J&Z talk about drunk stories, conversations with the homeless, zodiac signs, and Jacks’ accident at work. Follow us on Instagram! https://www.instagram.com/aroundthelunchtable/?hl=en
welcome back slap
dicks this is episode 20 wait oh [ __ ]
i’m [ __ ] it all up
let me start let me start off with you
no we are keeping them we’re keeping
this but let me start over
we want the blunders
what’s going on slapdicks welcome back
to round launch table episode 24.
there’s always more with the shops it’s
24.
what the [ __ ] is that you don’t remember
that no i don’t
all of our uh fans out in media remember
that it was the shops it makes your
super our superhero
your subaru uh first and foremost we’re
gonna shout out to our sponsor aperture
oceans bringing ads and ideas to life
you know
i memorized it i’m just gonna say i’m
very impressed yeah i memorized um you
again
to them um yeah so it’s been it’s been a
good ride so far yeah it has been good
episode 24.
uh so uh we we kind of had an
interesting weekend uh my dad was up
here
and um when my dad’s up he tends to let
his hair down
and that means he drinks whatever he has
left yes i’m just kidding
he’s not even bald but no it was just it
just it was a funny same hairstyle
since you’ve known him you’ve known your
dad
way back in the day when he might know
that what’s that what’s that what’s that
part what the
the real rose of simi valley when his
friend has a son he’s like
he’s like i’ve known he’s just ninth
grade he’s like newborns he’s like you
know this guy
maybe a year maybe maybe a year
yeah no it was a good weekend we got a
little when i was with your girlfriend
the entire time
just saturday we were all together
friday but i was hanging out at a
at a chainsaw competition which
um there there was actually a moment
drinking and chainsaws don’t sound like
they go in yes we want to mix some
deadly weapons and alcohol
yeah it’s like those bars where you like
throw
axes it’s like guys guys guys guys i
have a great idea
so one we’re gonna have to get a 10
million dollar insurance policy two
they need to sign a form two let’s
combine like
deadly blades and [ __ ] drinking
and drinking because that’s always
people already get hurt in bars just for
the way they are yeah
i was at a i was at a chainsaw
competition long story how i got there
but there was there was actually
a moment where i turned to shanda and i
just looked at it i was like what the
[ __ ] are we doing here because
there’s just like just you’re just
looking like how did i get here
you know what i mean i ended up seeing
tristan there and he
saw me across the field i guess i don’t
know
he saw me and we like made eye contact
but he saw him out of bounds
but he didn’t like say anything and so
like i didn’t say anything so i was like
gonna walk up to him and he was like bro
i was gonna say something but i was like
there’s no way that’s jack spends at
this
competition he’s like i didn’t want to
embarrass myself it’s like no i’m i’m
[ __ ] here
yeah you were you were there yeah i
ended up
i can’t i’ve noticed that sometimes i
think i’m a seasoned drinker
and so you know i’m with mostly older
people yeah
you’re [ __ ] and so like example what
happened on friday
that yes i blacked out and i threw up
everywhere and that doesn’t happen i
don’t
i i can’t remember actually the last
time like puke my guts
out and i didn’t puke every weekend
but purposefully because yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah i wanna feel good
the next day but i
that saturday night so it was like
saturday we started drinking like
10. it was just light beer dude by like
six is when you guys showed up yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah i mean it’s
like the [ __ ] little droid from star
wars yeah i was because i’m saying i had
terrible hanging over the whole day so i
was having a terrible day as it was
dude and i remember just being like
there there comes a point in a man’s
life where his body
says if you put another drop of alcohol
on me i’m just shutting down it’s like
i’m done
if you ignore them this ship is going
down and that’s what happens so we
and nine times out of ten i ignore it
yeah so i
was trying to ignore and then i got to
the point where i was trying to say
something and i realized i was just like
could not form sentences my dad kind of
noticed he’s like hey you want to go i
was like yeah
as we’re walking out i don’t think you
heard about this so there was like three
fights that went on that night
[ __ ] like crazy [ __ ] chainsaw
competitions could be no no no
no this was after that just just at the
bars oh yeah tell me that and so
um as the cops were coming in as the
cops were pulling in we just pulled out
and it was it was bliss and i went to
bed at eight o’clock
oh yeah but uh this leads me to my
segway here
when uh when do you think you’ve learned
you’ve looked your absolute juice
worst in life like you’re shittiest like
you were the most unattractive you’ve
ever been in your [ __ ] life
probably now
[Laughter]
right now 2018. i’m thinking 2017.
i’m not saying like i peeked in high
school 100 i think you look good now
you definitely felt good
no i remember you definitely filled out
a good i remember daniel schuler said
that to me at jacob’s wedding i’m like
so am i fat now
and so he was just like and so he was
like
so am i fat now and so he was like he
was like jack spence i was like hey
what’s up man he’s like dude you filled
out good
i was like filled out i didn’t know
there was no
i’m saying they he’s well actually i
know what i’m saying i think that’s a
similar thing it’s just like you know
when you grow up you kind of you fill
out yeah yeah it used to be a [ __ ]
rail and i’m not anymore
you used to get i used to get ready
the seats go all the way down all the
way down
the seat’s going all the way back do you
know this picture
this guy got pulled over and he didn’t
have like a driver’s seat or faster he’s
got a couch
[Laughter]
it’s just a couch for the stream how do
you think that’s okay
i mean but the thing is it’s bolted
down this is a regular do you think he
added seat belts
i mean if you went as far as taking the
seats out to put a couch and why would
you not
i’m guessing he bought the vehicle with
those seats that’s what i’m gonna guess
and he had to put he got an offer up for
800 bucks yeah
it was austin’s car out back 280 000
miles yeah
[ __ ] yeah anyways so is there like a
moment later you’re saying all of 2018
because i was thinking of a particular
oh like a picture
no just like a particular moment where
like i looked oh i remember oh i
i have a pan i probably have like 20.
i’m just saying pick one
pick one i was probably i would say when
um
i was probably when i went to hard
summer in california at this festival
thing and
snoop dogg was coming on that night
because it was like
oh uncle snoop uncle snoop that was you
in the street
that was
because we wanted i’m like dude because
there’s obviously like six different
stages i’m like
i don’t care what we [ __ ] do i’m not
trying to be this person but i’m going
to see snoop dogg of course
you can you don’t miss that it’s like
the grand canyon you’ve got to see it
yeah so like so i
it’s on my cable so we walk to that
stage like two acts before he comes on
right and at this point hey guys it’s a
festival i’m
out of my [ __ ] mind like on alcohol
of course
of course yeah i’m out of my mind
my hair is all over the place i look
like i just got you know that scene at
home alone where marv gets shot
that’s what my hair i’m sorry it was
windy i’m saying i was jumping around
all day and snoop dogg was at the end
the very end of the night and this i
see this girl walks by and she just
gives me these like paper 3d glasses i
have them on my
i’m jumping around and i have a captain
america shield as car and cardboard i
found
i’m not kidding i’m not kidding this
happens to happen and i’m like just
please tell me you went avengers
assembly
no and then like because i’m saying we
have a few pictures and these one got
these one guys
we took pictures of these dudes and i
was like who the [ __ ] are these guys but
cool
yeah and we just started taking these
pictures and i got separated from
everyone for like 30 minutes
but like i was so [ __ ] up and then
snoop dogg comes on i’m like
yeah snoop
and i just said i’m like oh dude
i was so [ __ ] up bro and the worst
part the worst part of it was
was is that i drove there
i drove to that festival we were staying
in l.a and we drove down to san
bernardino was like an hour
and i drove back yeah
wow i don’t want to purge myself so
maybe i didn’t or did i drive
no but i’m saying we sat because he
doesn’t it’s thousands of people so i
sat in the car for two hours like they
were all complaining dude just [ __ ]
drop like dude
i am so [ __ ] up i’m like i can’t even
so i sat in the car
every of the thousands of people left
and we were sitting in that parking lot
i’m like
i i can’t so i sat there and waited for
hours smart man
yeah i did it right yeah that’s good but
my eyes didn’t exactly go you ever have
you ever like taken
like i’ve noticed like you know we’ve
been to a few weddings
um and it’s like you know one of the
like the bride of the groom’s sibling
will have like a new girlfriend and the
mom’s like oh you’re not getting in this
picture because if [ __ ] doesn’t happen
and then they end up still getting in
the picture you know i’m talking about
because that recently happened our
wedding we were just set
well okay run that by me one more time
okay so you’re at like a
you know they’re taking like or it
doesn’t have to be a wedding family
photos
and one of the family members has a new
fling
oh you know and so then it’s like this
awkward thing of she can be in a couple
of them but you know since we know she’s
not gonna last
you know this one’s going on the wall
you know i think i know
that it must be awkward because it
happened in our family uncle chris
spider-bands
spider-bands guy actually pulled
so this dude’s like 40 and pulled this
like 25 year old girl from germany
or something her name was vasyan well
there there’s something else over there
yeah and they don’t wear deodorant which
is interesting
but um the uh
and she knows what they don’t wear
deodorant i heard in europe they don’t
wear deodorant you are okay it doesn’t
mean people don’t wear deodorant okay if
you’re looking for
facts you don’t come to around the lunch
table all right well
no we’re knowledgeable guys yeah but
we don’t talk about knowledgeable things
we talk no stupid [ __ ] anyways
anyways no they don’t wear deodorant
okay allegedly allegedly i’m not
i didn’t take a poll but i know i’m just
saying i feel like most modern civilized
people
were doing it yeah anyways um so we
actually pulled
and it was great and i think she wanted
to get married and he said no and i was
like dude what are you doing
anyways um and she was in the family
picture she wouldn’t sign a prenup maybe
yeah ah well he
that’s a few bucks to his name so i
don’t think there we go then i’m
guessing by the spider-man’s pajamas
who knows man who knows um yeah but the
uh
yeah she ended up being in the family
pictures and [ __ ]
just ruined it because they end up
breaking up and yeah and then it’s like
what the [ __ ] was the point of that also
when did it become a thing where like
if a white family goes to hawaii they
all gotta do like hang loose
like do you ever know what to do with
your hands when you’re taking pictures
you know it’s
i remember going to hawaii we get out we
get out of the
limo yeah limo we got a limo hotel
mahalo
[Laughter]
and this one [ __ ] started talking
hawaiian to me i’m like i’m brown i’m
not hawaiian
i’m not hawaiian i don’t know what
you’re saying dude i remember that
happened and it’s like i just
woke up from like an eight-hour flight
i’m just like okay
i know i’m but i was like a little dude
i peed my pants on the plane i think
really because it was such a long flight
like i fell asleep
and i woke up and i’m like mom and my
mom told me the bathroom i was i peed my
hands
when was a lot have you ever like peter
[ __ ] yourself as a grown man now
no i have i think i’ve peed myself
before um
i have i have [ __ ] myself one time um
it was actually wait what yeah i did at
work
what yeah no way when you were sober
yeah
okay i gotta hear this so i had a taco
time salad so i was trying to
uh i was trying to like eat good you
know
no you want to eat good you’re going to
taco time i’m saying every friday
the sales team goes out for lunch and
usually it’s like mazatlan or like
[ __ ] fun or something and then
i think my co-worker rob was like dude i
want taco time like all right cool
whatever
so we gotta talk times like oh i’ve been
trying to like eat better i’ll get a
salad
a taco salad it was a taco time salad
exactly and so you know you start
hearing look
in your stomach and i’m sitting in this
bus uh in the seat
and it was just like i think you [ __ ] on
the seat
just didn’t go through the pants oh my
gosh well i mean it
i mean if it’s wet it does i mean yeah
yeah yeah
yeah i ended up selling it i need to get
oliver’s litter box put in your room
and uh no but i uh so you know when you
just think you just gotta fart
i was like oh i’ll just let a little one
slide so it’s like
have you ever like and you’re like it’s
not a blank yeah it’s not a blank
you ever farted thinking you [ __ ]
yourself but you didn’t it happens to me
all the time
because it’s like oh did something else
[Laughter]
and then it’s like no so but this is the
one time it didn’t so i was like oh it’s
probably nothing then it’s like
it’s not that doesn’t smell good so the
thing is
this is not real this is scout’s code
always be prepared so i have a little
recycle bin box
filled with extra socks underwear pants
and everything
because sometimes if i’m late for work
and i can’t yeah i don’t have time to
get changed like i’m sprinting out the
door
it’s already there which you’ve heard a
few times though yeah yeah the stampede
um and ever since we put cameras up i’ve
gotten a few great videos of that
yeah i don’t have a shirt on and i’m
just running out there with my shoes in
my hands
um the worst is when like we get a lot
of like when it’s snowing
i’m running out there it was that’s the
most torturous thing is because
if it’s freezing cold like remember how
much snow we got and like the snow like
how long the snow lasted it was just
freezing cold
it’s like if you wake up when it’s that
cold
no it doesn’t wait for you you’re gonna
be yeah you have to defrost your windows
like i’m out there with with with my
safeway club card [ __ ] yeah i was out
there with hot water and sure it freezes
after two minutes
yeah the uh yeah and you know you’re out
you’re running out there in your socks
they get all soaked and
oh it’s just it’s just a bad day yeah
but um anyways so i i text dupe and i
say hey man
there’s a little recycle bin box behind
under my desk so can you just bring that
out to me
and he’s like obviously like what so i
thought duke was gonna like have my back
i was like dude don’t tell anyone
but like i [ __ ] my pants just bring the
underwear the pants out
and so i’m in this bus super long so i’m
in the back like this
like you’re doing a drug deal wait for
him to come and so then
i see duke walk out and i was like okay
okay okay and then the whole office
because everyone knows and then lane’s
like
what the [ __ ] dupe obviously told [ __ ]
yeah he’s like guys jack [ __ ] is pitched
so then everyone’s just like got all
their head peeks out the window like
those [ __ ] little uh
those [ __ ] pelicans and finding nemo
not the pelicans the [ __ ]
the seagulls they’re the seagulls mine
mine mine mine
and they’re all [ __ ] looking out and
so i ended up uh
throwing away that underwear in those
pants that’s [ __ ] amazing but anyways
back we’re talking about the worst we’ve
ever looked
there was uh it was it was at dupes um
so if i get like
you know i i don’t want to say i drink a
lot because weren’t you like naked one
time
is that the one you’re talking about oh
yeah that was that that was a different
story
was that the one when you were naked you
were [ __ ] up and you were naked
no okay this is what happened it was my
first christmas party
at work and you know i’m excited you
know i’m too excited
yeah and so dumb me is just like i’ll
take the ipas [ __ ]
we’re at the ram and i get to a point
where i don’t remember any of the night
and apparently shanda said i just looked
at her i was like can you lead me to the
truck and we held hands and [ __ ]
walk to the truck so she got me in there
so we’re in dupe’s truck
and i’m like and duke’s like do you
gotta puke i’m like no
he’s like you gotta puke no
i kept saying no he’s like dude i’ll
just pull over i was like no i’m good
looking all down the windows
so dude rolls down the window and you
know the window just like picks it up
just piles up at the bottom he pulls it
back up there
smears of [ __ ] chunks of [ __ ] everywhere
i know
and there’s like six of us in this
[ __ ] i think maddie or elise is right
next to me
and so um so we get back and
um i go out so it’s christmas time it’s
christmas party
and so they like kind of like but
imagine it was christmas time yeah yeah
and so they uh i’m saying it’s really
cold so they kind of put me to bed
you know and i realized i got a puke
again instead of going to the toilet i
just had to go outside on that deck
right outside jane bell’s part well i
don’t make it i like slip and fall just
and then i just puke on myself okay the
problem is
dude no one knew and i’m not i’m blacked
out for like two hours
yeah so the puke froze my clothes
to the [ __ ] deck so she and then dupe
i don’t know someone found out they’re
like jack this is like so they’re like
duped shannon jacks out there and i’m
just like [ __ ] noses
your fingers are like blue isn’t it
trying to like
peel me off like a sticker
[Laughter]
the only logical thing to do is just
strip me naked yeah so
stupid shannon started taking my clothes
off and
so they so they get everything obviously
this is me hearing it from them i don’t
remember any of this
and so i wake up the next morning and i
feel bad for dupe and shanda because i
had to put my underwear back on or
whatever
but they put it on backwards so imagine
this you don’t remember any of the night
you wake up on a couch with your
underwear on backwards just but
yeah it’s not a good time it was like
what happened like what did i what did
someone else do
yeah but anyways that was that story the
worst time i the worst i ever felt
or i thought i looked like if i drink a
lot a lot
my head kind of gets red and i get a
little swollen
kind of like a puffer fish okay
and so um wyatt i had this dyed this
hole in my pants
and um i was doing that thing where you
put like a beer can on someone’s antenna
yeah yeah yeah so i was like i stepped
on the
on the tire because it’s like a big
truck and my pants kind of ripped so
wyatt just
puts his hand there and goes so anyways
throughout the entire night everyone
starts
ripping my pants apart so oh that’s what
he came up though oh yeah yeah with no
pants i woke up
and i mean they look like i look like
[ __ ] paper mache on your [ __ ] i
look like guy fieri dude [ __ ]
just just a ball with like swollen and
red and oh
it was it was awful but yeah that sounds
[ __ ]
hilarious yeah it was fun the uh
but no dude i mean it’s always good it’s
always a good time my defect is for some
reason
like it’s only if i don’t drink a [ __ ]
ton of water
like or i’m really [ __ ] up or i’m
starting to get [ __ ] up i’ll get bags
in my eyes and so then
we’ll take pictures and i look like
everyone and then one time like nears
i’m wearing like a blazer i look like a
reformed crackhead
that’s what i look like i look like a
crackhead who turned it around that’s
what i look like you’re all dressed
yeah it’s like you could you could tell
he’s been in the gutter
but it’s like but he’s doing better now
he’s got a damage that’s what i’m saying
and then like sometimes when i don’t
give a [ __ ] it’s so weird like i cannot
take care of my body
stamp do binge i’m at home and i look
fine and i look weird
and then like maybe you just think you
look good because you’ve been up for
[ __ ] two days no i’m so great
at home like it’s when the weddings come
around it’s when
the big all the pic it’s so [ __ ]
weird man
yeah it’s so weird but yeah and it’s
funny because it’s like
i remember one time like or not one time
i’m saying like i look at pictures
i remember one time i saw this picture
myself and it was from like
2012 to 2013. i’m like oh wow okay
and then i saw a pic and this was like
probably a year ago and i’m looking at
other like new
like pictures that my mom took out
whatever i’m looking at like pictures on
her phone
and i see me and it was like a far away
group group pick bless you
thank you and there was like our family
like other friends and [ __ ]
i didn’t even [ __ ] recognize myself
really i’m like who the [ __ ]
i just saw an adult male 1 that’s what i
saw blanking on boys oh i think i
sweatshirt [ __ ] that guy
i don’t know i’m like that’s me yeah i
didn’t recognize myself
i’ve never been so drunk you look in the
mirror and you’re just like this is
me
dude i’ve done absolutely and then i’m
sitting there i’m like
how was there a meme i know i know it
was like where did i you know
this consciousness dude i did that like
the other night
it was on saturday and i was taking a
piss and there was a mirror right by it
i’m looking at myself i’m like
i’m like doing [ __ ] i’m like i control
these did i always when i’m drunk
or [ __ ] up in any capacity like when
there’s a mirror
you stare at it i always like either
dance or do something
i always do the was this yeah on a point
wink at it yeah but anyway i mean i just
there’s yeah when you’re like when
you’re getting up to that before you go
over the curve there of you know
partying
it’s always the hey you look good
tonight you know blah blah like you know
you look yourself in the mirror you’re
like yeah but then when you get like
[ __ ] up you love yourself you’re like
you look like [ __ ] like is this what i
look like there’s a point yeah
i’m saying back before i could like i
would that wouldn’t even come to my mind
yeah now like i’m saying even like i
would say the last couple years has
happened like for like a year like i’d
be
super [ __ ] up like a binge or
something like that like i’m up it’s
like five a.m
and i’m like sitting there p.m i wash my
hands and look i’m like
what is this is not the biggest loser
no i’ve uh i definitely had some heart
to hearts in those moments
yeah i’ve had some staff meetings in my
head a couple times yeah and i always
think of like you need to remember what
you just told yourself
and i never do but it’s like or like
dude have you ever
have you ever gotten so [ __ ] up and
this could be alcohol whatever
whatever your whatever your whatever
tickles your fancy whatever your tool of
choices yeah
obviously other things other than
alcohol probably do a little more yeah
i’m saying
have you ever gotten so [ __ ] up and
you’re like
you know what i’m gonna turn it around
and it could you could be like totally
like it could be like a little thing
like do you know what
tomorrow when i wake up no i’m not i’m
getting to work
step by step i’m gonna change my life
[Music]
it could be like something big i’m even
big thing or whatever i’m just like i’ve
done that so i’m like
you know what man tomorrow’s the day
tomorrow’s the day
i’m gonna be someone we’re gonna
we’re gonna start a business
it’s funny because i’ve actually also
like had conversations like that with
other people too when they’re
uber [ __ ] up and it’s so funny bro
it’s like
like i like i feel like do you know what
man like
i think it’s time to like make some
moves
like and that’s not the time now i know
but it always is the most
time you think that for some reason yeah
it’s like i think
yeah and you’ll just be thinking like
you know what it’s time
it’s time to like do bigger things i
remember like
a lot of times i get like [ __ ] up
drinking like really [ __ ] up like my
mirrors like
you’re gonna quit you’re never doing
this again and then it’s like the next
day well
i think that’s with everybody though
yeah but it’s also the problem with
drinking is it’s like a social thing
no yeah and i’m saying is is like like
our our new
our our new friend group
i can’t even say i call him new anymore
it’s been almost a year it’s kind of
crazy right
time flies and you’re having fun right
uh i guess
time flies and you’re miserable too so i
don’t know time just flies
yeah all you gotta do is grab onto those
wings and go along for the ride
that’s all you can do it’s like i do
just flat flap flap
then fat fat flap clap clap clap trap
trap trap
slap slap slap snap snap snap mat mate
crab scraps craps
when did ad-libs become a thing
unwrapped we’re gonna go into that in a
second um
the next what i was saying
um i’d still be playing with pots and
pans
um the uh these things are not planned
by the way but i think we have
problems are we already at that point
where it’s like dude
tomorrow we’re gonna change but i’m
saying when i say that i’m saying like
i’m not even talking like
stop drinking or stop doing whatever
you’re doing it’s like it’s like in your
life like if you think of something
it’s like yeah you know what tomorrow
i’m gonna do that thing
i’m done it’s time man i’m taking the
step
i am a slave to the system it’s time to
break these chains
um but the uh like
can you name one time in our new friend
group that we haven’t drank
no yeah it’s not a bad thing we have a
great time
but can you i’m saying but we were
already doing that
yeah but it’s very weird that like
imagine if like coke was legal and
alcohol wasn’t we’d all just be coked up
all the time
like it’s weird that we just gravitate
towards these things because you know
it’s
at safeway and we can just buy it you
gotta get
i get the concept of what you’re saying
but i’m saying it’s so easily i get that
obviously
i’m saying if a coke was like a socially
[ __ ] like
accepted thing everyone just be doing it
all the time yeah i mean
i feel like everyone heard yeah
the uh no the one thing i’ve noticed
when people get [ __ ] up especially
girls
girls can first they’ll like just meet
each other they have like two truly’s
and then they’ll like go off on this
little thing you know like by a tree or
something and they’re like talking about
the bathrooms the most famous yeah
but yeah we gotta talk about that and
it’s like and then the one girl will be
like
hey so if like you saw my boyfriend
cheating on me
would you tell me would you be a snake
and it’s like
you just met the girl like or like
they’ll think they’ll be too deep too
fast yeah and they’ll take
10 pictures and then like oh my god i
can’t believe like we’ve
i’ve just never thought to hang out with
you like this is so good and then the
next day they’re talking [ __ ] about each
other or like the next week she’s like
no that
that girl’s a [ __ ] i’m like why do you
personally do you want to hang out with
someone
like why go that far with your lie it’s
like they’ll just meet and then the and
then they’ll
they’ll like caption day ones and it’s
like you just met each other and then
they’ll like add me on snapchat me on
tick tock i mean instagram and then like
on all their instagram pictures oh my
god
so gorgeous honey oh my god girl and
then like half of them
don’t even talk yeah i’m like well then
what the [ __ ]
do you think that like i don’t even have
you know what i know you know what i
don’t i don’t even
i don’t even have no problems
what i know is what i do
i don’t even know what’s going on here
man what i know
is this as follows
[Laughter]
i’m saying you know how many times my
good friends comment on my pictures very
rarely
and guess what i know damn well that’s
how
they know that’s that’s all i need i
thought i looked hot i know i don’t need
reassurance that they’re my friends
do you know that do you think like when
a woman gets her like womanhood card she
goes from girl to woman it’s like okay
now
except the terms of use you will comment
on every girl you ever knew and tell
them how lovely they look even when they
don’t
like guys will do it but it’s more of
like dude that’s a sick pig or
like or it’ll be like heart heart baby
you look so good like something funny
yeah yeah yeah it’s like girls like
it’s like an unwritten code what what
unwritten codes do guys have because
like girls they all have to comment on
each other’s [ __ ]
i feel like guys unwritten code
i feel like there’s one okay this may
not be a written code but i feel like
there is a a weird energy with
dudes you cannot know someone and i’ve
noticed this very
very much within the last like four or
five years especially because once i
started 21 i started going out and
meeting other adults is when another guy
is getting some action you tend like if
you ever
make ike there’s like a mutual there’s
like a respect thing that goes on like
you know you know they’re spitting game
you know they’re like like he just he
pulled it off
like not that like it happens every time
if you make eye contact it’s like a
like i’ve made cont like it’s happened
many times you know what i mean
and like you were walking by and you
just like it’s like yeah like
and it’s like it’s like you’re kind of
friends in a way but you don’t even know
this guy
never even said i can you could just be
but it’s like
it’s like you’re like sitting at the bar
and that guy’s next to you and you can
hear what he’s saying to the girl
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah finally you
know it it’s three and two it’s bottom
of the night
he’s got a three-two count bottom of the
net yeah needs a grand slam to win it
dude
and he hits it and you know she leaves
to go to the bathroom before she’s gonna
go home with him or something and then
then he he’s just sitting there and then
you’re just kind of like
smiles back i think and saying stuff
like that is a very
universal thing with dudes like because
we all know what we’re doing like you
know we all know why
like i think one time i would say like a
year
maybe as a year ago and i wasn’t yeah i
think i was in bellevue seattle i don’t
remember where but i was walking
with some friends or something that and
this dude his girlfriend was
like she was really good like i’m saying
like she look
she looked like a model or some [ __ ] but
he was very
he wasn’t but he somehow pulled her he
was a nine he was a six
kind yeah i was like yeah nine you know
he’s walking by it was kind of like
i’m walking it was like a tip it was
like the tip of the hat
yeah yeah tip of the hat sir
see i feel like girls don’t girls don’t
have the camaraderie
no yeah it’s all competition it’s too
much yeah it’s too much
mind it’s too much like [ __ ] that [ __ ]
for this little reason
yeah it’s like well she gave me this
look like dude that’s the girls like
it’s funny because girls she gave me
this look
and like i’ve heard people talking about
she gave me this look and i just
and a dude will see that like oh maybe
he just like didn’t feel good or
something like that
exactly that’s what dudes will do and
then they’ll see that person back oh
he’s actually a cool dude
guys are good at the benefit of the
doubt girls are not
girls are like you didn’t reply to me
for two minutes you’re cheating and it’s
like
it’s like guys are like a girl doesn’t
reply for like four hours oh she’s
having fun
exactly it’s like it’s like oh she’s
probably doing something else yeah i
don’t care
the i think the difference is like guys
know how to have
like we know how to entertain ourselves
i’m not talking about jacking off i’m
just saying we’re not entertainers
exactly like there’s video games me and
you we’re either we’re gaming we’re
watching something
we’re out doing whatever around the
house it’s like when we’re that poor
like hey let’s clean the garage and
we’re just in there listening to music
jam and drinking some beers
yeah and so it’s like oh we’re out we go
get dinner we go get lunch or like we go
[ __ ]
yeah russes or some [ __ ] or dupes or i
don’t know i’ve
like i sometimes can’t stress i almost
sound like a dick but i can’t stress
enough with aaron like one time she was
gone like all friday
it was out that girl’s night oh friday
night saturday
i and then she like called me say hey so
you know what we’re doing we’re going
here and then going here which i
appreciate
but like respectfully i was just like i
don’t care
what you do i completely get that and
it’s not it’s not a facetious way to be
like i don’t give a [ __ ] about you oh
and it was just like i’m on a nine to
nine in valor right now
like like yeah i honey just have fun
like i don’t care what you do
yeah exactly yeah it’s like i just and
it’s not one of those like oh yeah i
want to act like i don’t care like i
just legitimately
don’t give a [ __ ] like yeah i’m doing it
and it’s not like i don’t give a [ __ ]
about you it’s like i don’t give a [ __ ]
like go whatever i don’t care exactly
like
yeah it’s weird like oh like why didn’t
you why don’t you send me hearts today
i’m like yeah it’s like
like why didn’t you text me back like oh
you were out like why are you texting
back then
how come you like you don’t i don’t care
i’m fine with it
but then like if i don’t it’s just
oh god all hell ruins you can’t
understand them yeah yeah
which is okay but it’s just i mean you
know we’re
we’re made to be different i guess yeah
it’s the yin and yang thing yeah
because i’m still trying to figure out
how the yin and yang come together yeah
well he’s he’s an aquarius and i’m a
pisces yeah
wait you’re a leo and i’m a gemini never
going to work no
dude we were at the uh remember when
aaron wanted
bubble tea not from the place because
this place was better for whatever
[ __ ] reason
um sorry honey but um so we go to the
bubble tea across the street plates
oh yeah yeah you were out you were
hanging outside um
so like i remember sitting at the table
and there were these two people talking
and i think i was texting you this
because and again you know yeah you did
text me that yeah they were talking
about their astrologers
and so it was um
i’m not stereotyping here it was a white
girl but very goth like had like the
fishnet
things and a tail no but like
bright blue hair and like blue lipstick
and you know just a goth girl and that’s
great that’s fine
it’s not my thing but you know cool and
the guy across from her was kind of the
same thing he had like the
the long like you know bangs over the
one day hair
yeah exactly and so i’m just sitting
there i’m just like on my phone and then
i overhear them it’s obviously you can
tell
it’s their first like this is their
first date like the first time they
probably met on
[ __ ] bumble or something and so
they uh and so he was like so he was
like yeah i’m a taurus and so
she was like oh i’m an aquarius she’s
like i don’t know if that jives like
yeah i don’t know either she’s like
she’s like yeah well since like i’m an
aquarius like i’m very organized and
stuff but i can’t get around
and so dude they went on about it for
like five minutes
like okay if you’re if you’re like if
you like like to read up on that that’s
cool
but don’t let that dictate a [ __ ]
decision
or like something you know i mean like
well i am an aquarius
so my parents had sex in february which
means i was born in november yeah it’s
like
what like what the [ __ ] like if you want
to read about that that’s cool do it i
don’t care i’m just saying but don’t let
it dictate like
what the [ __ ] you do can you i got i was
actually almost expecting her to be like
oh you’re a gemini okay like bye yeah it
was like
it’s like all right let’s let’s reel it
back in here it’s like if you’re
interested you want to ask
fine but like don’t go so deep it’s like
i don’t know if this is going to work
because of that
yeah i don’t know this is going to work
because the mercury moons exploded 2500
years ago my uncle father i get it from
his
daunting past doesn’t make [ __ ]
sense man did you sound like every
homeless guy outside
have you ever had just talks with him
you know what’s crazy okay here’s the
thing about her i don’t as much anymore
because i know i think i think when
you’re young okay it’s [ __ ] up but
when you’re younger it’s like you kind
of
are think it’s you’re like i’m gonna go
talk to this guy
like you see i don’t know what kind of
[ __ ] up childhood like that’s [ __ ]
up but i’m saying
yeah this is what i’ve over my many
years of conversating with the homeless
i have discovered years of conversation
i would say this
i would say this statement yes 90
of what they say is gibberish or
[ __ ] yes but every so often
they drop some nuggets of wisdom you get
that diamond in the room yeah
exactly you get those ones that like he
legitimately is just down in there it’s
like i know you’re completely [ __ ] up
but what you said mates
yeah that’s what i’m saying like exactly
you know yeah like i don’t know what’s
happening here
but i get what you’re trying to tell me
i get it yeah like
i like i’ve actually like not that it it
happens all the time but i’m saying
there has been times like
wow it happens a lot often when you’re
younger i remember just being like
going out of my way to be like hey man
like how’s your day going
it’s like jack you’re like 18. and yeah
the thing is
they do like to talk well yeah because
they don’t they don’t talk to anybody
they talk to other homeless you know
what i mean i’m just saying they’re kind
of outcast it’s kind of sad
no it is sad so i’m saying i’ve gone on
my way to kind of like hey how’s it
going
give me money give him a few bucks back
here i
remember i said the last five times i i
use
people who are you know asking for money
i usually if i have actually i’ll give
up
i’ll give them some and this was just
like probably four or five months ago
and i was obviously like you know you
pull off the freeway off the exit you
could see a guy in the distance i knew i
had like
four extra bucks and one or something
like that and some change so i’m like i
go down and grab it
and like i’m not really paying attention
because it’s a red light so i’m going up
slowly slowly
and then i get a closer he’s back he’s
oh he’s obviously tweaked the [ __ ] out
and i like i was holding my hand out the
mic i’m like hey i was like because i
was checking like
for work and stuff people were calling
me and i look over he’s like thanks man
i’m like
oh my god at least one way or another i
made his day yeah
so he’s gonna go get some more meth yeah
i feel like it’s more of a selfish thing
he’s like well i did something good
today
like a little bit but i think i would
say when i do it’s it’s it’s a real
moment of like
wow i like imagine like i’m saying like
how like
imagining me in that position i’m like
exactly yeah no i
there is there is some there is
compassion in this heart believe it or
not
but yeah no the the thing with the
[ __ ] homeless
it’s uh the the problem is i know
they’re not all bad
the problem is like i’ve just the
problem is most of them are i haven’t
met the good ones and so i’ve met some
good ones but i’m saying
no i would what i mean by that what i
mean by that is
like actually i guess i’ll take that
same back i’ve met some like chill ones
that’s just like everything’s fine but i
would say a good 90
of them it’s like and when i say 90 all
the ones are drug addicts and just
stealing
yeah and so it’s just like what is going
on here like i was like i’m trying to
hand you like a five
and you’re telling me about the freaking
saturn right now and it’s like
dude like come on but
yeah the uh because there are those
people that are legitimately down on
their lives
exactly and that’s what the vast
majority
there’s a lot of not good ones yeah i
mean we’re not going to go down a deep
road here because it’s a comedy podcast
but we’re going to
how many bridges do you got to burn yeah
exactly i’m saying
and again as i said though guys when i
say legitimately
i mean those people who maybe had
parents who were drug addicts who
overdosed
who got put in half who got put in like
orphanages no they’re they’re in real
situations
like that or like who never had anything
that is a situation it’s like wow
that’s [ __ ] and that’s why you want
to give them money because you don’t
know yeah and that’s [ __ ] sad i don’t
know
but then there’s a good portion of those
who just [ __ ] had a chance had many
chances
and just [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] so it’s like
yeah i’m getting yeah i don’t know yeah
well we’re at 40 minutes
nice all right well now that we’re all
nice and sad i think that’s a good place
to end it
um didn’t we did we upload any new merch
yet
no but i do want to announce it yeah we
do have some new and i’m not talking
about the normal like
[ __ ] we already have a new it’s the jnz
summer collection summer
and also we do have high-waisted bikinis
and we do have crop tops for the summer
season and bug hats we have candy packs
badass [ __ ] coming out so uh first and
foremost so
we have a new uh and we’ll be doing a
giveaway
we will be doing a giveaway uh we do
have
a new shop coming out um the old one was
fine but we got
uh basically into a new merch supplier
we got a lot more options we can branch
out a little bit more with some new uh
some new stuff name brand things
holidays
um so we do have a new merch website
coming out it’s not out yet
i’m still working on it um
but uh you know me and my many hours at
night you know
slaving away but uh no we uh we do have
a new merch website coming out we have
the jnz summer collection coming out
shout out to
the great jake todd folm on instagram
and
literally everything is just the great
jake todd you can go that’s his website
too the greatjaketodd.com he did
our uh our summer collection we’re
actually gonna have a few more things i
think
but there’s some pretty cool summer tea
yeah there’s tank tops it’s pretty
[ __ ] cool
i will definitely be getting some 100
yeah it’s it’s gonna be awesome we got
some new summer merch coming out so
everyone out there hit the gym get that
summer body going cause we want those
guns
bursting in those tank tops baby uh but
yeah our faces on it
yeah i don’t want to well i kind of
spoiled it but it’s okay
it’s not like it’s it’s not literally
our face but it’s just like
yeah no but it’s it’s a sick ass [ __ ]
it’s just a selfie
i know do you like parents when they
take so it’s always like that
right in front of their face yeah just
anyways um yeah so the uh the new merch
is coming out the new merch website’s
coming out we have our new website
it’s been out for like a month now check
that out around lunchtable.com
uh the youtube page you don’t get that
many views on that but if you want to
watch it instead of listen while you’re
doing laundry or something
or you’re doing some laundry doing a
little kitchen work you know while
you’re having sex
i have also done that and it’s been it’s
been fantastic get a few laughs and
help you last longer um the uh but yeah
check it out something there check us
out on all that [ __ ] see
where can they find you they can find me
at isaiah underscore lesney on instagram
where can they find you
they can find me at jack underscore
spence on instagram
and you can find us both at around the
lunch table and uh
yeah we will be uh we got a lot of new
[ __ ] coming out we finally
you know i just you know what we don’t
pat ourselves in the backs enough okay
and i’m gonna do it okay
we finally turned the podcast into
something professional we got
professional audio
we have professional lights the videos
look good and now we’re ramping it up to
another level
of professionally made artwork
from a real artist in the puget sound
area
god the sky’s the limit you know i guess
so and if ramon’s lunch team really
takes off we’re going to be alcoholics
because we drink every time we do this
[ __ ]
yeah yeah we’re kind of [ __ ] but uh
also i do want to plug
uh getting the two together is like
herding cats but we do have the
conspiracy
episode we talked about last time yes
that’s coming it’s in the works
it is in the works uh there will not be
a video but there will be audio
it’s gonna be an exclusive and apple
podcast subscription is coming out so
you uh you guys can get an episode a
week early
and get exclusives like the one we just
talked about as well i believe it drops
may 6th
we are part of the beta program we got
invited
beta alpha echo zulu foxtrot kilo
lima november charlie x-ray
tango romeo uh also the last thing i do
want to say
is shout out to everyone in the united
states we hit 109
of the comedy improv podcasts 109.
109 in the [ __ ] world so shout out to
109
[ __ ] all our atl tears out there we’re
getting really [ __ ] scared
me yeah it’s pretty sick 109 bro
not that not too shabby for a couple
slap dicks
seriously yeah that’ll pretty much do it
so yeah
oh anyways uh we will see you guys next
week
and we will probably post on instagram
wherever when the merch thing drops
whatever
going on so if you follow us on there
then you’ll be updated so
um anyways that’s gonna be it for today
[Music]
let’s get rowdy up in here
