go to the beach but
i got i woke up so you go back in time
right so i woke up like six in the
morning when it would normally be like
nine here right yeah i get that you know
i was like holy [ __ ] the sun’s out
time to start drinking right sun’s out
guns out and i started drinking
we we had some like rum in the room and
i
i pre-gamed the the pool at six in the
morning
nice and uh so we get there and uh
i’m just drinking my you’re in the sun
all day drinking my ties drinking my
ties and
i i blacked out which i
only a few people i think know can never
say they’ve ever seen me so [ __ ] gone
before
really i did that on the second day at
the pool bar that’s nice
and i guess i had told several people i
didn’t know that i eat ass
like random people you didn’t know but
well i didn’t know about it and
they see the next day hey this guy this
guy this guy eats
my wife wants you
you’re do you yes i do
but that that’s my i have family there
and [ __ ] like there’s people
i’m friends with and so i i got kicked
out that night but
like it wasn’t a big deal it was like a
friendly like you should probably leave
we’re not serving you anymore
like you’re belligerent but that’s
yeah i got kicked out in a good way yeah
so yeah
positive vibes i show up at the pool
then
the next day and
this one this woman i’ve never seen in
my [ __ ]
life just comes up and she’s like she’s
like
she’s like you’re the you’re the ass
eating guy he’s like goddammit i’ve been
here for two days we’re here for a week
your mom’s right next to you well just
my mom just kind of like shook her head
she was like whatever she was like yeah
he does but i’m not going to admit it
yeah
he’s just like his father
i didn’t ask i didn’t ask my mom i
didn’t ask
and so i i the girl actually
convinced me that there was a wanted
poster for me
i was like
he’s like guy who eats ass biggest ass
eater on kona island
and what’s funny about this whole story
is i
had just met this girl and i was like oh
i’m so sorry i didn’t mean to be
you know belligerent and [ __ ] and
she’s like no it’s hilarious and i was
like
so where are you from she’s like sumner
i was like no [ __ ] way
no in kona hawaii i run into
she works at aversanos no she’s great
pasta there
great possibility okay before we
continue this is just on the same
thing we went to vegas and i met a girl
that was from kent
washington which is right there which is
kind of crazy but anyways anyways keep
going
and so that happens
in then
everything’s fine like i apologize to
the whole group
and one of them’s like a grandma and she
was loving it
she was like i want my cakes eight yeah
i was like maybe
these cakes haven’t been eaten in 20
years if i was blacked out you never
know like it could happen
i feel that because i went through the
same thing last weekend
and so we’ll fast forward through
the golf and all the other activities we
did and i go back on one of the last
days and one of the moms
comes up i have her son’s
phone number because she was belligerent
that day and she was like you’re the guy
who eats ass
and she came up different person still
from the area
and she was [ __ ] hammered and she and
i was like yeah [ __ ] so she gave me
her son’s phone number no no he’s sorry
my my
son my husband and i decided on a hall
pass and i wanted to be you yeah
this woman comes up and she points at me
i’m at the bar i’m sober at this point
and i’m like i’m tired of being like i
made a name for myself in this [ __ ]
condo
not a good way yeah i know and i’ve been
kicked out
for being an idiot so she comes up and
talks to me and she’s like so you’d ask
and i was like yeah is that weird for
people your age and then
she was like 40 or 50. if anything it’s
more popular now than it was
back then yeah no but and she
but did you eat her ass no i i wanted to
um but her son comes up and he she’s
he’s like mom what are you doing she’s
like i’m just talking [ __ ] trevor and
she’s like kind of slurring her words
and i was like
i was a nice eater this side of
mississippi and this guy’s skinny so i’m
not like scared of him
yeah like i’ll talk to your mom however
i want to
but then you do that too you walk up to
someone and you give you know how
humans when they see someone they
imprint whether you know you want a
[ __ ] marina
you you you know everything you know
about him wait within a few seconds
he walking those people and like you
changed the way you would say [ __ ] cuz
like i could definitely beat this guy’s
ass
yeah so like i could be a little more
you ever done that oh obviously you did
obviously you didn’t
did you look him in the eyes just say
i’m gonna eat your mom’s ass no i just
kind of i was just like well i’m not
calling you’re gonna call me dad by the
time i leave
i was like hey she came and talked to me
okay guy
yeah i’m a [ __ ] i’m so was this was
this lady of milf
yeah yeah like in what age rate was this
like the 38 to 45.
her son’s probably i have his number
but i’m gonna ask him you text me but
how old are you how’s your mom
like um but i’d say she’s like between
45 50 like oh and she was good looking
wow she had her hawaii bot on dude she
was yeah she paired with the pants
she definitely prepared she was in the
right place to be yeah because i
certainly didn’t i
i was wearing two small shorts i
probably wasn’t wearing a shirt
no i had a reputation i think it was
great
um but uh so after he comes up and
he’s just like sorry my mom’s drunk and
i was like yeah i know
yeah go the [ __ ] away yeah
then go away i’m trying to close on your
[ __ ] mom man then her [ __ ] husband
comes over oh
no and she’s like i want to watch it he
was like he’s like
you look like a watcher it’s like what
are you doing and then she’s like oh i’m
just talking to
trevor and obviously he knows what’s
going on
and you probably didn’t see that point
we’re coming because she’s like if
she’s talking to you you wouldn’t think
her husband’s close by she came to the
[ __ ] sea i was
there’s a whole [ __ ] bar to sit at
exactly who sat next to me
it’s her fault not yours yeah
dude she wanted her booty hole playing
with it in fact yeah that’s probably why
she brought up that was that that was
the conversation started why
what other reason would she have to
bring it up well that’s whatever
that’s oh you’re the ass eating guy let
me sit next to you but i don’t like my
ass eating
yeah like i think she was kidding it was
outlandish but i want to talk to you
she was curious here’s my hotel card i’m
free between seven and nine
yeah interesting i would have just gave
her the code but
but he comes up and then she was like i
was talking to trevor and i was like hey
listen
like i don’t want any trouble but like i
was just sitting here waiting for my mai
tai
i don’t wanna came up here i’ll fight
you to the death threat yeah but i’m
trying to get your wife’s ass
but this guy had the audacity to be like
yeah you better not
and i was like okay guy like please
[ __ ] say anything to your
[ __ ] wife i was just i’m sober okay
i’m sorry if i hit on your wife the
other day but that’s excused
and so it was a that was a completely
outlandish event that won’t happen again
it was her fault she came up to you
yeah right but i don’t know what i did
the first maybe i maybe i smacked her on
the
i don’t i’ve noticed i hope so i’m not
known to do that i’m not i’m not that
kind of person you do it to me
but it’s different okay okay but
uh yeah i i got myself into a pickle but
the second time i got carried away there
on the ass eating story
so i noticed on this show what you’re
passionate about and that’s
that’s what it is if it’s that we’re all
for it i want to hear it trevor we’re
all we’re all supporting
so um the the
one of the last days were there there’s
no music like there’s music at the bar
but you can’t hear the pool is pretty
big there’s like three
like levels of pool so it’s way bigger
ogres come in ladies
okay
and we’re at the very bottom by the
beach
[Laughter]
sorry sorry sorry we’re on the onions
thing and this pool is called wahiwahi
waikaloa okay
[Laughter]
is
get your [ __ ] together jack just cause
you’re handsome doesn’t mean you can do
whatever you want
and he will be eating my ass tonight
we’ll cut that out
so we’re on the the the bottom layer and
i decided to bring my own speaker
because i’m like
there’s no music out there i’m gonna be
there for eight hours you got a boom box
like right now
well it was pretty it was like it was
like one of those like big pill
it was like the beat pills basically
yeah you can basically like you guys
have an outlet i can plug this into
yeah it’s underwater shocker no it’s a
it’s a bluetooth one
and i i go and i’m playing it like
you know enough for my group to hear it
but not like they can’t hear it up at
the bar
and this hawaiian employee walks by and
she like hears it and i’m in the pool
and i’m looking over it’s like oh [ __ ]
she hears it
and she looks at me and she’s like you
guys need to turn this music off and i
was i just
my drunk self was like why and then
and then she was like you can’t have
music here and no but i was like yeah
why
and then she looked at me she was like
she’s like because
we [ __ ] said no she didn’t say
[ __ ] but she like gave me the look
she was like really questioning me right
now because i can kick you out of here
and
it wouldn’t be the first time but but uh
you’ve not seen the wanted posters
yeah so those posters i haven’t found
yet but they’re they’re here somewhere
i
their manager ended up telling me that
is because if you’re playing music other
people don’t
want to hear then you know it’s a
problem
and then so i asked everyone around me
everyone wants to hear [ __ ] mariachi
music
well what is it what’s it called luau
music that’s it thank you
it wasn’t even actually we just heard
kids laughing and no one wants to hear
that
so yeah get the kids out of here i hate
those like resorts where it’s like
kids are allowed it’s like i’m trying to
like that’s what i said
i’m in the deep end of the pool trying
to like you know
fondle my girlfriend here and i got
[ __ ] literally
and we’re all drunk and we have this
[ __ ] eight-year-old here in a [ __ ]
high high c over here and he’s like dude
just
go away there should be a sec a separate
section yeah like
friendly family friendly and then it’s
like we know you’re here to party and
let loose
so let loose yeah you guys are preaching
to the wrong choir i’m the ass eating
guy at this resort
but acquired nonetheless and so uh
it’s a good time after they say that i i
i’m a smart ass and i ask everyone
around us i’m like
do you guys like this music and they’re
all like yeah
and then i was like so i’m playing
bangers like back to you know i tried
to bumper bangers i feel the need to ask
you and
in my inner soul i feel like you have a
story
and so i’m going to ask you have you
ever
um been with a woman right
no okay sorry oh you weren’t finished
you’ve been with a woman
and there was some insane story whether
it’s like oh the boyfriend came over she
had a boyfriend he didn’t know it
yeah and there was a altercation that
happened at some point
yeah i got my jaw broken no [ __ ]
yeah okay perfe by the way i had no idea
i just i just felt the need to ask and i
then i give you a compliment z has an
intuition about things
he can read people but also he knows the
vibe when it’s like
you you knew that was he was gonna say
yes you knew i did
he did i had a feeling i had a feeling i
didn’t know i had a feeling
and i’m so glad that i asked because if
you’re comfortable telling the story i
would love to know it
this one’s not gonna be as funny but
it’s dark i got
a well i gotta go okay give it the face
give us the cliff notes cliff notes not
the whole version just give it yeah
yeah uh so you’re obviously up to some
delinquent [ __ ] it was my sophomore year
at wazoo shout out wazoo zazu from lion
king
the bird no washington i know what it is
it’s like someone’s sneezing
[Laughter]
cliff notes yeah so you go in there you
do your business what happens cliff
notes okay
um so i i was
like 19 20 years old oh so you’re okay
well that explains
of course this girl came over that
recently broke up with a guy i knew we
were friends
we’re friends risky business um
and wait how good of friends like you
see
you see each other at a party every
other weekend or like you hang out all
the time just you and him
no it was like a it was like we see each
other and
sometimes we’d play mario kart so it’s
kind of a bond
risky business it’s not like a me and z
yeah it’s
like really close no it’s like a me and
caleb
or like a z and k you like you see each
other it was like a friendship at
wazoo’s like this guy’s always down to
get drunk it doesn’t matter what day of
the week it was so like
maybe maybe on your pork and your
girlfriend i’d have
okay i’m just kidding it’s his ex at
this point [ __ ] happens
you know i i expected a black guy out of
the situation
it was a broken jaw so it’s a win-win
yeah i was wired shut for five weeks if
anyone listening wants to lose 18 pounds
get your jaw wired shut you can’t eat i
want to lose 18 pounds
and then they will protect i do it’s
easy
you gotta get your [ __ ] [ __ ] someone
just has to spartan punch you in the
face as hard as they can
okay so explain to us oh uh
so the squirrel name blank comes over
smart man um and
maybe i was just drunk i had a 40 of
malt lickers like mickey’s
you’re not drunk and this was years ago
so it’s it’s a safe environment to talk
about
how old are you now i’m 25. yeah okay
this is the six years ago
yeah yeah and we’re at the ass eating
trevor not the other guy
it’s it’s thursday night and we we were
we would have like tequila thursdays on
you know all about
[ __ ] tequila i don’t want to talk
about that she knows about this
thursday night this girl lindsay comes
over and i’ve known her
for a while and um she had never once
shown any interest in me
whatsoever and then this night that’s
weird yeah and then this night she comes
over and like
sits next to me and she’s now like
touching me on the arm when she talks to
me
and she’s smiling a lot and she asked me
if i can [ __ ] swing dance and i’m
like what
what’s swing dancing exactly i don’t she
can you swing your balls around like
dancing on a swing
yeah that’s what i thought and she she
she started teaching me and then she
like she was pouring like i had a four
loko and when i would take a sip she
would like
tip it up she’s trying to she’s like
he’s going for that [ __ ] i can’t
remember i can’t make this up my jaw is
broken because of it so
yeah but
you know push comes to shove yes
i get [ __ ] hammered and she was like
do you want to go back to your room and
i was like yes i have a kick-ass sound
system in there we could [ __ ] listen
to music it’s hi-fi all too
and we could build a puzzle what puzzle
that i don’t think i said that but
[Laughter]
but uh we want to go build a puzzle we
went back there and we did not build a
puzzle
we we had we were fornicated
nice nice and i guess
some one of the guy’s friends saw us
going there was probably pretty
it probably took me like 10 minutes to
get across the hallway from the party
room
stumbling in there like he’s like hey
has anyone seen my
you know my aux cord you know just
making a scene probably about it and
then
woke up she was gone the next morning i
don’t remember having sex
so she wasn’t there when you were
getting your
no the next day he came over with all of
his roommates and confronted me
and he was like stand up and i was like
yeah i don’t know what’s going on here
and then he goes fight me and i was like
i don’t i don’t have any reason to fight
you like i’m not pissed to you
i understand why you’re pissed to me and
then
and of course i can’t keep a straight
face in uncomfortable situations
this is great man interject swing dance
is a group of dances that developed with
a swing style of jazz music in the 1920s
to the 1940s
is this pitch 60 yeah so she she’s just
culture she i was just
i was just we finished each other’s
sentences sentences she’s culture
okay i was just gonna say that anyways
continue so he
shows up in your room yeah and then he
confronts me and
basically challenged me to fight and i’m
like well like i’m not
particularly upset i’m kind of stressed
out right now
if anything i’m the victim here yeah and
and then
basically we we came to an agreement
that he can punch me once
that’s fair but i was like a lawyer
that’s actually pretty good
that’s a fair compromise i was like a
black guy that’s that’s fine
you know i wear it with wherever i say
one thing here
you were not at fault the girl was at
fault i mean i think she should be
getting older
i still i i i still i still could have
been like no i’m not having sex with you
that could have happened but she was
going you said she was tipping the four
lokos
and especially in a point where yeah and
especially in a point where she’s the
one egging it on you’re like
okay i guess it’s fine and most
scenarios guys want that to happen
though like yeah
the thing is is if like i was dating
someone we were exes
and then she exited on i’m not pissed at
the dude it’s the girl who knew better
you know what i mean
what is he gonna break her jaw too no
and then that’s exactly why i’m saying
very
stern words i’m not saying i i’m not
saying i’m happy with what happened
because i’m definitely not
but uh i was a little disappointed
because after the
after the fact okay well i’ll finish do
you eat her ass too
no please don’t go i don’t know maybe i
did
uh she saw the wanted posters i don’t i
don’t
i don’t i don’t think she would have
been gone that morning if that would
happen she remain like
should i make your ass again can i make
your bed do you want some breakfast
did i heard the ass eater trevor you
used to stay at that saloon
some people still say he’s on the
mountain looking down that scope some
people
we agree to one punch we go out back and
there’s just like a huge
did you get to punch him or just him no
i was [ __ ] ko dude
like he so i was this a big guy
he was bigger than all of us i wouldn’t
say he’s like a big
i don’t know he’s like [ __ ] six one
like probably two
ten that’s bigger than all of us yeah
yeah i’m six foot one nine but i wasn’t
fat then so like i was probably like
once you’re
fat now i was like 165 then though i was
scared not fat what was he muscle or fat
we’re starting at go fund me for my body
just more just morphia no he he worked
out
he was a ginger too though i don’t
that’s probably why i don’t like ginger
um but so i’m i’m now realizing the
situation i’m in i’m like i gotta get
punched in the face by this guy
one way or another i think that’s
respectable it’s like okay yeah i took
like i saw like i was [ __ ] like
because i like you too i’m gonna accept
this
i’m to accept this consequence but
whether i deserve it or not i did kind
of try to talk him out of it at the last
minute
but he would he he sparked he like
[ __ ] got a running
jump and just like a tekken punch dude
it was
something you’d see in a movie and he
[ __ ] just likes
crow hopped and just punched me he was
gonna he was gonna take that one punch
of the moon
yeah he was snapped my jaw on the left
side up here on the top
and then right down the middle where did
he punch you like he punched me right
here and he broke it was your mouth open
he’s probably like oh i don’t know maybe
was it relaxed or
i i highly doubt it was relaxed yeah i
would be stressed
i wasn’t i wasn’t prepared because i
know i remember after one of my [ __ ]
dumb ass friends is like why don’t you
put your hands up i was like i don’t
[ __ ] see it
like i like was trying to talk him out
of it someone said something to me i
look over and he’s like mid-air and i’m
like oh
so maybe my mouth was open but whether
whether it’s your fault or not
i’m just saying because the amount of
you know the guy you felt the guilt
strike
i’m going to accept this punishment
whether i decided or not because this is
what he needs
well i imagine if he would punch me hard
in the eye maybe i’d be [ __ ] blind in
one eye so that could have i could have
been
yeah a lot worse i had surgery two days
later
well the next day so i was the all
adrenaline’s flowing and like i was
spitting out blood for like 30 minutes
i remember so like punch you what
happened you just fell down
i like fell down in the ground and i
kind of like one of my buddies helped me
up
and then like took me to the sink
because i was spitting out blood and i
was like oh
like he rocked me did the guy give you
like a hey like
love you bro i didn’t see him after that
probably just left
but uh he’s like yeah i punched this
defense
it’s a respectable conclusion i should
say though you know
whether or not you didn’t know i’m
saying it was it was respect like hey
you know what
well hey hey he didn’t have to get a
[ __ ] 30-yard triple jump john
running start here yeah no and that
technically he kind of did and his
insurance paid for the surgery so it
worked out
so he made a claim so he actually had
your wow no i
i my insurance wasn’t going to pay for
it once once they found out i was
punched
so how did you get it paid for it did
you call him and mine my insurance hired
an attorney
in the sodom
chess they they found checkers trevor’s
playing chess
they found out i was punched and they’re
like we’re not paying for this and i was
like well you don’t know the
circumstances
and they’re like we don’t care you can’t
you it’s not like you’re assaulted
it’s not it’s not legal to punch anyone
in the face i’m sorry and i was like
well
i’m gonna feel real bad now because i
had sex
and his insurance paid for my [ __ ]
that is a crazy story
dude dude his [ __ ] premium rate um
here’s the thing let me say something he
got to punch you one time
you are punching him in the face every
month for the rest of his life yeah
good i like that analogy yes nice james
nice james thank you
nice you you got the upper hand on that
because if you punched him guess what
you’d be paying 60
more a month times 12 times 25
and that’s interest rates too we should
have just settled it man
we should have took it out on the mario
kart course that would have been like
i should take it out on rust mw2
interventions so he punched you
you’re bleeding and [ __ ] you go to the
hospital and your jaws are actually
broken the
yeah no i so i get what’s i get an x-ray
and then the
the urgent care comes out and they’re
like yeah you have multiple mandible
fractures you need to go into surgery
like immediately
i noticed my jaw didn’t work because so
we’re in the fraternity trying to eat
some messengers and
i didn’t look to the posters i didn’t
look in the mirror the next day but i
remember my jaw was super sore and i’m
like
quagmire punched in the face and i go
down to eat lunch and it’s like [ __ ]
spaghetti or something at like noon i’m
like
who’s like floating out the other side
of your mouth and i’m i’m trying to eat
the spaghetti and my jaw just not
working
it wasn’t painful though it was it was
like sore i don’t know how to explain it
like it wasn’t i wasn’t like ow ow i
need to go to hospital i was just like
oh my job doesn’t work
discomfort i could probably show you
guys pictures but my jaw was like an
inch to the left
so you were quagmire yes that’s insane
wow
nice one that is funny um well we’ve
kind of we’ve kind of been uh
interviewing you
this whole time yeah sorry i don’t know
we do i’m not i was i was going to ask
you because
you’re kind of on the receiving is there
anything that you want to bring up
there’s anything you want to ask
because we uh let’s say we interview you
how much money do you make of you before
taxes i’m just kidding
um so the uh the last podcast
we touched on someone and i i want to
explain this story someone
we touched on someone uh we did not
touch anyone there’s video proof
uh we uh we brought up how a buddy of
ours
had a happy ending
correct and i was correct and i said
that that person will remain nameless
but that person texted me
and said jack jay
i want to spill my side of the story
build my beans yes get me on the next
podcast i said done google calendar
invite
i feel like we should have talked about
that first i totally forgot about that
yeah
so but that’s why he’s here he texted me
and said he wants to spell my side of
the story so
for anyone who listened to the last
episode
there was a happy ending involved trevor
take it away uh yeah i’m the special
guest you guys brought up
last time yes oh we did i forgot yeah we
do
yeah i believe there was some scumbag
talk
during the podcast there was not there
was only respect yeah that was not
scumbag
it was an honest mistake sort of
but you paid so no well no i knew i i
kind of knew where i was
going but here’s the receipt so how
often do you get massages that’s the
first question
i’ve never had a massage so you knew
what you were going into well no but
the way i understood it was it’s a
massage place and then if you
want a happy ending you pay extra
but the story tells how about that
i actually also i’m saying like i said
before i also no i’m saying i also
thought like
and happy ending thing was more not a
complete
myth but it’s it’s not it’s a little
wives tale yeah
that’s exactly what i was talking about
that’s what i thought that’s what i yeah
so i’m with you on that because that’s
what i always thought you would take
i thought maybe that was a thing in the
80s maybe from the start
how did you even know about this place
so
my buddy um who will not be named also
of course
he told me me and caleb were at
no no it wasn’t caleb wasn’t the friend
who told me
me caleb
me and um caleb were at the log cabin
with our buddy who
were named nameless and we were just
getting breakfast and watching the
mariners having a couple beers
for breakfast very innocent and nameless
friend
was just i don’t know how it got brought
up but we’re we’re had fun breakfast and
he was just like yeah uh we were talking
about his ex-girlfriend and he’s like
yeah i’ve gotten late a while but i went
to
you know i went and got a massage and i
was just like what like what do you mean
you went and got a massage and he was
like
you know like a happy ending and i was
like [ __ ] no you didn’t and he was
like yeah dude there’s one on river road
and then i was like you’re a [ __ ]
liar you’ve always been a liar
i’m [ __ ] i i just called everything
out on him and he’s like
he’s like go check it out and i was like
you’re coming with me
and i i started dying laughing and the
luck i was like there’s no
like what did you pay you went and got a
[ __ ] hand job
you paid for it and he’s like yeah dude
they’re pretty good at it and i was like
well [ __ ] i hope so yeah yeah yeah
and then so he’s gonna have some craft
about you for that
usually you’re paying drinks you’re
paying in cash now
and then so me intrigued was like so
like what do you just walk in you’re
like yeah
give me the you know the i’m ordering
the [ __ ] 13 or whatever
i’m wearing nine thousand [ __ ] yeah
whirlpool sloppy topping no he’s like no
you just go there and then you
they give you a massage and then you tip
them if you want
you know more and also it’s a great
broad i was like there’s pretty broad
instructions like what if you do that
and they’re like what are you so tell me
what you did when you went there
yes how did it start i want the whole
rundown so
well no but i i didn’t i was intrigued
by the story but i didn’t go
for like a couple weeks and that’s like
i even told you about it
it was at the mozzarella fight yeah
hospital yeah yeah before
it was the day after the monster fight
the day after i woke up no i didn’t go
that next time i woke up a couple
my back hurt and i actually [ __ ]
wanted a massage in them
not even caleb can vouch for me because
i got an mri yeah i’m the victim again
you can you can put to rest your
curiosity they know you were the
assetting guy
i would not touch no no
so i i need to massage my [ __ ] back
hurts and i was like i know a place
it’s on river road and so i got a place
for you
i go there and it’s it’s like it’s a
two-story building and
the place just says massage places says
macha
massage and massage
i walk in there and there’s this front
room
and there’s like 30 cases of water
bottles in this room and there’s no one
in it you need hydration for this
i was like it’s pretty hot in there and
then the door says no credit card
like i think i’m at the right place
so a ring a doorbell
and an asian woman comes up untraceable
that was good that was good we only take
doge
that was good she this older asian woman
answers the door
how old yeah what’s the scale here she
just got it
i mean 35 to 45. asians are hard to read
they look
younger than they are but she you could
tell she’s aged a little bit
it’s not mileage it’s experienced i
think she’s like 40
okay okay that’s my best guess i can go
back and ask her but i don’t want to go
um and she she answers the door and she
immediately goes
hey baby hey baby and she grabs my hand
was it like that
baby no it was it was it wasn’t
i don’t know how to yeah probably more
like that i was only asking because it
was was there a little moan to it like
yeah it was it was it was just yeah you
are the victim okay you are the victim
i mean if you guys say so you are saying
so and
she pulls like and i as i’m walking down
this hallway i look to the left and i
see another woman about her age and i
was like this place has got no young
woman
who are going to massage me so i’m
already in the hole now
and they take she takes me in this room
and she just kept saying hey baby i’m
pretty sure that’s like the only english
word
and she could say hey baby and then i
was there’s no instruction i don’t know
what the [ __ ] going on and she’s like
she’s like go get undressed undress and
i’m just i’m like did you get bass naked
let’s see that dick let’s see that well
so she handed me a towel and then she
leaves the room doesn’t shut the [ __ ]
door
okay i like speedy like take it off and
then put my towel around me
and then she comes back in barely 30
seconds later
i was like well that was fast cause like
what if i get oh they got undressed or
whatever and then
yeah so i’m about to lay down she just
takes the towel off
so you wait you’re laying down your butt
cheeks no i wasn’t even laying down yet
i was like wearing it
and she just takes it off and then your
caucus is exposed
yes and she and she goes oh big boy
and i was like yeah this is the fourth
person you’ve told that to today huh
that’s true that’s true i was like
you’re not fooling me with your witcher
your witchery or your mind yeah
so i i lay down [ __ ] stomach down on
the bed
you start slapping your cheeks and i was
like what i’m not
like this is such a weird experience yes
everything
like dude it’s such a weirdo
yeah well you should have kept the
snapback only on that would have been so
legendary
and so she starts got socks on
she shuts the door and dims the lights
and then
and then she like comes up and starts
whispering stuff
in my ear and i don’t know what the [ __ ]
she’s saying something like chinese or
something
could be could it could have been
anything and she’s like
and she started scratching my back not
massaging me she’s like scratching me
wow and then her fingers go between my
butt cheeks
and then and then between my so this is
a very
this is a place who’s been polished in
the art of seduction yeah but i wanted a
massage
my back still doesn’t feel good my
back’s still hurt yeah you wanted a
massage not of a kind of rape
and she does that for maybe 10 minutes
and then she’s like kissing my like
lower back no this is not no way this is
not true
[ __ ] find out for yourself no i don’t
want you but i trust you i’m just saying
this is crazy
why would i make this you wouldn’t you
wouldn’t wait you didn’t ask for
anything she starts kissing you
no there was no interaction whatsoever
it makes sense because guess what
because they want that person to buy the
extra
extracurricular activity so they’re
going to give them a little a little
taste so then they do that
correct okay so i guess so i don’t know
i didn’t have a conversation with her so
um and so she’s all he knows he’s a big
boy so it’s like 10 minutes in
she goes flip flip over flip over and
i’m like oh [ __ ]
and i flipped all over are you hard at
this time no actually
i’m still weirded out yeah i would be in
any other situation any other situation
i probably would have been rock hard but
i was just like
no i get that because it’s an unknown
snare you don’t know what the [ __ ]
going on i was like what
you know when’s the massage happen you
know yeah yeah yeah
and i flip over and she goes oh what’s
wrong baby
and i was like because i’m not hard
right and then i was like i have a
random asian mom massaging me and
scratching my
back yeah and then she she grabs my dick
and starts jerking me off
right away and i’m like oh [ __ ] she’s
like let’s see if we can get this rock
for like the happy ending dude she’s
like she didn’t let me talk
for the mo like she took my towel off
she [ __ ] handled me
like how’s your day what you were a cop
she scripted yeah
what have you clearly cops already know
where that place is because
let’s see if we get this rocket to blast
off and so
she’s jerking me off i finally get i get
hard
and then she puts a condom over my dick
and starts blowing me
she put the condom on backwards first
and then put it back on
i wasn’t looking she’s like it needs a
hat i was kind of scared still dude
i don’t like i had no idea what’s going
on okay so
my back still hurt
[Laughter]
and she eventually i [ __ ]
i i’d finish and then
she like gets up and she’s like oh like
good job
like do i get do i get a cookie or
something do i get
one of those stickers from the doctor’s
office do you guys have rice krispie
treats for him
fortune cookie do you guys have the rice
krispies at the eminem’s in them
so okay okay okay okay so she puts the
condom on
dude i don’t know i’m gonna do it in
more depth
and it just sucks you off with a condom
yeah i’ve never seen that before me
either
you know it’s funny in college my first
year i’m not going to name any names
i’m saying there was this girl who was
so [ __ ] drunk she sucked this dude
off could be put a
condom on because they were gonna bang
and she sucked him off but everyone
called her rubber mouth because like oh
you suck to do with the condom on
i didn’t ask her to do it but i also
didn’t want
like i know she probably she sucks dudes
off for a living yeah so i know she
didn’t know
it’s funny i don’t want anything she has
your best interest in mind of course
it’s more of in her mind it’s like oh i
don’t know where this dick’s been but
where’s your mouth been yeah okay you
need to put a condom on so she sucks you
off right okay
you never asked for a happy ending or
anything i didn’t ask for [ __ ]
the entire time wow so we were talking
about some some pushy ass car salesmen
wow they weren’t even selling anything
they just took my towel
here’s my question she sucks you off the
dynamite goes boom
then what because after you come you
come to your senses
so wayne said that i actually it’s funny
i i started laughing
because you know i told you i don’t do
well in uncomfortable situations
i started i started laughing it uh
she just was like left the room and then
she came back with a hot towel and
cleaned me up and well even though
obviously the jizz was in the condom
but she cleaned up my surrounding area
and then
and then was just like next time you
bring more money
and i should have to pay her i had a
hundred dollars on me because i didn’t
know what i was
gonna pay for so it was a hundred dollar
u.s
dollars well what the [ __ ] and i didn’t
get a massage
so i’m gonna leave a backstory i’m gonna
leave a horrible yelp review
and also cut me off and also if you look
up
the best place if you look up the place
on yelp i didn’t beforehand but if you
look
there’s people coming on they’re like
this is percent prostitution
and i was like this is why you always
look at your reviews
i want to look up yelp i want to look at
this don’t don’t say it yeah
i don’t i don’t want to run any women
out of it they are doing great that’s
right that’s true
well no i just you know i’d hate for
someone to lose my job
you would hate for someone to lose their
she’s working hard you know she’s
she was working hard and so that’s
insane
she should be retired soon do you think
the secretary was there a secretary
there
like a person that dealt with the
customers that came in first i don’t
[ __ ] know a reception
it was pretty it was pretty swift but
they they gave me water
they had a lot in there here’s an
aquafina you need water you light-headed
it’s like
replenish your fluids i’ve came before
jesus woman
but i will never be going back and no i
do not for all those who are listening i
do not pay for sex okay
no i didn’t think you should just i just
think what happens the
the main question around that was just
like i
literally along with jack thought it was
just a very it was a myth thing
because of now it’s real there’s so many
rules and regulations that’s real even
in watching i thought it was like a
thing in the 80s or
the thing way back when i didn’t know it
was that i thought it was more it was
the time
it was the times yeah so it was crazy to
hear
that it’s actually a [ __ ] thing if
you guys need a pep talk she’ll call you
big boy
nice yeah that’s good you’re like if
you’re having a down day i’ll go there
before every flight football game
yeah exactly well hey that’s uh that’s
uh 48 minutes
oh [ __ ] no [ __ ] i took up the whole time
i’m sorry i’m sorry no
no no no this is all about you trevor
it’s
your world the word is living in it yes
i’m just pissed we didn’t get to
talk more because i thought that was
really funny that was good but yeah
uh everyone thank you for checking out
around lunchtable podcast
we have our buddies here my favorite
wait time out my favorite part of that
was i know it wasn’t the same guy but it
was
trevor was like he was like he who shot
her name nameless so his name’s caleb
it was not caleb i know it was okay it
was just funny it
the the delivery was hilarious it was
all these coors lights yeah
uh everyone check out aputure ocean
productions printing bringing
uh i don’t even know what it is imagine
adds ideas to life
whatever remember that jack can’t yeah
uh thank you for watching remember to
check out our summer
2021 collection atltystore.com it’s all
there there’s some great clothes on
there atltstore.com check out uh around
lunchtable.com if you wanna listen to
our podcast or whatever make sure to
watch and listen
subscribe we do have uh our first paid
episode coming out here soon i’m trying
to schedule it
our conspiracy episode coming out and uh
yeah we’re just happy y’all are hanging
with me let me let me elaborate on the
paid thing anymore
so here’s the thing here’s the thing any
we’re gonna release this
i don’t know why i said like that the
same amount of episodes are gonna be
released
but um the subscriptions are going to be
let’s just say they’re going to be raw
yeah they’re going to be they’re going
to be outlandish outlandish okay
so if you have the stomach and you have
the mind
they’re going to be great because we’re
doing some conspiracy ones i know we’re
more of a
comedy podcast than what we do but we’re
big conspiracy guys we have a lot of
conspiracy things
but it’s not just going to be that it’s
going to be also crazy crazy comedy ones
and maybe things
that are a little more outlandish that
if you’re subscribing that we had
we’d indulge also you do get episodes a
week early yes as well that’s going to
be
big as well for all our fans out there
but yeah that’s going to pretty much
essentially be getting two
yeah so shout out to trevor for hopping
on the shout out for jordan obaya obaya
back there doing some gang signs yeah
non-existent uh
he’s doing great he makes it all he says
yeah everyone should do it so
but uh yeah anyways um jack where can
they find you they can find me at
jack underscore spence on instagram
trevor where can they find you he
probably doesn’t want them to know
you guys already tagged me in your
[ __ ] instagram yeah that was jack
trevor cartwright 69.
cartwright hashtag ass eater 6969. he’s
on all the wanted posters in mexico
in
but anyways you can go around lunch
table and see both of our handles there
um i hope you guys enjoyed this episode
oh i thought you were waiting for me to
say something um
let’s get rowdy up in here
